Gone Forever
by Nayru-chan
Summary: Like hell he knew what he was trying to get himself into. The moment Allen entered the room and saw what state Kanda was actually in, he figured God had left him for even getting the sole idea of doing this. NC-17, Yullen
1. Wake up!

**Nayru's Note:** I became obsessed with D Gray-man. With Allen and Kanda in particular (they're both awesome characters in my opinion). So there.

If you want me to be honest, this is my very first attempt at writing a story that has both a male/male pairing and lemons in it. And I feel kind of... uneasy with the outcome, but I guess I'll get used to it eventually. Seriously though, I think I've died a big deal of times while writing this...

**English isn't my native languange**, so I apologize in advance for making mistakes. I'm aware that this fanfic might have some. If you would happen to find any, please don't hesitate to point them out. It would help me improve and I'd be grateful.

Also, I might rant about the latest chapters as the story goes. **Please be aware that there are spoilers around.**

**

* * *

****Pairings:** Kanda/Allen, Allen/Kanda (but the latter takes place only once, and will most likely never happen again; I blame it all on the need for plot development. It's still overall Yullen); slight Allen/Lenalee here and there (but in a more of a brother-sister kind of way). More pairings are bound to develop, but mentioning them would be a spoiler.

**Setting:** OU; the story starts somewhere around manga chapter 157, after Lulubell's attack on Headquarters; before the Order starts moving to another place.  
**  
Rating:** NC-17.  
**  
Warnings:** They vary with every chapter, but mentioning them would spoil the story, I think, so I won't mention all of them. The NC-17 warning should be enough of a warning in itself. Expect anything from this story, really.  
Overall, there are spoilers till manga chapter 157 and on, violence, blood, bad language (especially from Kanda's side), angst, sexual themes, lemons and God-knows-what as the story progresses.  
I try to write lemons in a more kind of subtle way, but then there's also the question of how much one's imagination can take. Also, someone said you can't rape the willing, but if this isn't rape, then I honestly don't know _what_ it is.

* * *

**~Gone Forever~  
Chapter 01: Wake up!**

**

* * *

**  
"I will do it."

The lingering silence was suddenly interrupted by a voice. Komui thought that everybody had already left the room, but that didn't seem to be entirely the case. He was lost so deep in his thoughts, however, that he hadn't noticed anyone saying anything at all. Not at first.

"...Huh?" The tall man looked questioningly in the direction of the sound's source, comprehension slightly off at the moment.

"I said I'll be the one to do it." Allen repeated with a straight face. His eyes were focused on the person in front of him, and one could tell the boy was as serious about this as serious a man could be. "Or would you rather let Lenalee in there after all?" He then asked, not really expecting an answer. They both knew what he was trying to get at.

Lenalee, Lavi - hell, it could be anyone, in all honesty - Allen was just trying to make a point. And the girl was used as an example for a reason. The white-haired Exorcist knew exactly which buttons to push right now, having no intention of holding back.

Well, his dark side was getting the better of him sometimes.

"Besides... It'll be less of a problem if it's a guy, right?" He then added matter-of-factly, trying to sound as convenient as possible. "And we're short on time. You said it yourself."

Just convince the supervisor, that was the main goal. Allen wasn't aware that he was probably also trying to convince himself alone in the process.

Komui could only blink, attempting to understand the boy's way of reasoning. He did have a point about the woman part, true... But, what the hell was he saying? This was a serious matter, and someone his age−

"Allen-kun, I can't let you do that−"

"−Kanda hates me anyway." The Exorcist cut him off, words of protest unacceptable. "...I have nothing to lose, really."

The taller man just stared at him, face expression far from a pleased one. More than anything, Komui seemed plainly worried.

After a moment, he closed his eyes, bringing his hand to scratch at his head, sighing deeply in defeat.

"...You know what you're trying to get yourself into, don't you?" He finally asked, already well aware that Allen wouldn't accept a 'no' for an answer.

* * *

"W-What do you mean?" Lenalee asked, worry apparent in her voice.

"Exactly what I said." Komui answered calmly, continuing his speech.

He asked only a few chosen people to come to the meeting room, concluding it would be better this way rather than making one big commotion out of their current problem.

General Froi Tiedoll, General Cross Marian, Noise Marie, Allen Walker and Lenalee Lee. Arystar Krory would also get an invitation, if it weren't for the fact that he still lay unconscious in the infirmary's bed.

"I'll explain everything one more time. As simply as I can."

Everyone turned to ears again, any kind of questions they wished to ask saved for later.

"Following Lenalee's steps, both Miranda Lotto and Kanda Yuu attempted to make their Innocence evolve into a crystallisation type anti-Akuma weapon." Komui explained.

"In Miranda's case, the process failed, and she hardly got away with her life. Thankfully, her condition managed to stabilize till now, and she's not in danger anymore."

"In Kanda's case, however, things went a bit different. When Hevlaska placed the Innocence inside of his body, it started to react to it in a strange way and show symptoms we aren't able to define yet. Among few other things, Kanda's lust factor – let's call it - increased drastically, and as if things weren't bad enough, he went totally berserk. The Innocence is still in connection with him, and as long as Kanda's body doesn't either synchronize or reject it, he'll probably stay that way untill the factor stabilizes or he dies."

The whole room fell silent. Komui coughed, claring his throat.

"What I mean to say is−"

"We need someone who'd be willing to sleep with him, is that it?" Cross inerrupted bluntly, a slight smirk apparent on his face.

Everyone turned their heads in the General's direction. Lenalee started to blush.

Marian couldn't help letting out a laugh. "This is so messed up it's almost funny."

"Master!" Allen snapped, apparently irritated with his teacher's behaviour.

"Now, now..." Tiedoll joined, trying to calm things down. "This is no laughing matter, unfortunately. Yuu might die if we don't do anything, if I understood correctly?"

Komui simply nodded. "Exactly." And then his face expression changed, to that kind of face he always carried when he talked about his 'brilliant' inventions. Such as Komurin.

Putting one of his feet on the table, his eyes flashed. "We are in need of... _A WOMAN!_"

"_...EEH?!_" Lenalee shrieked, blushing even more.

"Wha−? Ah, no! No, no, _NO!_" The supervisor ran to his sister, hugging her tightly. "I didn't mean it that way, Lenalee!!" Waterfalls of tears started to fall down his face. "I'd never let you do such a thing!! How can you even think that?! _Waaah!!_" ...Yes, he was starting to act retarded.

"Ha... Ha..." Allen's eyebrow was twitching, eyes covered by a shadow, face opened in a goofy smile, and two strands of hair were standing up on his head.

* * *

"...So, if anyone were to get any ideas or found a solution of some sort, you know where to find me. We confined Kanda in a room, so that he wouldn't run away anywhere." Komui stated after everything finally managed to calm down. "Just remember that the clock is ticking. We don't know how long this can last." He then added, when everyone turned to stand up. "...And if possible, I would ask you to keep this down. Unnecessary commotion will only bring us trouble."

And with that, the meeting was over. Everyone turned to leave the room. Well, _almost_ everyone.

* * *

Like _hell_ he knew what he was trying to get himself into.

The moment Allen entered the room and saw what state Kanda was actually in, he figured God had left him for even getting the sole idea of doing this. Not to mention the dark-haired man would probably kill him for this after everything was over.

Assuming he wouldn't kill him in the process first, that is.

Did Komui mention something about Kanda going berserk? Screw that − Allen could swear the guy looked as if some kind of demon possesed him. Worse, even. Akuma were small fry compared to this one. And the fact that all this was the Innocence's doing... simply terrified him.

Just− _What the fuck_.

"Um... Hello there, Kanda..." The boy tried to greet the other with a smile, but he didn't feel like smiling at all at the moment. The only response he got was something similar to a growl and some other hardly comprehensible sounds. God bless anyone who thought ahead and tied the bastard up − that was the only thought of relief Allen had. He didn't even want to think how things would end, were Kanda on the loose right now.

Well, they had to get to the hard part somehow. With _'how'_ being a very good question.

Truth to be told, anyone would have an idea of how such things worked after spending whole four years by Cross' side. Maybe Allen was still young, but the things he's heard or seen while he was in all of those brothels during their small adventure would probably leave a greater handfull of adults in awe.

Then again, theory and experience were also two completely different things...

Still keeping his distance, the white-haired boy waved his hand in front of the other's face, trying to see Kanda's reaction.

"...You don't get a word I say now, do you?" Allen asked, slight disappointment present in his voice.

He figured the "..._grawh!_" was supposed to be a _'no'_.

* * *

"...What's this?" Allen asked his supervisor, curiously looking at the bottle that's been handed to him.

"It's a lubricant."

"Lubricant...?" The boy repeated, not quite getting the point yet. "..._Oh_."

"You'll need it to−"

"I know, I know!!" The white-haired screamed as if his life depended on it, blushing furiously. "Y-You don't have to say it out loud..." He mumbled under his nose, trying to get ahold of himself.

Could he go now? Great.

"Allen-kun." Well, apparently Komui wasn't done with him yet. "Before you go, I'd still like to speak with you first."

The boy stopped in his tracks and turned around, giving his supervisor a slightly confused look. "Um... Sure?"

* * *

Allen stared at Kanda, then his gaze travelled to the bottle in his hand, then back to Kanda again. Then he sighed.

"Listen... I'm going to free you now." Allen reached for the other's arm, gripping on the ties that were around it. He wasn't sure if this was the most approriate thing to do in the first place, but he had to start somewhere.

To his surprise, Kanda seemed to calm down a bit after he made the move.

_Well, here goes nothing..._

When Allen was done with putting Kanda free, he was aware of one thing.

This was a very, _very_ bad idea.

For a moment there, he had no idea what was actually going on.

Stars. He could swear he's seen stars in front of his very eyes. And the thing he'd hit his head against was most likely the floor. When some sense came back to him, he noticed something else. Three things, to be exact.

First of all, the sudden, sharp pain in his neck. Apparently, Kanda had dug his teeth deep in the boy's flesh. What the hell? Was he playing the vampire now?

Second, the bottle he's been holding seconds ago wasn't in his hand anymore. It probably fell somewhere from the impact.

And, third, he could feel the dark-haired man's... erection. Pressing against him. Which, in turn, made Allen blush like crazy.

"K-Kanda!" The boy shuddered, sudden panic getting to him. "W-Wait... That's not how you're supposed to..." He brought his hands to Kanda's chest, intending to push him off somehow, but apparently the dark-haired man wasn't happy about the idea.

One swift move, and Allen's hands were being forcefully pinned to the ground. Struggling only seemed to make the other man more agressive.

"You idiot! Get ahold of yourself!!"

No matter how pointless this seemed to be, the white-haired Exorcist had no intention of giving up that easily. He was going to try and push his luck as far as it went, hoping to talk any bit of sense into the other man. Maybe he acted like some kind of wicked monster right now, but he was still the ally he knew somewhere deep inside there, wasn't he?

"Why did the Innocence reject you?!" Allen asked, trying to ignore everything else. "Was your resolve not strong enough? Weren't you−"

Suddenly, Kanda's hand shifted to the boy's waist, putting one of his hands free. Allen wasn't sure what the motive behind that was, but he could feel nails digging into his skin now and it was far from a pleasant feeling.

Then the younger boy's eyes widened, as he realized something "...Or are you the one who rejected the Innocence?" Allen asked in a shaky voice, recalling Suman's case.

No, it couldn't be. Kanda couldn't have became a Fallen One, right? Impossible. Surely Komui would have mentioned something about it if it were the case.

Then again, the berserk thing would make sense... But...

"No, that's not the case, is it?" Allen insisted, wanting to hear an answer. "The Kanda I know wouldn't even think about such a thing!" No matter how he looked at it, he couldn't even imagine Kanda betraying the Order. It was the last thing he'd do. "Come on! Say somethi−!"

He stopped as the pain around his neck decreased all of a sudden. And for a moment there, Allen wondered if he actually managed to break the barrier and get through to the other man. But then, the sharp pain came back after a second or two, even more impacting than before. And something inside of him just snapped.

"_Gah...!_ Kanda−! _Fuck you_−!"

It seemed like trying to do this the easy way was a fight for a lost cause, after all.

Activating his Innocence, the white-haired Exorcist managed to set himself free, not really intending to ram Kanda against the wall in the process. Standing up, he brought his right hand to his neck, confirming that blood was indeed running from the inflicted bite-wounds.

But one more second of inattention, and Allen was the one being tossed against the wall this time, as Kanda mercilessly made his way back to the boy's neck.

"_Ghh...!_ Goddamn, Kanda... Is biting people some kind of fetish of yours or what?"

* * *

They kept struggling with eachother for a while more, and Allen couldn't really recall when it came to the point where everything became more of a fierce battle than a mere struggle.

Holding Kanda by the colar of his black turtleneck, the boy suddenly stopped himself from placing another blow, realizing what the hell he's been just doing. He wasn't here to beat the living shit out of his fellow Exorcist. He was here because he himself decided to help Kanda, and both Allen and Komui knew what way he was supposed to help him in. Nobody forced him to come here and do this. It was his decision alone. And now he was trying to back away?

Still not letting go of the other's cloth, Allen clenched his teeth, breathing out loud.

"Get on the bed." The voice that left him was firm and filled with anger. "You could atleast _try_ being a bit more gentle, you know."

* * *

The time in which Kadna seemed to be left stunned from the hits was up earlier than Allen expected it to be. Nevertheless, he managed to take care of a few things during it. Such as find the lubricant, get himself undressed... Or get Kanda undressed.

They were both on the bed and Allen was starting to get nervous.

When the long-haired man came to himself, he didn't waste his time in approaching the boy again. Allen didn't resist this time, letting Kanda press him against the matress. He yelped when their naked bodies met, then stiffened and held his breath for a while, trying to get used to the new sensation of skin pressing against skin. He could feel his face warm up.

Surprisingly, Kanda didn't bite him this time.

"L-Listen... This thing here..." Allen started, feeling awkward for even trying to explain such a thing in the first place. As if Kanda could hear him, anyway.

And it seemed like the older man had no intention of listening, as he pressed the boy's hand abruptly down to the bed, causing him to let go of the bottle he was holding yet again.

"...Why do I even bother." The white-haired murmured, more to himself than to anyone else. A sigh escaped Allen's lips as he brought his free hand to his forehead, then looked at Kanda with half-lidded eyes, noticing that the other man was starting to get impatient.

For some weird reason Allen wanted to smile. However, he was too nervous to do so.

If Kanda were able to comprehend anything right now, he'd probably see one of the most lifeless face expressions the boy ever managed to give anyone before.

Suddenly, Allen started to wonder whether this was really the right thing to do. Then again, if this would make Kanda return back to normal, he was positive he wouldn't regret it. He failed to save Suman, and he wouldn't forgive himself if he weren't able to help another one of his comrades.

But then came the question of what would Kanda think about all this after everything was over? Would he remember anything at all? Somehow Allen couldn't picture him to be happy or thankful about the fact, not in the slightest... Rather quite the opposite.

_...He's going to kill me for this, won't he?_

The feeling of Kanda's lips on his neck made Allen come back to reality. He tensed, awaiting another bite, but to his surprise, nothing of the sort came. He let out a short yelp as the other man's tounge started making it's way to the earlier-inflicted wounds.

"...Kanda?" The boy called the other's name, confused. He was slightly taken aback from the sudden... gentleness. But then, Allen suddenly felt Kanda's hand on his inner thigh and it made him tense up again. An even bigger blush made it's way to his face when his legs were being spread apart. He inhaled deeply.

"Just... Easy..." The white-haired Exorcist whispered in a shaky voice, swallowing nervously. And when his gaze travelled to the ceiling, he couldn't help but wonder...

Has Kanda done this ever before?

* * *

"Allen-kun, are you still a virgin?"

Allen almost choked on his coffee, coughing desperately. Did Komui drag him to his office just to ask him _this_?!

He looked at his supervisor with a goofy expression, blushing slightly.

"Come on, don't be shy." Komui gave him a reassuring smile. "You've spent four years by Generall Cross' side. Both you and I know what kind of a person he is. I'd understand." Allen's eyes widened at the words. "He dragged you to all kinds of places−"

"No." The boy cut him off, voice dead serious. "My Master might be a pervert, but he'd never touch me."

Komui blinked, slightly surprised from the sudden change in attitude on Allen's side. "That's not what I was trying to..."

"I've never slept with anyone before." Allen finally answered, averting his gaze to the floor.

Silence fell between the two. Komui let out a deep sigh, feeling both relieved and worried at the same time.

"What is Kanda to you?" The older man asked, bringing the other's attention back to him again.

"...What he is to me?" Allen repeated, a bit puzzled.

"Are you attracted to him in any way?"

"Oh..." The white-haired boy was seriously starting to worry what Komui wanted to get at with all those weird questions. "No, it's not that..." He replied, turning to look at the mug of coffee he was holding. "Even if Kanda doesn't see me as a friend, he's an important comrade to me. If there's a way to help him, then I won't hesitate to use it." He paused for a moment, wrinkling his forehead. "...I don't want to see a friend die before my eyes ever again."

Komui stared at the boy before him. "...You're aware that this might have an influence on your relationship?"

"Other than making Kanda hate me more than he already does?" Allen shook his shoulders. "I doubt it."

"What about you?"

"...?"

"Can you tell you'll be able to look at Kanda the same way after spending the night with him?"

"...Why are you asking me all this?" The boy frowned.

"Allen-kun!" The taller man's voice rose, demanding an answer.

"It doesn't matter, dammit!" The white-haired Exorcist snapped. "As long as Kanda doesn't kill me afterwards, I'll live with it."

Komui fell silent for a while again. "You've been through a lot lately..." Then continued, his voice calm again. "I'm simply worried about you."

"...Yeah, sorry." The boy let out a sigh, getting ahold of himself. "I'll be fine."

After a moment, Komui stood up from his desk. "I'm going to talk with the higher-ups. I hope I'll be able to get that survelliance of yours suspended. At least for a few days."

The Exorcist looked at his supervisor, surprised. Then his face expression softened and a small smile appeared on his face. "Komui-san..."

* * *

The first thrust was clumsy and shallow, and the feeling wasn't quite what Allen imagined it to feel like. Awkward and uncomfortable, foremost. But then, the next was deeper, and he found himself hissing at the sudden pain that flashed thoughout his body.

Kanda was inside of him. And the sole thought was enough to make Allen feel embarrased beyond comprehension.

It hurt. Well, it wasn't so painful when they were still. The problem arose when Kanda started moving, making his insides burn from the friction.

Allen would do well to remember that giving up on the lubricant was a big _no-no_.

"_Ghhh_...!" The white-haired boy's eyes shot open wide as the other thrust inside of him with more force, not even giving him proper time to adjust.

"Kanda... St− _Agh_...! W-Wait−!" Allen reached to embrace the man around the neck, clenching on it as strong as he could manage, attempting to immobilize his partner somehow.

"S-Slow down a bit− will you−?!" But the more he tried to oppose, the more he was starting to think that nothing he did made much of a difference.

The boy cursed under his breath and closed his eyes, trying to get used to the sensation somehow. Which was far from an easy task so far.

"Oh, God... K-Kanda..." The pain was just too intense, and all Allen could hope for was that their small adventure would end soon enough.

* * *

"Ah!" The boy's eyes shot wide open as he abruptly got into a sitting postion.

He was on a bed. In his room?

_What..._ Was it all a dream?

"_Ack!_" One more move was enough to convince him that it wasn't. The unpleasant pain in the lower part of his body told him more than he needed to know.

The boy took a look at the window, noticing that it was already morning outside. Considering the state he was in, however, getting up just yet was probably a bad idea.

Nevertheless, Allen mustered up the strength to at least drag himself into the bathroom.

_Fifteen nail-scratches, six bite-marks, a hell lot of bruises and an abused behind... Could've been worse, I guess?_ The boy thought to himself vaguely, as he returned to his room, intending to get back to bed.

Did Komui bring him here? He couldn't quite recall everything from earlier... He must've lost consciousness at some point. Well, maybe he should be happy about the fact, considering...

Wrapping himself in his blanket, Allen figured he needed some rest for now. From what he's seen in the mirror a few minutes ago, he didn't look too good. And seeing that weirdo standing behind him on the other side of the mirror yet again hardly helped in making his mood any better.

He wanted to sleep.

However, minutes passed and somehow he couldn't bring himself to rest. His thoughts were constantly traveling back to Kanda.

He hoped that his efforts didn't go to waste and Kanda was alright now, but...

Truth to be told, Allen felt... uneasy. Now that it came down to it, he had no idea what he would do or say to the other man the moment they met again.

The boy could swear his heart almost jumped to his throat when the sudden sound of footsteps from somewhere outside the room reached his ears. He tried to tell himself and hope it was anyone, _anyone_ but Kanda.

No knock came before the door suddenly burst open, then closed right after with a silent _'wham'_.

Allen shifted on his bed slowly, turning in the direction of the person who just entered, trying to hide his nervousness.

To his dissatisfaction, it was indeed a very angry-looking Kanda.

"...What the _fuck_ were you _thinking_?!"

_Oh, boy... Here goes nothing._

A great way to start a day, indeed.

* * *

**Nayru's Note:** And so, the first chapter was born. :D Did you enjoy?  
I wanted to thank my friend, Mori, who was kind enough /coughIdidn'tforcedhimIswearcough/ to beta it for me. And while we were at it, an alternate ending came to life. xD

* * *

**~BLOOPERS~**

Mori: Yeah... Look, they could have just called some brothel. I'm sure Marian had it all covered. It would go a little bit like this:

Cross: "YO, KANDA!! WHICH ONES DO YOU FANCY?! Asian? Mixed?"  
Kanda: "_MUADADAGHAaa!!_"  
Cross: "..........Oooookay. The cheapest ones - yeah, a dozen of them, just in case. _Pssst_, Komui, call the boss and warn him that we'll need some extra funds to cover the damages for both physical and mental harm..."

_-several minutes later-_

Cross: "Are they done yet? Komui, status report."  
Komui: "Eight dead, two serverly wounded. He's still not done with the remaining two, but I'd say they won't last another five minutes... It's a _disaster!_ We have to stop this and−"  
Cross: "Seven minutes."  
Komui: "...What?"  
Cross: "Ten bucks says they'll be dead or dying in seven minutes."  
Komui: "Wh-what?! Are you out of−"  
Allen: "Eight minutes and fifteen dollars, Master."  
Cross: "You're on. Shake on it."


	2. Spare me the details

**Warnings:** Some serious talk, Kanda acting a bit out of character, crack, angst and a bit of blood.

* * *

**~Gone Forever~  
Chapter 02: Spare me the details**

**

* * *

**

Allen was clueless. He had no idea if it was better for him to get out of bed and run for his life − or rather, try to − anywhere far, far away, or just drop dead on the spot. He could swear he's never seen Kanda _this_ angry before. Even that time when the dark-haired man tried to threaten everyone on the Ark wasn't _this_ bad. Then again, _this_ and _that_ were completely different things, and Allen tried to tell himself that it needed to come to this meeting sooner or later. He should have been aware of the fact the moment he made his decision earlier.

Hesitantly, the white-haired boy shifted to a sitting position on his bed, keeping his gaze rooted to his visitor the whole time. He had this weird feeling that something bad would happen had he tried to look away.

Kanda was trembling − with fury, most likely − but he just stood there beside the door, throwing daggers at him, apparently waiting for Allen to say something − anything − maybe give a proper answer to his question.

What was he thinking? The boy wasn't sure himself anymore. The moment Kanda entered the room, his mind went totally blank. His voice died in his throat and he had no idea what to say; how to start this, and the silence was killing him. The only thing he was aware of were the frequent beats of his racing heart.

"...So you remember?" Allen finally brought himself to ask, not sure if that even sounded like a question or a statement.

"I _don't!_ That's the fucking problem!" Kanda roared.

The white-haired boy could feel himself tense up when the other Exorcist started to go further into the room, thus approaching him.

...Did he say something wrong? Was this the end?

But then, the older man stopped in his tracks.

"Komui told me..." To Allen's surprise, the other's voice sounded a bit more calm now. Well, maybe not calm. More like... uncertain. Kanda looked as if he was hoping all of this was some kind of sick joke, and Komui was just trying to make fun of him, or whatever. And that the boy before him could prove him right.

"...W-What did he tell you?" Allen stammered, trying so smile for once. But his smile disappeared immediately after a second or two, as he figured that Kanda wasn't fond of the idea of answering that question in the slightest.

Then the dark-haired man took a glimpse of Allen's exposed neck, and it seemed to confuse and piss him off even more.

Closing his eyes, he let out an irritated growl, abruptly shifting to sit on the floor, with his back pressed against the side of the bed.

"...I can't believe you!" He hissed, bringing his hand to his forehead, leaning his elbow on his knee. "Who even gave you the stupid _idea_..."

Allen blinked, slightly taken aback from the sudden turn of events. Maybe he could get out of this in one piece after all?

"...Are you alright now?" He asked, averting his gaze to his lap.

"No, I'm _not_ alright!" Kanda roared again. "...I feel like some kind of fucking pedophile!" The younger boy wasn't imagining things when he saw the other facepalm himself. "..._Jesus_."

Allen sweatdroped at that. Somehow he was surprised that age seemed to be the thing Kanda was worried most about right now. He even found that somewhat amusing. "...I'm almost sixteen, Kanda."

"_Still_ sixteen." The other corrected in an annoyed tone.

"You're not that much older yourself, you know." The boy backfired, starting to feel more relieved.

"...Whatever." Kanda grunted. "It still makes a difference."

"I was even able to get a critical before you did." Allen sticked his tounge out at the other man.

And it was obviously a bad move, as the dark-haired Exorcist turned to look at him with a look that could kill. "What the hell does _that_ have to do with anything?!"

Things were slowly getting back at the right track, Allen figured. He was used to fighting with Kanda like this, it made him relax more. At least this was something he could deal with.

"Age doesn't matter. See?"

"Right." The other answered in an sarcastic tone. "Of course it doesn't. Now just try and tell me you've been sexually active way before."

Allen frowned at the remark. Okay, maybe getting over this conversation wouldn't be that easy, after all. What was Kanda's problem, anyway? Why was he making such a big deal out of this? He didn't seem to care about anything else before.

Oh well, it was sink or swim, Allen figured. He knew he'd die from embarrasment during this conversation anyway, so he might as well take it all out.

"Who knows?" He gave a shrug. "Maybe I'm not as innocent as you picture me to be."

Kanda raised an eyebrow at that. "Are you kidding me?"

"What? Are you mad I was the one who took your _innocence_ away?" The boy asked in a sarcastic tone, blushing a little.

...Oh boy, he was starting to play with fire right now, and he knew it.

Next thing Allen knew, he was being hit in the face. Bringning his hand to his mouth, he tried to stop the sudden nosebleed.

Wrong button to push.

"What the fuck are you trying to pull?!" Kanda was furious again. "Are you trying to make fun of me?! Don't give me that shit!"

"...Sorry." Allen started to feel ashamed of himself. He had no idea what came over him.

Wiping his face in his blanket, he got it dirty all over. But somehow he couldn't find himself to care about it right now.

The dark-haired man clenched his fists, getting ahold of himself. "...don't..." He tried to say something, but didn't bring himself to finish. Then he took a seat again, on the edge of the bed this time. His gaze was rooted to the wall before him. "...I didn't think I'd hit you this hard."

The younger Exorcist finally looked at his visitor, slightly taken aback from the words he just heard.

Was that Kanda's way of saying sorry?

"...It's okay." Allen spoke in a reassuring tone. "I've been asking for it."

The older man looked in the boy's direction, still frowning, but his face expression was a bit more gentle now.

"I know... I know you're mad at me... and probably freaked out from all of this..." The white-haired Exorcist started, trying to find the right words as he averted his gaze to his lap again. He figured he needed to face this topic head-on sooner or later, and that's probably what Kanda waited for all along. "But I... I don't know what I'm supposed to say to you." He paused for a moment. "I wanted to help you, that's all..."

"I never asked for your help." The other stated bluntly, apparently not too happy with Allen's confession.

"Well _duh_." The boy looked up. "The state you were in, you could hardly ask for _anything_."

The dark-haired man went silent at that, and Allen blinked, wondering if he said something wrong again.

And then it hit him.

Was... Was Kanda actually feeling guilty because of what happened? Was that what this was all about?

"Kanda, you..." The boy started, a bit uncertain.

"You know what, I'm sick of this." The other interrupted him. "I'm sick of your stupidity, and I'm sick of the idea that you decided to go thought all that shit because of me."

Kanda was angry, but there was also something else in his voice, and Allen couldn't quite grasp what it was. Either way, he became talkactive all of a sudden, so the white-haired decided to turn to ears for now.

"And I'm even more sick of the fact that I don't remember a bloody thing." The man continued, turning to look at the boy with an intense look again. "I have no idea what you were actually thinking when you did that. Did it hurt you? Did you enjoy it? For all I know, maybe you actually wanted me to rape you?"

Allen was looking at the other man with wide eyes now, his face beat red. Was Kanda for real? Did he really say that just now?

"...W-What are you even saying?" He stammered, completely taken aback from the sudden words.

"So which is it?" The older man raised an eyebrow, seeing the other's wide blush.

Allen couldn't believe this. What was with him? This wasn't Kanda he was speaking with right now! What the hell?

"You idiot! I'm not...! It's not... like that..." He faltered, trying to find the right words. "...What's with you?!" And he was seriously starting to freak out here.

Kanda stared at him with a suspicious look for a while more, before he finally sighed and looked away, his frown returning to his face again. The other boy was just staring, dumbfounded, not knowing what else to say.

"...So, what do you want me to do?" The older man suddenly asked, irritated.

"Huh?" Allen blinked, not understanding.

"I'm also sick of the idea of staying in your debt." The dark-haired continued. "Tell me how to make it up to you."

Whoa, whoa, Kanda was really acting a bit out of character today, Allen couldn't help himself to note. The Japanese didn't have a debt problem with anything else before, so why now, all of a sudden?

"You don't have to pay me back with anything..." The boy answered in a soft voice. "I'm not awaiting anything in return, Kanda. The fact that I was able to help you is enough for me."

"Che. You and your idealistic crap." The other grunted. "Would you stop with it already? Tell me before I change my mind."

* * *

"You're finally awake." Komui entered the room with a tray in hand, alerting Allen's nose with all kinds of nice smells. "I've brought you something to eat. Figured you'd be hungry. I asked Jerry to make the ones you like."

There were all kinds of dishes on the tray, starting from sandwitches, potatoes, pasta and rice − followed by pancakes and dango − ending on all kinds of meat. The plates were even on top of eachother, apparently for more to fit.

"Ah, Komui-san." Allen sat up on the bed, smiling at his supervisor. "Thank you."

"How are you feeling?" The taller man asked, approaching the boy. It didn't take long for him to notice the apparent blush on Allen's face.

"...Is everything alright?" He asked, slightly puzzled. "...Did you catch a fever?"

"Ah! N-No!" The white-haired flailed. "It's nothing!" Smiling nervously, he yanked the tray of food from the supervisor's hands and turned to his newly-arived dinner. "_Itadakimasu!_"

"Did you talk with Kanda?" Komui asked after a moment.

And that made Allen stop in his attempts at eating. "...Yes. He was here."

"He ran out of the room before I could finish explaining everything. I figured he'd come here." The supervisor commented bluntly, smiling a little. "So, how did it go?"

"You can't imagine how angry he was..." Allen answered in a shaky voice, shivering at the thought. "But I guess we... came to a mutual agreement... somewhat."

"Oh?" Komui looked intrugued. "Well, I'm glad to hear that." And his smile widened even more. "You should have seen Kanda's face expression when I told him the truth! It was priceless."

"Komui-san...?" Allen sweatdroped. Alright, he was seriously starting to get worried. There was really something wrong with everyone lately.

* * *

"Really... There isn't anything..." Allen insisted.

Kanda growled in irritation.

The white-haired smiled nervously, suddenly getting an idea. "...How about you start calling me by my name, for instance?"

"Che. That's too much to ask, Moyashi." The other answered bluntly.

"Like _hell_ it is!" The boy complained. "Is 'Allen' _that_ hard to pronounce?" And it made Kanda give him a death-glare, so he decided to let it go, mumbling something hardly comprehensible under his nose. "...Nevermind."

"Think of something else." The other insisted.

Allen grimaced and folded his arms, thinking. Silence engulfed the two one more time, but it didn't seem to make them so uncomfortable anymore. Well, it wasn't that intense for the white-haired, at least.

"God damn me for even suggesting this..." Kanda started suddenly, a bit uncertain, then paused for a moment. "...How about we do this equally?"

The boy raised an eyebrow, puzzled. "Huh?"

"When you feel better..." The dark-haired man gritted his teeth and frowned, closing his eyes, and Allen wondered if he was just imagining things or did the other actually... blush right now? "...I'll let you have your way with me."

...

_What did he just...? I...? We... Wait... What...? WHAT?!_ Allen stared at Kanda with wide eyes, totally dumbfounded, and he could only hear his mind screaming at him in ways he didn't even consider possible.

What the hell was _that_ supposed to mean?

...No, Kanda didn't say that just now. He must have been hearing things.

"...Stop freaking out on me, you idiot!" By the time the white-haired boy started to come back to reality, he could feel his face burning, and Kanda's was also as red as a tomato. "It was just a stupid suggestion!" The other yelled, irritation back on track once again.

Allen opened his mouth to try and say something, but his voice seemed to have died in his throat.

And Kanda obviously lost it. "...Jesus, forget it."

In the blink of an eye, he was outside of the room, whaming the door behind him so loud that it almost made the white-haired boy jump in shock.

_What the...?_

* * *

And here he was, lying in bed like some kind of idiot, looking at the tray of food that stood beside on the floor. Somehow he couldn't bring himself to eat all of that, even though it wasn't even a one-tenth of what he normally used to have.

He felt sick.

Everything started to go wrong ever since they returned from the Ark. The moment Cross made him enter that bizarre room, something inside of him changed, and Allen felt so uneasy because of it that it was driving him crazy sometimes.

He started to doubt Mana. He started to doubt himself. ...He started to doubt everyone.

Headquarters were supposed to start moving to another place shortly. They needed his help in operating the Ark, and somehow Allen couldn't help himself but wonder if that wasn't the only reason the higher-ups still kept him here.

He really felt sick.

Komui managed to get his survelliance suspended for another week, but now that it came down to it, Allen wasn't even sure if he felt relieved because of that or not.

Being alone by himself scared him. Because he knew he wasn't alone, the paradox.

And now, Kanda...

He didn't know what to think anymore. He wasn't even sure if he understood it correctly.

...Was the dark-haired man really willing to sleep with him again, just to make it all up? ...Was he for real?

Allen found himself blushing when his imagination carried him a bit too far.

_...Screw this._ The boy stood up from the bed, ignoring the ache in his body.

He needed some fresh air. He'd seriously loose it if he stayed here any longer.

* * *

"They'll be moving soon." A girl's voice echoed throughout the dark room.

"Just now?" Joined a manly voice. "They sure are taking their sweet time."

"What do you expect? They lost over half of their men."

"Well, it's a good time as any. This might be fun."

"Enjoying yourself, like always. Eh, Tyki?"

"You know me." The Noah gave a smirk, turning to the other person that was standing next to them. "Fancy to join me, Lu? I have this nice idea..."

* * *

**Nayru's Note:** I wanted to thank everyone for reading! I was really surprised to get so many nice reviews! :O

I don't know if I'll be able to live up to everyone's expectations with this story, but I'll try to give my best. I already have a bunch of ideas in mind.

Although I think I should make one thing clear. Even though this is a Yullen fic, if anyone's expecting this to turn into fluff or something of the sort any time soon, then I advise you to look elswhere. If the story goes the way I want it to, then the relationship between the two will be far from a romantic one. The Yullen I picture in my mind is messed up and dysfunctional. Things such as 'I love you', 'omg, I love you too' simply do not work with Kanda and Allen for me. And even if there might appear some feelings later on, they have a long, long way to go. I like things to develop slowly, if only for the fact that it seems out of character for me if they don't.


	3. Don't know what went wrong

**Warnings: **Slight Allen/Lenalee, lots of angst on Allen's side.

* * *

**~Gone Forever~  
Chapter 03: Don't know what went wrong**

**

* * *

**  
The rest of the day turned out to be quiet. Allen spent a few hours outside, trying to sort his thoughts out and forget about everything that happened till now, hoping that tomorrow would be a better day. Nobody else came to see him − or rather, he wasn't in his room, if anyone was expecting to find him there.

By the time he got back, it was already night-time.

Because of the whole commotion earlier, the Order seemed to have changed a bit, and even though the feeling of familiarity wasn't completely gone, things just weren't the same anymore. The corridors were hollow and quiet, and if one didn't know better, the building could be easily mistaken for an abandoned place. There weren't even any guards anymore, making the Order seem vulnerable like never before.

That's why it was possible for anyone to go wherever they wished at any time like this. Allen could probably leave without actually trying, and by the time anyone noticed, he'd already be gone miles away. Now that Howard Link wasn't on his tail anymore, it would really be a piece of cake.

He wouldn't do that, of course, but did Komui really trust him to such an extent?

The boy sighed when he was back in his own bed again. A good night's sleep was probably what he needed the most right now.

Unfortunately, falling asleep turned out to be a harder task than he originally assumed it'd be.

Allen had no idea what was wrong with him.

He felt unsettled and this weird uneasiness just couldn't let go of him. He was worried about something, but he couldn't tell what it was. His thoughts were in one big chaos; it was really starting to get unnerving.

Mana and the Noah aside − now Kanda was another thing Allen found himself thinking about. Only that he didn't understand what the big deal was. He managed to help his comrade, and that was what mattered the most; end of story. Why the hell was he the one who started to feel guilty because of what happened all of a sudden? It shouldn't matter, and yet...

Maybe Komui's earlier concern wasn't that unreasonable, after all.

* * *

The next day, Allen woke up a bit late. Well, at least he was feeling a bit better now, despite the fact he didn't get the amount of sleep he usually did. He figured things would slowly get back on track, they just needed time.

The white-haired Exorcist was up on his feet, getting ready, when a knock came to the door. Wondering who it was, Allen finished buttoning his white shirt and tied the red ribbon around his neck in an attempt to cover the bite-marks that weren't completely gone yet. By the time he was finished, another knock came, louder this time.

"It's open!" The boy finally yelled, inviting the unknown guest inside.

The doors were swung open slowly, and the person behind them came in. "Allen-kun..."

"Ah, Lenalee..." Allen looked at his female friend, automatically bringing himself to smile.

"I didn't see you in the dining hall today." The girl started in a concerned voice, closing the door behind her. "...Or yesterday." She then added, even more worried. "Did something happen?"

"Ah, no..." The white-haired replied almost immediately, trying to keep his cool. After all, nobody beside Komui knew about what happened between him and Kanda the other day, and it was probably better to leave it that way. "I've eaten earlier today." The boy gave Lenalee a reassuring smile, pointing to the half-empty tray that Komui brought him yesterday, which stood beside the bed. It wasn't like Allen wanted to lie to her, but...

"...You're lying." Lenalee spoke after a moment, frowning, but her eyes were filled more with concern than anything else.

The boy tried to look unaffected by the sudden accusation. "No, really. I−"

"Jerry told me you didn't come." The girl cut him off, raising her voice a bit.

The white-haired went silent at that, and slowly his smile disappeared, but he still kept eye-contact with his current guest. It was a matter of seconds before the smile was back on his lips once again. "...I can't keep anything from you, can I?" The boy asked in a half-amused and half-disappointed voice.

"Allen-kun..." Lenalee repeated his name more silently now, starting to approach him.

"I didn't feel like eating, that's all." Allen started, his face expression gentle. "I have my worse days, too, you know. It's nothing serious. I should be back on track in no time." He tried to explain in a reasurring tone. "Please don't worry about me, Lenalee."

His female friend stared at him for a moment, not entirely convinced from what she just heard. 'Allen' and 'didn't feel like eating' just didn't fit together. "...Is it because of the attack?" She asked a bit uncertain. "You mustn't blame yourself. If it weren't for us... If it weren't for you..."

"I know. We did what we could." The boy nodded, closing his eyes and letting out a gentle sigh. Well, it was true that he was still blaming himself to some extent, but that was only to be expected. There would surely be less casualties, if only he'd been stronger... "...Don't worry, Lenalee." He repeated yet again, trying to sound as reassuring as he could manage. "...Everything will be alright."

And his words made Lenalee smile, finally. "You're too nice... Allen-kun..." Suddenly tears started to fill her vision.

Because of that, the white-haired boy's eyes widened for a moment. But then he chuckled. "Don't cry, silly." Bringing his hand to the girl's face, he started to wipe the salty droplets away.

"Allen-kun, I..." Lenalee continued in a shaky voice, not managing to finish, as she pressed her face to the boy's shoulder. And the white-haired let her, not surprised from the gesture this time, contrary to the first time it happened.

Putting his arms around her, the male Exorcist started to stroke her back gently, trying to show that it was okay, that he understood.

Now that Allen thought about it, he wasn't the only one who seemed to be torn after everything that happened. It affected everyone to some extent. He should have guessed that Lenalee was in need of comfort even more than he himself was.

"...Did you hear?" The female Exorcist finally spoke again when she calmed down a bit, pulling her face up from the white cloth, but still staying where she was.

"Hmm?" Allen only made a silent questioning sound.

"Kanda's alright now." It was a happy statement, almost a whisper.

Despite his will, the boy suddenly tensed, and he could swear his heart stopped for a moment, when the word 'Kanda' left Lenalee's lips. Right now Allen was thankful that the girl next to him wasn't able to see the shocked expression on his face.

_Stupid, calm down. Lenalee doesn't know..._

"Nii-san told me that in the end, his body rejected the Innocence..." She continued, apparently unaware of the sudden panic she's just caused. "But at least he's okay now."

"I-I see." Allen gave his best attempt to sound both surprised and happy. "That's good to hear."

Well, he wondered about this, too, but somehow he forgot to ask Kanda about it when he had the chance. He was silently hoping that his help would enable the other to synchronize with the Innocence in the end, but it went the other way, after all.

"...Allen-kun?" Lenalee suddenly asked after a moment of silence, and the boy tensed again, wondering if her voice really sounded so... terrified as he heard it, or if it was just his imagination.

"...Lenalee?" He asked her name in return, wondering what was wrong all of a sudden.

_...Oh God, please tell me she didn't−_ His heart jumped to his throat again when he realized what the deal could be. The female Exorcist was this close to him − or rather, just inches away from him − so close to his neck. There was always the possibility that he missed something, and that collar of his wasn't very high anyway.

"Is that..." Allen swallowed when the girl continued. "...blood?"

"Huh?" The boy pulled away, looking at her with a puzzled expression, but she wasn't facing his way. When he turned to look at what she was staring at, he sweatdropped. "...Oh, that." He started to laugh stupidly, mentally kicking himself for forgetting to change the blanket after Kanda's small visit. "It was just a small nosebleed, nothing serious..." Well, that wasn't technically a lie...

"See, that's what you get from not eating!" Lenalee turned back to the boy with an annoyed expression on her face. "You've been pushing youself way too hard!" She tried to sound scolding.

Typical Lenalle. One moment she's all unsecure and fragile, and the next she's like this. But Allen didn't mind, he was used to it by now. Truth to be told, he grew fond of the brother-sister kind of relationship they developed. Having someone who was willing to be there for you all the time was a treasure not many people used to have. And it worked both ways in their case.

Even though the white-haired _did_ sometimes wonder whether Lenalee sees him the same way as he sees her, or if there's more to it than just that. It was an unsoken promise, something they never actually talked about.

If it were to come to the point where Lenalee would want more than just friendship...

Actually, he had no idea what he would do.

"Off to the dining hall with you!" Next thing Allen knew, he was being pulled in the direction of the exit, his thoughts forced aside.

All he could do was smile, figuring it was better not to complain right now.

* * *

They came across Lavi in the cafeteria, and even if for a short time, Allen got his mind off of things and actually enjoyed himself for once. Although he could pretty much manage without the part where both of his friends wanted to stuff his face with another round of food that he didn't feel like eating anymore.

Lavi only commented that the end of the world was coming, for Allen Walker to suddenly have a limit in food consumption.

The three talked and laughed for a while. It was fun.

Although, somewhere in the back of his mind, the white-haired wondered if they would come across Kanda as well. Oddly enough, he was somewhat relieved that they didn't.

* * *

After a few hours, Allen was back in his room, with a fresh blanket in hand. Before he came back, he made a stop at the infirmary and Nurse handed him a new one.

Sighing, the boy fell on top of the bed, thinking what he should do next. Now that he was feeling better, maybe getting back to training would be a good idea?

...As if a reminder that things were starting to go too well, his mind automatically went back to the last time he trained, namely with Kanda.

The white-haired sighed, slightly irritated.

And that was more or less the moment, from where everything started to go plainly wrong.

When Komui rushed into his room without any kind of warning, Allen almost jumped in shock, blinking at the other in confusion. His supervisor was totally out of breath.

"W-What happened?" The young Exorcist brought himself to ask, startled. Unfortunately, he didn't get a reply, as the older man turned to leave the room as soon as he took glimpse of the boy.

"Stay here." Was the only thing that left Komui's lips in a dead-serious voice, before he was gone.

"...Komui-san?" Allen asked unsure, standing up, with the intention of following his supervisor. But then Lenalee rushed into the room even before he could get out.

"Allen-kun!" She was trying to catch her breath as well. "General... Cross, he..." She tried her best to talk between heavy breaths.

_Oh please, no..._ The younger Exorcist looked at her dumbfounded, sudden panic getting the better of him. _W-What did my idiot master do this time...?_

"He disappeared...!" She continued. "He's nowhere to be found..."

Allen twiched, frowning. _Great move, master... Just great._ He couldn't believe this. What the hell was Cross thinking? Was he seriously out of his mind? _Way to go, this will surely make us seem less suspicious..._

_

* * *

_"I'm _not_ part of this!" The white-haired Exorcist declared in a desperate voice, trying his best to sound like he meant it. It was obvious that Komui would come back to his room after a few minutes, and now it was just the two of them and Lenalee. "I have no idea what my master was thinking... I'd never..." Allen stuttered, trying to calm down.

Komui stared at the boy in silence, and to Allen's surprise, he didn't look mad. He seemed plainly worried.

"Allen-kun... Nii-san..." Lenalee spoke in a slightly puzzled voice. She didn't understand why her brother was interrogating her friend this much. Well, true, Cross was Allen's master, but didn't the boy say that he didn't know anything about the other's disappearance clearly enough?

It was natural of her to think that way, of course, as the whole thing with Walker being suspected of treason was something only Komui, the science department, his master and the higher-ups were aware of. None of the white-haired boy's friends knew of this fact, and Allen truly hoped that wouldn't change any time soon.

...Because all of this was just one big bullshit, wasn't it?

"Allen-kun." Komui approached the white-haired Exorcist, placing both of his hands on the boy's shoulders, meeting the other's eyes with an intense look. "I trust you." The supervisor's words were spoken in utmost care, leaving an impact on both of his listeners. "And I am on your side, no matter how things might look sometimes. ...It's just that you need to understand." He paused for a moment, as if giving time to prepare for what he was about to say. "Central doesn't think the way I do. There might come a time when I won't be able to do anything anymore."

Silence fell upon the room. Then Allen gave a confident nod, showing that he understood.

"If it were to come to that..." Komui continued. "I want you to get out of here immediately."

Lenalee's eyes widened in disbelief.

The white-haired boy kept staring at his supervisor, as if unafected by the words, but the older man could tell that something changed in the Exorcist's eyes. Allen's gaze fell down to the floor before he finally gave another nod.

And without saying anything else, Komui turned to leave.

"Komui-san." The white-haired called out the man's name before he approached the door. The supervisor stopped in his tracks, turning back to look at the boy one more time. "Thank you."

* * *

"Allen-kun..." Lenalee's voice was filled with worry. She didn't understand. Why did her brother say all those things? "What−"

"Lenalee." The boy cut her off, as if not even paying attention that she wanted to ask something. He was facing the other way as he spoke. "I'm sorry, but... Could you leave me alone for a while?"

* * *

When evening came, Allen figured that staring at the ceiling was slowly starting to become a habit of his. He was sprawled on top of his bed, thinking all those stupid thoughts again. As if things weren't bad enough before. What else could go wrong?

The Order became his home; a place he could always return to. And now, he didn't even feel like he belonged here anymore...

He hoped that he would finally get a chance to talk with his master, somehow. And now, Cross was even more out of his reach. Just what was that stupid General of his up to?

...Allen seriously had it. He didn't know what to think or do anymore.

He wanted to talk with somebody. He wanted to get his thoughts off of these stupid things. But at the same time he didn't want to drag any of his friends into this mess. He didn't want to make Lenalee worry about him. He didn't want to make Lavi worry about him... He didn't want−

_Oh hell, no way... _In all honesty, Kanda was the last person he should show his weaknesses to. _After..._

Every time he thought about their last conversation, he felt something twirl inside of his stomach. It was sickening…

Minutes later, Allen found himself in the bathroom, throwing up. Not because he was feeling disgusted or anything − it was the first time stress managed to get under his skin this much.

When everything was over, he sat on the cold floor, pressing his back against the wall. Then he clenched his hand on his chest, waiting for the pain to subside.

After a moment, the boy calmed down. And then something snapped. He helplessly listened how his pants slowly started to become sobs, and before he knew it, tears were running down his face. He just couldn't stop himself.

Allen couldn't remember when was the last time he cried this hard.

* * *

_I look like a zombie now... _Allen thought to himself when he was brushing his teeth in front of the mirror. He was slightly embarrased with himself from crying like that, but at least he felt a bit better now. ...It wasn't like anyone saw him doing it, anyway.

...

_Okay, maybe someone did._ He threw a resigned look at his 'friend' in the mirror. The shadow was smiling at him, as always. _Yeah, I love you too. _Allen seriously felt like killing someone now.

Back in his room, the white-haired sat on the bed, sighing deeply. Then he fell backwards on top of it. The place was so quiet... For a short moment his mind went blank, and he found himself relax.

Before his mind wandered back to Kanda again.

Allen frowned, opening his eyes. Maybe he should go and talk to him, after all? If there was some kind of problem, then he should go and try to solve it, right? Because apparently there was something wrong. Otherwise it wouldn't bother him like this the whole bloody time.

All in all, they didn't get to finish their earlier conversation, so maybe they should? The boy wasn't sure where he wanted to get at with that, but at least they could try and put a few things straight?

_Like... Uh..._

...Well, just thinking about it wouldn't solve anything, would it?

* * *

**Nayru's Note:** I wanted to thank everyone for reading and for all the wonderful reviews again! Do you guys have any idea how inspiring those words of yours are?


	4. Come out and play!

**Warnings: **Some serious Yullen talk, angst.

* * *

**~Gone Forever~  
Chapter 04: Come out and play!**

**

* * *

**

It took a longer while of intense contemplation and rolling around the bed before Allen finally made up his mind and stocked up the courage to leave his room. And by the time he did so, he still wasn't sure if what he was intending to do was the wisest thing in the world. Then again, what could happen in the worst case scenario? There was only one way to find out, right?

At least that's what the boy kept telling himself when he found himself standing in front of the door leading to Kanda's room.

Looking to his left and right one more time, Allen made sure that nobody else was in the corridor beside him, and thankfully, it seemed that the lights were green the whole time.

_Alright..._

Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door rapidly, almost as if wanting to prevent himself from getting second thoughts about it. Now that the wheels have been put into motion, there was no turning back.

Right after he did what he did, however, realization about one thing hit him.

...What time was it again? It was late evening, for Christ's sake. Obviously the best of times for paying an unexpected visit to someone who didn't even consider yourself an acquaintance, let alone a friend.

Even more horror made itself apparent on the young Exorcist's face, as he realized that Kanda might indeed take his late visit the wrong way, considering what the dark-haired man said − or rather suggested − last time.

_Great going, Allen... _The boy kicked himself mentally, desperately trying to find some kind of quick solution.

Unfortunately, no brilliant ideas came. Running away now wasn't even an option; if Kanda were to notice him doing so, he'd seriously just make an idiot out of himself and probably die from embarrassment.

Surprisingly, seconds passed and nothing happened.

The white-haired blinked a few times, then relaxed a little when he realized that nobody had the intention of answering the door.

Maybe Kanda was already asleep? Or maybe he wasn't even in his room, for all Allen knew.

Either way, the boy wasn't intending to ponder on the possibilities, not here and not now, at least. Lady Luck must have been on his side on this one, so he should be grateful and just go back to his room as fast as possible−

"Do you know what time it is?"

Allen jumped in shock, letting a sound of surprise, and almost rammed himself against the door before him when he suddenly heard the manly voice coming from somewhere beside him. He turned around abruptly, not caring that his eyes were wide like two silver coins.

"Ah, Kanda..." Great timing, really. Maybe luck wasn't on his side after all, just like it wasn't in the past days or weeks. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't even notice anyone approached him just now. "...I wanted to talk with−"

"There's nothing to talk about." Kanda cut him off bluntly, turning to open his room as if it were the most natural thing to do right now. And ignoring everything else, he made his way inside.

Allen's reaction was a bit off at the moment, but he managed to catch the door in the last minute, before Kanda shut it right in front of his face. "W-Wait!"

And then the fierce struggle was on, and the white-haired was very well aware that he would lose this fight, if it weren't for the foot that was hindering the door from closing. After a few seconds of hearing nothing more than curses that were being thrown at him, however, he really started to doubt his actions and wonder whether he really should just let it all go and 'get lost' as Kanda so passionately wished.

But then, to Allen's biggest surprise, the dark-haired man was the one who let go of the door first, sighing in annoyance. Then he made his way further into the room without saying anything, apparently leaving the other do what he wanted.

...The younger Exorcist figured he could come in?

* * *

"There's something you're not telling me, isn't there...?"

"I'd never lie to you, Lenalee." Komui looked at his sister with a gentle expression, smiling slightly. "Just... Please, understand. It's something that shouldn't leave Central for the time being."

"So there _is_ something wrong..." The girl whispered, saddening even more. "Nii-san, what did Allen do...? What's happening...?" Lenalee knew something was off ever since that Howard guy started to stalk her friend without an apparent reason. And now, after the conversation she witnessed, worry wasn't letting her rest for a single minute anymore.

Komui heaved a soft sigh, then moved closer, giving his sister a gentle hug. "I'm sure Allen will tell you everything himself when the time comes." The supervisor spoke in an assuring tone. "...Just believe in him for now. Okay?"

"Nii-san..." Lenalee hugged tightly in return. She didn't understand any of this. What could be so serious for everyone to keep it secret?

"It's hard on me, too." The man continued after a short moment. "Don't worry, Lenalee. Everything will be alright, I'm sure of it."

The female Exorcist pulled away, looking in her brother's eyes with a pained expression. She wanted to believe that, but there was nothing she could do to convince herself so far. What was she supposed to do?

"Come on, try to get some rest." Komui spoke silently, placing his hands on the girl's shoulders. "We'll have a busy day tomorrow."

* * *

The gloomy atmosphere was probably the first thing that Allen noticed after he took a step inside. Although the structure of the room was very similar to his own, somehow he felt as if he were in a completely different dimension all of a sudden.

There was just a single bed, and a table with a big hourglass standing on top of it. With... a lotus flower inside?

_So this is Kanda's room..._

Any further observations were had to be saved for later, as the dark-haired man gave his visitor an intense look, right after he took a seat on the bed.

Allen closed the door behind him gently, then pressed his back to them, and just stood there, not daring to move further into the room. Not yet, at least.

"About what you said..."

"I told you to forget it." Kanda interrupted the other again, his voice sharp like a razor. But then his self-confidence seemed to have wavered, as he broke eye contact with the boy. "I wasn't thinking straight when I said that..."

_...Okay, so much for that part. _Allen thought to himself, wondering about another way to start a decent conversation around here. Kanda apparently wasn't in the mood to talk, but then again he never was, so that wasn't anything new. The younger Exorcist knew he wouldn't get much out of this conversation until he pushed it. And − goddamn it all − even if arguing was the only way to get Kanda talking, he decided to go that way if necessary.

"...So you're going back on your word now?" Allen spoke in a more confident voice, though he still wasn't sure if pushing the matter this way was a wise thing to do at all. Mainly because he didn't know what he was trying to get at himself. "I thought you hated people who didn't keep their promises."

The white-haired's remark brought Kanda's stare back to him, showing a mixture of anger, slight disbelief and confusion right now.

"...Or are you afraid that I might have taken that the wrong way?" Allen continued, as the older man stayed silent for the time being.

"What wrong way?" Kanda finally asked, irritated. "...Didn't I make myself clear enough?"

There was silence for a moment, then the younger boy swallowed nervously before he spoke again. "...How's sleeping with me supposed to make things any better?"

The dark-haired man's gaze turned to a contemptuous one. "Because apparently that's what you wanted in the first place."

Allen blinked, slightly taken aback by the answer. "I wanted to help you, Kanda!" He frowned, trying to sound as if he meant it.

"Right." The older man gave a shrug. "And if someone else were to end up in the same situation, you'd help them, too, wouldn't you?" His voice had a sarcastic ring to it.

The white-haired clenched his fists in annoyance. "At least I'm not a cold-hearted bastard who doesn't give a damn about anyone!" Okay, maybe that was a bit over the line there, because Allen already had enough opportunities to realize that Kanda wasn't entirely on the inside what he was on the outside, but somehow he didn't care right now.

"At least I'm not an unreasonable idiot who'd threw away his life for anyone." The older man countered, apparently pissed as well, but making a better job at keeping his composure.

"You"re such a−" Allen stopped himself from finishing that, letting out one big growl of irritation. "No, okay, let's just... stop there." The boy tried to get ahold of himself and calmed down, letting out a deep sigh. "We're going in circles again. I didn't come here to argue with you."

"Could have fooled me." Kanda didn't seem to be convinced.

"See, you're at it again! For God's sake, Kanda, can't we talk like normal people for once in our entire lives?" Allen finally brought himself to move from the door frame and approached his comrade, taking a seat on the floor across from the bed, trying not to get too close for both his and Kanda's taste. "What exactly are you so mad about?"

"You're the one who has some kind of fucking problem around here!" The dark-haired man snapped at him, raising his own voice this time. "Did you come here just to piss me off again?"

Allen tried to ignore those last remarks, assuming they would only lead to more pointless fighting. That's not the direction he wanted to go in. "...You're mad because you don't remember anything, is that it?"

"I'm mad because you butt into other people's business without thinking twice!" Kanda thundered immediately. "Have more faith in other people, will you?"

"...Ah." The white-haired paused for a moment, startled. ...Did Kanda actually mean that he wanted for Allen to trust him more? Was he pissed because he didn't let him handle the situation on his own? "But... you could have died..."

"I wouldn't die!" The older man hissed.

"...You couldn't expect me to simply sit back and watch when your life was on the line!" Allen complained.

"Are you deaf?" Kanda's beliefs didn't seem to change in the slightest. "I'm telling you I wouldn't die!"

The younger Exorcist fell silent and kept staring at the man before him, slight confusion invading him. And before he knew it, the feeling of guilt was tearing it's way into his chest.

"So it's actually my fault, I..." Allen paused, averting his gaze to the floor as comprehension hit in. "You're... You're right. I had no right to make such a decision on my own... I−"

"For the love of God, just don't start and go whining on me now." Kanda rolled his eyes, speaking in a calm voice again. "That just... shouldn't have happened. What the hell was Komui thinking, anyway?"

Suddenly a faint smile made it's way to Allen's lips, but there was no malice in it. "Well... I had my ways to convince him."

Kanda raised an eyebrow at that. No, seriously, apart from pissing the living hell out of him, the younger Exorcist was a real mystery to him sometimes. Even though Hell would rather freeze over before the dark-haired man addmitted it to himself, Allen did change since the first time they met. That annoying naivety and unreasonableness was still there in him, but... something was seriously off now and then. And whenever the younger boy made weird remarks such as these, Kanda couldn't help but take them for mockery, as he was convinced Allen wasn't himself when he was acting that way. He probably wouldn't give a damn about any of it, were it not for the fact that it got to the point where it almost disturbed him sometimes.

"Komui was the one who suggested finding a partner for you, in case you didn't know." Allen continued in a collected voice, seriousness back in his features. "...Just be glad that Lenalee or Miranda didn't take my place."

Kanda was left dombfounded just from hearing that. What the hell, was that supposed to be a joke, or was Komui seriously out of his fucking mind? Had he ended up with... obvious consequences from sleeping with a woman, he'd seriously kill anyone that would be responsible for it. Be it even the supervisor, he wouldn't care. ...Hell no, he didn't even want to imagine such a scenario.

But things could have really ended up much worse then they did, now that Kanda thought about it.

Hatred was the dominant emotion that he felt for Allen - so much hasn't changed ever since they met, and somehow the dark-haired was convinced it wouldn't change for as long as he lived, no matter what happened. Walker was just one of those types of people he simply couldn't stand. Because of this, the fact that he had caused the other pain in one way or another wasn't something he should practically feel guilty about. The white-haired was the one who asked for it, anyway, so he simply got what he deserved. Maybe he could learn a thing or two from his own stupidity. Those careless actions of his simply pissed Kanda off to no end, and that was probably one of the main reasons why the older Exorcist hated the other so much.

But didn't that make things easier?

If only...

"Um..." Allen was the one who broke the awkward silence that somehow fell between them, interrupting the dark-haired man's thoughts. "Kanda, is that... debt thing still valid?" He asked, unsure.

All in all, they didn't get to decide on that in the end, have they?

The older man blinked once, wondering what the hell did that idiot come up with this time. But he didn't need to take his sweet time to give an answer to that question.

"...What do you want?"

* * *

"Let me repeat myself." A manly voice echoed throughout the hall. "You didn't kidnap me. I _let_ you kidnap me."

"Oh, but of course." Tyki was the one to answer, trying to sound bewildered. "We wouldn't expect anything less from a General."

"Would you two stop it already?" Road interrupted the conversation. "If I didn't know better, I'd seriously think you were trying to flirt with eachother."

Cross turned in Tyki's direction, smirking. "Sorry to disappoint you, lad. You're not my type."

"_Aww_, now you broke his heart!" The eldest Noah sounded amused. She jumped, making her way to the General and threw her arms around his neck in a playful manner. The heavy chains that were currently restraining his movements made a clanking sound. "Who is your type then, hmm?"

"Sorry, I'm not into loli, either." Marian tried to look unaffected.

"Would you please stop playing with the enemy." Lulubell suddenly appeared from behind the corner. "We need to move quickly."

"Now she's something I could fall for." Cross admitted, though it was obvious he wasn't serious about anything he said regarding the topic so far.

Lulu Bell simply tried to ignore him.

"Planning on attacking the Central with my appearance now?" The red-haired General suddenly spoke with more dignity. "You think all of them are stupid enough to fall for something like that?"

"Aren't you already under suspicion?" Road smiled at him slyly. "Poor Allen, you'll probably break his heart, too."

Cross smiled in return. "So you're actually going through all the trouble just to lure my idiot-apprentice out. I shouldn't be surprised."

The sudden sound of chains hitting the floor made the girl blink in slight confusion. She jumped away from the General abruptly.

"Easy, I won't do anything." Marian spoke in a carefree voice, as he adjusted his clothes and stretched his hands. _Not yet, at least. _"Uncomfortable these things, aren't they?"

Nobody moved as the three Noah stared at Cross in silence.

"Lad." The red-head suddenly turned in Tyki's direction one more time. "Could you lend me a smoke?"

* * *

While Kanda was lost in his thoughts, Allen was also lost in his own − although they were very, very different compared to eachother. And the younger boy couldn't help but wonder where they actually came from all of a sudden, but somehow they did. Even though he told himself it was the last thing he should ask right now, let alone do, he simply...

"Could I..." Allen swallowed nervously, averting his gaze to the floor, blushing slightly.

_What the hell am I thinking..._ The boy asked himself again, being at a loss. Kanda would kill him for this. There was no way... But at the same time, the thought just wouldn't leave him alone.

"...Can I kiss you?"

Truth to be told, Allen simply found it kind of awkward that they ended up in bed together and didn't even get a chance to kiss eachother before. Was it stupid to think that? He had no idea, but that was simply something he felt like doing right now.

"...What?" As expected, Kanda was completely taken aback by the question.

"Because... we never got the chance to before." The white-haired stretched the topic further, trying to sound more confident. "...And I simply feel like it."

The Japanese stayed still. "Hormones getting the better of you?" And it that was supposed to be a contempt, it sure sounded a bit too serious for one.

The question made Allen look in the other's eyes again, but his gaze was filled with something Kanda couldn't quite grasp. "Afraid?"

What, was he trying to turn this into a challenge now? The nerve of that bastard, what the hell was he trying to pull? The older man stayed motionless for a moment, before he closed his eyes in a scowl.

"I guess I did say you could do what you wanted..." Kanda was apparently mad at himself now, too.

When he opened his eyes, Allen was just staring at him.

_Christ, I must be going out of my fucking mind. _The dark-haired man sighed. "So? Are you going to sit there all night?"

The invitation encouraged the younger boy to move, as he slowly stood up and made his way closer to the other. His first thought was to sit beside Kanda on the bed, but something in the back of his mind told him to choose a more daring option.

The dark-haired man arched himself backward a little, giving Allen an irritated look, as the boy sat in his lap, facing him. And Kanda fought the sudden urge to hit him for it. "Don't get so damn cocky, you−"

His voice died a miserable death before he got to finish, however.

Both Allen's and Kanda's eyes shot open wide in shock. They didn't move, wondering − or rather hoping, that the sudden knock on the door was just their imagination.

But the door burst open even before they got a chance to react.

"Yuu, there's−" The new visitor stopped dead in his tracks, right after he entered the room, blinking. "Uh..."

And then there was silence.

_Grave_ silence.

* * *

**Nayru's Note:** To be honest with you, this chapter didn't exactly turn out how I originally wanted it to. I ended up editing it a lot of times. I also cut the story in a different place than I intended, mainly because everything took more space to develop than I assumed it would, but I guess that's actually a good thing.

I was hesitant about the outcome of Allen's and Kanda's conversation, because things I planned to happen overall were really hard to get at when it came down to it in the end. Kanda seemed simply OOC for my taste – he's really hard to write when you want him to do things he supposedly would never even think of doing. I guess I just pushed things in the direction for everything to work out somehow...


	5. Craving this disaster

**Warnings: **Violence, implications of Lavi/Lenalee, sexual themes and some nice Yullen action.**  
**

**

* * *

**

**~Gone Forever~  
Chapter 05: Craving this disaster**

**

* * *

**

Okay, maybe a bunch of weird stuff happened lately, Lavi had to give credit for that. Life at the Black Order was always full of surprises. But this? This was simply an overkill. The moment he took a step inside Kanda's room, his brain had a serious malfuncion.

Allen was probably in a similar situation, as he couldn't quite recall everything that happened in detail a mere second after the red-head came into view.

Before the boy knew it, he was laying on the floor, with just a painful aftertaste of the impacting force that shoved him there. Lavi didn't even twitch when Kanda advanced towards him.

Everything just happened too fast.

"First of all." The dark-haired man spoke through gritted teeth, apparently trying to get ahold of his anger. "This is _not_ what you think."

Catching Lavi by the collar, Kanda shoved him brutally against the wall, where he held him in place with his hands. The red-head just stared at his attacker in shock.

"Second; you've never seen this to begin with!" The Japanese man raised his voice, pressing the other to the cold stone even harder.

Lavi raised both of his hands in front of him slightly, as if wanting to gesture for the other to calm down, but that didn't seem to do the trick in the slightest.

"And _third_ of all." Kanda hissed dangerously. "How many _fucking_ _times_ do I have to tell you to _knock_ before you come in?!"

"...I-I did knock." Lavi stammered, wondering if it was a good idea to say anything at all right now.

"And did you hear me say you could come in?!" The dark-haired roared in such a manner that even Allen started to feel terrified of him all of a sudden.

"Yuu... I can't... breathe..." The red-head started to mutter in a surpressed tone.

The last word made Allen snap out of his bewildered stare instantly. The boy was on his feet in a matter of miliseconds. As he opened his mouth, intending to say something that could make them stop, however, Lavi was put free and fell to his knees.

Kanda gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. God, he felt like killing both of them right now.

"What the fuck is wrong with you people lately? The hell do you want from me at this hour?!"

Lavi swallowed, catching his breath. "...N-Nothing anymore." Without putting thought to anything else, he stood up clumsily, withdrawing to the entrance. "S-Sorry!" And then he was gone, closing the door behind him abruptly.

"Um..." Allen finally found his voice, feeling a bit unsecure all of a sudden. "Shouldn't we try to explain things to him...?" Despite the awkward situation, he actually felt sorry for what happened, and wanted to apologize to Lavi for it. After all, it was his idea to begin with...

"Like I care!" Kanda hissed, making Allen tense again.

Well, at least his voice was a tone more quiet now...

* * *

"L-Lavi!" Allen called out, following his friend through the corridor in a haste.

The red-head stopped in his tracks as soon as he heard the boy's voice, turning in the sound's direction. It took a single moment for the other to catch up to him.

"S-Sorry about that!" The younger male mumbled, a slight blush apparent on his face. "It's really not what you think..."

Lavi was still trying to get ahold of his shock and confusion, which were written all over his face. "No, it's okay... Yuu tends to overreact like that, I'm used to it by now." He spoke in a surprisingly calm tone. "I'm the one who should be sorry." Then paused, blinking. "But... _Wow_, Allen. I didn't know."

The boy looked at his friend making a goofy face as he smiled awkwardly. "You have a minute...?"

* * *

"So basically, you're trying to tell me..." Lavi spoke when Allen seemed to have finished his share of the story. "That you did all of that for Yuu just in order to save him."

The two moved to Walker's room in the end, figuring it was the best place for a private conversation at the moment. Bookman was in the red-head's shared room right now, and anywhere else always had the possibility of someone eavesdropping. Walls had ears, after all. Or so they said.

"And that he's utterly pissed at you for doing it." Lavi continued, raising his index finger. "But at the same time, he also feels indebted to you in a way."

Allen only nodded.

"And you sat in his lap asking for a kiss, because..."

"I was curious, I guess..." The younger boy finally spoke, uneasiness filling his voice, as he buried his face in his knees. "I don't even know what I was thinking myself anymore..."

"There's nothing wrong with that, Allen." Lavi said in a reassuring tone, smiling to himself. "We may be Exorcists, but we're still human..." He trailed off suddenly.

_I may be the future Bookman, but I'm also human..._ Lavi thought to himself vaguely. It's something he came to realize after their unexpected trip to Noah's Ark. Memories of the world Road created before him suddenly came back to him, but he tried to shake them off. He knew it was something he would be better off not even thinking about, but he simply couldn't help it sometimes.

The read-head suddenly raised an eyebrow, smiling teasingly. "Hey, didn't Road kiss you before?"

"T-That hardly counted!" Allen looked up, blushing. "It wasn't even a real kiss anyway!"

Lavi smiled cunningly again. "Well, no matter. Yuu was intending to let you do it, wasn't he?" His voice sounded both amused and impressed. "You're really something, Allen. The Yuu I know wouldn't even let anyone get a mere meter near him. This must mean something."

"D-Don't say stupid things!" The younger boy looked at his friend with wide eyes, apparently taken aback from what he just heard. "Kanda would never... W-What are you even saying... I'm not..."

"Chill out, Allen. It's okay." Lavi chuckled, raising his hand to pat his friend on the head. "I get it. You're just so fun to tease sometimes."

* * *

Kanda was laying on his side, facing the wall. He went straight to bed the moment that idiot Moyashi left his room.

Goddamn, what an embarrassing situation. The dark-haired man was mad at himself for even letting something like that happen. Lavi's annoying attempts to butt into his life all the time aside, just what the hell was he thinking letting Walker do that? He should have said 'no' without blinking twice, maybe beat the living shit out of the other Exorcist for even asking him such a thing. Same went for Lavi.

And most of all, why in God's name was he even thinking about such stupid things in the first place? Who cared what others thought about him, Kanda didn't care. He never cared.

The man's eyes went open lazily, when he heard a soft knock on the door. He didn't even make an effort to move when someone entered the room shortly after.

"...You asleep?" Allen's silent voice broke the silence.

Right. Kanda should have known that he would come back.

"No." The dark-haired answered in a low tone.

The younger boy moved closer, and even though Kanda couldn't see him do so, he could feel the motion. The next moment, there was additional weight on the bed. "...Were you waiting for me?" Allen suddenly asked in a voice that sounded half-teasing and even half-seductive in the other's ears.

Kanda frowned even more; Walker was at it again. "For fuck's sake, stop that. I'm sick and tired of your perverted games. Go bother someone else if you're so interested."

Ouch. The younger Exorcist huddled for a short moment, realizing that the small commotion earlier obviously got under the other's skin. "Fine, have it your way." Allen shrugged, sounding resigned all of a sudden. "...Do you still want to continue where we left off?"

That idiot probably wouldn't let him be until he got what he wanted, would he? Even though Kanda failed to see the sense in this, he did promise to make things up to him somehow...

The dark-haired man let out a sigh, finally shifting to sit up. "Whatever."

Allen wasn't sure whether that was supposed to be a 'yes' or a 'no' until Kanda turned to look at him. Judging from the look on the other's face, the white-haired figured that the older man probably just wanted to get this over with as fast as possible.

_Well, here goes nothing again..._

Still a bit hesitant, the younger boy brought himself to move, making his way to Kanda's lap one more time. He had no idea why he felt like sitting there in the first place, but somehow he did.

The dark-haired man's face expression told him that he wasn't fond of the idea in the slightest, but surprisingly enough, there were no bigger objections this time.

And there they were, staring at eachother in silence, while Allen wondered if he should still say something or just get down to business already. Somehow the sole thought made him nervous all of a sudden. The way Kanda stared at him simply made his self-confidence go down the drain in a single instant.

"You really are hopeless." The older Exorcist commented suddenly, looking indifferent to the whole situation.

_Shut up._ Allen grimaced, bringing his face closer. It took another second before his expression softened, and he finally closed his eyes, pressing his lips to the other man's.

It was just an innocent touch. The white-haired started to make slow motions, brushing his lips gently against Kanda's. After a few seconds, however, he started to wonder whether he was doing something wrong, as there was no reaction from the other side.

Discouraged by the fact, he pulled away.

Kanda was simply staring at him with his usual frown, which was slowly starting to tick Allen off.

Embarrassed, the boy gave his partner an indignant look.

And then, after a short moment, the older man closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh, as if finally making his mind up about something. He reached for the other's collar, tugging him back close again.

Allen's eyes widened when he suddenly felt Kanda's tongue slide along his lower lip daringly. Taken aback by the unexpected gesture, the boy parted his lips almost immediately, granting the other more access. As the other's tounge brushed against his own, he let out a muffled growl, feeling how his cheeks started to warm up.

This was so much different from the time Road had kissed him... Maybe Kanda wasn't an expert in this − just like he himself wasn't − but the feeling itself was enough to make him forget about such details. It was... a bit awkward, maybe, but also kind of nice at the same time.

It didn't take long for the two to deepen the kiss, as the white-haired left himself open to the sensation completely.

And if there was one thing Allen should have been positive about, then he obviously ended up enjoying this much more then he ever should've had.

_Whoa... Wait a minute._

Weren't things getting a bit out of control around here?

The moment Allen came back to reality, Kanda was lying with his back pressed to the bed, and... to the boy's horror, he was on top of the other, their lips still caught together. He had no idea if Kanda simply lost his balance or if he did it intentionally, but the fact _was_ that they were lying on top of eachother. And Allen sure couldn't remember pushing the other down or anything.

"...Kanda?" The youger male asked as he pulled away, staring at his partner with slight uncertainty.

They were both flushed, and the moment Allen withdrew to sit on Kanda's hips, he wished he never did. Just then it occured to him that his blood managed to travel somewhere else beside his brain... and so did Kanda's, apparently.

"...Either we do this or get the hell out."

"W-What?!" Allen shrieked in disbelief.

"Are you trying to play dumb or are you really this stupid?" Kanda gritted his teeth, looking annoyed again, as the blush on his face intensified, too.

* * *

"So, you don't feel anything for Yuu?" Lavi asked curiously all of a sudden.

"_Lavi_..." Allen said the other's name in a low voice, as if he were offended by the question.

The red-head smirked at his friend, tugging him teasingly by the shoulder. "Come on, I'm serious."

The boy frowned in annoyance. "O-Of course not!"

"You sure? Nothing at all?" The other insisted.

"What the hell, Lavi." Allen grimaced. "He's a guy!"

"That didn't stop you from wanting to kiss him." The red-head pointed out bluntly.

"So? What are you implying?" Jokes aside, the younger boy turned serious all of a sudden. "Just... No. Never." He closed his eyes, turning the other way. "...Who would have feelings for such a cold-hearted jerk, anyway?"

"_Oh?_" Lavi raised an eyebrow. "That's not what you really think about him, is it?"

What the hell was up with this conversation? "...Well, maybe not." Allen admitted, looking annoyed. "But that still doesn't change the fact that I do _not_ like him."

"Well, okay... If you say so." Even though Lavi finally seemed to drop subject, he didn't sound very convinced. "Say, Allen..." He sarted again. "Can I ask you something personal?"

_Oh, joy._ "Didn't you do that just now?" The younger boy looked at his friend again, sighing in defeat. "...What is it?"

"Uh..." Lavi stopped to think for a moment. "Do you like anyone else, then?"

Allen blinked, not really expecting such a question. "Um..."

"Lenalee, for instance?" The red-head added shortly.

That, in turn, made the younger boy avert his gaze to the floor.

Well, it wasn't like the thought hasn't crossed his mind before, but... Somehow he never put much thought into it. Allen wasn't sure whether what he felt for Lenalee ever went beyond the borders of friendship.

"I don't know." He answered as honestly as he could. "She's... She's like a sister to me, I think."

Lavi seemed rather surprised. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, I guess." Allen looked at his friend. "...Why do you ask?"

"Ah, no reason. Just... curious." The other shrugged it off. "I always had the feeling... that you did feel something for her, somehow." _It's the way you look at her all the time..._

"Well, I am a bit overprotective of her, I guess..." Allen smiled. "But that also goes for everyone else, doesn't it? Even Kanda..." The boy trailed off, as he started to recall their clash with the Millenium Earl and the Noah in Edo.

Those were the times. He could still remember how happy he felt for being able to see everyone again. And how he and Kanda jumped to their throats the moment they saw eachother. He was simply glad to see nothing had changed during his absence. That was right before they ended up on the Ark. Still before...

"What about you, Lavi?" The white-haired asked suddenly. "You care for Lenalee, too, don't you?"

Lavi blinked, aparently taken aback by the question. Then an awkward smile appeared on his lips. "O-Of course I do."

Allen also blinked at the other in return. "Lavi...?"

What, did he say something wrong? "Huh?"

"You're blushing." The younger Exorcist stated bluntly.

"Ah?" The older man started to stroke the back of his head clumsily. "A-Am I now...?"

_Don't tell me..._ Allen's eyes widened, as he realized what this could be about. "Lavi, you..."

"W-What?" The red-head stammered in panic. "Don't get−"

"You idiot!" Allen raised his voice all of a sudden, shifting to get a closer look at his friend. "Don't tell me you've been holding back this whole time just because of me!"

Lavi went dumbfounded.

And so did Allen.

"Oh, man..." The red-head sighed, feeling awkward all of a sudden. "What a bummer."

"No kidding..." The younger boy stated more to himself. "Lavi, you actually have a crush on Le−na_mpfh_−" The other's hand stopped him from finishing that.

Lavi looked at him with a face expression that could be described as 'say one more word and I'll kill you'. Well, maybe not that literally, but still. "This, my dear friend, stays between us."

Allen pulled the other's hand away, as his gaze darkened and a slight smirk made it's way to his lips. "Same goes for the thing earlier."

The red-head smiled at the other boy in return. "I have _no idea _what you're talking about."

* * *

Allen was simply at a loss for words. Kanda was serious, wasn't he? But... God be damned, they shouldn't... No way, they really shouldn't...

"B-But..." Was all the white-haired boy managed to mutter out. Somehow his gaze fell to his hands, which were placed near Kanda's waist, and he couldn't stop himself from examining the other's features now.

What the hell, this was just wrong in so many ways...

Didn't Kanda hate him? Allen simply failed to understand the whole situation right now. What the hell was Kanda thinking? What were both of them thinking...?

Why the bloody hell did this immoral proposal sound so tempting all of a sudden?!

"I'm... still sore." Allen suddenly admitted, embarrased.

"Che. You idiot, I told you to recover properly first." Kanda spoke as if it was no big deal. "...Well, either way, I don't see a problem with it."

The boy frowned. "Well _excuse me_, but I do."

"Stupid, that's not what I meant!" The older Exorcist snapped; that idiot was just so dense sometimes. "Remember what I said a while back?"

Allen looked at his partner questioningly, as he started to recall their past conversation.

And then it hit him.

'_When you feel better... I'll let you have your way with me.'_

"You... can't be serious." The white-haired muttered out silently, as he felt a rush of blood in his cheeks again. _No way..._

The older male growled. "That was the deal, wasn't it?"

"B-But, Kanda... No." Allen swallowed nervously. Would the other seriously let him do that...? "No." He repeated. "I don't want to hurt you."

God, he didn't have patience for this. "And me hurting you was okay, wasn't it? Fucking hypocrite." Kanda spoke in a low tone. "Or are you a masochist?"

"Kanda...?" What the hell was up with him all of a sudden?

"Che. I'm not out of sugar, if you haven't noticed."

"But−"

_Somebody kill him... _"You whine like a girl, do you know that?"

Allen twitched. That jerk was trying to provoke him now, wasn't he? Well, if he was, he was doing one hell of a good job at it.

Kanda tensed as he suddenly felt the other's hand slide beneath his sleeveless turtleneck, just enough to reach his stomach, then stop motionless.

"You're going to regret it." Allen pointed out in a serious tone, as if wanting to give the other one last chance to reconsider. There was something predatory in his gaze all of a sudden.

"Speak for yourself."

Right, since when did Kanda listen to anyone?


	6. We're in this together now

**Warnings:** More serious Yullen talk, some AreKan action (though I still think this qualifies as Yullen, mentally-wise), a lemon.

* * *

**~Gone Forever~  
Chapter 06: We're in this together now**

**

* * *

**

Allen sighed. This was no use, was it? Once Kanda made his mind up about something, he wouldn't submit to anyone, no matter what happened. They would regret this, both of them, he just knew it − and yet, there was just something alluring in the whole situation, as awkward as it was. And even though he failed to understand the reasoning behind it and was outright confused... Somehow, he wasn't stopping himself either, was he?

The boy leaned closer, getting a better look at the man before him. The other's gaze was as sharp and flawless as ever; there was not a glimpse of hesitation in his stare. By now Allen knew that Kanda was really intent on this.

"Curiosity killed the cat, you know." He still couldn't help himself but comment, although he knew that the remark would be anything but a discouragement for the dark-haired Exorcist.

Allen's hand finally advanced further, pulling along on the tight fabric of Kanda's shirt, reavealing even more of his skin. The man didn't seem to be affected by either.

"Who was the cat, I wonder."

_Suit yourself..._

The next moment, Allen was tugging on the man's collar, looking in his eyes with an expression Kanda couldn't name, but he didn't take long to get the idea.

Shifting himself up, he enabled the boy to take his shirt off completely.

It wasn't the first time Allen saw him like this, but it _was_ the first time he paid any real attention to it. Well, in that kind of way, at least.

_Yeah, talk about being well-built..._ The boy thought to himself in slight admiration, as his gaze fell to the man's left side of the chest the moment the shirt was gone. Curiously, he observed the extensive black pattern that was staining the other's skin. It looked almost like a tatoo, but Allen already had reasons to believe it was anything but a normal one.

"Hey... It's gotten even bigger than it was on the Ark, hasn't it?" Was the immediate thought. "Mind finally telling me what it is?"

"Nothing you should be concerned about." Kanda answered angrily, giving the other a cold look. As if it was the wrong thing to ask.

Allen frowned, their gazes connected, and the boy figured it must have really been some sensitive subject if Kanda reacted that way whenever he asked about the mysterious mark on his chest. Saying that the thing didn't make him a bit worried would be a lie, but the boy knew well enough how it was like to have secrets that people around him would be better off without. He shouldn't really blame him. It wasn't like Kanda was the type who would talk about his personal matters in the first place.

And yet, he had no idea why, but the answer − or rather the lack thereof − made him outright disappointed.

"Fine." Allen pouted in resignation, trying to look irritated. Then he reached to the other's chest, pressing his fingers to the tatoo in a curious manner.

To the boy's surprise, Kanda twitched under the contact.

"Um..." The younger Exorcist blinked, slightly taken aback by the reaction. "Does it hurt?"

Kanda gritted his teeth in annoyance, not answering. Soon, he lifted his own hand and brought it to the white-haired's left cheek, pressing his thumb to the red scar under Allen's eye, tightly. Sliding his finger down, he travelled the whole way to the chin.

Not really affected by the gesture, the boy only stared at him, puzzled.

"Yours doesn't, apparently." Kanda stated bluntly.

"...Mine?" Allen asked, looking at his partner the whole time. It didn't take long for him to realize what Kanda might have meant by that. "It's a curse?"

No answer.

"Kanda?"

The dark-haired sighed, feeling that the subject would never drop if he didn't give a proper answer now. "...Somewhat."

Allen's eyes widened. Whoa, was Kanda for real? Who would have thought... Wait, so when they met for the first time, and he claimed he wouldn't shake hands with someone who's cursed, he... What the hell was that all about?

The boy wanted to ask, but he knew they would probably just start jumping down to their throats again if he did, so he decided to save it for later. The realization that he wasn't the only cursed Exorcist around was enough for now. That, and the knowledge of him and Kanda finally having something in common.

But he was still curious about the matter itself. "W-What does it do?"

Kanda let out an irritated growl. "Would you stop with the stupid questions already?"

Allen's eyes narrowed. He should have known better this wouldn't go the way he wanted it to. With Kanda, it never did. And maybe he would push the wrong buttons with this, but he wasn't intending to give up just yet.

It's not like he wanted to be mean, especially if it involved a weakness from Kanda's side, but if words weren't doing the trick, maybe something else would. And Allen sure as hell knew how to make things work to his advantage. Most of the time, at least.

And so, he pressed his fingers to the other man's chest even harder.

"Che!" Kanda hissed under the pressure, abruptly catching the boy's hand with his own. _Shit, it's gotten even more sensitive than it was... _"Stop that." He demanded.

"Not until you tell me." Allen started to struggle, trying to get his hand free.

"Shit, Moyashi." The dark-haired growled, irritated, not letting go. "You didn't come here to chit-chat with me, did you?"

"Shit, _baKanda_." The boy mimicked the other's speech, annoyance also getting the better of him. "Is it that hard to answer a simple question? You're so stiff the whole damn time, honestly."

"And you're so annoying!" The other backfired, then tried to shrug it off. "Why should you even care?"

"You're my comrade!" Allen replied as if it was the most obvious thing to say. "Why shouldn't I care?"

"You're really starting to piss me off!" Kanda raised his voice suddenly, his gaze darkening in a dangerous manner. The boy could only wonder whether he said something wrong? "Just drop the subject, will you."

Allen sighed in defeat, closing his eyes. This was really no use...

Seriousness was back in his features, as soon as he opened his eyes again. After a moment of silence, the boy pulled his hand from the black pattern away, trailing down to the other's waist. The cloth-belt went next, and by the time it was gone, Allen realized that the hardest parts were right before him.

In addition, the lack of reaction from Kanda's side wasn't making things any easier.

"...You really sure?" The boy whisperred suddenly; a complete change of attitude from his side.

And the question pulled the last straw.

Because Kanda simply lost it.

"No, I'm not sure!" He shouted suddenly, and before Allen knew it, he was the one pressed with his back against the bed, not the other way around. "Jesus Christ, what the hell is there to hesitate about so much?!"

Either he wanted to or not, what was there more to think about? Did he really need a reason? What, was the sprout worried about all that emotional crap? Did he even care? After what that idiot pulled through in the first place, Kanda really doubted that was the thing that was still stopping him right now.

_Don't you want your payback, you moron?!_

The boy didn't dare to move, dumbfounded from the sudden outburst, observing the pretty much infuriated Exorcist in silence. And as Kanda leaned closer, lifting his legs and pressing against him, Allen yelped, automatically placing both of his hands on top of his mouth, feeling the sudden rush of blood in his cheeks. As if that would prevent the dark-haired from noticing...

Here he was, suddenly feeling all fragile under the other man, staring at him wide-eyed, not knowing what to do. It almost reminded him of the thing earlier, only that Kanda was... theoretically uncounscious back then. Now he was well aware of what was happening, and of what he was doing.

For whatever reason, that thought alone made Allen nervous.

"It's not like it means anything." Kanda continued a bit more calmly now, still staring at him, apparently oblivious to anything that was currently going on in the white-haired's head.

'_Not like it means anything' my ass!_ Allen thought to himself in horror. _You have no idea what you're talking about, do you...?_

He also thought it wouldn't mean anything. That it was simply something he needed to do in order to help a comrade. That it was something he could easily deal with. That it was no big deal. That it was nothing.

And what did he end up with?

Restless nights, uneasy thoughts and a huge lack of apetite. Maybe he was an idiot for getting all emotional about it, but it was the truth. No matter how much he wanted to deny it, the thing that happened between him and Kanda the other day really got to him, and he didn't know what to do with it. He kept telling himself it didn't matter, but in reality he was just trying to fool himself, wasn't he?

One more look in those black orbs, and something went painfully wrong.

_Dear God, I... I'm not becoming attracted to him... A-Am I...?_

"O-Okay..." Shoving the sudden thought aside as fast as possible, the white-haired boy finally found the courage to react. He really needed to get ahold of himself. "Let me."

Kanda kept staring at him with his frowned expresion, as if the words never left his lips. Then he suddenly leaned forward.

"You know..." Allen shivered, as the older man whispered against his ear. "I think I've just changed my mind."

The younger Exorcist didn't need to contemplate on what Kanda could have meant by that, as he suddenly felt something wet and warm against his ear, along with a hand under his shirt, and−

"K-Kan..." Allen muttered shakily. He had no idea if the dark-haired was doing this simply to make him fight back, or if he was serious, but... He figured that he wouldn't mind, either way, and... _God, what the hell, I... _"S-Stop... I told you, I..."

"You what?" Kanda deadpanned, apparently trying to tease him.

The boy caught his breath, eyes widening in shock, as he felt the other man's hand slide under his pants daringly. And his mind went hazy all of a sudden...

"Ah..." A silent whimper escaped Allen's lips, as the older Exorcist continued with his intentions. _Oh, hell... Things can't go on like this..._

Mustering up the strength, the boy caught the other's hand in an attempt to stop it, and flipped them both over again. Kanda probably let him do so, otherwise it wouldn't go this easy. Now he was back where he originally was - cloudy eyes, ragged breathing and the huge blush on his face aside.

The dark-haired raised an eyebrow, giving a conteptuous look. "You sure seemed to have enjoyed that."

"S-Shut up..." The boy wheezed, annoyed. It really pissed the living shit out of him that Kanda could stay so calm like this while he was tearing his guts out to try and stay calm. Failing.

And if provoking him this way was so fun, then Kanda could suit himself. Allen wasn't going to ask anymore.

"Moyashi." The older man's sudden, dead-serious voice rung in his ears, making him stop in his attempt at getting rid of Kanda's pants. "...Just don't let this get to your head."

Allen didn't look at him, well aware what Kanda meant by those words.

He didn't want to get involved with anyone. It was just something physical, and the moment Allen showed any signs that things were going beyond that, it would be 'game over' for him. He knew that. Fuck, he knew...

_First you do that and now you tell me this? I honestly don't follow your logic... Don't you think it's a bit too late for that now, Kanda?_

"I know." The boy stated bluntly, trying to sound as obvious as possible, continuing where he left off.

Shit, he didn't care anymore. Not when he melted with Kanda's lips again, not when the man pulled on the ribbon around his neck and brought it loose, not when his shirt was suddenly left all unbuttoned. Not when lust was getting the better of him like this. Kanda's mouth was hot, his breath was so hot, and his neck was...

"Leave a mark and I'll kill you." The older Exorcist grunted dangerously, warning Allen before he got too carried away with his manifestations.

"_Hnn_." The white-haired purred in a teasing manner. "Scared someone might find out?"

_What the fuck... _There was that unnerving attitude of Walker's again, and Kanda was simply left dumbfounded whenever he heard remarks such as these, coming from the boy. It was as if the bastard had some kind of split personality − one he didn't know what he could expect from. "I'm warning you."

But Allen didn't take the threat to heart, apparently. Kanda cursed under his breath, as he felt the other's lips nip at his skin, and it was a matter of seconds before the he yanked the boy away, gripping tight the collar of the other's opened shirt.

A furious look met Allen's, before if fell to his (now exposed) neck. And the boy could swear he saw a glimpse of guilt in Kanda eyes, as he noticed the yet unrecovered bite-marks that were still there. He could really swear...

"Served you right, you ass." The older man remarked, although there was no real malice present in his voice.

_You're horrible... _Allen frowned, suddenly feeling angered and somehow saddened by the words. After all that he went through, he didn't even get a stupid 'thanks' for his efforts, no nothing. Kanda could at least try to be a bit more considerate of his intentions. "Yeah, you're welcome."

"Che." The man kept staring at him, as he pulled on the boy's shirt, getting rid of it as well. Then there was a moment of hesitation. "...What else did I do?"

But if Kanda was suddenly starting to try and show concern, he could spare himself the effort, really. Allen wasn't in the mood anymore. "Oh, _nothing_. Aside from fucking me senseless."

"Wha−" The man's eyes widened in disbelief. Not because of the information − which he was already aware of, anyway − but because of the remark itself. And the tone the Moyashi said it in.

"Why do you ask if you don't care, anyway?" Allen added, his words surprisingly calm. "...Are you this curious? So curious you'd want to do this with me?" His anger was doing a good job at making him hesitate less right now. And he should know better when enough was enough, but... "With that attitude of yours, Kanda, you'd never get laid if it weren't for this. I'm sure."

_Okay, that was a bit over the line... _The boy notted to himself mentally, expecting the worst.

"I'm going to fucking _kill_ you, I swear−"

"_AH!_"

Both stopped motionless in their actions when Allen let out a sudden yelp of surprise.

"Ah, I-I forgot..." The younger Exorcist's face expression changed to both shocked and uncertain suddenly, giving the impression as if what happened mere seconds ago never took place, and...

Kanda had really no idea what the fuck was going on anymore.

"What?" The dark-haired hissed angrily.

"The lubricant. Um..."

"...What?" Kanda repeated.

"Um, it's a kind of..." The boy started to stammer, blushing. "A lotion for... You know... Um..."

The other raised an eyebrow.

"It's..." Allen kicked himself mentally for getting embarrased by such a thing so easily. "You don't want to do this without it, believe me, okay?"

And maybe Kanda wasn't so clueless about it how the boy thought he was. "Shit, do I really look like I were out of sugar to you?"

"...Yeah, and blame it all on me later on." Why did he even bother...

"So what, you want to go get it now? Run around the Order half-naked?"

"..."

"..."

* * *

Allen swallowed. Maybe he was inexperienced when it came down to such things, but at least he knew the theory. And what other way was to learn it if not like this? He sure as hell wasn't going to freak out in front of Kanda now...

The man growled as the boy pressed his fingers to his lips.

"Suck on them a little..." Allen spoke silently, watching him the whole time. Although the dark-haired Exorcist didn't seem to be fond of the idea, he complied with it, not putting any effort in being gentle about it.

After a moment, the white-haired pulled his fingers away. "...I-I'll try to be careful."

And swallowing again, he leaned forward, bringing his face closer to Kanda's. Gently, he started to lick at his neck, then travelled down to his chest. His left hand took interest in one of his nipples, while his other shifted somewhere lower.

"I told you to leave that goddamn tatoo alo−" The dark-haired stopped and grimaced as soon as he felt a finger slip inside him. Allen could feel him tense up.

"R-Relax..." The boy demanded shakily, forcing himself not to stop, as he started to nip and suck at the nipple inches away from the inky pattern, at the same time moving his finger in and out, soon adding the second one.

Kanda grit his teeth and turned his head aside, enduring the sensation in silence as it went. He couldn't decide which felt more awkward − the upper part or the bottom − but even though Allen was trying not to strain the tatoo, the flesh close to it was unnaturally sensitive as well, and it simply hurt, which wasn't pleasant at all.

"Kanda...?" Allen's voice suddenly reached his ears, as he felt the boy pull away from his chest. The questioning ring to his name didn't leave the older man clueless to what the issue was.

"Che." The dark-haired let out a simple grunt, as he calmly closed his eyes, hoping that the idiot would get the idea.

Allen looked at him for a moment, then pulled his hand away, and not wasting his sweet time, he started to work on his own pants. It was a matter of seconds before both of them were left naked before eachother.

Kanda opened his eyes the moment he felt the other's breath against his face, and before he knew it, Allen was kissing him, passionately, their hot bodies pressed together, slowly rubbing against oneanother. He could feel how aroused the boy was, and given the circumstances, it was obvious that the feeling was mutual.

Without saying anything else, Allen lifted the dark-haired's legs, slightly spreading them apart, making Kanda tense again. Then the boy finally entered him − slowly but deeply − and even though it felt awkward as hell, and maybe hurt a bit more than he imagined it would, he made sure not to make any embarrassing sounds because of it. Hell no, he wasn't going to moan like some kind of stupid whore in front of Walker, never. God forbid. This was _nothing_.

As realization hit him, however, he was staring wide-eyed at the ceiling, holding his breath as if his life depended on it. And the damn Moyashi probably saw the startled expression on his face, because he wasn't kissing him anymore.

"S-See, I told you..." Allen breathed shakily, as he burried his face in the side of Kanda's neck, staying motionless.

"...Shut up." The man grunted in a slightly strained tone.

"K-Kanda... T-Try to... relax... _Ah_..." The younger Exorcist tried his best to speak, hot breath and moist lips brushing against the other's skin. "I-I won't be able to... to do this properly... if you don't..."

"Shut up." Kanda repeated, sounding more confident this time.

"I-I'm serious..." The boy breathed as he moved and thurst into him again.

_God, you're tight... _Hazy thoughts filled Allen's brain from the feeling. It was intoxicating, making his whole body tingle. _I don't want it to hurt you like it furt me, but... fuck..._

Before he knew it, he was moving at a slow but steady pace, breathing heavily. Kanda's breathing was also getting louder as seconds passed by, and Allen noticed just now that the other man had his head turned to the side, apparently not wanting for him to see his face.

"Kanda..." The boy supported himself against the bed with one hand as he brought the other to the dark-haired's face, wanting the other to look at him.

Kanda struggled at first, but soon gave in, leaving himself exposed in front of the younger Exorcist. He had his eyes closed and his pants were ragged, but what Allen was really surprised to see was the huge blush on the man's face.

"_Hn_..." A surpressed sound escaped the older Exorcist's lips all of a sudden, sending a shiver down Allen's spine.

"Ah... Kanda...?" _Yes, let me hear you... _Hesitation was long forgotten when Allen reached with his hand lower, wrapping his fingers around Kanda.

"Wha..." The older man opened his eyes, taking a short moment to look at the boy. The hazy and confused glimpse in his stare made Allen's heart want to melt. He's never seen Kanda look like that... "_Ah... Ghh..._"

By then the boy was aware of one thing.

He couldn't think straight anymore.

Whatever happened in the next few minutes was intense, passionate, hot, and... If somebody told Allen it could actually feel this good, he'd never believe it. Compared to the first time, this was...

The white-haired was the first to reach his limit, Kanda following shortly after, their minds going blank. None of the two apparently cared enough to suppres their moans as their bodies shuddered from the overwhelming feeling. The younger boy fell on top of the other, feeling as if all of his vitality was suddenly drained away from him.

And they stayed like that for a while, trying to even their breaths out, neither moving nor speaking.

* * *

"Satisfied?" Kanda suddenly spoke in a tone that Allen found far from caring or pleased, making him snap out of his sleepy state in an instant. Somehow he had the feeling he wouldn't like this, wherever it was going.  
"Now get out." The hiss came next, and Allen tensed upon hearing it, holding his breath.

"Hey! What's with you?!" The boy raised himself up, pulling away from the dark-haired man.

When he tried to look at him, Kanda pulled on the bed sheet and wrapped it around himself, turning backside in the direction of the wall. He made no effort to answer the question.

What the hell was this now! "Regretting it already?"

"I said _get out_." Kanda repeated, apparently not interested in a conversation.

"You told me I could do what I wanted." The white-haired boy recalled the other's earlier words matter-of-factly. "Now deal with the consequences. I'm staying."

He threw himself right next to Kanda, with his back turned to the man as well, pulling on the blanket in order to cover himself, too.

"Che." The older man grunted, but he didn't say or do anything else to protest.

The next couple of minutes passed in complete silence.

"...Why do you distance yourself from others all the time?" It was Allen's soft voice that suddenly broke the spell. "Like this...?"

"I could ask you the same question."

"Huh?" The remark made the boy turn his head in the other's direction, though all he could see was still the man's back.

"You've been acting weird ever since we returned from the Ark."

Now this... wasn't what Allen was ever expecting to hear.

"...What makes you think so?" He asked as if nothing, trying to play dumb.

"You think I'm blind?" Kanda's voice went a tone up. "You smile like an idiot around everyone, trying to give the impression that everything's fine. It's so fake it makes me want to vomit. I have no idea how Lenalee never noticed."

_Whoa, Kanda, talk about sudden talkactivity..._ "It's not..."

"Spare me the crap. Who are you trying to fool?"

What the hell, Allen couldn't believe this. Was Kanda actually observing him all the time or something? Were his openings really that obvious?

"Somehow you never smile when you're around me."

The boy stayed silent. Somehow he never thought about it before, but now that Kanda mentioned it... It was true. He couldn't recall to have ever kept his happy facade around the man.

Maybe he was convinced that Kanda wouldn't worry about him either way? Was he simply being himself whenever he was around Kanda, then?

"Not like it's any of my business." The man stated, seeming as he wasn't getting an answer anytime soon.

Allen stayed silent for a minute more, before he finally decided to speak. "Kanda, um..."

"Now shut up." The man shrugged it off. "I'm tired."

"I−"

"Shut up..."

The boy looked at the other for a while more before he lay himself back on the bed.

_Not your business, huh... _Well, Kanda would find out about it eventually. Allen knew it was a matter of time till the thing with the Fourteenth became known to the whole Order. He wasn't sure what any of it actually meant yet, but from what he experienced so far, he didn't like it one bit.

Maybe Kanda did have a point. Maybe he wasn't the same Allen Walker anymore. Too much shit has happened in the past couple of weeks for him to be the same ever again.

_The Fourteenth..._

Well, sleep was a good idea... He felt tired as well.

The question was, would he actually be able to fall asleep now...

* * *

**Nayru's Note:** I wanted to apologize for leaving you guys hanging for so long! All you wonderfull people still with me? D;

Simply put, something other than writing got the better of my time during the holidays, that's why I didn't bring myself to update for so long. Not to mention that this chapter wasn't easy for me to write... Hell, you can't even imagine...


	7. No time for lies

**Warnings:** Confusion, angst, a lot of blood, some Yullen interaction.

* * *

**~Gone Forever~  
Chapter 07: No time for lies**

**

* * *

**

It was already bright outside − that's what Allen came to realize the moment he opened his eyes. By the position of the Sun, he could assume it was early. Very early, in fact.

And when it occurred to him that neither the colored window glass nor the wall that he was currently staring at belonged to his room, everything came rushing back to him like wildfire. No, this wasn't his room, indeed...

The memory of yesterday suddenly made him feel awkward and embarrassed, and somehow Allen had a hard time believing everything that took place a couple of hours earlier actually happened.

His weird request, Lavi's interference, the kiss, and... More than anything else, he was surprised that Kanda actually let him...

He wasn't sure how it came down to it. At some point he just couldn't recall to have cared about the consequences, and simply... went with the flow. When lust got the better of him, nothing else seemed to have mattered.

Allen swallowed nervously. He couldn't even recall when he fell asleep.

After a moment, the boy finally shifted, trying his best in making as less noise as possible. When he turned around, however, he realized that the spot right next to him was empty. Kanda was nowhere to be seen, and the bed was apparently long cold where he'd supposed to be.

_Don't tell me... he went training at a time like this? _Was the immediate thought, though Allen wasn't convinced about the idea in the slightest. Something deep inside was telling him that he was actually the reason Kanda didn't want to stay in bed for too long. Not to mention that a busy day awaited both of them today, and he sure as hell couldn't picture Kanda taking his sweet time with training when the whole Order was still in need of moving as fast as possible.

An insecure sigh left the boy's lips. A sudden thought about staying and waiting for the dark-haired crossed his mind, but then he discarded the idea even faster than it came.

Not putting much more thought into it, Allen got up, collected his clothes and left the room not long after he was done dressing.

* * *

Did somebody mention something about the day being busy? Well, Allen had a feeling things wouldn't be easy, but he never thought it would be _this_ bad.

Miraculously getting a good deal of centimeters for his hair − he could deal with. Kanda and Lavi shrinking back to child-size, Bookman growing rabbit-ears and Lenalee starting to speak nothing but cat-language − they could somehow deal with.

An awkward zombie invasion, however, was a bit of a problem when it came down to it.

The only good thing during the commotion was probably the fact that Krory finally managed to wake up. Who cared that he was on rampage while at it. Details.

That was more or less the outcome of Komui's weird, better-off-forgotten experiments going loose. And if it weren't for Bak, Allen had no idea how the situation would have looked by now. Thank God everything turned out alright in the end. Well, in regards to the invasion, at least.

* * *

"Hey." Lavi took a seat right next to Allen in the cafeteria. It was already past usual breakfast time, so not many people were present there at the moment. "Why the gloomy atmosphere?"

He was refering to Allen's current relations with Kanda, obviously. Maybe it wasn't all that easy to tell that something was off between them, since they've never been on good terms to begin with, but then again, they did tend to argue a lot, and now Kanda was plainly ignoring him.

Which in turn made Allen angry and slightly confused.

"Don't ask me." The boy answered bluntly, maybe even a bit rudely, taking another bite of his sandwich as if nothing.

Lavi blinked, staying quiet for a few seconds. One didn't need to be a Bookman-apprentice to tell that Allen's mood was off. "...You went back to him yesterday, didn't you?"

The boy continued his meal, no waver. "...Yeah, I did."

_Then something must have happened..._ Lavi thought to himself, before exhaling loudly. "Gee, I'm really sorry for barging in like that..."

"Mm..." Allen only made a silent sound of disapproval, trying to note that it was okay. "Wasn't your fault."

Awkward silence fell between them, while the future Bookman was trying his best at thinking what to say next, uncertain about the whole situation. And maybe also a tad curious.

"Say, Allen..."

"Lavi, we..."

Both spoke almost at the same time, interrupting each other. When the red-head turned to look at his friend, Allen was staring down at his plate of food, motionless now.

There was sadness and uncertainty in his eyes. "We've slept with each other again."

Lavi blinked a few times again, obviously startled from the newly obtained information. "I don't know if I should be surprised or not, but... I am."

Now Allen was the one to sigh. "Yeah, I'm surprised myself..."

"Let me guess.... Kanda's ignoring you now because of it."

"That's not really a guess, is it?" The white-haired gave his friend a contemptuous look.

Lavi sweat-dropped. "Well, I won't say that I have huge experience in regards to such situations, but... Knowing Yuu, he's just as confused as you are, Allen."

The boy turned to look back at his food. "I'm not sure about that..."

"Oh, come on. Yuu might be all tough and mighty on the outside, but I'm sure he doesn't even know how to deal with people when it comes down to it."

Allen turned quiet for a moment. "Say, Lavi..."

"Yeah?"

"Um..." The white-haired hesitated for a moment. "No, never mind."

"_Aww_, come on!" Lavi flailed in front of the other. "If there's something bothering you, I'm always there to listen! Ask anything you want!"

* * *

"Ah, Lenalee!" Allen called his friend's name as soon as he recognized her figure, running along the corridor. "Do you have a minute?"

"Allen-kun." The female Exorcist stated and turned around in the boy's direction, observing how he approached her. "What is it?"

"Um... Would you give me a hand with my hair?" Allen pointed to the back of his head, obviously having the pony-tail in mind, while he stuck out a pair of scissors in front of Lenalee with his other hand. "Somehow I can't get used to it."

The girl accepted the item. "Um, are you sure?"

"...I guess."

"_Hmm_..." Lenalee brought her index finger to her chin in a thoughtful manner. "But wouldn't you like to wait with that decision a bit more?"

"Huh?" Allen looked at her questioningly.

"Well... I mean, all the other effects that influenced us disappeared on their own, didn't they? What if it's the same with the hair, only that it lasts longer?"

"Now that you mention it..."

"I'm not saying that has to be true, of course, but you never know. Especially when it comes to my brother's experiments."

Allen let out a small chuckle. "You do have a point..."

"What if I gave you a cut and then your hair would shrink back to it's original length?" Lenalee was the one that let out a laugh this time. "Wouldn't that leave you bold?"

The boy's face expression turned from startled to horrified in a matter of seconds. ...He didn't even want to imagine that. "Y-You're right! I'll leave them as they are!" Allen caught his head in panic.

The female Exorcist chuckled at her friend's reaction. "Besides..." She suddenly started with a more gentle tone. "I think you look nice with long hair."

"Ah... Really?" Allen calmed down immediately, bringing his hand to scratch at the back of his head. Vaguely, somewhere in the back of his mind, he wondered what Kanda might have thought regarding the matter. "Thanks."

Lenalee only smiled back at him, returning the scissors.

* * *

After a couple of hours, Lavi came back to the cafeteria. Allen was nowhere to be seen this time, but the place was more lively than it was last time. It didn't take him long to notice the presence of Lenalee. Surprisingly enough, she was sitting with Kanda by the same table.

"What's up?" The red-head approached the two with a plate of his own and joined them.

"Lavi! Hello!" Lenalee gave the new guest a warm smile. She was sipping on her tea, apparently already done with her food. Kanda was somewhere in the middle of his soba dish, eating quietly with his eyes closed, looking indifferent to everything that was going on − as always.

Lavi had a feeling that no actual conversation had taken place before his appearance.

"We're almost done with the packing. Just a few more things and we're ready to go." The female Exorcist exclaimed cheerfully.

"Yeah, I'm also glad that's over with. Panda-jiji's load of books was such a pain." The red-head agreed. "And it's nice to hear you speak normally again." Lavi added, chuckling.

"Tell me about it." Lenalee laughed as well. "You guys were a sight to behold yourselves."

"_Yeesh_, don't even mention it..." The Bookman-apprentice went all gloomy all of a sudden, remembering how he had to wear Bookman's clothes. Well, at least he wasn't the only one who had the opportunity to go through the experience...

"Poor Allen's still under the effect of the potion, though..." The girl added suddenly, turning a tad more serious. "Thankfully, it's not anything harmful."

Lavi looked discreetly at Kanda the moment Lenalee mentioned Allen, curious if the name would bring up any kind of reaction from the dark-haired man. It wasn't really surprising that he did not get to see any.

"Yeah, but he had the most luck out of all of us, anyway, if you ask me." The red-head complained half-heartedly.

"True." The female Exorcist chuckled again.

And for a short moment the conversation had died.

"Speaking of Allen..." Lenalee brought the topic up again, sounding somewhat uncertain all of a sudden. "Don't you think there's something off with him lately?" She asked calmly, looking at the almost empty cup of tea she was holding in her hands. "I mean... I know he probably feels down because of the attack earlier, but... I feel as if he's hiding something from us."

_You can't imagine... _Was Lavi's immediate thought, and for once he didn't know if Lenalee noticing anything was a good thing or not. The whole issue with Kanda was one thing, true, but the future Bookman noticed way before that something else was bothering Allen as well. He wasn't sure what it was, but he didn't want to push things, especially after seeing how much the boy tried to hide it.

"Now that you mention it..." Lavi tried his best in giving the impression as if he didn't know a thing regarding the matter.

"Didn't you notice anything, Kanda?" Lenalee asked the other man curiously, surprising Lavi at the same time.

"I don't care." The dark-haired remarked rudely and stood up as if nothing, apparently having finished his meal, seeming irritated just from having to hear this whole conversation. The girl just stared at him in silence as he did so.

Lavi frowned at him. Kanda could at least try to be a bit more considerate of Lenalee, of all people. He acted as if he woke up by the wrong side of the bed every day, seriously. "You know, that's−"

"Everyone!" A sudden yell cut the red-head off.

Komui rushed into the cafeteria, catching the attention of all the people that were present there at the moment. He seemed serious.

"Nii-san?" Lenalee spoke uncertainly, awaiting an answer just like everyone else.

"It's an emergency! We need to evacuate!" The man yelled, trying to catch his breath. "We're under attack!"

"W-What?" A commotion broke out.

"Everyone, please listen!" Komui tried to calm the situation down. "We still haven't repaired the golems or communicators, so it will be difficult to notify everyone of the evacuation order! I ask of you to split up and look for anyone that might still be unaware of the situation!"

"Oh, boy..." Was all that Lavi managed to mutter out.

"We'll all meet at the Ark's Gate in ten minutes! Just please watch out for yourselves!"

* * *

Not even a whole five minutes have passed and a good deal of the Order's population − or rather, what was still left of it by now − was already present at the Gate. Komui gave the order of retreating to the Asian Branch as soon as one was ready, figuring that it was pointless to endanger both the Finders and Exorcists any longer.

Normally he would tell the Finders to retreat immediately and ask only the Exorcists to participate in the retrieval attempt, but even though he mentioned that the Order was under attack, he didn't give any details yet. The situation was different than last time − surprisingly enough, there were no Akuma involved. And the attack was mainly concentrated on Central, so...

"Nii-san!" Lenalee appeared beside her brother, apparently done with her share of searching. "Is everyone alright?"

"Yes, no wounded so far." Komui declared, counting people as they entered the Gate. Miranda, Bookman and Lavi were still waiting by the entrance, apparently on guard. "Together with you guys, I think everyone's gathered."

The female Exorcist looked around nervously. "Um... Where's Allen-kun?"

"Komui!" Kanda was the one to approach the supervisor this time. "The lotus!"

Although the dark-haired man caught both Lenalee's and her brother's attention, she didn't know what Kanda could have meant by that.

Komui just nodded in response, as if understanding the situation perfectly. "Just hurry."

The supervisor knew that of all the things, that was something Kanda really shouldn't leave this place without. Too bad they didn't think about it earlier.

* * *

Kanda rushed back in the direction of his room. Shit, if he knew this would happen, he'd think about moving the lotus sooner. But no, he just had to keep that damned flower where he could see it the whole time. Just because he wouldn't be able to rest properly if he didn't. Goddamn it all.

A sudden pressure on his shoulder made Kanda come back to reality.

"Hold on tight."

The voice belonged to Lenalee. She had her Innocence activated and raised into the air as soon as she was convinced that Kanda wouldn't fall out of her grasp.

Things would definitely go faster this way, she figured. And seeing that the dark-haired still needed to turn back and get something, lending him a hand was only natural. Even if Kanda wasn't fond of accepting help from others, he didn't have the time to complain right now, did he?

"Did you see Allen-kun anywhere?" The female Exorcist asked in a serious tone.

"I haven't." Came the immediate answer. "Hasn't he gone through the Gate yet?"

"...No." Lenalee sounded worried, but then determination was written all over her face. "Where do you want me to take you? I'm going to look for him."

Kanda didn't say anything for a moment, as if thinking about something.

"My room."

* * *

"Nii-san!"

Lenalee's voice caught Komui's attention immediately, as he rushed to her side at the speed of light. "Lenalee! Don't do that ever again! I was worried sick! How could you rush off without a word like that and−"

"Nii-san, please..." The female Exorcist smiled at him, but the smile was forced, and she seemed slightly irritated. They didn't have time for this nonsense. "This..." She changed the topic, refering to the item she was holding in her hands. "Kanda asked me to bring it to you." It was the hourglass.

"Ah, you have it..." Komui turned all serious again, looking at the imprisoned lotus flower. "And Kanda?"

"He said he'll go look for Allen-kun..." Lenalee explained, sounding worried. "I should go join him."

"No, you mustn't!" Komui shouted as soon as he understood his sister's intentions, but the girl didn't seem to listen, as she turned back in the direction she just came from. Activating her Innocence, she was ready to−

"Don't." Lenalee had no idea when her friend moved from his previous spot, but all of a sudden Lavi was standing in her way. "He'll find him − don't worry. We should stay here and wait for them instead of increasing the number of people to look for."

"Lavi..." The girl stared at the other, seriousness in her eyes.

Though Lenalee failed to understand why, the weird calmness the red-head said all that in had a big impact on her. There was just something convincing in those words, or rather behind them − something that assured her that her friend was right.

"I'm not leaving without them." The female Exorcist declared after a moment, deactivating her Innocence.

"That's the plan." Lavi only smiled at her, glad that Lenalee wasn't as stubborn as she tended to be.

* * *

Walker's room − it was only logical to look there first. Kanda stormed inside without warning, not caring about the other's privacy or whatnot - this wasn't the time to worry about such trivial matters. They needed to move - and they needed to move _fast_.

To his dissatisfaction, the room seemed to be empty.

_Damn you, Moyashi... Where did you run off to at a time like this?_ Cursing under his breath, Kanda turned to leave, wondering where to look for his target next of all places.

A loud sound of something breaking, followed by glass scattering across the floor made him stop in his tracks, however. It was a matter of seconds before Kanda rushed into the bathroom that was connected to the room, since apparently that was the direction of the sound's source.

What the dark-haired man had the opportunity to see inside, however, was far from anything he expected to experience.

Well, he did find Allen, at least.

"What happened?" The voice left him a bit too concerned for his own liking, but he knew that wasn't the thing he should be worried about right now. If the sight of a broken mirror, blood-smeared sink and floor wasn't horrifying enough, the tear-strained face of the boy sitting there with his back pressed against the wall was enough to convince him.

Allen turned to look at him as soon as he heard the other's voice, seeming to be totally dumfounded from Kanda's sudden arrival.

"K-Kanda...? What..." He tried to speak, but he had a hard time trying, his voice coming out all shaky and raspy. "W-What are you doing here?"

"That's my line." The older man started to approach the other, both anger and worry written all over his face.

Was this his fault? Was it because of him? Kanda couldn't help but wonder whether he was somehow part of the reason Allen was in such a state right now. Fuck, he knew he was being a jerk, but... He wasn't acting cold in the past few days without a reason.

This, however... Was Walker really this weak?

"I-I..." Allen turned away from the man as soon as Kanda kneeled beside him, trying to hide his face, feeling stupid and embarrassed for even letting anyone see him in such an abominable state − let alone the dark-haired.

But no matter how hard he tried, the tears just wouldn't stop. And the biggest problem was that Allen was utterly clueless about the reason... He didn't even know why he was crying. He had no idea what was wrong with him all of a sudden.

One minute everything was okay, and the other, the sudden feeling of sadness overwhelmed him and everything went to shit. It fucking hurt so much that he couldn't put his own thoughts straight. The grief was eating his insides alive.

Somehow it felt similar to the pain he went through when Mana died...

And if things weren't bad enough, his hand suddenly... And the shadow in the mirror...

"Show me that." Kanda demanded, taking Allen's right hand in his, noticing just now that the boy was shaking all over. The wound on his palm didn't seem to be very deep, but it did bleed like a motherfucker, and most definitely was in need of being taken care of.

_Couldn't you at least do that with your other hand? _The man thought to himself in annoyance. If Moyashi was that eager to break mirrors with his bare hands then he sure as hell could do it in a way that wouldn't be of any harm to himself.

"Get up." Allen yelped as the other man pulled him up, bringing the boy's hand to the sink. The white-haired let out a pained hiss when Kanda let the water running, trying to get the wound cleaned.

"N-No− Leave that!" Allen started to struggle all of a sudden, trying to pull his hand back as if his life depended on it.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Kanda hissed, annoyed from the other's behavior. He was trying to help him, didn't that idiot get it? For God's sake, the things he needed to go through sometimes... Now all he was helping anyone with, was getting both of them all bloody and wet.

"P-Please..." The word left Allen's lips in such a cracking tone that it made Kanda stop with his attempts immediately. Oh hell, things were serious here...

_I don't want you to see that... Please..._ Shaking, the boy fell to his knees, his right hand still in the other man's grasp. Kanda only stared at Allen in silence, apparently thinking what in heaven's sake to do with him now.

"K-Kanda... These... These t-tears..." Allen sobbed, trying his best to speak.

"Listen." The older man spoke in a surprisingly calm tone all of a sudden, kneeling beside the boy again.

The sound of ripping fabric reached Allen's ears shortly before he felt a cloth being wrapped around his hand.

"The Order's under attack and we need to get out of here as soon as possible." With one rough move, he finished binding the part of his ripped shirt around the boy's palm. Maybe it wasn't the best first-aid equipment on Earth, but it had to suffice for now. "So stop your whining and get a hold of yourself. We don't have time for this."

Allen sobbed again, bringing his left hand to his face, rubbing his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt shakily. "These tears... This sadness... It isn't mine... I... I don't know what this is... W-What the hell's wrong with me... I..."

"You're not making any sense." Kanda caught Allen by the shoulders, shaking him slightly. "Did you even understand what I said?"

"I'm not... the one who's crying. I..." He kept murmuring.

"Moyashi."

"I just..."

"..._Walker!_"

The boy went silent at the yell, his gaze glued to the floor the whole time. He just couldn't look Kanda in the eyes, not when he was like this... Not when he was so confused and scared and weak before the other man. ...Not when Kanda didn't understand.

"Five minutes..." Allen suddenly spoke, his voice coming out in a loud whisper. "Just give me five minutes..."

"The Enemy won't wait for us!" Kanda growled in annoyance.

"Just..."

"Stop it!"

The boy clenched his fist on the other's shirt tightly. Then there was a short pause, as Allen tried his best to calm down. "I don't want them to see me like this... Please..."

Kanda stared at him for a moment, not saying anything anymore. He really didn't get any of Allen's current behavior, but...

_God has abandoned me, honestly..._

"Three. And not a second longer." He pulled away from the other's grasp and stood up, turning in the direction of the entrance. "I swear I'm going to kick your ass for this later."

Allen almost felt like smiling. Almost.

* * *

The moment Kanda left the bathroom, he leaned against the nearest wall, sighing deeply. Shit, this had to be some kind of joke. What the hell was up with Walker all of a sudden? Well, he's seen him cry before − on their first mission, even, if he recalled correctly, when that lifeless doll fell into Allen's hands − but that time compared to this was Heaven compared to Hell.

It was the first time he's seen the younger Exorcist this torn and fragile.

What the hell gave him the stupid idea to leave the hourglass in Lenalee's hands and go looking for Walker himself? He shouldn't have cared. He didn't care. What was he doing here, for fuck's sake−

"_Ghaaa_...!" The sudden yell full of agony made Kanda snap out of his thoughts immediately, startling him on spot. For a moment he wanted to rush back into the bathroom and see if everything was alright − what the hell was wrong now − but he hesitated.

When the next shout of despair reached the man's ears, Kanda took of for the exit of the room without blinking twice. Allen screaming at the top of his lungs wasn't exactly something he would have fun listening to.

He didn't want to hear this.

* * *

A bit more than two minutes have passed when Allen rushed out of the room, passing by Kanda as if nothing. As the dark-haired noticed the other, he reached to grab him by the wrist instinctively. "Oi."

Allen seemed startled as he stopped and looked at him. "A-Ah... You're still here? I thought you left..."

"I gave you three minutes, didn't I? I keep my words." Kanda stared at the boy without blinking. Well, he seemed to be a bit more composed now, though his eyes were all red and puffy − from the crying, obviously. And that one tear that still trailed down his cheek wasn't making the picture any more pretty. "...You look horrible."

Allen just gave him a weak smile. "No time to worry about that now, is there?" His voice was hoarse.

The dark-haired didn't budge. "…Mind telling me what that whole fuss was about?"

"I'd tell you if I knew myself. Honest. Right now..." Allen wiped his face with his other hand hastily. "We'll talk about this later, okay?"

* * *

"What's taking them so long..." Lenalee whispered under her nose, tightening her grip on the hourglass that she was holding in her hands, though she was very careful not to damage it in any way.

"Well, speak of the devil." Lavi exclaimed happily as he stood up.

Allen and Kanda were finally there.

Lenalee blinked at her white-haired friend in confusion when he approached her. So did Lavi. That Allen didn't look too good was an understatement...

"Allen-kun? What hap−"

"Weeell, now that everyone's finally gathered," Komui suddenly interrupted with his loud tone. "Let us be going! We've wasted enough time as it is."

"Yeah, sorry to keep you waiting." Allen exclaimed, giving one of his genuine smiles.

"To the gate, to the gate." Komui grabbed his dear sister and the red-head by the shoulders and started to push them in said direction, brushing against the youngest Exorcist in the process.

"But Nii-san..."

"Geez, Komui..."

Kanda just gave his usual "che" and followed the three as if it were the most natural thing to do.

"I'm right behind you." Allen spoke in a reassuring tone, though his actions weren't matching his words at all. He just stood there with a smile on his face, as he watched everyone enter and disappear at the Ark's Gate.

_'Don't follow us under any circumstances._  
_The Cental wants to have you locked._  
_I'll try to contact you.'_

Allen folded the scrap of paper in his hand.

He knew exactly what this meant.

His time was up. He couldn't stay by everyone's side anymore. He couldn't return to his 'home' anymore. He had no idea what would await him now or in the near future, but one thing he was sure of − the life he had led as an Exorcist till now was _gone forever_.

_Well... I guess this is goodbye._

_At least for now._

_

* * *

_

**Nayru's Note:** Yes, I know... I so suck at updating this story that it's not even funny anymore. I apologize. I guess this could be considered a Christmas gift for all the Yullen fans that haven't forgotten about this messed up story yet. So yeah, Merry Yullen Christmas everyone!

Regarding this chapter − at least one thing might be a bit confusing when it comes to the plot here, but I promise there will be answers later on. I've been putting much thought into the whole plot and I hope it won't have many flaws compared to canon − at least when it comes to the 14th. But yes, most of these are just my own speculations, and I'm trying to make things work in the direction I want them to.

There's a small time-skip in this chapter, where the whole zombie invasion takes place in canon, just because I still wanted to include the occurrence itself in this story (I want the characters to have the memory of it happening). It's only shortly mentioned, since I didn't want to re-write the whole issue when it's all been presented in the manga.

Another thing is the issue of bathrooms inside the Order. I know that canon-wise there are no individual bathrooms connected to the rooms. However, because I wanted to make things more convenient for this story, everyone has a bathroom connected to their room here.


	8. Unexpected encounter times two

**Warnings: **Angst and blood.

* * *

**~Gone Forever~  
Chapter 08: Unexpected encounter times two**

**

* * *

**

With Komui's discrete help, getting out of the Headquarters unnoticed was even less than a piece of cake. And doing it through the Ark was obviously leaving Allen in a bigger advantage than it would leave anyone else but him. Even though he felt bad about not saying goodbye to his friends properly − or saying goodbye at all, for that matter − he knew he couldn't really afford himself the luxury at the time. Well, it wasn't like he'd never see them ever again... right?

The actual problem arose after he was out: what next? Allen was completely alone and by himself again. He wouldn't get any official support from the Order as things stood, and getting in contact with Komui would probably be a task to behold after what happened. Not to mention it would take time − and most likely lots of it.

So where could he go now?

It wasn't long before a particular place flashed through his mind.

Britain. London. That was the place where he took off to right after his Master knocked him out with a hammer and disappeared, leaving him with nothing more than a painful bump on his head and a small golden golem by his side. He was in India at the time, and it took him over two months to travel from there to Britain back then.

Right now, however, he could get there in maybe a little more than a blink of an eye, with the help of the Ark. And for free at that, which was reassuring, to say the least.

He wished Timcanpy was with him, like he was back then, too, though.

* * *

Taking his sense of direction into consideration, it took Allen a while to figure out which doors of the Ark led where to exactly, but somehow he managed to find the path he was looking for in the end.

He wasn't sure how the Ark worked completely yet, leaving him uncertain if he would even be able to come back once he left it. Then again there was only one way to find out what limits his abilities had. Even if the gates closed behind him, giving him a free ride to London was more than enough for a start. He'd worry about what to do next once he was there.

* * *

The day was lazily coming to an end when he appeared at his destination. The sky was red from the setting Sun, leaving the buildings of the city glimmer in a gold and scarlet shade. The whole place was quiet, with just a handful of people on the streets, making the boy feel surprisingly relaxed and calm.

The place was almost the same as he remembered it. Well, it wasn't like it's been ages since the last time he's been here. It's been even less than a year, actually.

A sad smile appeared on Allen's lips. Yes, this was where he learned of the Black Order's location, while he was still looking for it. Wasn't it ironic?

Pushing the melancholic thoughts away, the boy took off for the place he wanted to go to. Night would fall soon, leaving the air even colder than it already was, and he still had a way to go.

* * *

By the time he reached the church, it was nighttime. Allen glanced over the nearby cemetery, remembering some past events that took place here some time ago. It was a little disappointing that Barba was nowhere to be seen this time. Encountering the big man always left the boy with a smile on his face, even if the whole outcome was... painful sometimes.

He wondered how Mother was doing. He hoped his late visit wouldn't be of too much trouble for her. Well, it wasn't all that late anyway, surely she wouldn't be asleep yet?

Vaguely, he remembered her rough attitude, and how he, Mother, Barba and his Master used to play poker all the time − all four of them. It was mainly for the rehabilitation of his left hand, as they said, but obviously that wasn't the only thing Allen was left with in the end. This was where he gained most of his experience when it came to gambling and cheating, and even though it was far from an easy and pleasurable task, he was thankful he went through all of it at the time.

Even though he mastered his skills greatly, somehow he never managed to fool Mother's sharp eyes whenever they played.

Lifting his hand, Allen inhaled deeply before he knocked on the big wooden doors that were at the further side of the church. He hoped Mother was really inside, otherwise he had no idea where else he would go.

"It's open." He heard an immediate response from the other side, though he could tell that the voice didn't belong to a woman, and surely not to Mother.

That was...

Allen's eyes widened as he realized to whom the voice belonged to. He reached for the handle and opened the door without hesitation.

Soon, his suspicions were confirmed.

"Took you long enough." The figure didn't even turn to look at the boy as it spoke.

The person was sitting on a chair near a small table inside of the room. The place was very dim, with only a few lit candles as its source of light, but it was more than enough for Allen to recognize the one who was inside. There was an ash-tray full of spent cigarettes and a glass and a bottle of whine that accompanied him.

"...Master." Allen muttered out, not moving from the doorframe. Saying that he was bewildered would be a misunderstanding. He's been so pissed at Cross when he ran away from the Order without telling him a word like that... He was so angry with him for making things all the more worse when they've looked bad enough already. And now...

He'd never think he'd ever feel this happy to see the read-headed general again.

"How did you know I would come here?" The white-haired boy asked, as he silently closed the door behind him, finally advancing closer to the other man.

"Where else would you go, idiot apprentice?" The general responded with a bit of sarcasm.

"Well... I don't know." Allen stopped to think for a moment. "Alright, maybe you do have a point." He sighed. "...Is Mother here?"

"She passed away." Cross answered without hesitation, though his voice had a more quiet ring to it. He still didn't budge.

"...Oh." The white-haired boy's faint smile disappeared immediately. Then sadness overwhelmed him, as his gaze traveled to the floor. "...I see."

After a moment of silence, the general finally shifted in his position, turning to look at Allen properly. "Well, it's not like she was the youngest human being on Earth, you know. There's a time for everyone, and I'm sure she lived her life to the fullest." Marian started in a surprisingly reassuring tone, as he reached with his hand to the boy, placing it on top of his head gently. "So don't worry about it. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to mourn over her death."

Allen stared at his master in silence, as the other patted his head reassuringly. It didn't take long before a faint smile appeared on the boy's lips again.

"Er... What the hell happened to your hair?" Cross lifted an eyebrow, tugging on Allen's ponytail the moment he noticed it under his fingers.

"Ah, don't ask..." The boy rolled his eyes. "Komui had too much free time on his hands, apparently."

The red-head only smirked, as if getting the idea.

"Well, kid. Sit down, why don't you." Cross pulled his hand away. Then he reached for a cigarette, igniting it with ease. „You want some answers from me, am I right?"

* * *

Allen let out a deep sigh as he curled up under the sheets.

* * *

"Hmm? Oh, you little devil..." General Cross spoke in a voice that suddenly sent a cold shiver down Allen's spine.

"Huh?" The boy looked at his master questioningly, uncertain what the sudden remark was supposed to be about. And the read-head's cocky face expression didn't seem to reassure him at all.

"Did you finally get laid?" Marian smirked darkly, rising one of his eyebrows. "My, my, Allen's grown up so much. He's become a real man now."

"W-_What?_" The boy shrieked in confusion. Did he just hear right? Was his Master insane? Wait... how could he even tell such a thing in the first place? Was he just playing dumb? Even so, Allen couldn't stop himself from blushing as the topic arose.

"Aww, there's nothing to be embarrassed about." The General laughed out loud at his apprentice's reaction. "So who was it? Did you finally make your move with Lenalee? Komui's going to kill you, you know..."

"M-Master..." Allen stammered awkwardly.

"But I understand you. Such a woman's well worth the risk, isn't she? I'd go for her myself if it weren't−"

"Master!" The boy was yelling by now.

"Hmm? What?" Cross calmed down, looking at his apprentice with half lidded eyes and a pout on his face. "So it wasn't her?"

"No, it wasn't Lenalee, and − for God's sake − would you stop with it already!" The white-haired Exorcist remarked angrily. Then he tensed, as realization hit him. "Ah..."

"Alright, that answered half of my question." Marian took a long drag from his cigarette. "You should really work on your lying capabilities, Allen. You've gotten rusty."

The boy started to throw daggers at his Master. "You didn't come here to talk about my virginity with me, did you?" His voice was anything but amused. Then he sighed and looked away, supporting his head with his hand on the table.

A moment of silence passed.

"It was that Kanda Yuu fellow, wasn't it?" Cross spoke all of a sudden, making Allen turn his gaze back to him once again.

The boy seemed angry. "Did Komui tell you?"

"No, I didn't get a chance to talk to him after our small meeting back at the Order." The red-head replied calmly. "I just noticed that you stayed behind after the conference was over, which already gave me a slight idea... And now," The general pointed his finger in Allen's direction. "Those marks on your neck speak for themselves, really."

Walker slammed one of his hands into his neck immediately, as if wanting to hide whatever his Master was pointing to. Shit, he'd forgotten about those completely... Well, it wasn't like hiding them _now_ would do much of a difference, anyway...

"Honestly, Allen, think about yourself more, or you'll really get killed in place of your comrades someday."

"Can we change the topic?"

* * *

"Master." The young Exorcist's gaze fell to the floor, as he caught the general by one of his long sleeves. The man stopped in his tracks, turning his attention back to the boy. "...Could I stay with you?" The words were silent, as if almost a shy whisper.

There was silence for a moment, and Allen could only feel how disappointment invaded him. Right, he should have known from the beginning.

"...I'm sorry." Cross spoke with apparent regret in his voice. "There's still something that I need to do."

Suddenly everything went black.

* * *

When Allen came to, he was lying in a big warm bed in a room he didn't recognize. There was a small table beside him, and a bigger one in the opposite corner, with two armchairs next to it. And a wardrobe. Was he in some kind of hotel room?

As the boy shifted lazily and sat up, he noticed two things.

For a first, his head hurt immensely. And second... There was something moving inside of his shirt?

"_Wah!_" He shrieked in surprise, but soon found himself laughing from the movement, as it started to tickle. A moment more, and the infiltrator finally managed to find its way out of the white fabric and raised right in front of Allen's face, flapping its golden wings clumsily.

"Timcanpy!" The white-haired called the small golem's name happily. He was really glad and relieved to see it. "It's been a while, hasn't it? ...Did you get bigger again?" The boy raised his hand to touch the golden creature, but surprisingly the movement also brought a ruffled sound. Was there still something else inside of his shirt beside Timcanpy?

Allen took the messy piece of paper out and unfolded it.

It was a letter from Cross.

* * *

"_Mana... had some connection with the 'Fourteenth,' didn't he?"_

"_Yes. The Fourteenth had an older brother. There was only one person who was with the Fourteenth up until the moment he betrayed the Millenium Earl and was killed. And that was Mana Walker."_

"_Brothers... Mana and the Fourteenth. You... knew about this all along...?"_

"_I did. When the Fourteenth died, I promised him I'd watch over Mana. If I did, he'd come back to Mana someday. You promised me that, Allen. Or should I say... The Fourteenth?"_

_

* * *

_

"Dear Allen," The boy read the first two words lazily. _Yeah, Dear Allen my ass..._ "I've booked you in this hotel for three days. Get a decent rest." He continued reading the contents of the letter out loud. "Also, don't stay in one place for too long. We'll meet again when the time comes." _Right. I really should have known._ Allen sighed. Did his Master always have to be this way? Honestly... "PS. Tim has a parting gift from Mother for you. It's not much, but I'm sure it'll be of some help."

The Exorcist turned his gaze to the golem that still flapped its wings in front of him. Then it opened its mouth, spitting out the mentioned item.

It was a pouch. Filled with what Allen guessed was money.

True. He wasn't at the Order anymore. He was back to the streets, where both shelter and food weren't for free, so naturally, he needed something he could pay with.

_Three weeks... or a month, maybe. _That's how long he would probably go on with this.

* * *

"_He probably hasn't fully awakened, but you've started feeling the Fourteenth within you, haven't you, Allen?"_

"_Huh? What are you talking−"_

"_Don't play dumb. You knew the player's song. That's his memories. You had the Fourteenth's 'memories' implanted in you. You're necessary for his revival."_

_

* * *

_

When all came down to all, Allen ended up traveling from one place to another, staying in different hotels for no longer than a few days, just like his Master advised him to.

He had an idea what the whole picture was about. The Order was probably looking for him by now, he was aware of it. And even if not the Order, there was also the possibility that the Noah did.

Though getting paranoid wouldn't get him anywhere now, would it?

Allen was a tad clueless what to actually do at first; what his actual objective should be. He thought that now, when he understood things more, his life would change.

In the end, he realized that nothing has really changed.

He was still himself. He was still an Exorcist. Even if it meant that something − or someone − else lurked somewhere inside of him, Allen was still Allen. Despite that he had doubts about Mana because of what he supposedly did, he still loved him and he did promise him to keep on walking no matter what. He intended to keep that promise.

* * *

"_What would you do... If I told you you'll have to kill someone... you love... when you become the Fourteenth...?"_

_

* * *

_

So Allen kept on doing what he thought was right. If he was lost of what to do next and where to go next, answers would come on their own eventually. It was all a matter of time. He needed to wait for either Komui or Cross to get in touch with him, he figured.

And since Allen hated sitting down and doing nothing while waiting, he decided to do the obvious thing while at it. He started to look for and hunt down Akuma.

It was his duty as an Exorcist, after all. So much hasn't and would never change.

* * *

"_W-What..." The white-haired stammered in disbelief, as Cross pressed the boy's head to his chest even harder. He couldn't believe what he had just heard, all of what he heard. He didn't want this, any of this. Mana couldn't have done this to him..._

_

* * *

_

It's already been more than two weeks since he left the Order on his own. Besides meeting with his Master right after the event, nothing of much importance has happened since then.

"Waaa, I'm beat..." The white haired boy fell limp on top of the considerably big bed as soon as he entered the room.

Another unfamiliar four-wall place in another city he's never been to before. He wondered for how long this would keep up.

He came across a few Akuma while traveling, but that was just about it. No Komui, no Cross... None of his friends, no nothing. Allen was really thankful that at least Tim was by his side. It would be really lonely without him.

Then again, it was still kind of lonely, nevertheless...

"Ne, Tim. You think everyone's doing fine?" Allen asked the small golem lazily, rolling over on his back. "Yeah, sorry I'm asking you weird stuff again." He gave a slight smile.

The golden orb flew and settled right next to its Master and just stayed quiet, as it couldn't speak, unfortunately.

"It's just that I'm worried about them... I guess." The boy continued as if nothing. "...Or maybe I just miss them so much."

Allen opened his eyes and started staring at the ceiling. Then he stretched his right hand upwards in front of him, as if wanting to reach for something that wasn't there.

_And... Dammit... Why do I have to miss that jerk of all people the most? It doesn't make sense..._ He thought to himself angrily, as he looked at the dark piece of cloth that was still wrapped around his hand.

He did consider changing it for some decent bandages, but somehow, in the end, he stayed with the not too familiar material. He just washed it once in a while, so it would stay clean.

The young Exorcist brought his hand to his face and inhaled on the cloth slightly.

Kanda's scent was still all over it. And – God damn it all - it was something that Allen found himself never getting enough of. Somehow he never paid any actual attention to the dark-haired's scent before. Not until now.

Allen was aware that it was wrong of him to do this, to think like this. Didn't Kanda make it all too clear that he shouldn't get any weird ideas? That he shouldn't let any of what they did get to his head? That he had no intention of getting involved with him in any kind of way?

_I'm such an idiot... Honest__ly... _The boy smiled to himself bitterly. _I'm such an idiot..._

_

* * *

_

"Ne, Tim... Would−_ack!_"

Allen's eyes shot open wide, and it was a matter of seconds before he got to a sitting position, head bent down, left hand pressed to the right limb tightly.

Timcanpy flew into the air instantly, worried what was suddenly going on.

"_Ghh_... Shit." The boy hissed through clenched teeth. Not this again... He hoped it would finally leave him alone, but...

Another yelp left Allen's lips when the pain ripped through his palm yet again. All of a sudden there was blood. Lots of it. The small golem started to flatter its wings in panic as it noticed the red liquid. It was flowing right out of the spot where the boy had the black cloth wrapped around.

It's been the third time this was happening since that incident. But the only one who knew about that fact was Allen.

"Damn it..." The boy cursed again, getting up on his feet as the pain managed to subside a little. "Sorry, Tim." The golem didn't understand up until the bed sheet cut its vision off. "Just... stay under there for a while, okay...?"

The white-haired hissed as another wave of pain followed, reaching for his bag hastily. Soon he got a few bandages out and managed to wrap them around his hand, trying to stop the bleeding − or rather, lessen it a little.

When he was done, he sat on the floor, pressing his back to the bed side.

A shaky sigh left his lips.

And then the fortitude test was on.

"_Ghh_... Ah…" _Happy thoughts... Think happy thoughts..._ _Fuck... Why the hell does this have to hurt this much..._ "_Ngh_..."

* * *

It took about an hour until the sharp pain finally disappeared, leaving Allen totally wasted on the spot. The boy was breathing shakily, tears that uncontrollably left his eyes were long dried, just a few hardly visible streaks left on his cheeks.

Blinking, the young Exorcist turned his head to the side slowly. It took a while to notice that Timcanpy was right there beside his face, motionless and calm.

The golem touched its Master's cheek with one of its tiny limbs.

Allen smiled weakly.

"**Hello...**"

The white-haired blinked. He could swear he heard someone just now... Was he even starting to hear things?

"**Allen Walker... Hello...**"

"Um..." The boy got his head up, looking around the room in confusion. "Tim, did you... hear anything just now...?"

A moment passed in silence.

"Wait... That's−" Opening his eyes wide, Allen got up to his feet abruptly. Then fell back down to his knees in an instant. "_Ack_−" The pain flashed through his right hand again, though it wasn't as intense anymore.

After a second, the white-haired Exorcist finally moved, advancing towards the small elliptic mirror that was hanging right above the short cupboard in the room.

What he saw in the reflection wasn't anything that he should have been surprised about, really. The Fourteenth's shadow was still looming behind him, though... It did look slightly different than before. More visible to be precise, and the outlines of his figure reassembled pretty much that of Allen's.

"**We've met... once before...**"

No, it wasn't the boy's imagination, after all. The figure from the other side of the mirror was really talking to him. The same voice that talked to him inside of the white room in the old Ark.

"**You remember... don't you...?**"

"Y-You're... The Fourteenth, right?" Allen stammered, a little nervous. It felt kind awkward talking to a mirror, especially when the words were directed towards something that wasn't there − or shouldn't be there in the eyes of anyone else but him.

"**Don't be afraid... I'm... on your side... **_**Allen**_**...**"

The white-haired boy narrowed his eyebrows. Even though the shadow said that, Allen couldn't help the awkward feeling that he didn't really mean it. Somewhere in there, the boy could sense a note of amusement behind those words.

* * *

"_Listen to the Fourteenth. There's another side to this war. Don't die before it's over this time."_

_

* * *

_

Allen didn't like this. He didn't like this one bit.

* * *

**Nayru's Note:** First and foremost, if you got confused with this chapter − have you ever heard of the DGM novels? They include official written stories that concentrate around the characters practically right before the actual start of the manga series (or at least they do in Allen's, Kanda's and Lavi's case – I've read only those three so far).

This chapter had references to the novel, so if you found yourself thinking "where the hell did you get _that_ from?", feel free to take a peek at the novel first. Google it if you're interested – it's been translated to English, and I think it's something a DGM fan would enjoy. I enjoyed reading Allen's and Kanda's part of the story a whole lot myself. (And Kanda's adventure in the novel was even presented in the anime fillers, though it's been altered a little.)

And as always, thank you for all the encouraging reviews!


	9. Third time’s a charm

**Warnings:** Some Allen/14th interaction.

* * *

**~Gone Forever~  
Chapter 09: Third time's a charm**

**

* * *

**

Timcanpy stared at his Master quietly, though it failed to understand what Allen was doing. The boy started bleeding out of nowhere at first, then ended up suffering in pain for over an hour because of it, and now... he was talking to himself?

The white-haired Exorcist was far from worried about Timcanpy at the moment, though.

A few seconds passed in silence, while Allen tried to calm down and get a hold of himself. Now wasn't the time to panic. He's talked to the Fourteenth before, it wasn't anything to be horrified about. Didn't he get used to the shadow looming over him by now, anyway?

"On my side, huh?" Allen asked, a little nervous, though he tried not to show it. Then he lifted his eyebrows in a mocking manner and continued with a note of sarcasm. "Well, if you're on my side, you can give me some answers, then."

That said, the boy started to untie the bloody bandages that were wrapped around his right hand, followed by the black cloth, which was a scrap of Kanda's shirt that went last. Soon, his palm was free for the eye to see, and although it was dirty all over from the already dried mess that was his blood, one could recognize the thing in question with ease.

"This, for instance−" Allen stretched out his hand in front of the mirror.

There was a cross-shaped wound on the back of his palm, and it probably went all the way through to the other side. It looked very similar to the mark the boy had on his Innocence, only that it went deeper, and it involved his flesh, naturally.

It almost looked the same as those small crosses that the Noah had on their foreheads, only that it was just one, and elsewhere.

Yes. A stigmata.

"**It's a−**"

"I know what it is." The white-haired cut the shadow off before it even got a decent chance to speak, not a glimpse of hesitation in his features anymore. "When will it disappear?"

"**That... depends...**" The Fourteenth answered in that anemic voice of his.

"On what?" Allen followed immediately.

Even though it was hard to recognize the features on the other side of the mirror clearly, the boy could swear the shadow smirked at the question. "**On... many things...**"

The young Exorcist furrowed his eyebrows in irritation. "And here I thought that my Master was the one who liked to speak in riddles." Sighing, he closed his eyes. This conversation wasn't going anywhere so far. "...Will more of those appear on my body as well?" The question was a bit more hesitant than the ones earlier.

"**That also... depends...**"

And Allen apparently lost it. "Screw you."

"**Oh, my...**" The Fourteenth commented in a slightly amused tone. "**Finally showing your true colors... are we...**"

"Like you're the one to know." The white-haired raised his voice, gritting his teeth. "You don't know a thing about me."

"**Oh... I know a lot more than you think...**"

Allen pressed his teeth together even harder.

Damn it, he had a bad feeling about this, and now it seemed that this feeling wasn't all that unreasonable. Did the Fourteenth honestly see everything that he's been doing up until now? Just because Allen couldn't see the shadow without the help of a mirror (or something else that reflected his image) didn't already have to mean that the phantom wasn't there anymore.

Wait... So even all the things that happened between him and Kanda...

"**Your actions... your thoughts... I know them...**" The Fourteenth continued as if only to confirm the boy's suspicions. "**After all... you and me... we're... connected...**"

"I don't believe you." The white-haired denied in a sharp tone, though he wasn't convinced of the words he just spoke himself all that wholeheartedly.

"**Don't you, now?**" The other went on, pausing for a moment.

Allen went alert when the shadow suddenly moved, shifting closer to the surface of the mirror. The phantom reached its limb out in the boy's direction, as if it wanted to touch the edge of the glass, then stayed motionless as it did so. The white-haired frowned in confusion, not really getting the point of the action.

Did the Fourteenth want him to do the same? Somehow Allen got the weird feeling that he did, though he wasn't sure that he wanted to accomplish through it. Something in the back of his mind told him that he didn't even want to find out, but...

Hesitating a bit at first, the boy reached to touch the surface of the mirror as well.

For a long moment there was silence, and nothing happened.

But then− "**Alright, I'll show you...**"

"Huh?" Was all Allen managed to let out before his life suddenly crashed down at him. Literally.

The boy wasn't sure what was going on. All of a sudden, it's as if he started having visions. Or rather flashbacks of things that happened in the past. Their stay in the infirmary, the attack of the Level Four Akuma on Headquarters, the whole zombie invasion, and − particularly to Allen's dissatisfaction...

"_K-Kanda..." _

His own breathless voice echoed inside of his head as soon as he came back to reality. Allen found himself on his knees on the floor, breathing heavily, and for a moment he was clueless to the fact where he actually was.

What the hell had just happened?

One look up at the mirror and everything went rushing back to him immediately.

All of a sudden a sharp headache kicked in and the boy felt like throwing up without an apparent reason. It just ended on a few coughs, though.

"W-What did you just−" Covering his mouth with one of his hands, eyes wide, Allen blinked a few times, totally out of it.

"**You still need to adapt to my abilities, it seems...**" The shadow spoke as if it were no big deal. Then silent laughter reached the young Exorcist's ears. "**...Should we try it again?**"

"Like hell−"

Allen ended up throwing the mirror right through the window. And no, he didn't care that he had to pay for it to the hotel staff. It was well worth it.

At least he could conclude that the Fourteenth knew everything that happened only until he reached the Noah's room in the Ark, since the visions started from that point on. It made sense, actually, considering that that was apparently the point from which the Noah awakened inside of him for the first time.

* * *

"Come on, Tim. We're leaving."

It was snowing for the first time that year. Well, it shouldn't be anything unusual − it was already December, after all. The snow wasn't that strong, but it did leave the streets all covered in white fluff in a matter of minutes.

Allen exhaled slowly, as he hugged his coat tighter. It was a good thing that he bought a scarf earlier, he'd probably be freezing without it by now.

* * *

It took him almost a whole day of traveling by train before the boy reached another of his destinations.

Surprising or not, he decided to come back to London again.

Well, it's not like he's been feeling homesick or anything... He just figured that he wanted to check the spot where he got out of the Ark earlier. It was about damn time something finally moved forward, seeing as waiting for either his Master or Komui was really a fight for a lost cause. Allen was fed up with doing nothing.

There was still one thing that needed to be taken care of before anything else, however. And while the white-haired Exorcist was at it, he decided to stay in another hotel for a day or two.

* * *

Entering the room he just booked into, first thing Allen did was throw his bag on the bed, then sat down himself, letting out a sigh. Damn, he felt tired. Even if there were less Akuma these days, the constant traveling was enough to wear him out. Not like he wasn't used to it.

He took one of the cheapest rooms this time, considering that he was slowly starting to go low on money. Well, it had to happen sooner or later, no surprise there.

The room was a lot smaller and definitely colder than the previous ones he's stayed in, but it was more than enough for a decent rest. Wooden walls surrounded him, and there wasn't actually anything else beside the small bed, a short table beside it and an old-looking wardrobe in the corner.

No mirror this time, but Allen wasn't really complaining.

"Tim, could you leave me alone for a while?" The boy asked, as he stood up. Making his way to the window, he opened it, granting the golden golem the possibility to fly out. And so it did, loyal to its Master like always.

Allen shivered from the cold gust of wind that got in. He didn't need to think twice before closing the window as soon as he was left alone.

Silence fell upon the room as the boy stood in place, watching as Timcanpy flew somewhere into the distance, disappearing behind one of the town's buildings. After a moment of thought, the white-haired turned back to his bed.

Crawling on top of the piece of furniture, he reached for the bag which he brought with him and took something out. The item was wrapped in a towel, though it didn't take long before he disposed of it, revealing what was inside − a relatively large piece of a broken mirror.

"We need to talk." Allen spoke, as soon as he looked into it, acknowledging the shadow's expectant presence.

"**I'm thrilled...**" The response came after a short moment.

The boy couldn't help but sigh at the remark, closing his eyes in irritation. "You say that you're not my enemy, but how can I even trust you when you give that kind of attitude?"

"**You're just so easy to tease, Allen...**" The Fourteenth said, though − to the boy's surprise − there wasn't any malice in his voice this time. "**But fine, have it your way. I'll play by your rules.**"

Staring at the reflection in the piece of mirror, the young Exorcist stayed silent for a moment.

"Didn't you say that you could read my thoughts? Don't you know what I want to talk about?"

A wide grin made its way to the shadow's profile. "**It doesn't work that way...**"

"So, you were just trying to pull my leg." The boy concluded as-a-matter-of-factly.

"**No, I wasn't lying...**" The Fourteenth went on, his voice calm the whole time. "**It needs time... for a start...**"

Allen didn't seem to look convinced. "...Whatever. That's not the point of this conversation, anyway." He spoke as if the previous topic has never even taken place. "There's something that's been bugging me the whole time."

"**Let's hear it, then...**"

"The Noah and the Innocence oppose eachother, don't they?" Allen lifted his left hand in front of the mirror, as if to make a point. "How the hell is this supposed to work?"

"**You're smarter than you look, kid.**" The shadow sounded more audible all of a sudden.

"Also, you might not know, but−"

"**I do know.**" The Fourteenth cut the other off. "**And you are absolutely right.**" The Noah smirked again, though it didn't look as mischievous anymore. "**It's not that I don't want to take over your body. It's just that the moment I did, I'd probably kill the both of us.**"

_Bingo._ Allen thought to himself victoriously, though he tried not to let his emotions run loose.

If somebody ever told him that he would be glad because of going through something like _that_, he would have never believed it. And yet, because of the whole situation now, it was probably the greatest ace up his sleeve that he could possibly have.

While his hand wasn't that much of a crucial factor, considering that the Noah could simply cut it of were it to deem too much of a nuisance to him, there was something else that wouldn't be as easy to get rid of for the life of him.

Yes − the fragment of Innocence that was now a part of Allen's heart. It was an issue which the Fourteenth wouldn't be able to overcome no matter what he did. Either the Innocence would kill him, or he would die without it, anyway, since getting rid of it would leave his heart unable to function properly again.

Honestly, if Tyki ever found out about it, Allen mused, he'd probably die of laughter. Or despair.

"**I'm starting to like you.**" The shadow suddenly admitted, interrupting the boy's cheerful thoughts. "**I'm sure we'll make an... interesting team, Allen.**"

"Whatever you say." For the first time the boy smirked back at him. Though just because the Noah started to sound more friendly all of a sudden didn't mean that Allen was letting his guard down just yet. He still had a good deal of doubts about the other's intentions towards him. "So what are your true motives, anyway? Why did you betray the Earl?"

"**If I told you everything right away, where would be the fun in that?**"

"And there you go again." Allen commented, slight irritation returning to him. "Seriously, did my Master teach you to be that way? ...Or wait, was it the other way around?"

"**You're not what it seems all the time, either.**"

"That wasn't an answer to my question."

No further words came.

Allen sighed again. Goddamn, this was really a tough cookie to crack. The boy vaguely wondered who was actually harder to deal with − the Fourteenth or Kanda. ...Then again it was probably still the latter.

Well, if the Noah was already starting to get tired of this conversation, there was no use in postponing it. Though...

"Say..." The young Exorcist spoke, as if getting a sudden idea. "Back at Headquarters, right before I left the Order..." He looked at the shadow with intent in his eyes. "The sobs I heard − it was you, wasn't it? You were the one who affected me like that."

There was no response.

"Answer me, damn it."

Still nothing.

Alright, that did it. The Noah could go fuck himself. Allen's patience wasn't bottomless, either, despite everything. Not to mention he was tired and obviously not looking forward to mind games at the moment.

It took a blink of an eye before the mirror was wrapped back in the towel, placed inside of the boy' bag once again.

* * *

Throwing himself on top of the bed, Allen cuddled into the sheets. At least they were thick and seemed warm, unlike the temperature in this room, which could be simply described as 'cold as hell'. This was one of the main reasons why the boy wasn't fond of winter, especially at times like these.

He found himself drifting off to sleep when a sudden sound made him snap out of his tired daze. Allen was a bit confused what it was or where it came from at first − it sounded like something similar to knocking − or rather hitting − something against something. Glass?

Timcanpy was outside the window and it was obviously trying to get in, though the transparent barrier was preventing it from doing so. So it was hitting the glass instantly−

Wait, didn't the golem look kind of as if it were in panic?

Allen got on his feet as soon as he noticed Tim's weird behavior, opening the window without a second thought−

"_Oof!_" The boy let out a surprised sound as the golden creature flew right straight into its Master's face. Then, almost instantly, it started flying in circles above him, flapping its wings so fast that a sparrow would be jealous.

"Geez, Tim..." Allen rubbed his head in pain. "What's wrong? Did something−"

The boy didn't finish his question, however.

Next thing he knew, the doors to his room burst open without warning. The sudden loud noise of the action made him almost jump in shock. Eyes wide, his gaze traveled to the door frame almost immediately.

And then−

"It's about damn time!" The person spoke, slightly out of breath. Irritation was written all over his face.

"K-Kanda?" The boy was so startled that he didn't even notice when the name left his lips.

What was he doing here? Wait, how the hell did he even find him in the first place? And − most important of all − was the fact that Kanda burst into his room right now... actually a good thing or not?

* * *

**Nayru's Note:** At the time I've been writing this chapter, our knowledge about the Fourteenth's character was close to zero. I still have no idea what kind of personality this Noah actually has, so I'm sorry if I make him look out of character. It's all for the sake of making − or rather attempting to make − the story more interesting, honest.

Thank you for all the wonderful reviews, as always!


	10. One step closer

**Warnings:** Kanda being a jerk, violence, Yullen interaction.

* * *

**~Gone Forever~  
Chapter 10: One step closer**

**

* * *

**

Kanda quickly scanned the room with his sharp gaze, while Allen started to fear the worst. The dark-haired didn't look like he was here to conclude a peace treaty − rather quite the opposite. He was obviously trying to evaluate the situation both of them were in right now, as if to prepare for any possible case scenario.

The window behind Allen was probably what worried Kanda the most, since it provided an obvious escape route for the white-haired. He didn't even try to fool himself that the fact that they were on the second floor would be a hinderance to an Exorcist their caliber.

Another issue was the size of the room. It was so small and narrow that Kanda knew he would have a problem if he were to swing his katana in here. First thing he'd hit would be a wall, not his target. Using his weapon was out of the question. Well, it's not like he was intending on using Mugen from the beginning, but...

"What are you doing here?" Allen broke the silence as soon as he got over the bigger deal of shock he was in. He tried to sound composed, but the waver in his voice was giving him away. "How did you even find me?"

"That's my line!" Kanda hissed at him, sounding very, very angry. "Your stupid golem gave you away!"

Allen looked at Timcanpy, though his gaze didn't seem accusing. He was too nervous to be mad at anything at all right now. And all in all it wasn't really Tim's fault... Who would have known that Kanda could be scanning the area.

The golem just flapped its wings in panic, sweatdropping. And it was so much for that topic.

"What the hell, Moyashi? Why did you run away from the Order?" The dark-haired asked in a more composed tone, though he was still keeping his guard up.

Allen looked Kanda back in the eyes, trying to read any kind of emotion in those black orbs of his − to no avail. He wasn't sure what the older man's intentions towards him were.

"Ah... It's... complicated, um..." The younger Exorcist stammered after finally finding his voice. What the hell was he supposed to tell him? Where should he even start?

"'_Complicated' _my ass. I want explanations." Kanda exclaimed angrily.

"It's... a long story." The boy choose his words carefully. He sure as hell didn't want to make any wrong moves at the moment. Trying to calm Kanda down was priority one. "So, why don't we take a seat, and−"

That was all Allen muttered out as he made one grave mistake. The moment he took a quick glimpse of the window next to him, Kanda rushed forward by impulse, apparently taking the gesture the wrong way.

Before the younger boy even had a chance to react, the Japanese was merely inches away from him. Then, next thing Allen knew, he was being rammed against the wall behind him. Kanda caught him by the collar, keeping him firmly in place.

"Don't even think about it." The older man muttered through clenched teeth.

"...I wasn't intending to." Allen remarked calmly, though his voice sounded slightly strained from the pressure the other was giving him. "I won't run away from you, Kanda." He continued in a serious tone, trying his best to reassure the dark-haired of his intentions. "So please, calm down."

Though Kanda didn't seem to be convinced; he pressed Allen to the wall even harder. "You're suspected of treason, do you know that?"

The younger male stared at the other for a moment, the seriousness in his features not fading. The whole time, he searched for any kind of emotion in Kanda's eyes. And finally, the moment the Japanese spoke his last words, he thought that he found something. It was just a hardly notable waver − a slight indication of uncertainty − but it was there.

The boy's gaze traveled elsewhere. "Yeah..."

"What the fuck?" Kanda's eyes widened. "Is that the only answer you can give me?" He couldn't believe this.

Allen's gaze shifted back to the dark-haired man. "That's why I told you, it's complicated... So if you'd just let me−"

Kanda hit him − _hard_. So hard that the boy lost his balance and tripped, almost falling to the floor.

Kneeling with one leg, the younger Exorcist supported himself with his hand against the wall and brought the other limb to rub at his cheek. _Ow... _It was a matter of seconds before the taste of blood appeared in his mouth.

"What was that for?" Allen complained half-heartedly as he stood up slowly, avoiding the other man's gaze.

"You admit that you've betrayed the Order?!" The Japanese snapped, almost yelling the words out.

The white-haired turned in the older man's direction again, frowning at him. "Of course not, BaKanda! I'd never do that!" Allen raised his voice as well.

"Why the hell did you run away, then?!"

"...Because the Central wanted to lock me up." The boy admitted a bit more calmly.

"Well, they needed to have some kind of reason, then, didn't they?"

"I didn't do anything!" Allen yelled again. "Moreover, Komui was the one−"

"Komui was the one who ordered us to find you!" Kanda cut the white-haired off before he managed to finish the sentence.

At that point Allen understood what the whole deal was about. But the problem was that Kanda didn't, and changing that fact would be a very, very hard cookie to crack. As things stood, his current situation was just adding points to his disadvantage.

"No, you've got it all wrong." The younger Exorcist calmed down again, making a straight face. "Komui doesn't want me back. He just ordered you to find me because that was what Central expected of him to do."

"What _sense_ does that make?" The anger in Kanda's voice didn't lessen even the tiniest bit, but at least he was listening to what Allen was saying. That alone was already a good thing.

"He wants to appear as if obeying Central, so that he doesn't lose their trust. But in reality he doesn't agree with most of their decisions." The boy went on calmly. "Komui does it all in order to protect us."

"He would have mentioned something if that were the case." The Japanese remarked angrily.

"That's why− I'm telling you that he couldn't, because the higher-ups were constantly keeping watch over him!"

"Che. Right." Kanda still looked far from convinced. "And you, of all people, are the only one who knows about it. Did you read Komui's mind, Moyashi?" The question had a sarcastic ring to it.

"He left me a note." Allen answered, his face dead serious. "He warned me of the whole possibility way before, so I just needed to put two and two together."

"So you're just assuming things on your own." The man deadpanned.

"I'm not, _geez!_" The white-haired grimaced, making an angry face. "You're not listening to me−"

"Why should I listen to the words of a traitor?" The question was full of contempt.

"I'm not a traitor!" Allen yelled, taking a step towards the other man. At the same time Kanda reached with his hand, catching the boy by the collar again, though a bit more gently than earlier.

"Well, I'm sure Komui can explain everything more clearly once we're both back at the Order." Dark, determined eyes met with Allen's intently. "Orders are orders. I'm taking you back, whether you like it or not."

The boy's eyes widened at the words. _Oh, shit._ So much was enough for Allen to understand that he was indeed in big trouble. Kanda was serious about this, and the boy knew well enough how the dark-haired always handled his missions.

This was bad. This was really, really bad.

Kanda wasn't the type of person who would submit to practically anyone. What were the chances for a successful change of his mind and his priorities? Close to nothing. But the problem was that Allen really couldn't return to the Order. Not now − not yet, at least. What was he supposed to do?

Try to get away somehow? He doubted that would end well. After all − as much as he hated to admit it − Kanda was both stronger and faster than him. Not to mention that he apparently had his weapon back by his side. Which was overall a good thing and Allen would be really glad about the fact if it weren't for the current circumstances... There was no way he would get out of that case scenario in one piece.

There needed to be some kind of other option. And Allen needed to find it fast. If using strength was out of the question, then the sure as hell needed to put his brain into good use. Though that's what he was trying his best at doing the whole time, and the outcome wasn't satisfactory so far.

Was there really a way to come to some kind of agreement with the dark-haired?

"Kanda." The name left Allen's lips in a serious tone. He was looking the other man straight in the face. "I can't go back."

The older Exorcist didn't even twitch. There was a short, quiet moment, though. "That's not my problem."

Allen clenched his teeth slightly. "Do you honestly don't care? Would you be okay with the fact if they were to kill me?"

"Kill you?" Kanda asked immediately. Then his face expression changed from what the boy could describe as 'angry' to 'pissed off''. "What the fuck did you do for them to want to execute you for it?!" The Japanese snapped, tugging Allen by the collar angrily. "Seriously, this isn't funny anymore!"

"I didn't do anything, I'm telling you!" The younger Exorcist placed his hands on Kanda's, trying to keep both of them still. Then he sighed deeply in annoyance, averting his gaze to the side. "It's mostly my Master's fault... They think I'm connected to him, so they blame me as well, when I don't even know what my Master did. Or where he even is for that matter!"

He decided not to tell the whole truth behind the picture yet. Kanda didn't know anything about Mana, let alone the Fourteenth, and now wasn't really the time for such explanations. He just hoped that Cross would do the trick.

"Stop lying!" Kanda rammed the boy back against the wall, pinning him by the collar. "You expect me to believe such bullshit?! Listen to what you're saying!"

Allen gasped at the sudden shove, but he tried to keep his composure. "...Did I ever lie to you, Kanda?" The words left him as calmly as he could manage.

The older man turned silent for a moment, though he was still throwing daggers at the white-haired boy. It was as if he tried to scan his memory for an affirmative answer, but couldn't find one.

"Che. I won't let you have this, you manipulative bastard." Kanda remarked, all second thoughts gone. "Komui ordered me to take you back, and I'm going to take you back."

Allen frowned at him. He had no idea why, but anger suddenly filled him from head to toe. Why the hell did it have to be so damn difficult all the time? Why the hell did Kanda have to be such a stubborn jerk for every second of his life? Why the hell was he practically the only person he couldn't come to terms with?

"Komui _this_, Komui _that_. Don't you have a mind of your own, Kanda?" The younger Exorcist asked mockingly, trying his best to control himself.

And he knew that he pulled the last straw, as the dark-haired's face expression changed to an even more furious one (if that was even possible), and it was a matter of moments until Kanda hit him again. He should have seen it coming, really. That's what tended to happen when one added fuel to something that was already on fire.

"Don't you dare mock me!"

Head still turned to the side from the impact, Allen wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt, hiding his eyes under his bangs. "Right... Hit me, because that's the only thing you can do right."

Kanda's eyes widened the tiniest bit at the remark, only to be filled with fury a mere second later. And he seriously lost it.

Though Allen had enough of it all the more. He wasn't intending to play the corpse anymore. And no way in hell was he letting the older man have his way with him as he apparently so dearly wished. Over his dead body.

The moment the dark-haired took another swing, Allen slid down to the floor abruptly, escaping from the other's grasp. Then he caught Kanda's legs with his own and pulled the weight to the side, which in result made the Japanese loose his balance and fall to the floor, cursing.

Trying to take advantage of the situation, the boy did the first thing that came to his mind − run for it. The window was just a few feet away−

"_Wah!_" Allen yelped when he as well fell to the floor, feeling something pulling him by the leg. Or rather someone.

"_Damned brat!_" Kanda cursed as he approached the boy− Surprisingly enough, Allen was the one who hit him this time. And he sure as hell wasn't holding back.

When another opportunity kicked in, the white-haired Exorcist used it to stand up, freeing himself from Kanda's grasp. But then, as if some kind of lightning, the dark-haired was right beside him again. Allen didn't even have the time to think for what he was supposed to prepare himself for next.

"_Agh...!_" A startled sound left the younger male's lips as he fell to his knees, klutching his stomach with both of his hands. He started to cough, feeling as all of his insides were beginning to ache unbearably. Kanda really did hit him hard...

But that still didn't stop him from returning the favor.

The boy figured that he's been through worse things than this. As long as the man didn't kill him (he hoped that he wouldn't...), he'd live with it. It wasn't like this was Allen's first fight ever.

And so, the fierce struggle was on, and neither Allen nor Kanda were intending to go down that easily. To the boy's surprise − and also his relief − the Japanese never reached for Mugen, though Allen was positive that the thought crossed the other's mind more than once.

* * *

"...Sir, is everything alright?" A worried girly voice echoed from behind the wooden door, right after a soft knock. Allen could only assume it was the maid.

"Ah− Yes, I'm fine!" The boy answered, trying his best to sound as natural as possible. "I'm sorry for the commotion!"

"Well... Alright." The girl replied a bit more cheerfully. "If there is anything you need, Sir, don't hesitate to ask me. ...I hope you enjoy your stay." And with that, she was off, what could be assumed from the sound of the footsteps.

"Ah... A..." Allen let out the breath he was holding, as soon as he figured it was safe to do so. He was sprawled on the floor, breathing heavily, clenching both of his sides. His shirt was torn, revealing a little bit of his bruised body. Blood was dripping from his mouth, making him cough occasionally.

Though Kanda wasn't in any better state, actually. He was sitting pressed against the wall just a few feet away. His uniform wasn't torn, but it apparently was forced open, revealing bruises together with a fragment of his mysterious tattoo. His hair was in a mess, free from the pony tail. His lip was also torn, but unlike Allen, he had also a bleeding hand − however that managed to happen.

"_Ah..._ I think you broke me a rib, you asshole." The white-haired boy was the first to speak, as he rolled slightly to the side on the floor. "Ow..."

"Che. And you almost bit my fucking arm off. Serves you right." Kanda remarked in a surprisingly calm tone.

Despite the whole situation, Allen chuckled at that. And the older man didn't even yell at him for it − he just stayed quiet.

It was weird, actually. The boy had the impression as if Kanda wasn't angry at him anymore. It's as if he was pissed at him for the sole reason of leaving the Order without telling him a word about it. And now, after he let all of his frustration out by beating the living shit out of him, he seemed easier to reason with.

"...How's been everyone doing?" The white-haired Exorcist asked all of a sudden, as if forgetting the situation he was currently in.

Kanda raised his head at the question, turning his gaze to the other boy. Then, he sighed. "Everyone's been looking for you the whole time, you bitch. Ever since you disappeared without a trace." The Japanese admitted in annoyance.

All of a sudden, Allen started to feel all warm inside... Then he chuckled again. "Geez, so you're telling me that it was just my luck to run into you, of all people?" He tried to sound dissatisfied, though deep inside he was also kind of glad about the fact. Even if it cost him a bit of his health. Then again, if he were to run into any other of his friends, he probably wouldn't have a grave problem at his mind at the moment...

"I figured you'd appear in London sooner or later." Kanda replied as if nothing. "Seems I was right."

That, however, startled the younger boy a bit. It was true that Allen was connected to this place in a way, but... How did Kanda know about that?

"How come?" He couldn't help himself but ask.

"Lenalee's been worried sick over you." The Japanese suddenly remarked. Yeah, talk about a discreet change of topic.

"...And you weren't?" The boy asked as if wanting to imply something. In reality he was just curious, though he probably already knew the answer.

"Che." Kanda closed his eyes, looking annoyed. "Why should I be worried about you?"

Allen turned his gaze to the other man slowly. More than anything, he was surprised about the fact... that Kanda didn't actually deny his question. Then again, that also didn't have to mean anything.

He knew that even if the man were to have any kind of emotions of attachment towards him (which was hardly possible, anyway), he'd never admit it. But Allen wasn't an idiot who'd make himself false hope like this... was he?

"Kanda..." The white-haired boy suddenly called the other's name, as he turned back to the side.

This was stupid, he knew it. But he had to try. Even if it was a fight for a lost cause, he sure as hell wasn't intending to sit back and do nothing, while the other Exorcist dragged him back to the Order.

Allen inhaled silently, feeling how his heart raced in his chest. "...Would you stay with me?" The question came out not as loud as he wanted it to.

"What?" The Japanese opened his eyes, turning in the younger boy's direction again.

"Stay with me. For a little while." The white-haired continued more calmly and more confidently. "And then... I'll go back with you."

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" Kanda sounded angry, confused and accusing at the same time.

"Please." Allen wasn't discouraged to go on.

"No."

"Pretty please."

"_No_."

Both fell silent.

"...Alright, consider it as a part of your mission, then." The boy suddenly shifted, getting into a sitting position. Turning in the other's direction, he looked at him. "You can tell Komui that I promised you to come back once you stayed with me for a while. ...So you were just doing what was needed to complete the mission."

Kanda stared back at the boy, frowning. Allen couldn't decipher what was currently going on in the other man's head, but the fact that he fell silent meant that he was at least considering the offer. That was already good enough of a sign.

Maybe... Just maybe...

"You really are a manipulative bastard, do you know that?"

Allen smiled mischievously.

"Was that a 'yes'?"

* * *

**Nayru's Note: **I'm not satisfied with this chapter, for some reason… I think I rushed it a bit, so I'm sorry if it really gives the impression of being rushed. I simply didn't want to keep you guys hanging for so long again.


	11. Moonshine

**Warnings:** Beware of some plot bunnies, flashback thingies, overuse of alcohol, an out of character Allen, Kanda's usual foul language, and... finally a lemon?

* * *

**~Gone Forever~  
Chapter 11: Moonshine**

**

* * *

**It was already night outside.

Kanda sighed as he shifted on the bed, turning to the other side. The full moon behind the window was the only current source of light, but it was doing a very good job at illuminating the whole room before his eyes. The man has gotten used to the darkness hours ago.

It's been three whole days since he found Allen. And, however it actually came to it, decided to stay with him for the time being.

It would have been way easier if he were to refuse and just simply drag the brat back to Headquarters, the dark haired-couldn't help himself but muse the whole time. It would save him a great deal of trouble that way. Aside from lying to Komui that he was still on the lookout for Walker (he wasn't sure why he didn't tell him the truth in the first place), he had to be careful with the golems (both his and Timcanpy), since they could record his actions with ease.

Wait, Tim already knew what was going on. Didn't that kind of make Kanda screwed, already? Would they consider him a traitor, too, if everything were to come out? Seriously, what the hell was he thinking...

_"Don't worry about Tim, Kanda." Allen reached with his hand to the golden golem that came flying to his shoulder and patted it with his finger. "My Master modified him a little. No-one will be able to access his memories aside from me anymore."_

_Well, that was both reassuring and a little worrying at the same time. Obviously, it meant that Walker had something to hide, didn't it? Or..._

_"You've met with Cross?!"_

Kanda frowned at the memory. He still had no idea what he was thinking. He wasn't the kind of person that sweet-talk had any influence on. And he knew that Walker did exactly that: sweet-talk him into all of this. The bastard was having his way with him, for fuck's sake. He was aware of it all. And despite everything, he didn't refuse and stayed with him.

Why did he?

* * *

The white-haired Exorcist wiped the lost remains of blood from his face before he lazily made his way towards the bed, taking a seat on the mentioned piece of furniture.

It was time to call it quits. He felt tired as hell. "Hope you don't mind the single bed today..."

"I'll take the floor." Well, apparently Kanda _did _mind.

"That's..." Allen looked at the man, uncertainty and worry in his eyes. "You won't get a proper rest down there, Kanda. It would be unfair of me−"

"I said I'll be taking the floor." The dark-haired repeated as if nothing, making his way towards the nearest wall and placing Mugen to lean against it. He then sat on the floor with his back pressed against the wall as well, crossed his arms and closed his eyes, as if he were ready to rest. Allen just watched him quietly as he did so.

_He's averse to sharing the same bed with me for one fucking night? After what we've been through..._ The younger male thought to himself, slightly annoyed. Then he let out a sigh. _Will he ever change, geez..._

"You take the bed, Kanda." Allen suddenly broke the silence, getting to his feet and advancing towards the other. "You're my guest now, after all. It would be inappropriate. I'll be the one to−"

"Shut up and go to sleep." The man cut him off, not even opening his eyes in the process.

"But−"

"I'm used to sleeping like this." Kanda added. "And I don't need you slowing us down tomorrow."

* * *

Moyashi was not to be trusted. Not after everything that happened recently. The Order wouldn't suspect him of treason without a reason, after all. And Kanda was certain that Allen was hiding something from him. He's mentioned it before, hasn't he? That the boy started acting weird ever since they got back from the Ark. That was also more or less the time when the kid has been put under surveillance. There needed to be some kind of connection.

_...Mirrors? _The thought assaulted the dark-haired all of a sudden. He was clueless to the fact why, but now that he recalled it, the moment he and Allen entered the room, the first thing the younger boy did was cover up the mirror with a blanket. And it happened twice now.

Was the kid actually scared of mirrors, or something? He doubted that was the case, in all honesty. There needed to be something more behind that. And right now Kanda only cursed at himself that he didn't ask Allen directly about it when he had the chance.

Maybe, just maybe, that was the actual reason why Kanda stayed with him. To get some answers. To find out everyone's true intentions. To figure out what Walker was actually up to? Maybe that was it. Maybe he just wanted some answers for himself, since he knew how the Order tended to keep secrets behind everyone's back. Just because Kanda seemed to be loyal, didn't mean that he would follow anyone blindly, despite how things tended to look sometimes.

And no matter how much he wanted to deny it, he was actually intrigued by Walker's actions.

* * *

"I see the Order designed new coats again." Allen commented, observing the black-and-red cloth that was fitting Kanda's body almost perfectly.

He really liked the design, though it did look kind of fancy for a battle outfit. The boy hoped it was more durable and attack-resistant than it looked. Then again, taking the previous coats into consideration, it probably was. Allen only wondered how long it would take, for him to get one...

"And you have Mugen back by your side. Did Komui repair it?"

There was no response.

"Kanda?" The younger of the two called the other's name uncertainly.

"Yeah." The Japanese finally gave an answer, as if snapping out of his thoughts. "He told us to forget about its evolution possibilities for the time being." He closed his eyes as he went on. "Lenalee's still the only one who managed to turn her Innocence into a crystalization-type."

"I see." Allen only commented, feeling slightly down without an apparent reason all of a sudden.

* * *

Kanda shifted on the bed again, getting into a sitting position. The covers slid down his frame, revealing naked skin. Even though it was December, and it was cold as hell (especially at nights), the dark-haired still slept without a shirt on. It was part of his training, he tended to justify - one which helped him toughen up and build up resistance to the cold. And it apparently did its job well, since he couldn't even recall the last time he's been sick.

The man shifted his gaze to the other bed present in the room. It was his demand, after all. Aside from that one night together these three days back (Walker's been already booked into that small room for the night, so it would have been stupid to change it), he demanded they have two separate beds from that point on. Yes, two single beds - and not a bed less. That was his condition. Well, as far as Walker didn't want to sleep on the floor, which he really couldn't care any less about.

The current problem right now, however, was the fact that the other bed stood empty before him.

Kanda cursed at himself for being so naive in the first place. He knew it was a bad idea, letting Allen go off somewhere on his own. And he didn't even get a proper explanation where the hell the white-haired actually wanted to run off to.

Well, he did leave Timcanpy behind, and promised to come back no matter what, but saying that Kanda was reassured from his sweet words and promises would be a total lie. Hell, he didn't trust Walker in the slightest.

The brat said he'd be back in an hour or two.

It's been half a day by now.

_He didn't freeze to death somewhere out there, did he?_ The Japanese wondered vaguely all of a sudden, looking through the window glass. The wind shook the leafless trees and made bits of snow raise into the air, smarting up the view with white fluff.

Kanda frowned, looking both annoyed and displeased.

_Wait... Why the hell do I care in the first place?_

_

* * *

_

"So, how do you comprehend this 'while' of yours?" Kanda grunted, giving off the impression as if he wasn't fond of the topic in the slightest. "If I am to stay with you, I need a concrete time limit."

Allen turned to look at him, thinking. Right, the dark-haired wouldn't let himself get pulled by the leg that easily... When it came to Kanda, everything needed to go according to schedule, especially on missions. Admirable behavior, though Allen wished the Japanese would give himself some slack sometime. Preferably now.

"Um... How about..." The boy crossed his arms, trying to come up with something reasonable. ...Yeah, maybe that would work. "Until we find my Master."

"Che. That could take forever, for all I know." The older Exorcist remarked, dissatisfied with the answer. "We don't even know if he's still alive, after what happened."

"...After what happened?" Allen asked, unaware.

Kanda observed the white-haired boy for a moment, as if wanting to reassure himself that it was okay to speak about the issue.

"The attack on the Order these three weeks ago...." The Japanese started to explain, his voice low. "Or rather, the attack on Central. It was initiated by the Noah."

He paused, waiting for some kind of reaction. Though Allen was just staring at him the whole time, apparently wanting him to go on. Kanda could only conclude that the other boy really wasn't aware of anything.

"But the worst part is that Cross was together with them." Kanda sounded disgusted.

"Huh? What?" The white-haired's eyes went open wide. Was he hearing right? "You can't be serious. You don't mean−"

"Yes, he did." The older Exorcist cut the other off. "Cross went against the Order. And whatever his motives were, he seemed to be on the enemy's side."

Allen was seriously at a loss of words. "That can't be... Master would never--"

"Komui doesn't believe it, either." Kanda sighed in irritation, closing his eyes. "He said that there is always the possibility that the Noah bitch who could morph into anything be behind it. Though that's just speculation." The dark-haired went on. "We don't know what happened after the attack - all we confirmed is that one of the Noah got killed during the whole commotion. And Cross went missing in action after it."

The younger male stared at the other, trying to process the whole information he just received. Kanda was for real, wasn't he? Well, he'd never joke about something like this, so much Allen should have been aware of by now.

The thing about Lulubell might have been true. She's done it before, after all - taking the form of one of their comrades and slipping inside the Order unnoticed. If the Noah wanted to cause confusion amongst the ranks of their enemy, then they apparently succeeded.

The death of one of the Noah, though... Allen would have lied if he said that it didn't surprise him. But the death itself wasn't the thing that intrigued him most regarding the fact. It was more as if he's just found a piece to his current puzzle - and he had a feeling it was a fitting one.

"...Komui must be right. My Master would never do something like that." It was only natural for the white-haired to come to such a conclusion; he tried to reassure himself. After all, he's met with Cross after leaving the Order... Surely Marian would have mentioned something if he were involved in the whole picture somehow... wouldn't he?

"Well, I won't delude myself with false hope until I find some decent proof behind that." Kanda remarked in a sharp tone.

Allen only nodded in understatement, though it was hard on him. "And the Noah... who was it?"

The dark-haired sighed. "I don't know, unfortunately."

"Hmm... Who killed him, then?"

"I don't know that, either."

* * *

Another hour had passed. And Kanda was awake the whole time.

Not to mention he was severely annoyed− pissed− _fucking furious_ by now. If Walker seriously made a run for it, he'd die a miserable death the moment the dark-haired found him again. He seriously couldn't believe this. Was he really _that_ stupid to let something like this happen? He knew the brat was not to be trusted, and yet−

Kanda didn't intend to waste any more time on pointless thinking. It was a matter of seconds till he was on his feet, hastily putting his Exorcist coat on (though not bothering to even button it close). Then he settled Mugen on his belt, lastly taking the rope for his hair and made his way towards the door. Holding the string in his lips, he worked on the black strands with his hands, attending to form a pony-tail.

The moment he wanted to pause his current occupation and open the door so that he could continue it while being on his way, he suddenly heard a noise. And it apparently wasn't his imagination, since before he knew it, the doors swung open before his very face, revealing none other than Allen, blocking his way out.

Kanda ceased all of his movements, staring at the boy dumbly. And it was due to the light that emitted from the corridor that he was able to notice... the huge blush on the younger boy's face.

_...Wait, what?_

Then the stench of something that Kanda could only conclude was alcohol reached his senses, leaving him doubtless to everything.

* * *

"You still didn't give me an answer." Kanda suddenly grunted, annoyed.

"Huh?" Allen turned to look at the other.

"How long?"

"Oh..." The boy averted his gaze elsewhere, sweat dropping. Geez, did Kanda always have to be so damn stubborn? "If you insist that much..." Allen trailed off before he smiled at the other man as cheerfully as he could. "How does half a year sound?"

...He didn't go over the line, did he?

"Wha−" Kanda almost choked on his own saliva. "Are you out of your fucking mind?!"

"I'm just kidding, geez!" Allen let out a sigh, as he cut the other off before any of this got any further. "Can't you even take a joke, Kan−" He stopped when he suddenly felt the side of Mugen pressing to his cheek. "Yeah, apparently not..."

"I didn't come here to play with you, you damned brat!" Kanda spoke through gritted teeth, dangerously tightening the grip on his sword.

Allen frowned at the other man in annoyance. Ever since Kanda found him, he's been calling him names which were way more rude than his trademark 'Moyashi'. But as much as the boy was tired of being called after vegetables and whatnot, this was seriously starting to go over the line. Kanda was acting colder towards him than ever before. What the hell was his problem?!

To Allen, it almost felt as if the man was being so rude to him on purpose... _It's as if... He didn't know how to deal with me, or something._

"I have a name, you know!" Allen backfired, ignoring the fact that his health was currently in danger. "Stop being such a jerk, will you! What the hell is your problem, anyway?"

"I'm not in the mood for this bullshit." Kanda snorted in annoyance.

"Well, you're never in the mood for anything, so what else is new?"

The next second, Allen was being pinned to the wall. Kanda caught him by his already torn collar, throwing daggers at the boy. "Listen, Moyashi. I'm going to drag you back to the Order if you don't give me a fucking answer this instant." The older male apparently tried his best to control himself. He seemed to mean every word he spoke. "I have no idea why the fuck I've agreed to stay with you in the first place."

"Kanda, what are you afraid of?"

At that single moment, Allen noticed confusion and uncertainty flash through the other man's features - though those emotions disappeared even faster than they appeared. But the sudden question did stir up something in the other male, the boy was certain of it.

"I've no idea what you're talking about." Kanda grunted as if nothing. But Allen already had reasons to believe it was a lie. "And you still didn't answer my question."

"Are you still mad at me?" The white-haired continued in a composed tone. "You are, aren't you?"

"Of course I'm fucking mad at you!" The man admitted, raising his voice. "If you even get the stupid idea of disappearing without a word again−"

"That's not what I was talking about." Allen's interruption was quiet, albeit effective.

The Japanese turned silent at that. He stared at the white-haired boy for a while more, and Allen stared back. Then Kanda finally released his grip on him.

"I've long forgotten about that."

And with that he turned a hundred and eighty degrees and started walking away. Allen watched his movements, staying in place.

_Have you, now?_

_

* * *

_

"What the fuck, Moyashi..." Was all Kanda muttered out, as he still stared at the other boy in disbelief.

Seriously now... What the hell was he trying to pull? Let alone the fact that he was underage, who the bloody hell gave him alcohol in the first place? Did the kid run off somewhere just to get wasted? Was he for real?

"How much did you drink?"

"...Not much." Allen answered half-heartedly as he averted his gaze from the other's, then managed to move from the door frame. Taking a step inside the room, he closed the door behind him.

Did Kanda mention that he swayed from right to left while at it?

"You can hardly stand, you moron."

_Shit... _Allen only cursed to himself in his thoughts. He wasn't certain about Kanda's current mood, or about his surroundings. He wasn't certain about anything at all at the moment, actually. All he was really aware of was the fact that the world around him was spinning, spinning− oh _bloody hell, spinning_− like there was no tomorrow.

He overdid it, he seriously overdid it. While playing poker was something he could handle with ease (his last resort option at earning money had to get to him sooner or later, he was seriously a fool thinking he could manage to go on without it), the moment alcohol appeared in the picture, things were starting to get risky. Well, he didn't want to turn out being rude - not to mention suspicious − as his fellow players in that godforsaken night club offered him a glass after a few rounds of gambling.

It's not like he never touched alcohol in his entire life before. Yes, blame Cross and his inability to hide things that weren't supposed to just _lay there _in the open like that, and-- How the hell was he supposed to know there was alcohol in those sweets in the first place?

Allen shook his head, not even wanting to remember how much money those chocolates were actually _worth_. It was long in the past now... Case closed.

Where was he, again? Oh, right... Kanda. Poker? ...Booze? Curse those assholes for treating him to a second glass. And a third. And− he lost count by then, really.

"Shit..." The white-haired boy muttered out loud this time, as he shifted from the door frame, wanting to move - probably towards his bed.

"That's my line− _Oi!_" Kanda only remarked as he saw Allen trip and fall to the floor clumsily.

Letting out an irritated sigh, the Japanese advanced towards the other, catching him by the arm and trying to pull the boy up to his feet. "How the hell did you manage to make it here in your condition in the first place?"

Despite himself, Allen started to chuckle.

Oh, hell... This wasn't supposed to happen. He hoped that Kanda would be already asleep - it would save him a good deal of trouble that way. Aside from making a fool out of himself in front of the other and needing to explain himself in the morning, there was one thing Allen was really, really worried about right now. Then again, maybe he wasn't.

People tended to do stupid − very stupid − things while being drunk. And the worst part was that they normally didn't give a damn while they did them.

Same went for Allen right now. He knew he'd probably wish he'd never have been born the moment he woke up tomorrow. But what did it matter, really?

"Ne, Kanda..." It was really astonishing how he was suddenly inches away from the dark-haired man's face, his arms tangled around the Japanese's neck, ignoring the uncertain look the other was giving him. "You look... peculiarly handsome today..."

It took Kanda a short while to comprehend what Allen actually wanted to get at with that remark− The sudden taste of alcohol accompanied with something warm and wet on his lips made his eyes go open wide−

Instinctively, he pushed Walker away without blinking twice.

"W-What the hell are you−" The older man stammered in disbelief, wiping his face with the sleeve of his coat.

_There, told you it was a bad idea... _Allen thought to himself, smiling. How the hell any of this was funny, he had no idea. Laying on the floor with his back pressed to the ground (Kanda's shoves were always full of force, he mused), the boy stared at the ceiling− his head was still spinning like it did. If not faster.

"You're no fun, Kanda..." The younger Exorcist complained with a pout.

Still in shock, the older man gritted his teeth angrily. He seriously couldn't believe this. Did Walker get drunk just to... No, he wouldn't fall that low, would he? For fuck's sake, this wasn't happening.

This. Wasn't. Happening.

Kanda tried to ignore the boy that was sprawled across the floor and made his way towards his bed without another word. Drunk or not, he didn't fucking care anymore. The brat could sleep on the ground like that for all he cared--

"Want me to make you feel good...?"

The dark-haired almost facepalmed himself at the question, cursing all that was holy and not. How could Walker even ask him such a thing so shamelessly?! Was he out of his fucking mind?!

"Kanda...?"

The Japanese noticed just now that Allen was already kneeling by his bed, looking at him with that alcohol-ridden gaze, cheeks stained with red (he could see the goddamn blush even in such dim light), lips slightly apart... The collar of his shirt also slightly apart...

The moment Kanda noticed he was actually _staring_, he had to look away. This was retarded. He _did not_ just get any stupid ideas. He totally _did not_ just get turned on by the sight. "You're... totally drunk."

"And you're charmingly shy." Allen smirked seductively.

The older Exorcist looked back at the boy with slightly widened eyes. What? Him? _Shy? _Was that supposed to be a joke? Didn't that idiot get the situation he was in? Couldn't he tell the difference between _being shy_ and _not wanting to_?

Bloody hell, he needed to get out of here − leave this room or something − and let Walker sober up before things got any worse and he ended up doing something he would regret. Maybe he was averse to the whole idea, especially when it came to Allen, but for God's sake, he was still human. There was also a limit to how much a guy could take.

Without giving it any more thought, Kanda stood up and passed the other without a word, advancing in the direction of the door.

"Chickening out?"

He didn't even take two steps before he stopped, turning back in Allen's direction. The boy figured he had to push the wrong − right? − button, because Kanda didn't even hesitate when he shoved him on top of the bed, self-restraint reaching critical state.

"You're the coward here, brat. Couldn't confront me without getting drunk?" The older man hissed, looming over the boy.

Allen just stared up at him intently. "...Why not use the situation?"

"Who the hell do you think I am?"

"Wow, Kanda..." The white-haired gave him that _goddamn_ smirk again, and Kanda could swear his blood was starting to boil. "You really do care about me that much."

"Like hell I do." The older man gritted his teeth, really, really trying to control himself. He wasn't letting him have this. "Fucking seductress..."

Allen chuckled at that.

"What's so fucking funny?" Kanda sounded far from amused.

"Nothing, just..." The boy smiled again, licking his lips slowly. "Your self-restraint amazes me."

The dark-haired man tensed. His eyes widened the tiniest bit as he suddenly felt something pressing against him − right onto his crotch to be exact − and it was nothing else than Walker's thigh, right between his own.

Shit... Was he really as hard as he just noticed he was?

"Kanda's blushing!~" Allen chirped, then started to laugh out loud, as if everything that he actually did so far was supposed to lead to this single moment.

The fuck... Was Walker trying to toy with him now?

The nerve of the bastard, Kanda was seriously fed up with this bullshit. He wasn't sure what Walker was trying to pull, but in all honesty, he didn't give a damn anymore. Allen was the one who started to provoke him in the first place, so he better be prepared for the consequences.

And if he wanted to blame everything on the alcohol tomorrow morning, then be his fucking guest.

"Kan−"

The white-haired boy gasped as soon as he felt the chilly air reach his naked chest − Kanda tore his shirt open with one swift move, apparently not giving a damn that a few buttons fell to the floor in the process. Allen could swear the man had the look of a demon − hesitation seemed long gone. There was fury in his eyes.

Even though Allen was drunk, his heart started beating faster from the view − and in a bad kind of way. Did he go over the line? Were things actually... starting to get dangerous?

"_Ack!_" The boy yelped as the other caught him by the wrist of his left hand and roughly pulled it to the opposite side, so that Allen was forced to turn, pressing his right shoulder to the bed. Another swift movement, and Kanda's other hand was slipping under his waist and pulling him up, so that the white-haired was facing the man with his back. They were both in a kneeling position when Kanda pulled the other closer towards himself, making Allen straddle his lap.

The younger Exorcist blushed even more when he felt the other's erection press against him through the fabric of their pants. He tensed as Kanda's hand suddenly brushed along his chest, stopping at one of his nipples. The man's other palm appeared by Allen's face, partially covering his mouth with his fingers and pulling his chin upwards and back against him.

Allen could feel the other's breath brushing against his earlobe. "Ah−nn..." The moan left his lips as Kanda pinched the sensitive flesh on his chest, and the moment the boy opened his mouth, he used the opportunity to push his fingers inside. The intrusion hindered him from closing his lips back together again, and suddenly, Allen found himself making silent, embarrassing noises.

"Take your pants off." The voice that reached the white-haired's ears all of a sudden was sharp and demanding, and it sent a shiver down his spine.

Though Allen hesitated.

"Didn't you hear me?" Kanda hissed.

Oh God, he was really pissed, the boy mused despite his drunken state.

"Don't go weak on me now. You've started this shit, now deal with it."

...What did he get himself into again?

Allen decided that thinking − or rather attempting to think − wasn't doing him any good at the moment. The alcohol was still doing a good job at messing with his mind. So what did it matter, anyway.

As ordered, the boy's hands traveled the belt of his pants, unbuckling it slowly. Though Kanda seemed to be losing his patience, as the hand that was seconds ago at Allen's chest, was now helping him in his attempt. And the dark-haired wasn't as gentle.

A few more swift movements and both Walker's pants and boxers were hanging loosely by his knees. Kanda embraced him with his arm by the waist, tugging the other close to press against him again. Allen had to close his eyes at the intensified feeling. He could feel the Japanese's erection pressing against him again, the hand back on his chest, and Kanda's breath−

"Do you have some lotion with you?" The question sounded more calm than the previous one.

Allen only shook his head weakly.

"Che." _Hn. Maybe Moyashi didn't plan this, after all. _The older man thought to himself vaguely. But that didn't change the fact that he was still the one to blame.

Allen let out a silent purr as Kanda finally pulled the fingers from his mouth away, making saliva trail down his chin, but the boy didn't even find the heart to wipe his face at the moment.

Things went more quickly from that point on, even though the white-haired boy wished they didn't. Kanda was rough − way too rough for his liking − as he stretched him with his saliva-coated fingers. Maybe it was because of the fact that patience wasn't the dark-haired's virtue, or maybe because the man was pissed at him for starting all of this in the first place, and wanted to punish him. Or maybe it was a mixture of both.

Allen wasn't prepared properly when Kanda went ahead (just used a moment to loosen the belt and unzip his own pants, leaving them on) and replaced his fingers with his hardened length, making the boy almost scream out loud in pain. Ragged breathing followed as the younger male tried his best at being more quiet, tensing and going stiff, shutting his eyes tight and clenching his teeth.

The Japanese hands were clenching the boy's hips tightly as he guided their bodies as he wished, starting to thrust into him. Kanda didn't even give him time to adjust.

"Aah..._ Agh_−_ Kan_− _S-Stop_−" Allen breathed through ragged gasps while he caught one of the man's arms with his own hand and squeezed it tightly, as if attempting to make the other stop − slow down somehow − _anything_. Unfortunately, he lacked the strength.

"First you provoke me and then you tell me to stop? You've got the nerve." Though slightly strained, Kanda's voice sounded angry again. And he apparently wasn't intent on listening.

"_Ah!_" Allen gasped as the dark-haired shoved him forward; the boy fell face-down to the bed. The lower part of his body was still held in place by the other, weakly supported by his knees. He tried to push himself up with his hands, at least managing to turn his head to the side, so that he could breathe somehow.

For a moment, all that was left to hear inside of the room were constant moans and hisses accompanied by creaks of the bed. And through the haze of it all, Kanda started to wonder... Was Allen exaggerating with his sensations (he had no idea if alcohol could actually amplify those or not?) or was he really causing the boy this much pain?

"Damn, you're loud..." The dark-haired grunted, trying to control his strained voice. And God be damned, but he had to admit that the little brat's uncontrolled moans were a big turn-on. And the sight of Allen's flushed face, even if he could see it only partly...

No, he didn't think that just now.

But it was something he found himself enjoy - way more than he ever thought he would.

It was different from last time. His senses felt as if they were on fire, the tightness of Walker's muscles around him was almost hurting him, but in a pleasurable way.

Kanda didn't need to wait long before he reached the edge.

Allen apparently didn't, but he hardly gave a damn right now. He figured the brat could use a lesson.

A short moment passed before the dark-haired pulled away, leaving the younger boy to finally fall to the bed on his stomach. Both tried to even their breaths out.

About five minutes have passed in silence.

"_Oi_, you alive?" Kanda was the one to speak first, as he shifted on the bed and leaned slightly in the other boy's direction, looking at him curiously. Moyashi had his eyes closed and just lay there, his cheeks still pink.

If the dark-haired didn't know better, he would say that the kid looked really innocent right about now.

"Kanda..." Allen murmured weakly, almost hardly audible.

Despite himself, the older man leaned even closer, expecting that Walker was going to continue and say something. But he didn't. So Kanda had to ask. "What?"

And at that moment the white-haired boy shifted to the side and threw his arms around the older man's neck, then slowly pulled him down to the mattress with him.

"Sleepyyy..." The boy yawned, keeping his eyes closed the whole time.

Kanda was startled by the gesture at first, though the moment the smell of alcohol reached his nose again, he concluded that Walker was still drunk and wasn't fully aware of what he was doing. He wouldn't say that he was comfortable with Moyashi clinging to him like that, but...

To hell with it, he felt tired as well.

Reaching for the blanket that by some strange coincidence ended up lying on the floor, he covered both himself and Allen with it.

Then he let out a deep sigh.

...What did he get himself into again?

* * *

**Nayru's Note: **This is, like, the longest chapter I've written so far. And I'm dying, but I enjoyed every part of it.

One thing I need to clarify, since a bunch of people kept bugging me about it**: **

**No, this isn't an AreKan fic. It's **_**Yullen**_**.**

Just because Kanda let Allen be on top that one, _one_ time doesn't really change the fact. Kanda wasn't acting all 'teary-eyed-fragile-and-weak' while he agreed to what he agreed, he still kept his seme-ish side, and − in all honesty − I can't picture Kanda going all uke on me, either. It was a one-way ticket and will probably never happen again. There are actually two reasons why I wrote something like that in the first place.

First of all, I wanted to add some variety to the story. And second − it was based on Kanda's reasoning. While he was somehow feeling indebted to Allen for saving him, he was also curious - yes, _curious_ - about what Allen decided to go through for him. Fair enough?


	12. Worst hangover ever

**Warnings:** Angst, Yullen talk, sexual themes, some lemony-stuff.

* * *

**~Gone Forever~  
Chapter 12: Worst hangover ever**

**

* * *

**

_Water..._ Was the first unspoken plea that came from Allen the moment he came to his senses. He's never felt such thirst for something to drink in his whole entire life before, he admitted to himself in his dazed state.

The next thing that registered in his brain was the headache. It wasn't as painful as it was unnerving, though. But the totally worst part was probably the feeling in his gut; the feeling of sickness to his stomach – overwhelming and intense, almost making him want to vomit.

Hell, he felt horrible.

Purring in dissatisfaction and wrinkling his eyebrows, Allen shifted to the other side, not bothering to open his eyes just yet. He was attempting to recall the reason behind his current state, when–

Wait, didn't he just brush his hand against something warm? Something that definitely wasn't a wall of a bed sheet. It almost felt like...

The boy opened his eyes. Then blinked a few times, trying to register the sight before him.

_Oh my God..._

Allen's mind started to scream at him, slowly comprehending _everything_.

_Oh my God... Oh my... God._

Yes, that's exactly how Kanda's sleeping face looked like.

He didn't need to wait any longer before he pulled his hand from the other's naked chest away, praying to God that his movement didn't wake the Japanese up.

"_Ow_–" Trying to get into a sitting position, he stopped in his attempt at any further movements, feeling the sudden jolt of pain that flashed though the lower part of his body. _Dear God, don't tell me... We didn't... _

Even more horror struck when he noticed that he was actually _naked_.

Not looking forward to any of it, the boy lifted the bed cover up, just enough to be able to look underneath it. And just like he feared, the sight he witnessed under the sheets left very little to the imagination.

Okay, maybe he wasn't entirely naked – he still had his socks on.

_We so did..._ Allen finally admitted to himself, groaning. For a moment there he hoped it was just a messed up dream, but the sight of his thighs was enough to confirm him wrong, still covered in dried trails of... something red and white.

He remembered almost everything that happened during the past night. Or at least he thought that he did.

_Dear God, I did... And then... And Kanda... And I..._

"What's with that face?"

Allen's heart almost jumped to his throat, making his insides twirl, when he heard the all too familiar voice. Kanda was awake? Dear Lord, what was he supposed to tell him now? How was he supposed to face him? What was he supposed to do?

"K-Kanda..." Was all the boy muttered out before he abruptly threw himself back to the bed, pulling the covers over his head, as if trying to hide himself from the other's presence. God, he felt so ashamed of himself...

"_Oi_, what the hell are you trying to pull?" The older male asked irritably, though his voice sounded surprisingly calm at the same time. He tried to jerk the sheets away, though not putting much heart into the attempt. "Stop acting like a five year old."

When no further response came, Kanda started to pull even harder, though Allen still wasn't giving in. Then the man started to wonder why the hell he gave a damn in the first place. If Walker didn't want to talk to him, then why should he care? And here he was, actually trying to be considerate for once.

"Che." The Japanese hissed before he laid back down on the bed, turning to the other side, so that he was facing the boy with his back now. He suddenly started to feel angry, both at Allen and at himself somehow.

"K-Kanda, I..." Allen muttered after a moment of silence, sticking his head out a few inches, so that only his eyes emerged from behind the covers. He turned in the other man's direction - only to be greeted by his back. But truth to be told, the fact actually made Allen more relieved. It was... easier this way. "I'm sorry."

The Japanese grunted in irritation. "You'd better be."

Awkward silence followed.

* * *

"Are you asleep?"

It's been somewhere around twenty minutes after both of them fell quiet and not even dared to move an inch.

"I just woke up, why the hell should I be asleep?"

Well, so much for trying to make the situation any less awkward.

"I need some water... Or I'm going to die." Allen whined.

"Go get some, then."

"...Right." The boy agreed, hesitating a bit. Finally moving, he tried to get into a sitting position, apparently forgetting not to go too abruptly while at it. "_Ow_–"

"Che." Kanda suddenly hissed, growling. "Stay where you are."

Allen blinked in surprise, wondering if he was hearing things or did his yelp really bring an unexpected reaction from the dark-haired man.

Next thing he knew, Kanda was getting to his feet. The only thing that terrified him, however, was the fact that the Japanese wanted to take the bed cover with him while at it. There would be no problem if they had separate two of those.

"H-Hey!" Allen blushed, pulling the fabric back towards himself, praying that Kanda would get the idea. He didn't want to leave him naked here like this, did he? And–

The boy shivered. He noticed just now how chilly the air in the room actually was.

"What the hell are you so embarrassed about?" The dark-haired man snapped, pulling on the cover even harder. And for the very first time since they woke up, he actually turned in the kid's direction and looked him in the face. The action seemed to have put Allen a bit out of track, because he went still at it.

And they stared at each other for a few seconds in silence.

"Jesus fucking Christ." Kanda was the first to move, muttering the curse under his breath, as he averted his gaze elsewhere. He let go of the goddamned sheet and turned to the other side, bending himself. He apparently looked for something on the floor.

The rustle of fabric told Allen that he had found what he was looking for. And then Kanda was finally on his feet with the Exorcist uniform tangled around his waist, making his way towards the bathroom.

It didn't even take a minute before the dark-haired man was back, approaching the boy with a glass of water.

"Here." Kanda almost threw it him in the face and sat back on the bed, with his back turned to the boy again.

"Ah..." The younger male was dumbfounded from the gesture at first, but accepted the gift without hesitating too much. "Thanks..."

And with one go, he swallowed the contents of the glass quickly.

Suddenly, Kanda sighed irritably. "So, where the hell have you been?"

Allen raised his face up from the glass and looked at the other man in awe. Now this he truly didn't expect.

Was it just him, or was Kanda really acting kind of... _nice_ – as far as the word 'nice' could go along with Kanda – ever since he woke up today?

"I've been to a night club." Allen admitted, choosing to submit to the question and not attempt to start another fight for the moment. It was weird enough for the Japanese to try and start such a conversation in the first place, so he didn't want to mess things up. "...Earning money."

"What?"

"Um, playing poker." The boy quickly added before the other could get any weird ideas.

"You can't be serious..."

"I am."

"Che." Kanda went silent for a moment before he added: "And the alcohol?"

"Uh, that..." Allen hesitated, feeling mortification kicking in. "Wasn't planned..."

"Someone got you drunk?"

The more Kanda went on with the questions, the more surprised Allen became.

"You could, uh..." The white-haired started, but then decided that it was no use in lying. At least not when the other was asking him this with such sincerity in his voice. "No, not really. I... I didn't want to turn their offer down, for they would have stopped playing with me."

"You did it all for money?"

"Well... yeah?"

"Are you an idiot?"

"What's so idiotic about it?" Allen frowned, angered by the remark. "We need money to go on, if you haven't noticed yet, BaKanda! Just because you get some from the Order doesn't mean I still can!"

Well, maybe the kid did have a point. But still... "Ever considered _telling_ me about it? Instead of running away to God-knows-where and doing God-knows-what, leaving me to wonder what's going on in that messed up head of yours?"

The younger male fell silent, blinking at the other in disbelief.

"The Order provides me with money that would last for more than the both of us with ease. There are just a few of us Exorcists left by now, if you haven't noticed yet. They higher-ups aren't as stingy as they used to be. Not after we became so crucial to them in the past few months." Kanda explained, slightly surprised with himself alone from getting so talkative all of a sudden. But anyway– "You could have just asked me, you know."

Allen's mouth was agape by now, looking as if he'd seriously just seen a ghost. Was Kanda for real? "...I can't believe you just said that."

And he meant it, because he couldn't recognize the Japanese right now. Compared to the three days back, where Kanda acted way, way more rude towards him than ever before, he threw something like this at him now? Allen was seriously confused. He didn't understand the man's mood changes in the slightest. No, seriously, _was Kanda for real_?

The boy kept staring at him not any less dumbfounded when the older Exorcist turned back in his direction, looking him in the eyes. Kanda still had his usual frown on his face, but it was... different, though Allen wasn't sure how to describe that difference altogether.

He looked... more gentle, maybe?

And then, all of a sudden, Kanda's features changed back to his usual ones as he narrowed his eyes, giving the other a suspicious look.

"If it's sex you wanted–"

Allen didn't even think before he reacted to that, eyes going wide even more than they were before, blood rushing to his cheeks at the speed of light. "N-No! Of course not!" He yelled, frowning and not averting his gaze from the other, though it was hard. "Don't be stupid, Kanda!"

The dark-haired man's seriousness didn't lessen even the tiniest bit. "Why are you blushing like a goddamn tomato right now, then? Did I hit the nail on the spot?"

Walker seriously wanted the bed sheets to swallow him whole, or let his body disperse how it almost did at the Asian Branch not that long ago – anything to make him run away from the other male right now. He didn't like where this conversation was going. If he didn't watch out with his reactions, things might get _really_ uncomfortable.

"No! And it's because you keep asking me such embarrassing questions to begin with!" Allen fired back, his voice angry. "Who do you think I am! Not everyone's such a pervert like you!"

Definitely over the line, but the boy wanted for it to go there.

"What the fuck–" Kanda snapped, more than offended from the remark. "Who are you calling a pervert, you twisted little–"

Allen stiffened when the other suddenly flew at him, pressing his wrists to the mattress, deeming him immobile. Dear God, he wanted to die. "See what I'm talking about? Let go of me, you bastard!"

"You're the one who provoked me yesterday, if you don't remember!" Kanda roared back, sitting on top of the boy's waist, and Allen thanked all that was holy that there was the Exorcist uniform and the thick bed cover separating them right now. At least from his hips and below. "You fucking seductress!"

"I'm not–" The snow-haired started to struggle and grinded himself against the other, creating a friction that was far from welcomed at the moment. "Ugh...!" Allen wanted to die, he seriously wanted to die! "I-It's not my fault you got turned on by a _stupid Moyashi_, you asshole!" And he did it again, despite himself. Bloody hell– "Get off of me!"

"Goddamn, are you even aware of what you're doing...?"

The question made Allen open his eyes, realizing just now that he even closed them to begin with.

He went still, noticing that his breathing was sped up and ragged - just like Kanda's was... And he looked at the other male, but his eyes were closed and he seemed pissed, teeth pressed together tightly and an anger vein visible at his forehead.

What the white-haired wasn't aware of were the thousands of questions and statements running through the other's head.

"_Ngh_..." Suddenly, Allen moaned, feeling as the dark-haired pressed into him in return, making his brain go all fuzzy around the edges. "K-Kan- _Agh_...!" Dear God, what the hell was going on, he didn't get any of it anymore!

The older Exorcist grinded into him again, making him moan even louder from the friction – which was far from unpleasant, mind you – but still–

Allen didn't know when his legs even ended up tangled around Kanda's waist to begin with, but they were there, with all the fabric still between them, and– "Ah... _Aah_...!" He breathed between moans, grinding into the man, answering the other's thrusts with his own.

They lost themselves in the pace – filled with moans, gasps and hisses – Allen throwing his arms around the dark-haired's neck somewhere in the process, bringing him closer, but not kissing – not daring to kiss him right now – only hugging tightly, holding on to the other as if his life depended on it.

And it was over faster than he thought it would be.

Orgasm kicking in, Allen moaned loudly as waves of pleasure overtook his body mercilessly. And for a few seconds he had no idea what was happening afterwards, his mind going completely blank from the overwhelming sensation.

When he came to, Kanda was still lying on top of him, Allen's limbs tangled around the man like they were before. Both boys were trying to even their breathing out.

The dark-haired suddenly moved, pulling away abruptly, but since the boy didn't let go, he brought both of them to a sitting position.

Resting his chin on the Japanese's shoulder, Allen stared at the wall in front of him.

Brilliant. Fucking brilliant.

"God, how I hate you..." Kanda was the one to speak first, the words flowing through clenched teeth, apparently regret getting the best of him after all was said and done.

"Likewise." The younger of the two only remarked half-heartedly in return.

* * *

Half an hour later the two were lying apart from each other on the bed again (Allen shoved away from the Japanese, as usual), their backs pressed together. Both were lost in their own thoughts, engulfed in silence as minutes passed by.

Allen had no idea what to think anymore. What the hell had happened just now? Was he the one who started it? Or did Kanda start it? Did they both start it? Why did they start any of it in the first place? _No... He pressed me onto the mattress first. He's the one who started it! _Why did Allen feel even more guilty and mad at himself while thinking that, he had no idea. Moreover, even if Kanda _had_ started it, why did he... go on with it?

The Japanese suddenly sighed, loud and irritated. Hand pressed against his forehead, he had his eves closed, obviously mad at himself way more than the boy was.

"I'm not..." Kanda suddenly started, and Allen wasn't sure if it was just his imagination, or if the man's voice really sounded as uncertain as he thought it did. "Like _that_..."

The white-haired boy blinked a few times, trying to comprehend the actual meaning behind the words. And it seemed that he was right about the uncertainty thing. Kanda himself was apparently confused by the topic itself, though Allen was surprised that the man started it all by himself in the first place.

Did Kanda want to... talk about it?

"Me neither." Allen admitted in return, then turned silent for a short moment, as if thinking about something. "It's just... I don't mind if it's you, I guess."

The boy could feel an abrupt motion at the remark. "The hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Ah– Um..." The younger Exorcist stammered, suddenly realizing that he definitely put too much honesty and information in that statement. Kanda might get the wrong idea– or rather, get the _right_ idea, which was something Allen wanted as the last thing in the world to happen right now. "I mean– You're like a girl, anyway." He added without thinking.

"The fuck?" To Allen's dissatisfaction, the words caused the other man to move again. And the motion was way more daring than last time.

Black orbs locked with the boy's silver ones, and butterflies started to flutter inside of Allen's stomach all of a sudden.

There was something... different in Kanda's gaze. Something Allen couldn't define (curiosity? intrigue? ..._affection_?), and the moment he realized it, he wished that he never did. Because it couldn't be true, Kanda would never look at him that way – especially not after what happened last night – and _now_...

"Which part of me do you consider _girly_, Moyashi?"

The boy was suddenly at a loss for words, knowing full well that his remark was more than inappropriate. The dark-haired man was anything but feminine, now that Allen thought about it; with his masculine body, harsh treatment, and most of all: 'in-your-face' attitude.

"Um... Your hair?" The younger male asked rather than stated, throwing the only thing that actually came to his mind beside the former.

Kanda raised an eyebrow. "Like you're the one to talk." One of his hands traveled to the other boy's white locks, tugging on them lightly. "Haven't seen yourself in the mirror lately, have you?"

A few minutes later Allen was left without doubt to the ambiguity behind that statement.

* * *

Before he brought himself to say anything back, he dark-haired man moved his hand from the boy's hair to his right wrist, bringing the boy's hand in front of both of them.

"Hasn't your wound healed yet?" The Japanese's voice turned sharp again, making the other widen his eyes at the question.

He still had the piece of cloth wrapped around his hand, after all - and in all honesty, he was lucky that Kanda didn't ask him about it earlier. Still, Allen couldn't help the sudden panic the topic had caused, making his heart race like crazy.

"Ah, no... It hasn't..." Allen answered, trying to sound calm, but not really succeeding.

Well, he did tell the truth, actually...

"Let me see it."

The next moment, the white-haired boy tried to yank his hand away instinctively. "No." He said, though Kanda seemed far from satisfied with the answer, the grip on the wrist not weakening. "I said no– Let go of me, Kanda!"

"Show it to me." Allen tried to free his hand even more forcefully, but the Japanese wasn't intending to have him any of it.

"Let go!" The boy struggled even more, shifting on the bed altogether, though the moment he tried to escape, the other pulled him back in place again. "Ah– Stop it!" Allen grimaced, closing his eyes. "You're hurting me–"

"Stop trashing about, then I won't!" Kanda growled, pressing the younger boy with his hands down to the mattress, making him immobile, and looked him straight in the eyes. "What are you trying to hide?"

Allen only made an angry face, shifting his gaze to the side. "Nothing."

"Stop lying to me."

For a short while the boy's face expression didn't change. But then he blinked a few times, his features turned into more puzzled ones, then uncertain – confused? – finally to be filled with what Kanda figured was... sadness?

Allen relaxed more, as if giving the sign that he wouldn't fight back anymore.

And so, without hesitating too much, Kanda started to untie the black fabric from the hand in question.

...Right, he should have known it would come to this sooner or later. Was he a fool? How could he even hope to hide this secret from his friends forever? He was just postponing the inevitable. And now, of all the times, when maybe, just maybe, things started going in the direction he'd like them to go in...

He should have said something. Warn the other before he saw it, explain himself, _anything_–

_You'll hate me even more..._

But his lungs felt heavy all of a sudden, making it hard to breathe. No, he wouldn't cry over something like this. What was he, a crybaby? It was stupid.

"What the hell..."

There. His hand was finally free to see. And now...

"Moyashi, what the hell is this?"

Allen couldn't even look at the other as he spoke. "What does it look like, BaKa-?"

Before he could finish, the Japanese was at his throat, while his other limb was still griping the hand that had a beautiful stigmata carved onto it. Allen wasn't sure whether the man wanted to choke him on the spot or if he just wanted to keep him firmly in place, deeming him harmless.

"If you were trying to seduce me just to–"

"Of course not, you moron!" Allen burst out like a volcano, catching the other by the hand with his Innocence. Seriously now, he couldn't believe that asshole! Did everything in his deprived brain revolve around sex or what! "Stop jumping to idiotic conclusions so fast all the goddamn time!"

The boy yelped when the other pressed against his neck with even more force, cutting his air circulation off.

"Look at me." Kanda hissed in such a low voice that it sent a chill down the boy's spine.

And Allen did, opening his eyes and turning them to the other's, showing a pained scowl on his face. What he was surprised to see in the older Exorcist's features was the lack of disgust and hatred – if anything else, Kanda looked simply confused. Well, and maybe a little bit pissed.

"Now start explaining or I'm going to cut your fucking head off!" The white-haired stiffened at the words, but then the lack of oxygen made itself apparent way more than before. His lungs burned. He couldn't catch a breath. Was Kanda seriously intending to choke him to death? "Are you a fucking Noah, Walker?"

"No–" Allen couldn't even speak properly anymore. "And I would– If you'd let– me–" Before he knew it, his vision was being consumed by black spots, shortly followed by complete darkness.

* * *

_**Don't die on me yet, Walker~**_

Eyes going open wide, he breathed in – so hard that it hurt his lungs as if it was molten lava flowing in, not air – then he breathed in again. Panting so hard that it almost sounded as if he was moaning, Allen tried to even his breathing out with difficulty. Suddenly, he started to feel lightheaded and weak.

"Dear Lord..." Did Kanda just try to kill him?

Wait– Why was he lying on the floor?

"Breathe."

Allen looked up, only to confirm that the voice indeed belonged to the dark-haired man, who was currently looming over him and staring at him with a blank expression on his face.

"What was that for... You asshole, you almost..." The boy couldn't stop himself complain, speaking between breaths. "Kanda..."

"I believe you."

Allen went still. "...Huh? What?"

"If you were a Noah, you would have tried to kill me by now." The Japanese said in a calm voice. Then, getting up to his feet, he marched into the bathroom, just like last time.

The younger male blinked a few times, slightly out of it. Kanda wasn't trying to tell him that he nearly killed him just to check if a goddamn Noah would awake in him and stop the man in his attempt, right? Was the idiot for real? Seriously, did Kanda always have to do everything the extreme way? Because, really, he could have fucking killed him there. Like, for real.

On the other hand, maybe he did have a point. If Kanda wasn't taking any of his words for granted, now he had... more concrete kind of proof.

Suddenly, Allen felt himself being pulled up, a hand pressing into his back, bringing him to a sitting position. The Japanese was back by his side again, another glass of water present in his hand.

Oh, water was a good idea – his throat did feel unbearably dry.

"But you still have a lot of explaining to do." Kanda remarked, as he watched Walker swallow the contents of the glass hastily.

The boy inhaled and exhaled deeply when he was finished, waiting a few seconds for the burning in his chest to subside a little more.

"Yeah... I'll tell you everything."

Maybe things wouldn't go as bad as he assumed, after all. Or maybe they would.

Hell, only time was bound to tell.

* * *

**Nayru's Note:** The more I read other people's fanfiction and look back to the previous chapters of this story, the more I think that I suck at writing. Seriously, some of the writers out there leave me in awe of their writing style, ideas and portrayal of the characters, not to mention the pace they write in.

But it's a good kind of motivation, making me want to improve all the more myself, I guess. Because it does work that way. Well, I never considered myself to be a writer in the literal sense of the word to begin with, but still... It involves Yullen, and I'm always passionate about my work when it comes to, well, things I put a lot of heart into. And Yullen ate my soul.

About this chapter, I can only say that things went totally out of control at one point for me, and I made something happen that wasn't supposed to happen. Now I'm mad at myself for it, because it is bound to influence the plot later on. On the other hand, I couldn't bring myself to change it after I made it happen already, so to hell with it.


	13. Cold December

Merry Yullen Christmas, everyone! :D

**Warnings:** Bad language, blood like WHOA, the usual angst and... omg, some fluff?

* * *

**~Gone Forever~  
Chapter 13: Cold December**

**

* * *

**

"...Kanda, how did you know the mark on my hand was a stigmata, anyway?" Allen asked, as he looked at the tray of food on his lap, holding two loafs of bread and some soup.

"Does it look like anything else to you?" Kanda deadpanned.

"Well, I mean... Sure, the Noah have stigmatas on their foreheads, but… Did you ever see it on their hands?" The boy asked, trying to make a point. But the moment he formed the question, he stopped in his attempt at eating.

Just then it came to him; how could've he missed it? At the time when he fought with Tyki Mikk back at the Ark, when the Noah changed his appearance... Stigmatas appeared on his hands, too, didn't they? He could recall all the black blood that poured from the cross-shaped wounds.

Allen noticed that Kanda was giving him a suspicious look, so he decided to shake it off by starting his meal as if nothing.

"I've read about it in the books found in the Order's library." The Japanese answered after a moment, resting his chin on his hand. "There's not that much information in regards to it, and most of it is superstition, anyway... But it did say some stuff about it."

"Oh... Wow, I never thought about that." It would make sense, actually. What place would have books in regards to the topic if not the Order? "You probably know more about it than I do, then..."

"Right, whatever." The Japanese growled, apparently not pleased with Walker's response. "I'm still waiting for an explanation. And you're not going anywhere once I get one."

"Right, so..." Allen trailed off, pausing for a moment, as he put away the food on the tray. "You remember the white room in the old Ark? The one where the piano stood..."

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Everything started there, I guess..." The white-haired sighed, turning silent for another moment. "Once my Master threw me in there... That's where I've seen the Fourteenth's shadow for the first time, reflecting in the window's surface."

"The Fourteenth?"

"The Fourteenth Noah. The Noah of Creation. The Musician. Call him what you want... He's the Noah who betrayed the Earl and turned against him."

"What the hell does he have to do with you?" Kanda asked impatiently.

"Ever since I entered the Fourteenth's room... I've been able to see him. Or his shadow, rather. It's... It's looming behind me, whenever I look in a mirror, or some kind of other reflective surface."

Allen stopped, waiting for some kind of reaction from the dark-haired man. But the moment he looked at said person, Kanda was simply staring at him with an raised eyebrow.

Well, that would certainly explain why Walker tended to cover mirrors whenever he saw one in a new room they arrived at, the dark-haired noted.

"Keh." Kanda made a weird noise while he looked away, closing his eyes. Allen had no idea if that was supposed to be something akin to a laugh or not.

"You don't believe me." The white-haired concluded. He should have seen it coming, really. "Well, I can't blame you..."

"No, I can't believe... how much in common we actually have." The man's voice was bitter.

"Huh?" Now Allen seemed confused.

"We're both cursed, we both see things that weren't supposed to be there. How messed up will this get?" He asked, speaking more to himself than to anyone else.

"Kanda, you..." The younger male blinked, startled. "Do you see the Fourteenth as well?"

The Japanese remained silent for a moment before he finally spoke. "No."

"You see something else, then?" Allen tried again.

"No." The man denied. "Continue your story."

"That's not fair, you know?"

"Life's not fair, Moyashi."

"No way, really?" Allen growled in dissatisfaction. "You've started it, now finish it."

"You're also in the middle of something, brat."

A short moment of pause. "Equal trade?"

"No, you owe me this explanation. I owe you shit."

"I could argue with that."

"What?"

"Nothing." Allen added quickly, looking away. "So, anyway. Like you already know, after I left the Order, I met with my Master by coincidence."

"By coincidence?"

"Yes, I came to Britain in order to visit someone, and my Master was already waiting for me there in this person's stead. He predicted that would be the first place I'd come to..."

"Way to go for being unpredictable." Kanda remarked. "What did Cross tell you?"

"A lot of things..." Allen trailed off, saddening a bit.

Well, this was it. And the faster he let it all out, the better, the boy figured. There was no turning back on the subject anymore, anyway. Let Kanda think what he wanted, it would be the truth and the truth alone.

"That the Fourteenth and Mana were actually brothers... That Mana implanted the Fourteenth's memories in me..." The white-haired started, deciding to explain everything in one go.

"Who−"

"That I'm necessary for his revival. That I−" _That I will kill someone I love after he awakens..._

"−the fuck is Mana?" The Japanese interrupted Allen angrily.

"My father... My foster father." The white-haired explained immediately. "The man who adopted me when I was still a child. The one I turned into an Akuma after he died, not long before Cross found me..." A sad smile appeared on the boy's face, and it was apparent the words were hard for him to say.

"Stop." Kanda demanded, closing his eyes, suddenly remembering something he wanted to long forget himself. "Back to the Fourteenth, because you hardly made sense with him just now."

Allen looked at Kanda with a blank expression, only to avert his gaze elsewhere a second later, clenching his fists subconsciously. "Supposedly... The Fourteenth will take over me eventually."

The Japanese frowned at the boy, looking angry as hell. "What do you mean, 'take over'?"

"I'm turning into a Noah, Kanda." Allen said it out straight in a surprisingly sharp tone, as if he were pissed at the matter himself. "Well, not yet, but—"

"You−"

The next moment, Mugen was being pointed in the white-haired's direction, making him frown.

"For the love of God, would you stop with the constant weapon threatening?" Both of the boys' eyes met in a fierce gaze. "Because I'm not going to kill you anytime soon, honest."

Kanda gritted his teeth, staring at the other male cautiously. "You were lying to me back then."

"No, I wasn't." Allen countered the words with equal bitterness. "Because neither Mana nor the Fourteenth had foreseen one small detail that would make the whole plan unworkable."

The Japanese narrowed his eyes, seeming actually calm in regards to the situation. "And that would be?"

"Innocence, Kanda." The white-haired answered as a matter-of-factly. "Innocence and Noah oppose eachother, don't they? They destroy oneanother."

"That they do." Kanda admitted, getting the point. "But a person can live without a fucking arm, Walker."

"True, but a person can't live without a functioning heart, can they?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"It's kind of ironic, actually... Because this is all Tyki Mikk's fault." A slight smile appeared on the boy's lips as he said it. "Remember the time when I was missing in action and you arrived at Edo with everyone else? Before the Asian branch found me and took me in, I had a small encounter with Mikk. He destroyed my Innocence and tried to kill me by letting the Tease feed on my heart." It was astonishing how Allen could talk about it so easily by now, he was surprised with it himself. "But my Innocence saved me then, by patching the hole in my heart and becoming part of it."

"That's…" The Japanese was a loss for words, looking startled by the information.

"Now do you understand? If the Fourteenth took over me, he'd probably die on the spot."

"But… This is just speculation, isn't it? Is he even aware of this?"

"Yeah, I managed to talk to him about it already… And he admitted me right."

"You can actually _talk_ with him?"

"Yeah, I know it sounds fishy, but either way... What I want to say is that I won't be of a threat to you guys, as things stand." The white-haired Exorcist explained, looking Kanda straight in the eyes. "The Fourteenth won't take over me if he's not stupid. And if he is and still tries to, I won't let him do it. If he still manages to do it somehow, he'll die. Whatever option, the Fourteenth loses. That's all there is to it."

Silence fell upon the room, and Kanda apparently wanted to take a moment to process everything properly.

It worried him, actually. He was suspicious in regards to the fact whether what Walker assumed was really true; whether he didn't overlook any details. It was still all theory, was it not? What if the Noah somehow managed to find a way to take over his body without getting killed? What also worried him − as much as he hated to admit it − was the fact that once it happened… Allen would actually die, too.

They were both cursed, they both saw things that weren't supposed to be here... They both killed someone dear to them in the past. And now… Kanda realized both of them had a fucking time limit that was devouring on the time they still had as they spoke.

And as much as Kanda could control his curse by either slowing it down by not getting hurt, or quickening it by whim while healing his wounds, could Allen actually postpone the process of a Noah taking over him?

Closing his eyes, the Japanese sighed tiredly. "On who's side is that son of a bitch, anyway?"

Allen frowned at the question. "That's also something I'd like to know. He hardly answered any of my questions so far, and…" The boy's gaze turned unnaturally dark. "I _swear_, he gets on my nerves, the way he acts."

_We have another thing in common, then…_ Kanda thought to himself angrily, cursing the stupid lotus flowers he's been seeing ever since he could remember.

"I've talked to him only twice or thrice, and only during the last conversation did I manage to stop myself from breaking the mirror."

"So you can talk to him through mirrors."

"Or any other reflective surface, actually." Allen added. "But I couldn't hear him at first." The boy turned to look at his right limb. "The first time I started to hear his voice was when the stigmata appeared on my hand..."

"When did it happen, anyway?"

"Oh, yeah, speaking of which..." The white-haired started, averting his gaze to the floor. "Right before we left the Order, when you found me in the bathroom. That's when. That's also when I could hear the Fourteenth for the first time... And for whatever reason, he was crying back then. I guess his sorrow affected me as well... I felt so sad and pissed then, I couldn't control myself."

Kanda fell silent for a moment. "Well, that would explain some things. And that would also explain why the Order wants to lock you up. I can't blame them."

"Yeah, if my Master knew about it... Then Komui and Central are probably aware of it by now as well."

"And they haven't told us a word about it." Kanda gritted his teeth in annoyance.

"With Rouvelier in the picture, why doesn't that surprise me?" Allen only shook his shoulders.

* * *

"Moyashi..." The dark-haired man looked at the other with seriousness in his eyes. "What are you planning to do now?"

"That's a good question." The boy yawned and fell with his back down to the bed, stretching lazily. "I'm a tad lost, to be honest. I'd like to look for my Master again, but I don't even know where to start with that. Tim doesn't seem to sense him anymore."

"Didn't he leave you any clues?"

"None."

"You're so fucked."

"...Tell me about it."

There was a moment of silence.

"You never planned to go back to the Order with me to begin with, did you?" Kanda asked the question in a surprisingly calm voice.

And more silence followed, as Allen opened his eyes lazily, looking at the ceiling above him. "…Sorry."

The moment Kanda left the room, the boy saddened and started to worry. Shifting to sit on the bed, he looked at the closed door of the room, wondering where the dark-haired took of to. And whether he'd even come back.

He knew he lied to Kanda again. But because of the circumstances, could the Japanese really blame him for it? Even though he was used to not telling the whole truth all the time, the realization of lying to the dark-haired like that made a pang of guilt rise in his chest.

He didn't want it to end like this.

* * *

"Where the hell do you think you're going?"

Allen went still as he gripped the door-handle of the outside door and looked back over his shoulder, noticing the Japanese.

"Kanda… You're still here. I thought you left."

"Are you stupid? After all you have told me, you expect me to leave you alone?"

The white-haired turned silent for a moment. "Right, The Fourteenth. You're going to keep watch over me."

"It would be stupid to ignore it."

"Kanda, you…" Allen took a deep breath. "Can I ask something of you?"

The dark-haired stood still, staring at Walker intently.

"If the Fourteenth somehow manages to take over me after all… And he proves to be a threat to the Order…" The boy trailed off, looking away from the other man.

Kanda couldn't help but grit his teeth unconsciously, understanding where this conversation was going. Sudden flashbacks of a past encounter assaulted him. They weren't as painful anymore, but the sole thought of letting this situation repeat itself pissed him off to no end.

"I−"

"I will kill him with my own hands." The Japanese's voice was sharp like a razor, just like his gaze was. "I can assure you of that."

Allen kept staring Kanda in the eyes, a small, sad smile appearing on his lips. "Okay. Thanks."

With that, the older of the two turned away. "For now… Let's hope it won't come to the worst case scenario." His voice sounded surprisingly reassuring all of a sudden.

The boy could only nod. "I won't go down without a fight."

* * *

The two Exorcists have taken their leave from the hotel sometime in the afternoon. Kanda suggested they should travel by night, since the probability of being spotted by anyone (anyone as in either someone from the Order or the Noah) at that time was smaller than it would have been by day light. In all honesty, Allen couldn't argue with that.

The white-haired boy breathed into his fists, the gust of air warming his numb hands. The month of December was particularly cold this year. Well, it was winter, after all, but the fact that they were currently in Britain made the low degrees a bit unusual. From what Allen was aware of, England wasn't usually this cold.

Looking at the street before him, the boy took in all the snow-covered roads and buildings. He knew that it wasn't the best of times to admire environments, but the sight was so lovely that it didn't let him pass any of it unnoticed. And somehow… It reminded him of something, but he couldn't figure out what.

Suddenly, Allen stopped in his tracks.

Alerted by the gesture, Kanda ceased to walk as well, turning in the boy's direction. Walker was frowning in confusion, staring at the road before him, giving the impression as if something wasn't right.

"What's wrong?" Kanda asked instinctively, frowning as well.

But he didn't get an answer; the boy just stood still.

_No, no, please don't let it be it... _Allen's thoughts started to scream at him desperately. Just now he noticed a weird kind of tingling in his feet, which was far from a good sign. If he guessed right what was about to come, he sure as hell wasn't looking forward to the upcoming turn of events.

"Kanda, we need to find some shelter." The white-haired finally spoke, his voice dead-serious. "And we need to do it fast."

The boy tried to resume his walking by moving forward, but the moment he tried to make a step, he fell to his knees with a surprised yelp.

"Oi!" Kanda approached the other without hesitation, kneeling beside him, placing a hand on Walker's shoulder. "Moyashi?"

Allen didn't move. He felt so mad at himself now. He knew such a thing could happen, and yet, he didn't warn Kanda of the possibility. Just because he dearly hoped it never would actually happen.

The boy suddenly winced, gritting his teeth.

There it was, the feeling as if someone just pierced through his flesh with a blade, sharp and merciless, and the sting could only remind him of a feeling he was very well familiar with by now. It was the same as last time, when the cross-shaped stigmata appeared on his hand.

The way the boy kept staring at his legs didn't leave Kanda clueless to the fact what was going on.

"_Ow−"_

A sudden push made the white-haired fall backwards, his behind pressing to the cold carpet of snow lying on the road. Without saying anything, Kanda started taking one of his shoes off.

"Kanda?" Allen looked at the man in confusion.

"You idiot, why aren't you telling me anything?" The dark-haired cursed, as he saw the clear-white snow beneath him take on the color of crimson, blood pouring from the feet so immensely that it made him worry.

"It didn't− _ow−_! It didn't happen to my legs before..." Allen tensed as a particularly sharp wave of pain flashed through his feet. "_Ow, ow, ow−"_

Kanda took out a scroll of bandage from his bag and tended to Walker's feet immediately. Allen breathed heavily into the cold air, letting himself fall, back pressing to the cold street. He made all effort not to scream out loud as the pain intensified.

The Japanese's treatment didn't hurt as much as the actual stinging in his flesh did, and by far the pain seemed even worse than the one that assaulted his hand. Whether it was because of the fact that his feet were more sensitive, or whether because the pain took liking to both of his legs at the same time, Allen wasn't sure. It still hurt like a−

"_Agh!_" The white-haired yelped as another wave of numbing pain flashed through him, making his eyes water. Messy memories of his last assault came, making him worried and scared, if not terrified. If he was bound to go through all of this for another hour or so − like he did when his hand was involved − he... He seriously wanted to die now.

A sudden pull made him snap out of his thoughts and next thing he knew, he was being raised into the air.

"K-Kanda?" The boy looked at the other man, startled, realizing that he's just been picked up by the Japanese, bridal-style.

"I look for shelter. You try not to pass out on me while I'm at it."

Allen probably would have complained if the circumstances were different.

* * *

"_Ghh..._" Allen hissed in pain for the n-th time that minute and Kanda was positive that Walker's not-so-gentle contact with the bathtub wasn't what had caused it. A few seconds later the clear-white surface of the tube was anything but clear and white. The sight made Kanda feel even more uneasy and helpless − though he tried not to waste his energy on thinking on worst case scenarios and do what was necessary at the moment.

They managed to find an inn not that far from their started point of search. It didn't seem to be the most luxurious place on earth − with a wooden, creaking structure, messy carpets and dusty wardrobes − but it was more than enough for the time being.

A small room on the first floor was what they got access to, and even though the innkeeper showed signs of shock as Kanda carried the heavy-breathing white-haired boy up the staircase on his own, he must have understood that the situation they were in was critical. No unnecessary questions were asked − Kanda appreciated it.

And figuring that getting the whole floor in the room bloody would obviously make the innkeeper not pleased, Kanda carried Allen inside the bathroom, straight into the bathtub.

Blood seemed to pour out of the white-haired boy's feet even more intensely when Kanda took Walker's boots off, though it was probably − hopefully − just an illusion caused by the overflowed footwear. The Japanese tied some small towels (which he found right next to the sink) around Allen's cross-shaped wounds, intending to slow down the flow of crimson. It seemed to help a bit, at first.

The boy let out another suppressed scream when the stigmata on his right hand started to bleed as well, making Allen start to trash about and swinging his hand up and down, in end hitting with his fist against the hard wall of the bathtub. And again, and again, and−

"_Oi!_" Kanda caught Walker by the wrist, stopping him in his further attempt at hurting himself. He then kneeled beside the tube and hooked a hand around the boy, so that he could keep him firmly in place.

The Japanese managed to place a towel in the young Exorcist's mouth when the latter tried to scream again. Walker bit on the piece of material without protesting too much. It was bound to help him muffle the sounds that escaped him and make it less possible for him to bite his tongue off, after all - so it was overall a good thing.

All that was left was to hold on for the ride.

* * *

"Ugh..." Allen let the towel fall from his mouth, tense muscles relaxing. "I think... It's over..."

"Fuck, Walker..." Kanda's voice sounded both relieved and worried at the same time. "Are you alive?"

"Yeah... I'll be fine." The boy inhaled shakily, closing his eyes. Saying that he felt dead-beat and tired would be an understanding.

Kanda shifted, noticing that his legs went totally numb. "This is insane. Just how many buckets of blood did you lose?"

"Still not enough for me to lose consciousness, it seems…" Allen almost felt like smiling, for whatever reason. "Stupid body wouldn't spare me a little bit of pain."

"It's good it didn't. Don't even think about dying on me, Moyashi."

"Yeah, I know… Sorry."

"Can you move?"

"I guess…" Allen felt like anything but moving at the moment, though. "Ow−"

Kanda finally let go of the other, trying not to make any abrupt moves. "Let's clean this shit and call it a day."

"Splendid idea."

* * *

Kanda opened his eyes, taking a look at the bed next to him. And like for the past ten minutes, Walker was still shivering under the cover. And it seemed to only get worse. Well, considering that the temperature inside the room was anything but high, combined with the boy's earlier blood loss, it was really no wonder that Allen was freezing his ass off.

"Idiot, you're shivering." The dark-haired remarked in slight annoyance.

"I'm not an idiot for being cold, am I?" Allen's voice sounded so weak that it seemed that he didn't even have the strength to talk.

"Che."

That's all apparently Kanda had to say regarding the matter, as another few seconds passed in complete silence. And the white-haired boy was already set on trying to fall asleep somehow, snuggling into the thick bed cover. But it didn't seem to help at all.

Goddamn it all, first he goes through literal torture, and then he can't even get a proper rest because of some bloody low temperature. Did somebody up there really hate him this much or what?

"...Come over here."

Allen opened his eyes at the words, his heart skipping a beat. And for a moment he had to wonder if he didn't actually fall asleep, after all. Did he hear right just now? The boy couldn't help but turn in the other man's direction. "Huh?"

"I said, come over here." Kanda repeated, pulling on his blanket, as if making place for another person to fit. Allen could notice the motion despite the lack of light inside the room.

"Um... Are you sure?" There was both uncertainty and bewilderment in the boy's voice.

"How many times do you want me to repeat myself?" The dark-haired sounded annoyed by now.

Not asking anything anymore, the younger boy found the strength to move and shifted towards the other.

Allen couldn't help but tense up as he felt Kanda throw an arm around him, covering him with the blanket and pulling him closer towards himself. Suddenly, the boy started to feel a weird kind of tingling in his cheeks, noticing how his face grew warmer. The dark-haired's body felt so warm against him…

The white-haired closed his eyes, snuggling closer.

_Human warmth is so nice…_

Allen had no idea what to think of Kanda's sudden kindliness, but he was too tired to think about any of it right now. Whether this actually meant anything to the Japanese or not, the sole gesture made him feel content and unbearably happy.

"Kanda… Thanks."

"Shut up and sleep."

For once, Moyashi didn't feel like complaining.

* * *

**Nayru's Note:** I know I haven't updated this fic in _ages,_ but both inspiration and free time were being a bitch to me. If you're one of the people who were eager and waiting for an update, I'm really sorry for making you wait this long.

I also wanted to thank all of you who took the time to review or ask about my story progress. Even though I might not have replied to the note, I took it into consideration and it inspired me to go on with the writing. Seriously, thanks a lot, guys!


	14. th

**Warnings: **Overflow of bad language, violence, blood, physical and mental torture (if you can call it that), a psycho/pervert on the loose, angst and some lemony stuff.

Guys, really – be warned. If you're all 'what the fuck?' after seeing the fluff in the previous chapter, then… yeah. I already mentioned this story won't be flowers and sunshine.

* * *

**~Gone Forever~**  
**Chapter 14th**

* * *

_The brush of lips against lips, hesitant and innocent at first, more daring and greedy a short moment after, and he couldn't help but notice how right and good it felt, how he didn't mind at all, how he wanted this, how he needed this, how the other's silent moan sent a shiver down his spine–_

"_Kanda…"_

_How the fuck did it come to this again, he couldn't recall – and did it matter, really? – while trailing his fingers against the heated skin, making the boy tremble and shiver, lips locked, the battle of tongues becoming needy and messy and dirty, and the way things were going–_

_Allen's moan echoed in his ears again, and fuck, how he wanted this, how he wanted to make the little idiot squirm beneath him, from pleasure and from pain, and – why was he letting him do this? – shaky hands tangling in the strands of long hair, another moan escaping as that warm tightness surrounded him, overwhelming, setting his senses on fire–_

Darkness greeted him thereafter, and it took a moment for Kanda to realize that he was lying in bed on his side, in the same room that he fell asleep a few hours earlier. He wasn't sure what woke him up, but the fact that he got out of his dream world was both reassuring and a little… disappointing at the same time.

Way to go for perfect timing.

_Fuck… What the fuck was that? _The Japanese covered his face with his hand, as he rolled onto his back, exhaling. It occurred to him that he was feeling way too hot for his liking, and the reason behind it was obvious.

Fuck, that was awkward. It wasn't the first time he experienced a dream of such nature, but it was the first time it had happened with Allen, and he knew it should disturb him. But it wasn't really the issue of who it happened with, rather than _how_ it happened. Because sex with that idiot was never supposed to be that affectionate, so full of feeling and concern and unspoken words.

It confused him. It confused the living shit out of him. Oh, how he hated this.

Suddenly shaken out of his thoughts, memories of the past evening assaulted him and Kanda noticed that something was missing.

Allen wasn't in bed with him anymore.

Alerted, the Japanese sat up on the bed, abruptly. The whole place was still shrouded in darkness, but with effort, he managed to recognize the outlines of furniture present in the room. His immediate thought was that Walker made a run for it, disappear somewhere, because he couldn't really picture him taking night strolls in his situation, but then he remembered that the boy was supposed to be weak from the blood loss, and surely wouldn't be able to get far on his own. Maybe he just went to the bathroom?

All of Kanda's doubts left him as he noticed a silhouette standing in front of the window, illuminated by the dim light of the moon.

Was it Allen?

"What the fuck are you doing?" The Japanese asked, his voice demanding and loud in the lingering silence.

Walker just kept staring at the window, blatantly ignoring the question. Then, giving the impression as if the words have reached him just now, he turned in the older man's direction, doing it in a slow–like motion. And as odd as it was – maybe even a little creepy, Kanda couldn't help but note – he just kept staring at the Japanese, not saying anything.

The dark-haired frowned. "It's still cold like hell in here. Aren't you cold?"

A small smile creped on to the white-haired's lips, and the gesture seemed far from less creepy than the previous one. "…Not anymore."

Staring at the boy suspiciously, Kanda threw the bed cover to the side, revealing his naked chest to the chilly air of the room, then got out of bed and approached him. "So, what are you doing, standing in front of the window like an idiot?"

"I couldn't sleep." The younger of the two answered, looking back in the direction of the glassy barrier. "The moon is so beautiful today, too."

The Japanese raised an eyebrow at that. Something was definitely off about Walker. Not only was he acting weird, he was also speaking nonsense. What was up with that comment? "Did you hit your head yesterday or something?"

Allen kept staring at the window before him, apparently not set on giving an answer to the question. But then, he turned back in the Japanese's direction, a weird glimmer in his eyes.

Kanda kept wondering what Moyashi was up to as the boy shifted closer to him.

"Say… Kanda." The white-haired spoke in a calm tone, almost a whisper, getting closer and closer. The Japanese's frown grew as the boy snaked his arms around his waist, pressing a cheek to his chest. "What do you really think about me?"

The dark-haired stiffened at the sudden question, not moving. He felt like shoving Moyashi away the moment the brat had touched him, but he stopped himself from doing it, for whatever reason. He couldn't help but notice that Walker was starting to get too comfortable with him, though. What the hell was up with that question, anyway? Did his late night invitation give him stupid ideas? Was it wrong of him to do that?

All of Kanda's thoughts were forced aside as the younger boy suddenly lifted his head, looking him straight in the eyes.

And the dark-haired was certain that something was off, but he couldn't pinpoint what it was; he just stared at the other with a deep frown on his face. He kept asking himself why wasn't he pushing the brat away yet, as if intrigued by those orbs, and for some reason, uncertainty started to appear somewhere at the pit of his stomach.

Something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong, and his brain was screaming at him to get away from the unwelcomed body contact.

Only more confusion assaulted him as a wicked grin appeared on the white-haired boy's lips, and suddenly…

"You let your guard down in front of Allen pretty much these days, don't you?"

Suddenly, everything made sense. The meaning behind the brat's words, the amusement in his voice, the thing that was off about him – the slight change in his appearance, hardly perceptible in the dark. _Everything_ made sense now.

But the realization came a second too late, because the moment Kanda understood what situation he was actually in, he was already hitting his head against the wooden post of the bed behind him. He cursed at himself for being so stupid, to let himself being taken off guard so easily, and he swore he could see stars from the impact, loosing comprehension of what was going on for a blink of an eye. The shove was strong.

If he only got his hands on that son of a bitch−

"_Ghaaah!_"

Sudden, sharp pain assaulted both of his hands, making Kanda's eyes go wide open. Something warm and wet trailed down his skin, leaving little to the imagination of what it was. He tried to move, but both of his limbs were deemed immobile, nailed with something above his head.

When Kanda's vision finally recovered, he realized what had happened. The bastard just pierced his palms into the wooden bed frame with Mugen−

"What the fuck−?! _Ghh!_" The Japanese winced as he tried to pull his hands free, causing himself only more pain. The edge of the blade was digging into his palm, hindering his movements.

Weight appeared in his lap all of a sudden; the white-haired boy made himself comfortable by straddling his hips, bringing Kanda's attention back to him.

Dark eyes met with golden ones.

"_You_… You're that Noah." Kanda clenched his teeth, disgust and anger flowing from his words.

"The Fourteenth. Or so you like to call me." The boy spoke calmly, smile on his lips. One of his hands traveled to the other's face, stroking his cheek with a thumb gently. "It's nice to finally meet you… Kanda."

The dark-haired turned his head to the side abruptly, breaking the contact. "Go fuck yourself."

"It's no fun to do it alone."

"I'll fucking kill you."

"Yes, I know. I've heard that already." The Fourteenth spoke as if it were no big deal. "But let me ask you this…" The white-haired took Kanda's face in both of his hands this time, bringing his lips dangerously close to the other's. "What can you do in your current situation?"

Both the gesture and the question made the older man's blood boil. What the hell was this bastard trying to accomplish? "If you want me to bite your tongue off, then go ahead."

"You'd bite Allen's tongue off, Kanda?" The Fourteenth asked with fake concern.

"You're not him."

"It's still his body, you know."

"If you were aware of what was going on this whole time, then you should already know this: I don't give a fuck." The Japanese hissed.

"Oh, I think it's quite the contrary, _Kanda dear_."

"I dare you to call me that again." The dark-haired stared bloody murder at the brat. "Hearing you speak with Walker's voice in such a tone makes me want to kill you ten times more."

"Such a pity." The Fourteenth let go of the other's face and pulled a few inches away, smiling amusedly. "_Kanda dear_."

Kanda couldn't take it anymore − he'd fucking kill that bastard, cost it what it may.

Jerking on Mugen, a new wave of pain flashed through his limbs, but he fucked it, he dearly fucked it−

The white-haired stopped him in his attempt, however, pressing a hand to the Japanese's wrists, hindering his movement. Kanda clenched his teeth together so tightly it almost hurt.

"That healing ability of yours, it's quite amazing." The Noah spoke in a calm voice, as if nothing actually happened. "If I were to cut your hands off, would they regenerate, too?"

Kanda stiffened at the words, his eyes widening the tiniest bit.

The bastard, he wouldn't−

"I'll take that as a 'no', then." The white-haired shifted closer again, bringing his lips near the other man's ear, his next words coming out as a whisper. "Be careful what you're doing."

The Japanese cursed at himself again. How could he let something like this happen? He was trapped like some kind of mouse, and the cat was apparently in the mood to play, not kill its victim immediately. Fucking Noah, what did he want to gain from any of this?

But he knew he needed to stay calm if he wanted to get out of this with his hands still intact. Well, maybe not his hands, but a pretty massive amount of his remaining lifespan.

"Stupid brat, he was wrong after all." Kanda spoke, apparently pointing to Allen, surprising the Fourteenth. The dark-haired decided to give a shot at a more strategic approach − less acting, more talking. "How did you manage to awaken, anyway?"

"Hmm… Things could get troublesome for me if I told you, so… I won't."

"You just gave me a fucking hint."

"It's more fun that way, isn't it?"

"Fun? You're not right in the head."

"No, you just have no sense of humor, Kanda dear."

The older man felt like choking the bastard to death again, but he suppressed his whim. "…Who's side are you on?"

"Allen asked me about it already."

"You didn't answer him."

"So, give me a reason why I should give an answer to _you_?"

Kanda turned silent and the Fourteenth's grin grew wider.

"I'm on my own side."

The tone the Noah answered him in made the dark-haired doubt the sincerity in those words. "So you're neither on the Earl's or the Order's side."

"So it seems. But the Order and I have the same goal."

"You want to kill the Earl." Kanda concluded. "Why?"

"I have my reasons."

The older man turned silent again. The Noah wasn't giving him any decent answers so far and Kanda had the impression he had no intention of changing that, whatsoever.

It pissed him off.

"Let me ask you a few questions in return now." The Fourteenth suddenly exclaimed.

"You hardly answered any of mine− _che!_" Kanda winced as the Noah tugged on Mugen's hilt, making him shut up.

"What is Allen to you?" The white-haired asked with morbid curiosity, getting dangerously close again.

"…Why the fuck do _you_ care?"

"Do you really hate him as much as you claim to?" A hand was placed on the older man's upper part of the chest and started to slide lower, very slowly. "Because if you do… then maybe the two of us could hook up sometime."

_What the fuck?_ "Don't make me laugh." Kanda couldn't believe this. "Over my dead body."

"Be careful what you wish for, Kanda dear."

"Had you wanted to kill me you would have tried doing it hours ago." The Japanese couldn't help but conclude, remembering Walker's figure in front of the window. "Just what the fuck do you want from me?"

"What I want?" The Noah repeated the question, slight amusement in his voice. "What do I want, I wonder?"

Kanda stiffened when the Fourteenth got closer to him again. Suddenly, he could feel the other's feathery breath brushing the skin of his neck and a hand on his abdomen, teasing him with circle-like motions. The Japanese's mind was starting to go rigid.

"Let's play a game, shall we?" The words echoed in the older man's ears. "I'll ask you a question. And if you answer it right... I might let you go."

The older Exorcist swallowed, noticing how dry his throat has become. What the hell was up with that lunatic now? The fucking Noah was playing with him, teasing him, just what was he trying to accomplish? He was nuts. He was seriously nuts.

"Like you'd do that." Kanda didn't seem convinced.

"I stay by my rules." The white-haired assured. "And if you don't believe me... Do you have anything to lose, really?"

The Japanese took a moment to think about it, adrenaline overwhelming his body, heartbeat quickening. Experiencing what the Noah did so far, Kanda was certain he wouldn't ask anything normal. "I dare to claim I do." He answered in slight sarcasm. "But fine. What's the fucking question?"

The Fourteenth smiled at the positive response, shifting closer again. "What do I want from you, Kanda? That, exactly, is the question."

The dark-haired stiffened, feeling a warm and wet muscle connecting with his neck. The nerve of that bastard, he just wanted to tease him again, didn't he? Such a stupid question it was, so totally _not_ obvious. And he wanted him to say it out loud? _Fucking pervert−_

"Don't fucking touch me." The Japanese hissed the moment the Noah's hand crossed the border of his pants.

"The clock is ticking, Kanda dear." The boy spoke as calmly as ever. "Give me an answer before it's too late."

"You−" _Fucking pervert_− Kanda cursed, rage overwhelming his senses. He'd kill that bastard, he'd fucking kill him−

Closing his eyes, he tried to stay calm and get a hold of himself.

"...You want to fuck with me, don't you, you sick bastard?"

The Fourteenth went still at the answer, then pulled away from the other man, that goddamn smile of his finally gone. And Kanda dearly hoped he managed to hit the nail on the spot… Or on second thought, he wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not.

But the next moment the smirk crept back to the Noah's lips, and it was pretty much self-explanatory.

"Wrong."

"Che." Kanda yanked on Mugen's edge, more raw pain flashing through his nerves. Unfortunately, even with the help of his anger, he wasn't able to pull out the sword this way. "What do you want, then, you pervert?"

"I wasn't the one to get perverted ideas, Kanda dear." The white-haired remarked amusedly. "Maybe that's what _you_ wanted?"

"Cut the crap. I'm not in the mood for your messed up mind games."

"You really have a stick up your ass, Kanda."

"Fuck you." Kanda hissed, wondering if it was his imagination, or did the Fourteenth really sound a tad angered right now. "And bring Walker back, because I know he's still somewhere in there−"

"Shut up." The Noah demanded and apparently it wasn't the Japanese's imagination, after all.

What now, was Allen a touchy subject for the bastard?

The smaller boy suddenly laughed, startling Kanda a bit. "You really are something. I don't know if you're really brave or just stupid, but you're something, nevertheless." The Fourteenth admitted, amusement in his voice. "I'd think twice before provoking me like this if I were you."

"Well, thank God I'm not." The dark-haired remarked sarcastically. "I'd probably hang myself from the excess of issues I'd have."

The Noah went silent at that, staring at the man with an expression Kanda failed to name. "Heh. I'm starting to like you."

"Well, sorry, but the feeling's not mutual."

"Yet."

"You're so full of yourself."

"I could say the same about you." The white-haired conquered the man's words with ease, smiling at the other knowingly. "But let us not stray from the main topic any further." He decided, shifting closer to Kanda once more. "Did you figure out what I want from you by now?"

The Japanese turned his head to the side as the damn Noah brought his face too close to him again. He could feel the brat's breath brush against his cheek. "Too bad I don't know what goes on in a lunatic's head."

"I'm no more messed up than you are, Kanda dear."

"Was that supposed to be a joke?" The older man deadpanned, not amused.

"Well, you should know that better than I do." The Fourteenth snaked his arms around the dark-haired's neck, bringing him into an embrace. "I'm not here to convince you otherwise."

"Will you finally tell me what the fuck _are_ you here for, then?" Kanda was seriously starting to lose his patience.

The Noah didn't say anything for a short moment, simply enjoying the contact. Then, a hand trailed down the Japanese's side, and Kanda couldn't help but tense up, feeling how close it got to the border of his pants.  
"_Fun_, Kanda. I want to have some fun with you. That's all."

"What−"

He wanted to ask what he meant by that exactly, since he apparently didn't have sex in mind, but the voice died in his throat as the Noah pulled back and sank lower. The Japanese only watched as the other started working on the belt and zipper of his pants, shamelessly so, soon bringing his boxers into view and what they covered underneath.

Kanda clenched his teeth when cold fingers tangled around his length, making his mind go fuzzy around the edges. The Noah's movements were far from bashful – the bastard knew exactly what he was doing. And fuck, how he hated it right now.

"You seem to get aroused easily." The Fourteenth mocked him.

"Shut the fuck up!" The dark-haired finally found it in himself to fire back, far from pleased with the whole situation. "And get your stinking hands off of me!"

"Oh, do you really want that?" The Noah licked his lips seductively, catching Kanda's gaze with his. "Would you prefer it if Allen was the one doing it?"

"What if I did?" The dark-haired's voice was filled with venom.

"Oh?" The boy seemed amused at the remark. "Finally some honesty in you."

"What are you trying to pull?"

"I'll be trying to change that." The Noah exclaimed.

"Change what?"

The Fourteenth wasn't intending to clear his doubts with a straightforward answer, it seemed, because the next moment all he did was avert his gaze from the other and sank even lower. Before Kanda knew it, there was a wet heat surrounding him, and he couldn't help but close his eyes at the feeling, a strangled breath leaving his lips.

_Fucking Noah, fucking Noah, fucking− _He tried his best to concentrate on anything but the overwhelming sensation, but the way the bastard suck on him made it pretty much impossible. It's as if he knew exactly which buttons to push and what to do, and the dark-haired could only conclude this couldn't have been the first time the Fourteenth was doing this to someone. Far from it. _Fucking whore−_

A shiver ran down Kanda's spine as he felt the other's lips leave his hardened length, leaving it exposed to the cold air, only to come back a second later. And he sucked again, and trailed his tongue teasingly along the heated flesh, and, _fuck, fuck, fuck− _

The dark-haired man found himself panting from the feeling, though still tried to restrain himself from making any embarrassing noises. He wouldn't give the bastard the satisfaction. No way in hell−

"Gh…" He could feel himself getting close to the edge already. The pressure in the lower part of his abdomen was building and building, and shit, the way things were going−

Suddenly, the warmth was gone, and Kanda had to open his eyes, only to see how the Noah pulled away from him, looking back at him, bringing his face closer to his.

A crooked smile decorated his lips, as he licked on his fingers, wet with pre-cum.

"Do you want me to continue, Kanda?" The white-haired asked teasingly, a triumphant look on his face.

Oh, bloody hell− "You son of a bitch…"

"Hmm? Was that a 'no'?"

"I'm going to fucking kill you…" Kanda tried to stay calm, he really tried.

The Noah seemed hardly impressed from the threat as he looked at the man with half-lidded eyes, his smile fading, and he brought a finger to the dark-haired's length, trailing along it teasingly. The Japanese's eye twitched, bloody murder in his eyes.

The Fourteenth's mouth was back at his length again, only to disappear a moment after as well, and the older man wanted to curse like a sailor, but he didn't, just closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on anything, _anything_ but this. The bastard wasn't going to get any of it.

"I can continue, you know…" A whisper reached Kanda's ear, feathery breath brushing his earlobe. "If you beg me for it."

The Japanese didn't know if he should just stay silent and wait for whatever was bound to happen to happen, or try to backfire at the bastard with all of his strength. Because the option of giving in wasn't even an option to begin with. He had his fucking pride.

But the need for release was so strong that he had a hard time thinking straight whatsoever.

"Heh, you really are something, Kanda." The Noah suddenly spoke, startling the other out of his thoughts. "Your stubbornness and self-esteem can be admirable sometimes. Though it's really unnecessary most of the time. Why not just give in? It would make things easier for the both of us."

The Japanese clicked his tongue. "Not like someone like you would understand."

"Hmm… intriguing." The Fourteenth smirked. "I guess I can understand Allen, to an extent."

Whatever the brat meant by that, Kanda wasn't sure. But he already knew that simply asking about it would take him nowhere.

"Well, no matter." The Noah said, looking resigned all of a sudden. The next moment, he was all over the dark-haired again, straddling his hips, pressing with a thigh against his erection, hands tangled around his neck, locked in a firm embrace. "I'm already looking forward to our next encounter, Kanda. And by the way…" The white-haired got close to the man's ear, whispering. "Did you enjoy your dream?"

Something stirred inside of Kanda's stomach at the question and he couldn't help but feel… utterly exposed before the other. How did the bastard know–

Before he managed to contemplate on any of it, there was a forehead pressing to his own, and the Noah closed his eyes. A short moment after, no gold greeted the other anymore, just silver, plain and familiar, and Kanda was surprised how reassured it made him actually feel.

"Moyashi?" He asked, unsure what to think of feel.

The boy blinked a few times, expressionless. And then, as if something finally managed to get through to him, his eyes widened and he stared at the dark-haired, mere inches apart from him, as if he's just seen a ghost. "Kan… da?"

What… What the hell was this? Why was he embracing Kanda? Why was he sitting in his lap? Weren't they, like… lying in bed just a few moments ago?

What were they doing? Why was he here?

"Kanda, I…" Allen trailed off, confusion and horror and fear in his voice. "What–" He suddenly pulled away, abruptly, only to notice something warm pressing against his thigh and the sight of Kanda's crimson-stained hands above them. Needless to say, he was speechless. Thousands of questions ran through his brain, making him more and more terrified with every passing second. _I– How– No– No, no, no, please, no– _"Kanda, did I–"

"Shut up." The Japanese finally spoke, growling in irritation. Goddamn, for some reason the boy's stupid reaction made his blood boil, and even though he felt relieved a second earlier, frustration was assaulting him at the speed of light now. Moyashi's behavior only confirmed his belief that he indeed wasn't aware what the Fourteenth did. "Shut up and finish what you started."

"What I–?" Allen stammered again, not understanding, but he finally decided to get a hold of himself. He frowned and not wasting any more time, he stood up and caught Mugen by the hilt, pulling it out with one go.

"Ghh…" Kanda hissed as the blade retreated, finally putting his hands free, fresh blood staining his hands. He exhaled shakily, hearing how the sword collided with the floor and the white-haired boy looked at him with both confusion and concern.

"I'll get the first aid–"

Allen was surprised when he suddenly felt an arm yanking him back, forcefully so, and he lost his balance and fell to his knees, right beside the dark-haired man. The grip on his arm was strong. "I said, finish what you started." Kanda, hissed, demanding, anger staining his voice.

The attitude angered the boy in return. "You're bleeding, Kanda." Allen pointed out the obvious.

"It will heal in a while." The Japanese complained. Losing his patience, he caught a fistful of white hair and tugged the younger Exorcist's head downwards, so that the idiot would get the idea. "Finish what you fucking started!"

Surprisingly or not, the boy wasn't intending to comply with the 'request', as he yanked Kanda's hand away, white strands of hair stained with a crimson hue. He looked at the other with an angered expression, and the dark-haired stared at him back, the air between them heavy as never before.

Then, all of a sudden, the Japanese broke eye contact by averting his gaze to the side, shoved Allen away and stood up, making his way towards the door.

"Eat something, then go to bed." Kanda ordered, his voice stern. "I'm going to take a shower."

The white-haired just sat there, not moving, and stared at the strains of blood on the bed and floor, as he heard the other man leave the room, shutting the door loudly behind him.

Confused and totally out of it, Allen tried to put two and two together and comprehend what the bloody hell just happened.

* * *

**Nayru's Note:** I have, like, a shitload of exams and projects to do at the moment, but I wrote a new chapter instead of working on them. God, I'm hopeless. And the worst part is that it's always like that, and I never learn.

Yullen, I hate you and love you at the same time.

So, how was the chapter? Did you enjoy? The Fourteenth finally appeared and I can't believe how fond of him I actually became, myself. I can't wait to see more of him in the manga.

PS. There's a poll on my profile page that I'd like you guys to give a vote to, if you don't mind.


	15. A small reunion

**Warnings: **Sexual themes and implications, Kanda's usual foul language, a bit of blood.

* * *

**~Gone Forever~****  
****Chapter 15: A small reunion **

**

* * *

**

The buzzing sound of falling water was reassuring to Kanda's ears. He tried to clear his thoughts as the hot liquid flew down his body, relaxing his muscles and stinging his two fresh wounds. He didn't mind the pain.

Aside from the fact that he wasn't sure what to think of the whole situation, he was actually kind of surprised that all the negative emotions he should feel at the moment weren't that overwhelming. He did feel mad, but he wasn't sure what his anger was directed at – at Walker, at the Fourteenth… or at himself. Maybe it was a bit of everything, because no matter how he looked at it, he was the one who let his guard down in the first place, Allen assumed things on his own (both of them were careless), and the Fourteenth… well, was the Fourteenth. He was a separate issue altogether.

The Noah's words echoed in the dark-haired's mind, making him think over everything the bastard had said, or more importantly – what he left _unsaid_. Most of the things were nothing more than confusing, but he had his suspicions in regards to a small part of them.

He needed to talk to Walker, no matter how much he didn't feel like doing it at the moment. He needed to…

"Hn…"

_Fucking Noah…_

_

* * *

_

Allen's mind was in one big chaos.

The last thing he remembered was falling asleep by Kanda's side – comfortably tangled in the other's embrace. It was a welcomed warmth, and the boy couldn't believe that he almost grew to forget how receiving such a wonderful thing felt.

Then, almost out of the blue, he was greeted with a very good view of Kanda's face, the feeling of sitting in the other's lap, the sight of Mugen and blood, and the sudden realization of the Japanese's erection. The boy even felt excited himself. Aside from that, there was only confusion and anger, and whatever happened thereafter, happened too fast for Allen to comprehend correctly.

After Kanda had left the room, he just sat there like some kind of idiot and stared at the spot where the dark-haired previously was. The room was dark, but the moon illuminated it enough for him to see that the floor was stained with liquid, and it was undoubtedly blood.

_Kanda's _blood.

The sight made Allen feel horrified and worried – and more than anything, it made him feel guilty. He had no idea what actually happened, he could only guess, but… He prayed that his guess wouldn't turn out true.

He was nervous. He was scared.

When he looked at the bed he was currently sitting on, his gaze wandered to the spot where he and older man previously rested. His hand almost moved on its own, trailing the bed sheet.

It was still warm.

Allen closed his eyes and sighed, trying to calm down. He needed to think some positive thoughts and prepare himself for whatever was about to come when Kanda returned. He wanted to talk. They needed to talk.

Still…

Another person's warmth… He never got to experience it after Mana had died. Lenalee's friendly hugs were always just that – friendly hugs, and even though they tended to be consoling, it was always him who was the one doing the comforting, not the other way around.

Kanda always acted cold towards him, but his body was so warm, it was almost hard to believe. When the dark-haired offered to share his space with him and Allen got to cuddle with the other for a longer while… he understood that his growing affection for the Japanese was already stronger than he assumed it was.

Affection and love – in this form – were alien to him. Allen never really put much thought to these things before. But, as time passed, he started to be weary of these unknown feelings – these weird and confusing emotions that assaulted him more and more after that one particular event at the Order. He would have never thought that offering his help to Kanda would get him in so much trouble later on.

Allen still wasn't sure what it was that he felt for the dark-haired exactly. He could only tell that _something_ was definitely there – some strong feelings that he never experienced before; feelings which he couldn't quite name or define.

He felt weird whenever he thought about Kanda – and he thought about the Japanese quite a lot lately. He simply couldn't help his thoughts, they wandered to the older Exorcist on their own. And as much as the boy didn't want to admit it… his thoughts weren't always that innocent.

_It's because all the things that happened between us, right…? _

_Or am I really…_ Allen trailed off and swallowed, afraid to even call it by name. _Or am I really… in love with Kanda?_

The sudden sound of footsteps startled the boy out of his thoughts, making his heart skip a beat.

And then, Kanda was there, opening and closing the door behind him, advancing towards him, and Allen felt the sudden urge to run away, but forced himself to sit still. His eyes followed the Japanese as he reached for his Exorcist coat and put it on (the room was still freezing cold), and the moment he was finished, he finally looked at the boy, just standing there, their gazes locked in silence.

Before the white-haired boy gathered enough courage to say anything, Kanda beat him to it and moved. He sat on the bed right next to Allen with a quiet sigh.

"I think we're both tired, so I'll get straight to the point." The Japanese spoke, closing his eyes. "You don't remember a thing, do you?"

The younger male stared at the other in slight bewilderment, apparently surprised by Kanda's gentle tone and actual willingness to talk. But also something else caught his attention.

"…Let me take care of your wounds before we get anywhere." Allen decided, getting up.

"Screw the wounds, they've almost healed." Kanda grunted, frowning in annoyance.

"No, they didn't." The younger Exorcist disagreed, clearly seeing how blood was still flowing from the other's palms, dripping down the floor. "Kanda, please." Having fetched some bandage, Allen kneeled in front of the man and reached for one of his hands.

"Don't touch me." The dark-haired pulled away instinctively, but the moment he saw the hurt in Walker's eyes caused by the action, something inside of him stirred. And he had to look away.  
"Che. Fine, do what you want…"

* * *

Allen starts to treat his wounds, trying to be gentle. Kanda grits his teeth more than once from the pain, but he doesn't make a noise. Both stay quiet throughout the whole process.

When the younger boy is finally finished, he doesn't move, holding one of the Japanese's hands in his own and simply stares at it. Kanda stares at Walker's hands in return, the right also wrapped up in bandage, making him remember the night before.

The irony.

"The Fourteenth did this, didn't he…" Allen breaks the silence, but doesn't look at the other. "I can't recall a thing…" He finally answers the Japanese's question, his voice silent an full of guilt. "I'm sorry."

And Kanda has to wonder, because he's actually surprised. Not by the answer – this kind of answer he was already expecting – but by the fact that he doesn't feel mad.

He's not mad. He's worried.

He's worried about Allen.

The sole realization makes him frown. And he stares at the boy in front of him, watches the guilt on his face. All of it reminds him of something, it brings back memories – painful memories he wants to long forget. He's seen that face before, and the moment he realizes when and where, he can't stop the heavy feeling in his gut.

He wants to reach for the other all of a sudden, he wants to tell him that it's okay, that everything will be alright.

But lies won't make things any better.

"It's not your fault." Kanda finally tells him, and it causes Allen to lift his head. "Don't feel guilty about it."

"But I…"

"I'm still alive, so it doesn't matter."

The boy doesn't know what to say. Thousands of thoughts run through his head, and he can't help but wonder why Kanda acts so calm, so gentle, so considerate of him, when he's supposed to be angry because of what happened. It gives him weird ideas.

It gives him hope. He's happy and he hates it at the same time.

Something isn't right. Just what did the Fourteenth do, exactly?

"What did the Fourteenth want?" Allen can't help but ask, even though he fears the answer.

"I'm not sure. He kept speaking in some messed up riddles." Kanda's tone changes to a slightly angered one and he looks away. Allen feels as if whatever spell was cast between them is suddenly gone, but it actually makes him relax. "Now I think I know what you meant when you said he gets on your nerves. That guy is fucked up."

"And I thought it was just me…" A crooked smile appears on the white-haired boy's lips, but for some reason he seems sad. He wants to know what kind of things he's been saying exactly, but he fears to ask. He fears Kanda's reaction.

Allen finally decides to stand up and sits back on the bed, wondering if they should go to sleep and continue this conversation tomorrow, when the Japanese speaks again.  
"Now the question is: how did the bastard awaken? Your reasoning must have had a flaw. Any ideas?"

The boy takes a moment to think. "No. I still think it was impossible. He shouldn't have…"

"Then it's just a theory, but…" Kanda speaks as the other trails off. "I think it's because of your weakened state. You lost a lot of blood, you were tired. He might have simply used the opportunity."

"But that's…"

"That's why I told you to eat something. You need energy, Moyashi."

"It's Allen." The white-haired corrects involuntarily, as he thinks about the theory. "Maybe there is some sense in what you say…" He concludes. "But still, something isn't right. The Innocence should be affecting him. But it never did. Or did it?"

"Didn't seem like it."

Allen grimaces at the response. "This sucks."

"Either way, we have nothing to lose in checking this theory out."

"I guess so." The boy agrees. Only that it would be hard to get food in the middle of the night, he thinks. Should they go to sleep for now?

The white-haired looks at the Japanese as he suddenly stands up and advances towards his bag, taking something out. The item is being thrown in Allen's direction and he catches it with ease.

And it's... a bunch of wrapped up rice balls?

"Eat up."

"Oh… Thanks." The younger male is both grateful and surprised. But seconds pass and he just stares at the food in his lap.

"What's wrong?" Kanda finally brings himself to ask, returning to the bed.

"I don't feel like eating anything right now, to be honest…" Allen admits.

This seems to anger Kanda a little. "Eat it or I'll make you. You can't expect me to sleep with you in the same room in your state."

The words stab the snow-haired boy like a knife, though he tries to act as if it was nothing. The sudden realization of what Kanda could be referring to makes him feel even worse, however. And he simply has to ask:

"Kanda… are you afraid of me now?"

And now that the boy mentions it, the Japanese has to wonder, too. But surprisingly…

"No, I'm not. I just don't want that pervert to jump me out of the blue again."

"Jump you?" Allen asks despite himself.

"When I told you to finish what you started, what do you think I was referring to?" Kanda turns to the other and looks him straight in the eyes, rising an eyebrow. "Don't tell me you didn't get it…"

The boy blushes at the words, his eyes going wider. And he has to look away. "Right, I know… It's just, I was confused and… I wasn't sure and… Um…" Allen tries to explain himself, though he's not sure what he wants to explain, anyway. He feels so embarrassed, he can't think straight.

But then something hits him and he frowns, looking back Kanda in the eyes. He isn't sure if he should asks this, isn't sure if he wants to know the answer to his question, but it's suddenly eating him alive, clenching on his chest.

"Wait… Does this mean that the Fourteenth is actually… interested in you?"

Allen's words don't seem to surprise the Japanese, as he just keeps staring at the other like he did. But he looks away before he answers.

"To me it seemed as if he just wanted to fuck around."

"Oh my God…" The boy's voice suddenly turns hysterical and he catches himself by the head in panic. "If he ever manages to take over me and I end up as a whore on the streets, _kill me please_."

Kanda facepalms himself at the words, not sure if he should take Allen's reaction seriously. "Idiot."

* * *

They decide to go to sleep, because they're both dead tired, and whatever questions they still have are saved for tomorrow. Allen can't help but wonder if Kanda will actually be able to sleep soundly in his presence like he tended to do earlier (more or less), now that he knows that the Fourteenth can awaken in him. He hopes the situation won't repeat itself, but he's still worried.

And when the boy goes back to his own bed, intending to lay down, he wonders – and silently hopes – whether the dark-haired will invite him to share the bed again. He's not that desperate for warmth anymore, but the room and the bed are still cold, and…

Kanda simply lays down on his part of the furniture, apparently not interested in doing anything else beside sleeping at the moment.

The boy can't help but feel disappointed at this, and he wonders whether…

"Kanda, can I…" He speaks, deciding not to think too much about it, concluding it would only make him hesitate more. But he doesn't know if he should finish his question, hoping deep inside that Kanda would get the idea.

"What is it?" The Japanese turns his attention to the boy and it doesn't make him feel any less nervous.

"Um, well…"

In that moment the older man frowns and the younger male can swear he isn't pleased, the air between them suddenly heavy. "Moyashi–"

"It's just that you're so warm and comfy…" Allen explains before the other manages to say anything more, blushing a little, and he lets out a weak laugh, as if trying to turn it all into a joke. But the nervousness doesn't leave him as he can feel Kanda's heavy gaze on him. He has apparently crossed the line, getting too many wrong ideas.

Realizing that, the younger Exorcist's face expression fades and he turns to look elsewhere, a sad smile on his lips.

"…Don't you ever crave for human contact, Kanda?"

The questions seems to startle the Japanese, because he's looking at the boy with slightly widened eyes. Allen notices the confusion on Kanda's face, right before the older man turns away.  
"I've never really thought about it…" The answer startles the boy in return. "But if it makes you feel better…"

* * *

Looking back at what the Fourteenth did, Allen figured Kanda would try to distance himself from him, but he surprisingly does the exact opposite. At least that's the impression he's recieving.

And he can hardly believe it.

Because he's lying by the Japanese's side again, getting a second taste of the wonderful warmth, and it almost feels to good to be true. Kanda doesn't seem to mind much - or perhaps he's simply too tired to care - as the boy tangles his hands around the other's neck and brings their bodies closer.

A moment passes and the white-haired stares at the older man - who has his eyes closed, probably already at the border of reality and dreams - he examines his face closely. And...

He notices how his lips burn, yearning for contact.

_I can't do this... _He tells himself, closing his eyes.

He tries to fall asleep as well.

* * *

In the morning the younger boy takes a shower, and after they take care of the whole bloody mess they have caused during the night, they decide to visit the inn's canteen to get a bite. Contrary to the previous day, Allen seems to be full of energy and positive attitude, which makes Kanda feel slightly relieved. He's surprised by the fact himself.

He almost missed that cheerful attitude of Walker's.

The boy orders a big pile of food, though it's not as huge as it used to be during his times at the Order. Kanda's still glad, because an Allen that doesn't want to eat (like he refused to touch his rice balls during the night) isn't Allen at all.

When both of them are ready with their meals, the white-haired boy swallows the remaining contents of his tea, lets out a satisfied sigh and streches, before he finally decides to bring his attention back to the Japanese man.

"It's been bugging me since yesterday..." Allen starts and he just has to ask this, knowing what happened. "Is he that strong?"

"No, he just took me off-guard." The older man replies with ease, and the boy is relieved to hear this, though he can't help but wonder if that's really true.

Silence envelopes the two for another short while before Allen decides to break the spell again.

"Kanda… we can go back. To the Order, I mean."

The older male almost chokes on his own tea as he hears the sudden words, then starts to stare at the person before him in disbelief. "What?"

"I've been thinking about everything lately..." Allen goes on as if nothing, giving the other a weak but tender smile. "And now that the Fourteenth appeared on the scene, I think it will be for the better."

Kanda can't believe what he's hearing. And just then he realizes... that he doesn't like Walker's idea in the slightest.

He stayed with the boy all this time, waiting for this very moment, and now when all has been said and done... he doesn't want it.

"Shouldn't the Fourteenth's appearance be all the more reason for you _not_ to return?" The Japanese can't stop himself from asking, irritation and worry staining his face.

Allen blinks at this, but he stays calm. "Isn't this what you want?"

"Is that what _you_ want?" Kanda backfires with the same question and the younger boy can't help but be surprised this time.

He has no idea why the Japanese acts so considerate of him, why he's been acting so nice towards him since yesterday. It makes him feel warm inside, but he fears to cross the line, he doesn't want to use Kanda's kindness to his own advantage. He could never forgive himself if he did. It is for the better, he keeps telling himself that, even though he doesn't want to return to the Order with passion. _It's for the better... _He repeats in his mind.

Once he returns to the Order and the Fourteenth ends up restrained, he won't be able to hurt any of his comrades, any of his friends.

He won't be able to hurt Kanda anymore.

"Yes, I want to return." The white-haired says with a straight face. "It's for the better."

"...If that's what you want." The older man closes his eyes and shrugs, as if suddenly indifferent to the whole conversation.

"Before we return, though... There's still one last place I'd like to go to." Allen suddenly exclaims, seriousness in his eyes. "It's not far from here."

And Kanda can only think - why doesn't that surprise him?

* * *

Of all the places the Japanese was expecting for Walker to drag him to, he didn't really take a graveyard into consideration. But he agreed to acompany him here, so he stayed by his word, observing the gloomy place with little interest.

"Wait for me here, I'll be right back." Allen suddenly says, bringing the other out of his thoughts. Kanda complies and stops in his tracks, observing the other as he takes a turn and runs down the nearest valley - which is pretty much empty, beside a tree and a single grave at a small hill at the very bottom.

* * *

"Hello, Mana..." The white-haired boy speaks silently as he approaches the tombstone, a small smile appearing on his face.

He stops and stares at the dirty rock for a moment in silence, his smirk slowly fading.

"I can't believe I'm doing this for you after what you've done..." The words suddenly leave him, but they don't seem to be directed at his late foster father.

It's when the boy closes his eyes and exhales, his face expression darkens, and the moment he opens them again, their silver hue is gone, replaced by a mixture of gold and honey.

"Long time no see, _Brother_."

* * *

Kanda keeps observing Walker from afar, oblivious to anything that's been going on during their small split up. When the boy takes too long for his own liking, he decides to go there and join him.

* * *

"Oi, how long are you planning to talk to a grave?"

For a longer while Allen doesn't respond, he just stands there. It gets on the dark-haired's nerves, but before he gets to say anything else–  
"Impatient, aren't you?"

The voice belongs to Walker, but its tone sounds different and unfamiliar, and it makes Kanda blink and wonder.

Suddenly, it occurs to him that it isn't Allen who's standing in front of him.

"You–" Without thinking, the Japanese grabs the boy by the collar, forcefully yanking him forward. And, and–

"Kanda?"

And Kanda is confused, because the eyes that are staring at him are lost and clearly _silver_.

He lets go of the boy without saying a word.

"This is your father's grave." The dark-haired suddenly speaks, looking at the tombstone before them. "Why did you want to come here?"

Allen doesn't answer for a moment, looking at the ground. "The Fourteenth asked me to..."

And something inside of Kanda suddenly snaps. "The Fourteenth did– What the fuck–? Are you stupid? Why the hell didnt you tell me about this sooner?" The man practically roars.

"He promised me something in return!" The boy raises his voice as well. "And if I told you, you wouldn't have come here, would you?"

"Making deals with that asshole will get you nowehere, Walker." The Japanese warns, his voice angry. "Do you seriously believe in him?"

"No, I don't trust him if that's what you want to know." _Not after what he has done... _"It's just that I don't see a problem in coming to visit a grave."

Kanda feels the sudden urge to punch somebody. "The problem is that that Noah is pulling our strings by doing this! What if there's more to this grave than the eye can see? You don't know what that son of a bitch is planning, and you're letting yourself be used!" The dark-haired yells and Allen stiffens at the words, wondering what has gotten into the older man all of a sudden. "For fuck's sake, Walker!"

"Chill out, will you!" The younger Exorcist grimaces. "You make it sound as if the world is just about to end!"

"It might if things go the way they're going!"

Suddenly, silence falls between the two. And as much as someone from the outside could have found it funny and unbelievable, Kanda does have a point.

Allen realizes this and understands.

"Okay, sorry..."

"Things will go wrong sooner or later if you keep on hiding everything from me."

The younger boy stares the other in the eyes and wonders... does Kanda want Allen to trust him?

"What did he promise you?"

The question makes the white-haired look away, but he still answers. "...To leave you alone."

"You were the one who proposed this?"

"...Yeah."

"You should worry about your own ass. I can take care of myself."

"You've seen what happened yesterday!" Allen complains, raising his voice again.

"I've told you he took me off-guard!"

"Well, how do you know he won't do it again?"

"Because–"

Next thing Kanda knows, the white-haired boy is embracing him, his hands tangled around the older man's neck. He tenses, but doesn't move.  
"...Which only proves my point."

The Japanese doesn't say anything to that, and they just stay like that for a short moment until Allen finally pulls away.

"Walker..."

The boy looks at the other, waiting.

"The Fourteenth won't keep his promise."

It makes the younger male think why the Japanese is so sure of this. "Did he... tell you anything?"

And somehow, Kanda isn't sure if Allen means 'anything at all' or 'one thing in particular' by those words. Walker is apparently still hiding something from him.

"Holy shit, he really _is_ here!"

"Allen-kun!"

The sudden, two familiar voices startle them both and the white-haired boy can't help the shock on his face as he turns around.

Lavi and Lenalee are running in their direction.

* * *

**Nayru's Note:** I planned to update Snowy Mountain before this, but something went wrong, as always.

I tried to experiment with my writing style in this chapter, but I don't know if it turned out for the better or for the worse (I fear the latter). It's actually weird to start writing everything in the present tense when the whole story was in the past tense so far... but it kind of happened on its own, and I decided to leave it like that. Maybe I'll rewrite everything if I find the time. For the time being, I hope you enjoy it for what it is.

Thank you for all the wonderful reviews, guys! I was surprised that you liked the previous chapter so much. :0


	16. The other side of the war

**Warnings:** Lots of, lots of plot bunnies, a little bit of violence and Kanda's usual foul language.

* * *

**~Gone Forever~  
Chapter 16: The other side of the war**

**

* * *

**

_"You jerk! What the hell did you do?" Allen yelled, striking the bathroom mirror with his fists. A night had passed with the fact of what happened lingering in his mind, but that didn't mean he managed to get over it. Far from that. "How did you awaken?"_

_However, the shadow on the other side didn't seem to be moved by the boy's outburst. In fact, it seemed plainly amused. "__**I didn't awaken... in the literal sense of the word. I can't do that, remember?**__" The Fourteenth explained as calmly as ever. "__**I simply took over your consciousness while you were too tired to notice.**__" The Noah's smile widened, as he went on. "__**Didn't Kanda tell you already? You need to stay strong if you want to keep me at bay.**__"_

_The white-haired clenched his teeth together, fighting with himself not to break the mirror from all the anger he currently felt. "So, what? We're enemies now?" He asked with sarcasm and fake amusement. "I thought you wanted to cooperate."_

_"__**True...**__" The phantom didn't seem to be moved by the boy's words, and it made Allen want to break something down all the more. "__**Why don't we make a deal, then? Take us somewhere and I'll promise not to hurt Kanda anymore.**__"_

He didn't like this, not one bit. By now he knew that the Fourteenth was not to be trusted. But given the circumstances, he didn't want to take any more risks. One was always better safe than sorry. And at the moment, Kanda was more important to him than anything else.

And when the dark-haired asked him if it was his idea - the idea behind the promise the Fourteenth made to him - he lied. He didn't want Kanda to be angry with him, thinking that this was all part of the Fourteenth's plan as well.

* * *

"Allen-kun!"

The white-haired boy was taken a bit off-guard when Lenalee literally threw herself on him, giving him a tight hug. Though he managed to catch her with ease, letting out a quiet chuckle. He embraced the girl in return.

"Lenalee... long time no see."

Lavi approached the three with a cheeky grin on his face.

"And we find you two together." The red-head's gaze shifted from Allen to Kanda, as if implying something. "I was wondering why we didn't hear anything from you for the past days, Yuu. No fair, did you want to keep Allen all to yourself?"

Everyone's attention turned to the Japanese man, though Kanda didn't seem to be moved by the words. In fact, he seemed royally pissed for whatever reason.

"Hey, don't give me that look now..." Lavi suddenly feared for his well-being.

"Um, how did you guys find us here, anyway?" Allen figured a change of topic was necessary.

"That was my mastermind at work, dear Allen." The red-head crossed his arms, a triumphant look on his face. "Ya see, it all started when–"

"Oh, Lavi, please." Lenalee cut the other off, chuckling at the silliness of the situation. She finally let Allen go, looking him straight in the eyes. "We just figured there was a slight chance you'd come here on your birthday. And what do you know!"

Shock and bewilderment plastered itself on the youngest boy's face. "My... My _what_?"

"Your birthday, silly!" The female Exorcist laughed amusedly. "Don't you know what day it is today? It's the twenty fifth of December!"

That Allen was shocked was an understatement. No, he didn't keep track of the dates recently, everything just happened too fast during the past few days. He couldn't even recall what day it was when Kanda had found him. And he completely forgot about Christmas, let alone his birthday. Well, what a nice present he got.

Though somewhere in the back of his mind, something made him feel uneasy at the realization. Did the Fourteenth know about this date? Was this somehow tied to the reason he wanted to come here?

Assuming from the look on Allen's face, Lenalee concluded he totally did not remember. "Well..." She threw Lavi a glance, and the red-head approached the boy as well. "Happy birthday, Allen!" They said it at the same time, smiling.

"Hey, Yuu, wish Allen happy birthday as well!" Lavi suddenly yelled, turning to the Japanese. "You didn't do it yet, did you?"

"No, and I have no intention to. Shut up, stupid rabbit, you're so annoying!" Kanda suddenly exploded, speaking for the first time since their reunion. And he sounded far from amused.

Truth to be told, he had no idea how Allen could stay so calm and act all cheery with the two while he was fighting with his thoughts what the bloody hell even do now. Didn't he get what situation they were in? The fact that they have been found meant nothing good - far from it. They were in so much deep shit already that he considered doing something he didn't even want to think about.

"And you, Walker, are so damn stupid!" Kanda hissed and approached the boy, catching him by the collar. "Just like with Cross, you let your moves be read like from a book! Any other brilliant ideas where we should head to next?"

"Well, excuse me, but I didn't foresee this." The white-haired frowned and stared back Kanda in the eyes with equal intensity, though keeping his cool. "You're such a damn mood-ruiner, Kanda."

"Nothing has changed." Lavi suddenly commented and sighed, shrugging. "You still fight like an old married couple."

The red-head decided to shut up the moment he felt two murderous auras being directed at him.

"Guys, guys, please calm down!" Lenalee butted in, bringing Kanda and Allen apart. "We're not here to fight, are we? And what's with all the tense atmosphere, Kanda?" She frowned at the dark-haired man. "Are we your enemies now or what?"

The Japanese seemed to calm a bit down at the words, though he still kept his guard up.

"He probably woke up at the wrong side of the bed, like always." The future bookman couldn't help but comment again, giving the man a weak punch to the shoulder. "Chill, Yuu!"

"You're so in for it now, you stupid rabbit!"

"Guys!"

"Kanda!" Allen's yell brought the Japanese's attention back to him, and the two other Exorcist's as well. "Okay, now that we're all back together, why don't we go somewhere nice and have a chat? I have a feeling it's going to rain any second now–" The boy pointed to the sky, wanting the others to notice the dark clouds above them. "–and this graveyard is hardly an appropriate place for that. I have a lot to tell you, and I'm sure you have a lot to tell me as well. So..."

Lavi and Lenalee only smiled at the words, giving a slight nod. "Sure. Sounds good."

"Only that..." Allen added, suddenly not so sure of his own words. "Will we be going back to the Order after this?"

"Of course!" Lenalee answered cheerfully. "We've moved and it looks a bit different now, but I'm sure you'll like it. And everyone's there, too! Krory, Miranda, Marie, they all..." The girl suddenly trailed off, noticing the change in the white-haired boy's face expression. He was smiling, but he seemed kind of... sad. "What's wrong...? Don't you want to return?" She asked worriedly.

"No, it's not that." Allen tried his best at making his smile seem less fake. He could conclude from Lenalee's reaction that the two weren't aware of anything yet. "Just–"

"He's not going back."

It was Kanda's voice – sharp and confident – that interrupted the boy, startling everyone present. Allen turned to look at the Japanese, eyes wide with surprise.

"And I'm not going back, either."

* * *

They've found an inn not far from their point of reunion and decided to stay there for the time being. The weather has gotten worse in the meantime, but they were already inside the building once it started raining.

Compared to the last place Kanda and Allen stayed at, this inn was a lot bigger and seemed trim, making for a nice place of conversation. The cafeteria at the ground floor was big and overall empty, so the four decided to stay there and converse to their heart's content, accompanied by a variety of drinks and meals.

Kanda sat quietly with folded arms and closed eyes in the corner while Lavi and Lenalee simply turned to ears as Allen started to go on with his story.

And he told them everything. He told them about the Ark, about the white room, about the shadow he started seeing, why he was put under surveillance, about Mana, about his escape from the Order, about his Master's words, about the stigmata that appeared on his body... And finally, about the Fourteenth.

* * *

"There's... There's a Noah inside of you?" Lenalee was the first to speak, breaking the silence that managed to envelop the room after Allen's last words. That she was shocked was an understatement, and the white-haired boy couldn't really blame her.

Lavi seemed more composed, almost as if expecting to hear something of this caliber, but Allen was positive he was also torn on the inside, even if only a little bit. "So... the Order wants to restrain you because of this..."

Lenalee suddenly stood up, whamming her hands on the wooden table. "And we were supposed to welcome you back to Headquarters without knowing anything..." She trailed off as her body started to shake. "Even my brother didn't mention a word about it to me... That's... That's...!"

"It's not your fault, Lenalee. Or Komui's." Allen reassured her wholeheartedly. "I'm sure Rouvelier's behind all this. Or someone else from Central."

More silence followed, full of thoughts, unspoken words and a heavy atmosphere. Neither of the Exorcists kept eye contact, their gazes glued to the table before them.

"...What now?" Again, Lenalee was the one to speak first. "...What do we do now?" She seemed lost.

"That's a good question." Allen sighed. "To tell you the truth, I was intending to go back after visiting Mana's grave... But apparently Kanda isn't fond of this idea." Allen turned in the Japanese's direction, finally bringing the topic up again – he wanted to ask this ever since they left the graveyard. "...Kanda, why?"

The dark-haired didn't even bother to open his eyes as he spoke. "Because you're stupid."

"Hey!"

"Give me a break!" The Japanese suddenly snapped, throwing the boy an angry look. "You think locking you up will protect us? How do you intend to protect anyone if you can't even protect yourself?"

The youngest boy opened his mouth, intending to complain and fight back out of sole reflex, but the words he wanted to say have stuck in his throat.

_Since when do you care...?_

How could he ask such a thing? Was he really this stupid not to notice? Kanda still acted like a total ass most of the time, but... It was pretty obvious he simply wanted to keep the boy away from harm. He just did it in his own, rude way.

Allen had to look away at the realization, Kanda's sharp gaze suddenly making him feel uneasy.

"Allen, Kanda is right..." Lenalee admitted, interrupting the two. "You mustn't return. Not like this. Not because of us..."

"Say, this Fourteenth..." Lavi suddenly spoke as well, looking thoughtful. "He was the Noah who betrayed the Earl, right? I know this might be a stupid thing to ask, but... where does that leave him? Is he really our enemy?"

"To tell you the truth... I have no idea anymore." Allen answered, a bit hesitant. "I talked with him, but... He speaks in riddles, makes deals and promises things... though all of it seems like some kind of game to him. A while back, he assured me that he's on my side, but yesterday..." The boy threw Kanda a short glance. "He awakened for the first time... and tried to attack Kanda."

The white-haired figured he'd keep the actual details out of this.

"Whoa... Not fun." Lavi scratched the back of his head, while Lenalee looked at the Japanese man worriedly.

"He's not that strong." Kanda assured. "I could take him on on my own with ease."

"Still, we don't know what he's really capable of." The white-haired pointed out, displeased from the other's self-confidence. "He is the Noah of Creation, after all. He might have some–"

_**Walker, let me talk to them.**_

Allen froze at the all too familiar voice that suddenly echoed in his mind. He looked to the side, noticing his reflection in the glass of the room's window (which was pretty clear because of the bad weather outside). His and the Fourteenth's.

Mixed feelings assaulted him.

"What's wrong?" Kanda asked, noticing the boy's sudden uneasiness.

"...The Fourteenth wants to talk to you guys." The three other Exorcists went alert at the words. "Though I think it's far from a good idea..."

"What... What does he want?" Lenalee asked with uncertainty.

"Beats me." Allen sounded far from amused. "And I doubt he'll just tell me like this."

"Let him." Everyone's attention turned to Kanda, the latter as serious as ever. "Let's see what that bastard has to say."

The white-haired boy stared at the Japanese in silence, uneasiness in his eyes. He wasn't sure of this. Why did Kanda seem so certain and composed, asking him this?

"You need to promise me..." The youngest Exorcist spoke, his face expression becoming dead serious. "That you will stop him if he tries anything. Stop him under any cost, and don't worry about hurting me. And... please, be careful."

* * *

Everyone observed Allen, as the boy stood up, making his way to the opposite side of the table, so that he was facing his friends. He inhaled deeply before closing his eyes, standing there for a few seconds without moving an inch.

When the boy's eyes opened up again, slowly, they had the color of gold and honey, so very different from the boy's dim, silver ones. Nobody dared to move as the orbs shifted to Lenalee, then to Lavi, and finally to Kanda.

After that, a cheeky grin appeared at the white-haired boy's lips.

"...Hello, my fellow Exorcists. We finally have a chance to meet in person." The voice was Allen's, but at the same time it sounded so very different from the boy's natural one.

"Save your sweet-talk for someone that's naive enough to fall for it." Kanda hissed, as he stared at the Noah before them dangerously.

"My, someone's in a bad mood again." The Fourteenth commented amusedly. "Still feeling frustrated, Kanda dear?" There was a weird, implying glimmer in his eyes.

And the dark-haired man couldn't stop himself from punching the bastard straight in the face. Before even Lavi or Lenalee had a chance to react, the boy before them flew to the nearest table behind him, crashing into it and breaking it apart. Kanda continued to advance towards him without thinking twice.

"Kanda!"

"Yuu!"

But before he knew it, the two other Exorcists were holding him by his sides, trying to stop his sudden outburst. It seemed to do the trick, though he couldn't care less about either of them at the moment. "Know your place, you son of a bitch!"

The Fourteenth didn't say anything back to that, as he kept sitting on the floor, apparently still dazed from the impact. At least his smile was gone – Kanda swore to God that he'd hit the bastard again were he still amused after getting a hit to his face.

The boy brought his hand to his cheek, licking a small trail of blood from the corner of his lips, before he finally stood up.

And he smiled at the three again, though his smile didn't seem that amused anymore – his face expression became rather more daring and dangerous.

"You are right, Kanda." The Fourteenth admitted, staring the dark-haired man straight in the eyes. "In my current state I don't stand a chance against you guys. Right now, I'm just a weak, helpless boy who can't even activate his Innocence. If I were able to use my abilities, it would be a completely different story..."

"Che. I'd like to see you try." The Japanese hissed, trying to get closer to the Noah, but Lavi and Lenalee kept him firmly in place.

"Maybe someday you will." The white-haired smiled, sounding promising. "Right now, Allen's body makes it hard for me to do anything besides taking over his consciousness."

"So you admit that we can kick your ass without even trying." Kanda raised an eyebrow at this, his voice full of mockery. "And I thought Walker was stupid."

The boy's smile widened at this. "You see, Kanda... Strength isn't everything."

"And your point is?"

"I was part of the Noah family. I know everything about them. I know their abilities and their weaknesses – every single one of them. I know stuff about the Earl the Order could only dream of ever knowing." The Fourteenth explained while the three Exorcists listened to him with both confusion and interest. "I have information that could turn out more than useful to you guys... And I plan to share that information with you, only if you agree for us to work together."

Kanda frowned at this suspiciously, not liking what he heard.

"Uh... Where's the catch?" Lavi was the one to ask this time.

"You want to kill the Earl. I want to kill the Earl. We have the same goal." The white-haired continued, turning more serious. "I can't do it on my own – or rather, Allen can't do it on his own, even with my help. You Exorcists – Allen aside – don't stand a chance against him, either. But together, we might get somewhere."

"I fail to understand why you exclude Walker from the Exorcist group." Kanda pointed out, displeased.

"Oh? In fact, I should be excluding you from it as well." The dark-haired man seemed perplexed at this. "You said it yourself, Kanda – that you're not returning to the Order anymore. You wanted to cut your ties from Headquarters together with Walker, didn't you?"

Both Lavi and Lenalee looked at their Japanese friend with uncertainty.

"That's because that idiot–"

"–because Allen wanted to turn himself over? Oh, please, I think we both know there's more to it than that. It's actually pretty clear that neither of you guys are fond of the Order's way of doing things. The only thing that's still keeping you there is probably Komui and you Exorcists yourselves."

"That's not true!" Lenalee raised her voice all of a sudden, letting Kanda go. "Don't speak of us as if you knew!"

"I know what Allen knows and I'm pretty sure he thinks the same." The Noah exclaimed, staring at the girl intently. "Lenalee dearest, stop trying to fool yourself."

"Hey, watch it." Lavi warned, suddenly getting all defensive as well.

The Fourteenth took a moment to stare at the three Exorcists before him, before deciding to speak again. "_'There's another side to this war. Don't die before it's over this time.' _Those were the words that Cross directed at Allen when he's seen him for the last time. Do you know what he meant?"

Everyone waited for the Noah to continue.

"He meant us."

"Us?" Both Lenalee and Lavi asked at the same time.

"Yes, _us_. A third front of people that are neither on the Earl's or the Order's side. A force that wants to bring the Earl to his demise, acting on its own recognition, independent of the Pope's or Central's orders. Just think about it." The boy paused for a short moment. "We could do things our own way, with no Rouvelier or anyone else to tell us better."

"You make it all sound so easy..." Lavi was the one to interrupt. "But I think things aren't as simple as you picture them to be."

"Oh, aren't they, now?" That wasn't the kind of reaction the red-head expected to see. "Ask Komui. Ask all the other Exorcists. Ask your dear science department, even. You think they wouldn't like this idea?"

"What about the Generals?" Lavi couldn't help but ask.

"The Generals?" The Fourteenth repeated, sounding amused. "What's three Generals against one and a dozen of Exorcists who already exceeted their limits way above Exorcist level?"

"Three against one?" Lenalee didn't follow.

"Cross will be joining our side, if that's not obvious yet."

"...How are you so sure of this?" The girl asked again.

"Let's say... we have a history together."

"So Cross _did_ betray the Order." Kanda pointed out, anger in his voice.

"Betray? Hardly. He was never with the Order to begin with."

"What?" Both Lavi and Lenalee spoke as if they couldn't believe what they were hearing. "So General Cross was a spy? You have got to be kidding us... Did Allen know about this?" The red-head asked in disbelief.

"No." The Fourteenth answered calmly, looking away for the first time since his awakening. "He doesn't know about this yet."

Silence enveloped the room, while everyone got lost in their own thoughts on the matter.

Lenalee wasn't sure what to think. Could they really trust the Fourteenth? He was a Noah... but he didn't seem to be that bad of a person. He did have a couple of good points. And there was still Allen... Would her brother approve of this idea? Would the others approve of this idea...? If she could go on living without having to confront Rouvelier ever again...

"What if we refuse?" Kanda suddenly asked, startling the others out of their thoughts.

"Hmm..." The white-haired boy looked thoughtful. "Well, that would be a pity. After all the effort we've went through." The Fourteenth admitted with a straight face. "But I don't understand. What is it that you want, Kanda? You don't want to return to the Order, or do you?"

"If I am to follow anyone, it won't be a goddamn Noah." The Japanese hissed and his words seemed to have startled the boy, though a smile appeared at the Fourteenth's lips shortly after.

"But of course. I wouldn't even imagine you could trust me after such a short amount of time. That goes to either of you." He admitted. "Allen will be the leader, naturally."

"Walker?"

"Or would you prefer to be the leader instead? It's either him or you. I don't see anyone else fitting for the job here."

At that point, Kanda had to take a moment to wonder. As much as he found the idea absurd, the bastard did have a point – it was either Walker or him. But being a leader was great responsibility – one he wasn't sure he would like taking, as much as he hated to admit it. There was no way in hell he would leave everything on the boy's shoulders as well, however.

"We'll decide this with Walker on our own." Kanda decided after a moment of thought. "So scram."

The Fourteenth smiled at this even more. "As you wish. Just fill Allen in on everything once I'm gone, he probably won't be aware of any part of our conversation."

Lenalee gave a slight nod in agreement as the boy threw her one last glance. After that...

"And, Bookman Jr..." The Noah spoke in a serious tone, his gaze shifting to Lavi. "There will be no place for you here until you abandon your duty as the future Bookman. I think you should know that more than anyone."

* * *

Holy crap, if you're wondering where the hell this story is going... then let yourself be surprised further. :D I was actually amused at all your "no, Allen, don't return to the Order!" notes, since it wasn't bound to happen from the very beginning. /is evil/

I have no idea what to think of this chapter, I wanted it to end elsewhere, but the whole 14th/everyone conversation took way longer than I thought it would. If you found it boring... then the next chapter will be more exciting, I promise. With a lemon on top. xd

Oh, and if I ever get the idea of abandoning this story, I'm sure I'll let you guys know. So rest assured, until that happens (which I'm positive won't happen) I'll keep on writing this story to the very end. Even if the updates might go slow.

Thank you for all the wonderful reviews, as always! Love you guys! :D


	17. Forbidden fruit

**Warnings: **Violence, bad language, _someone_ being flirty and perverted, lots of various pairings and pairing implications (I don't want to spoil, so let yourself be surprised), some sexual themes and slight sexual stuff.

* * *

**~Gone Forever~  
Chapter 17: Forbidden fruit  
**

* * *

The sky was starting to get dark.

Lenalee stared at the town before her, leaning on the railing of the inn's balcony. The air was moist and fresh because of the rain that accompanied them during their whole conversation earlier. She inhaled deeply, enjoying the feeling of oxygen entering her lungs.

She thought about things. About everything Allen told her, about the Fourteenth's words... She thought about everything she came to learn this very day.

Ever since the white-haired boy left the Order, she couldn't stop wondering what could have been the cause of his disappearance. She thought that her brother was clueless about it as well, telling them all to go and search for Allen. And bring him back.

Just how much did the Order actually know? Was her brother faking ignorance simply to fool Central? Was it for her and everyone else's sake? Did Komui foresee that everything would come to light once they found Allen? That everything would turn out like this? And General Cross... Did he really join forces with the Noah at that time, just to get rid of Rouvelier–

The sound of footsteps startled the girl out of her thoughts.

"Allen-kun?" The girl turned around, noticing the white-haired boy's silhouette. Her enthusiasm faded quite quickly, however. "Ah, no... it's..."

"It's me." The Fourteenth confirmed Lenalee's doubts, noticing her sudden confusion. Calmly, he approached the fence as well. "I thought you might have wanted to speak with Kanda after being apart for so long."

The female Exorcist stared at the boy, wondering if it was okay to simply speak with him like this... He looked like Allen, and yet, at the same time, everything seemed so different about him. His way of speaking, his way of moving... even the way he looked at her.

When Lenalee noticed the boy's eyes on her, she tried to hide her discomfort, looking back at the buildings before them. "...That's true. But I wanted to let the two speak with each other first."

"So considerate of you." The boy gave her a weak smile, and then – after a short moment – approached her carefully. "Hey, it's okay. I don't bite." The Fourteenth assured, reaching and taking the girl's hand in his, placing a light kiss on her palm. "To tell you the truth, I wanted to meet you in person for a long time now... Lenalee."

The female Exorcist couldn't help but blush at the gesture, totally lost how to react to that.  
"Oh, please... You're flattering me." She chuckled bashfully, trying her best to be polite.

Was... Was the Fourteenth trying to flirt with her? As much as the idea seemed absurd... having Allen's appearance, it was something she would have trouble ignoring.

Lenalee figured a change of topic was necessary.

"I knew something was wrong when Allen left..." She spoke, looking away, her face expression suddenly saddening. "But I never imagined it could be something like this."

The Noah stared at her for a moment, as if trying to figure her out. He seemed serious, no cocky smile on his lips, no amusement in his eyes, no nothing. "You like Allen a lot, don't you?"

The Fourteenth's words made Lenalee look at him with surprise, though her shock faded quickly, only to be replaced with more sadness. "...You asking me that feels a little awkward."

The boy took a moment to think, a weak smile appearing on his lips. "...True, it must be weird."

"But... we've never met before. Why the question?" The girl couldn't help but ask.

"I can tell such things. And honestly? You can see it from a mile away. After all, I can see through Allen's eyes, even though he can't see through mine... yet."

"That's..." Lenalee trailed off. "That's kind of unfair."

"Isn't it?" The Fourteenth gave her and apologetic look, startling her with the gesture a bit. "Not only that is unfair. Even though I wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for Allen... I feel sorry for him. It's a pity my brother had to choose him – of all people – to be my vessel. Allen's such a good boy, he doesn't deserve this."

Lenalee wasn't sure what it was – the calmness in the Noah's voice, his sincerity, his words – everything he said made something move inside of her, almost making her eyes water. "...Isn't there anything we can do?" She asked, swallowing, wanting to get rid of the lump that suddenly appeared in her throat.

"I don't know." The Fourteenth admitted. "But I think Allen won't disappear for good if he's strong enough. It should be in your interest to keep him here. His friends should encourage him to go on." As cheesy as all of this actually sounded, the Noah kept saying it with a straight face. As if he really meant his words.

"Why are you telling me this?" Lenalee asked with both suspicion and uncertainty. "Why are you trying to help us with this to begin with, when it clearly goes to your disadvantage?"

The Fourteenth smiled at this widely. "If I told you that it simply makes things more interesting and fun, would you believe me?"

Lenalee kept staring at the boy before her in silence, trying to figure out how to even react to that. Was the Fourteenth for real? And if he was... Should she simply go along with it?

"That, or you have some ulterior motive in giving us clues." Lenalee concluded, bringing her index finger up to her chin, looking perfectly calm. "Or maybe you just want to sweet-talk yourself into my sympathy."

"Oh my." The Noah seemed bewildered, but didn't cease to smile. "You're smarter than you look, my lady."

The female Exorcist couldn't help but chuckle at this, though she wasn't sure if that was supposed to be a joke or another discrete attempt at flirting with her. "Come on." She tried to laugh it off, then paused for a moment which passed in silence.  
"But... You seem nice. I don't feel any malice coming from you, even though you're a Noah." She admitted with honesty. "Are you really willing to help us?"

For whatever reason, the boy seemed to be taken aback by the words. "I..." He started, but trailed off, turning silent for a longer moment, as if to think about it. "Maybe I just grew fond of Allen, myself. I know it's weird, I seem to be pulling his legs all the time, but in reality I don't want him to get in harm's way."

"...Do you really mean that?" Lenalee asked with uncertainty, but also a bit of hope. "But... shouldn't it be natural for you to care about his well-being since you share the same body?"

"Well, that is part of the reason, I guess." The Fourteenth admitted. "If Allen were to die, I would disappear as well, after all."

"So it's more like you have no choice."

"I could say no, but... When you get to spend a lot of time together, you grow fond of people despite yourself. And I've been with Allen for a while now."

Lenalee didn't know what to say to that, so she fell silent. The Fourteenth seemed to have noticed her uncertainty, though. And before she knew it, the boy approached her, looking her straight in the eyes.

"Allen isn't that blind, either, you know." He started all of a sudden, his voice sincere. "He suspects that you like him as well."

The words made Lenalee's heart want to jump out of her chest, as it started to race like crazy. Was this true? Did Allen really know? And... why was the Fourteenth bringing it up all of a sudden? Why was he telling her this? It was wrong, talking about this with him, without Allen's presence and awareness, and yet...

"...What does he think about me, then?" Lenalee gave in to curiosity.

"...I don't know that." Wasn't it a lie?

She looked down, hiding her eyes under her bangs. "Is there anyone else Allen likes?"

The Fourteenth was surprised to hear this, though didn't show any signs of it. The girl didn't know? Didn't Lavi tell her? Or was she just faking unawareness, wanting to confirm it on her own?  
"Why not ask him yourself?"

The question made Lenalee look back at him, a mix of confusion, uncertainty and sadness in her eyes.

"Or are you too scared?" As much as it should sound offending, the sincerity in the Noah's voice made it sound anything but that. His words were affectionate and caring. "...Lenalee?"

She had no idea when it happened, when it came to this and how, but the person before her was suddenly lifting her chin up with his hand – his face just inches away from hers – those golden pools boring into hers, but calmly, and for a moment there she really wanted to give in. Have a taste of those lips which she always wondered how'd feel on hers, of the boy she grew to care for and like so much.

But this wasn't Allen.

...And it was wrong.

As the Fourteenth suddenly felt a finger pressing to his lips, creating a barrier between them, and Lenalee shook her head weakly in disaproval... he understood the gesture and pulled away.

"You might not get a second chance." Despite the rejection, he didn't seem to be affected by it that much. He gave the girl a weak smile, not breaking eye contact. "You sure?"

* * *

"So... Are you guys together now?"

Kanda grunted at the words, displease written all over his face. He just _knew_ that idiot would start asking him questions about Walker sooner or later, and the whole talk earlier was just an excuse to finally bring the topic up. Lavi really should start minding his own goddamn business.  
"Does it _look_ as if we were together to you?" The dark-haired man hissed.

"Well, not that you'd show it in front of us. But you did kind of... you know, _hug_ in front of a grave when we found you."

So they really did catch that. Goddamn, this was so troublesome. "Well, believe me it had nothing to do with us being together. Far from that."

Lavi seemed more than unimpressed. "And you want me to buy that, Yuu?"

"For the last time, stop calling me–"

"You became so protective of him." Lavi ignored the other's threat. "You might not admit it, but you really do care about Allen, don't you?"

"No. And stop getting the wrong idea."

The red-head sighed. "You're in so much denial."

"What about you?" Kanda suddenly asked in return, apparently ignoring the other's comment as well. "Did you tell her already?"

"Nah... you know I can't do that." Lavi closed his eyes, supporting his head with his hands pressed to the surface of the table.

And a longer moment passed in complete silence.

But then, the one eyed's expression became serious. "Speaking of which, didn't Lenalee say she'd be back in a while? It's kinda... past midnight already."

"She's probably talking with Walker." Kanda concluded as if nothing.

"Um... not that I want to imply anything, but..." The red-head asked, unsure. "How do the Fourteenth's appearances actually work?"

Uncertainty flashed through the Japanese's face at the words, the sudden realization striking him like lightning. _They didn't–_ If the Fourteenth really _did_ do something to her – right next to their very reach – he'd seriously kill himself. How could they be so goddamn _careless_?

Though Lenalee wasn't weak, and Kanda dearly believed she'd have what it takes to protect herself. Still, this was the Fourteenth they were talking about, and that bastard was not to be underestimated. For reasons more than one.

It was a matter of seconds before the two Exorcists were making their way through the cafeteria, marching upstairs.

Lenalee's and Lavi's shared room was their first destination – and they reached it with the hope of finding the girl in bed, sound asleep.

To their dissatisfaction, the room was empty.

The balcony next to the room was empty as well.

The last place left to look was Kanda's and Allen's room, though both the Japanese and the red-head were getting a bad feeling about this.

Not dwelling on the possibilities, the dark-haired man reached for the door, swinging it open.

And_– _Well, Lenalee was there. And Allen, too, for that matter. Both fast asleep, laying on Walker's bed...

…Cuddled together.

At least they were in their clothes. And as much as Kanda was relieved to see them there in one piece... something inside of him twirled at the sight.

Lavi was probably affected as well, though he tried not to show it, either. "Uh... should we wake them up?"

One last glance, and Kanda turned to leave the room without dwelling on the sight too much. Whatever happened here shouldn't be any of his goddamned business _–_ at least that's what he wanted to believe. "...Leave them be."

* * *

Sitting back by the table downstairs, Kanda poured himself another cup of tea, and after a small sip, he turned to stare at the piece of porcelain as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. He seemed to get lost in thought, the usual frown present on his face.

"I think someone's jealous." Lavi deadpanned all of a sudden.

"You're the one to talk." The dark-haired snapped back, angry. "And I'm more worried. I've experienced on my own skin what that bastard's capable of. I wouldn't trust him with anybody."

"And you're telling me this _now_?" The red-head asked with sudden worry as well. "We should totally bring them apart!"

"She can look after herself, though. Walker won't do anything to her."

"Lenalee likes Allen, you know." Lavi pointed out angrily. "What if the Fourteenth realizes this and uses it to his advantage?"

* * *

The first thing that registered in his mind when he woke up was a pleasant warmth. Another person's warmth, to be exact _–_ something he found himself longing for more and more in the past few days. Well, the appetite grew with what it fed on, or so they said.

Despite himself, Allen snuggled into the warmth some more, burying his face in the other person's hair, smelling that scent... which _–_ to his sudden horror _–_ didn't match Kanda's at all.

When he opened his eyes, he could swear his heart stopped for a second or two.

"L-Lenalee?" He had no idea so many thoughts and case scenarios could pass one's head in such a short amount of time. Dear Lord, the Fourteenth did it _again_.

"Hnn?" The girl in his embrace purred lazily, apparently waking up just now as well. "Oh, Allen-kun." She acknowledged as if nothing, most likely too dazed to notice what situation they were actually in.

"Lenalee, what..." _Please, please, please tell me the Fourteenth didn't..._ The boy prayed to God and all that was holy.

The girl blinked sleepily, but then her eyes widened. As if struck by lightning, she jumped away from Allen, getting to sit on her knees on the bed. She laughed bashfully, as her face took in the shade of red. "I must have fallen asleep..." She said quickly. "Um... s-sorry about this." The girl apologized, but when she noticed Allen's terrified face expression, she started to flail her hands in front of her. "We didn't do anything, don't worry!"

"The Fourteenth..."

"Is a total flirt, I noticed. But really, don't worry, I didn't let it get to me." Lenalee assured before the white-haired boy managed to say anything else. "We just talked..."

Allen felt as if something has gotten off his chest. He exhaled in relief, though still couldn't help feeling a bit uncertain about all this.

When both of them managed to calm down a little, the female Exorcist continued. "...He doesn't seem that bad of a person."

This, in turn, made Allen frown and look away in displease. "You don't know what he's capable of. Damned show-off."

Lenalee turned sad at this. "I think we should give him a chance."

"That's what he wants you to do." The boy continued, still sounding angry. "I did, and I regret it."

A heavy silence fell after his words.

"Allen-kun... can I ask you something?"

Lenalee's sincere voice made Allen look at her and blink. "...What is it?"

"Is there anyone you like?"

The white-haired boy freezed at the words, obvious thoughts starting to assault him. And he sighed in irritation. "What did the Fourteenth tell you?"

"He told me to ask you myself."

"No, what did he _tell_ you?" The boy wasn't buying any of it. "Who brought up the topic in the first place?"

"I did." Lenalee admitted, looking the boy straight in the eyes, but then her courage wavered again and she had to look away. "He told me that you were aware... and I tried to ask him if there was anyone you liked, and... He didn't answer me. Said I should ask you myself instead." She explained, her voice getting quieter and quieter with every word. "Well, it was unfair of me to do that... I'm sorry, Allen-kun."

Allen just stared at her, uncertainty and uneasiness written all over his face. "...Aware of what?"

Another few seconds passed in complete silence as Lenalee didn't dare to look anywhere else beside the bed. "...Of me liking you."

The boy's features suddenly softened at the words, his gaze traveling to the surface of the bed as well. "Oh... So, you really do..." Walker said it more to himself than to the girl before him.

That, in turn, made Lenalee look in his direction, unexpected calmness in her eyes. "But... there's someone else, isn't there?"

Allen looked at her, not saying anything.

"...It's Kanda, isn't it?" The girl went on carefully.

The white-haired couldn't help but frown at the words. "What makes you think so?"

Surprisingly, Lenalee smiled at the question, giving the other an understanding look. "Allen-kun... It's okay."

And whatever Allen wanted to say next, words had died in his throat. He seemed torn as his gaze traveled elsewhere. "...It's one-sided, though."

"I think he likes you, too. He's just too stubborn to admit it." Lenalee brought her index finger up, waving it in front of herself, a motherly-kind of frown on her face. "He's been like that ever since he was a kid." She continued, though her face softened as she went on. "...The Order did some horrible things to him in the past. It changed him... It changed all of us. If it weren't for my brother, I wouldn't be the person I am now." Lenalee paused, looking pretty much sad by now. "I guess the Fourteenth did have a point... about us wanting to leave."

Allen stared at her as she spoke, realizing just now that indeed Lenalee knew Kanda for a longer while now. It was only natural she knew stuff about him he could only wish of knowing. But the Order doing something horrible to him? Kanda always seemed to be loyal to the Order... was there more behind that than the eye could see?  
"...What did they do to him?" The boy asked, unsure.

"I don't know any details. Kanda never talked to me about it." Lenalee shook her head in disapproval. "I only know about the fact from my brother."

"I see..." Allen saddened at this a bit.

"Maybe he'll open up to you one day."

Walker snorted at that. "Hell will freeze over when that happens."

"Then part of it must've already did." The girl smiled reassuredly. "He treats you differently from everyone else."

"Different doesn't mean better. You've seen how we jump to our throats all the time."

"He does that because he _cares_. You're not indifferent to him, Allen-kun." Lenalee pouted, the gesture making the boy want to laugh. "Didn't you notice how protective he's become of you?"

A small smile appeared on the boy's lips as he figured that there might be some truth in what Lenalee was saying. But... "Why are you encouraging me so, Lenalee? Shouldn't you..." He trailed off, hoping the female Exorcist would get the point.

She only smiled. "I want you two to be happy, obviously."

"But..."

"Shush." Lenalee raised her voice, only to continue calmly: "I've told you. It's okay."

* * *

"Okay, so like we planned. Since it would be too risky for Allen to return, Lenalee and I will go back to the Order and talk to everyone on our own." Lavi exclaimed, looking at everyone present in front of the inn. The sun was appearing on the sky lazily. "Kanda stays, so our Moyashi doesn't feel lonely."

"Screw you, Lavi." Allen backfired with a smile on his face, not really meaning his words.

"Yeah, love you, too." The red-head smiled at the boy in return. "And Yuu, stop cursing in front of Allen all the time! Look how you influenced his vocabulary!"

"As if, you damned Usagi!"

"See what I mean?"

"I'll never get you guys, seriously." Lenalee sighed in defeat. "Enough of that. Here." That said, she approached Allen and Kanda and handed them both something over. It was small and silver. "My brother gave me these for comunication. Put them on, so we can keep in touch. Me and Lavi already have a pair." Lenalee brushed her hair aside as she explained, revealing her ear with the mentioned earring on.

"Thanks." Allen said, observing the small piece of metal. "It looks so different from the one Bak gave me."

"Well, this one's smaller and easier to get around with." Lenalee smiled.

"Okay, let's rock." Lavi figured it was about time to go.

"Oh, an we'll try to get a new uniform for you as well, Allen-kun!" The girl shouted when they were already a few feet away, waving their friends goodbye.

"That would be nice! Thanks!" Allen yelled back, before he noticed that Kanda already started to walk in the opposite direction. And with one last glance at his two friends, he hurried to follow the dark-haired man.

"I've been wondering, though." Lenalee suddenly spoke, her words directed to Lavi. "Why did the Fourteenth want you to abandon your Bookman post?"

The red-head didn't look at the girl as they kept on walking. "Well, isn't it obvious? Since I'm the future Bookman, I can't get involved history personally - I'm just an observer that shouldn't take sides or do deciding things." Lavi explained as if nothing. "The Fourteenth apparently wants Allen to have allies he can trust and depend on."

* * *

The white-haired boy wasn't sure what could have been the cause _–_ did Lavi tell him something? Was it Lenalee? Was it the Fourteenth? _–_ but he was positive about one thing _–_ Kanda acted way more sullen than usual (as if it weren't bad enough as it is). They've travelled the whole day almost in complete silence _–_ with only a few questions and comments from his side, but that was about it.

And now, when they were ready with their supper, things haven't really changed. Allen didn't like it, and _–_ bluntly speaking _–_ was fed up with the tense atmosphere.

"Hey, did something happen?" The boy finally decided to ask, trying to look calm.

"What?"

"You're acting weird." Allen went on, supporting his head with a hand pressed to the table. "You've been acting weird ever since we split up with Lavi and Lenalee."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." The Japanese grunted, apparently still not interested in a conversation.

And the boy's frown only grew as he kept wondering what could have bitten Kanda so much.

Then it suddenly hit him.

"...You've seen us." Allen said as if he just discovered something, then tuned in the dark-haired's direction with slightly widened eyes. "You've seen us, haven't you?"

"Seen what?" The other didn't even bother to look at him in return.

"Kanda, it was the Fourteenth's doing..." Allen explained, already set on the other's denial in admitting anything. "And Lenalee assured me they didn't do anything, so... Don't be mad at me because of that."

Mad? Who was saying anything about anyone being mad? "I don't care what either of you did." Kanda shrugged as if nothing. "Why are you even trying to explain yourself to me in the first place?"

The words cut like razors and even though Allen tried not to show it, he felt as if a part of him had just died inside. He knew perfectly well what this meant _–_ Kanda implying that it was none of his business, none of his concern, since they weren't together. Though he had to wonder... Was the Japanese really such a jerk or was this another one of his defensive approaches?

But fine, if he wanted to keep such a facade up, then be his guest. Allen could play the game as well. "Right. Sorry I even bothered." The boy snorted, crossing his arms, as if he were suddenly angry at the whole world.

And after a moment of silence, Kanda finally decided to stand up from the table. "I'm going to bed."

Allen only watched him leaving for the stairs, figuring he should go to sleep as well. Maybe things would get better in the morning.

* * *

Kanda cursed nights like these _–_ ones during which he couldn't get a decent rest. He had no idea what was wrong with him, but he simply couldn't fall asleep, even though he tried doing so during the past hour. Walker seemed already sound asleep, laying in the opposite bed beside him.

But really? Some honesty wouldn't hurt him, as long as he kept it to himself. He couldn't get over this for some reason and it pissed him off to no end. Why the fuck did this bother him so? He knew the Fourteenth was just trying to pull everyone's leg and Lenalee was easy prey to him or whatever. What happened wasn't Allen's fault. He knew that. Then why did it feel so...

_"I think someone's jealous."_

As Lavi's earlier words echoed in his mind, Kanda had the sudden urge to punch somebody. Hard. This must have been some kind of joke. There was no way he was...

"Can't sleep?"

The words made the Japanese sit up and look in the direction of the other bed instantly, his senses going alert. In the darkness of the room, he noticed the brat was sitting as well. This was just fucking brilliant. "What the hell do you want now?"

"I could keep you company." The Fourteenth spoke innocently, though Kanda was positive there was more than one meaning behind those words. He wasn't falling for any of the bastard's fucked up games again.

"Touch me again and you'll regret it." The Japanese hissed, malice flowing from his words.

"Was that a threat or an invitation?" The Noah asked in a seductive tone and Kanda cursed it all to hell. There was just no use in talking with that guy once he set his mind up about something. Well, at least he and Walker had one thing in common.

The next moment, the white-haired boy was on his feet, standing between both of their beds and Kanda had to restrain his urge to kill.  
"I'm warning you_–_ What the fuck are you doing?" The Japanese asked in horror as he noticed how the Noah started to work on the belt of his own pants.

"What does it look like? Isn't it uncomfortable to sleep in those?" The Fourteenth's words were full of faked innocence.

Kanda didn't like where this was going. "Lenalee turned you down so now you want to run back to me?"

"Hmm... She didn't turn me down."

"And you expect me to believe that."

The Fourteenth didn't say anything back to that, only showed a cocky smile which could imply more than Kanda wanted to even consider. _No, I'm not falling for any of it._

"Also, breaking your promise to Walker?"

"Promise?"

"Something about leaving someone alone, if I recall correctly." The dark-haired's words were full of sarcasm.

"Oh, but I am keeping that promise." The Noah spoke with amusement. "Only that it wasn't about leaving anyone alone. I said I wouldn't _hurt_ Allen's precious companion anymore. Silly boy, he needs to learn how to listen."

"Che. I've seen something like this coming." The Japanese was anything but happy about the fact.

"So, how's it going to be?" The white-haired purred, leaning towards the other, pressing his hands to the mattress of the bed.

"What's what_–_" Kanda went alert at the movement despite himself. "Try anything and I swear I'll tie you up, gag you and leave you like that till morning." He warned.

"Oh, are you into that kind of stuff, Kanda dear?" The Noah went on, totally unaffected by the other's threat.

"_Stop it_." The words sounded so sharp and demanding that the Fourteenth froze at them _–_ about time, too _–_ his face expression becoming serious. And he sat down on the bed as he stared at Kanda in a moment of silence.

"Why?"

Kanda stared at him in return. "What?"

"Why do you want me to stop?" The white-haired asked with a straight face. "I'm offering you pleasure without awaiting anything in return, and you don't want to take it." The Fourteenth frowned. "I don't get it."

"Were you some kind of whore in your past life or something?" The dark-haired stared at the other as if he were some kind of idiot. "Don't you have any dignity?"

"I simply know how to enjoy life." The Noah smiled. "Unlike most people."

"Well, not everyone's life revolves around sex, if you haven't noticed yet." Kanda grunted in displeasure.

"Then you're still too young to understand that." The words seemed to have angered Kanda even more, though the Japanese's eyes widened at the next ones. "Or is it because of Allen?" The Fourteenth asked, a smile making its way to his face, as if he just hit the nail on the spot. "That's it _–_ you're worried about Allen. You're afraid of hurting his feelings." The boy let out an amused laugh. "Kanda... did you fall in love with him?"

"What the fuck_–_" The dark-haired seemed offended _–_ his face full of anger, bewilderment and... was it embarrassment? "I'll kill you for even _getting_ such stupid ideas."

"Oh? Do you want to prove me otherwise, then?" The Noah asked in a tone that implied the obvious.

Though Kanda only frowned and closed his eyes in anger. "Stop trying to manipulate me_–_"

Which was apparently a mistake, because the next moment he felt a pair of lips pressing to his own _–_ they weren't as demanding as they were firm, and the Japanese stiffened at the touch, only to yank the bastard away a second after. The nerve of that guy_–_

When the hell did he get on his lap anyway_–_

Kanda cursed as he suddenly felt being rammed to the mattress, and maybe it was just him, but the Fourteenth seemed stronger than he previously gave him credit for. That didn't stop him from fighting back, though, but the moment he tried to toss the Noah down from him, he received a punch to the left side of his chest _–_ right where his tattoo was _–_ making him hiss out loud. The blow made a wave of electricity strike through his body, momentarily making his muscles go numb.

Curse that bastard, both for his promises and things he shouldn't know about.

"You wanted me to finish what I started." The Noah whispered to Kanda's ear all of a sudden, both staying still. "Then let me. It's going to feel good, I promise."

The dark-haired could feel a pair of lips pressing to his own again.

The lips that were Allen's, and yet not.

* * *

So, what do we have here? Lenalee/Allen, 14th/Lenalee, implications of Lavi/Lenalee, implications of Kanda/Allen and again, some 14th/Kanda? Holy cow, soap opera galore.

And kill me for ending it there, but if I were to write any further now, I'd rush it, so I'm saving the good stuff for later.

Thanks for the reviews, guys! And I hope I didn't disappoint you with this chapter, though I have a feeling I did… ._. /feels unsatisfied with it for some reason/


	18. This is how it feels

**Warnings:** Some plot bunnies going loose, violence, blood, excessive use of bad language, dirty talk, someone being a total _whore_, sex, bondage, rape, and a huge amount of angst.

Yes, be warned. This might be the most hardcore chapter I've written yet. o.o;

* * *

**~Gone Forever~  
Chapter 18: This is how it feels**

**

* * *

**

For a longer while, Kanda lay there like some kind of log, not responding to the white-haired boy's touches. He could feel the brush of lips against his own, as those warm cheeks traveled to his chin, to the side of his face, back and forth. The Fourteenth placed small kisses along his face with unexpected patience, soon adding his hands, trailing the dark-haired's skin with his fingers. It felt weird and puzzling – way too gentle for a person who forced himself upon someone with the help of a sword two days back.

But as he felt those lips pressing against his eagerly, only two case scenarios kept running through his mind.

The first was simple, since it involved shaking the bastard off (restrain if needed) and ignore whatever desire that was slowly starting to grow inside of him.

The second... Well, the second option wasn't as simple, but it had one big advantage: it would teach that damn bastard a lesson. And if Kanda tried hard enough, maybe the Fourteenth would reconsider messing with him ever again.

The latter option had also one big disadvantage, however...

But seeing as the Noah made such eager advances towards him, the Japanese figured he'd might as well take the risk. And enjoy it, while he was at it. His body wouldn't let him dwell on this forever, anyway.

When the Japanese finally decided to respond to the touch and part his lips, he could feel the Noah smirk against him.

Bastard. Hundred times bastard.

Kanda knew perfectly well where all of this was bound to go, and yet, the Fourteenth managed to surprise him with his further eagerness nevertheless.

"Hn..." A purr escaped his lips as he felt the boy's tongue invade his mouth with a demanding yet gentle force. Their lips melted together, their tongues starting to dance in a slow rhythm, and Kanda couldn't help but note somewhere on the back of his mind that the Fourteenth was definitely a good kisser.

He could lose himself in this, if he didn't know better.

"Mm–" The Noah grunted – more in surprise than in displeasure – when the Japanese suddenly bit him on the skilled muscle. Hard, yet not as strong to draw blood.  
"Oh..." The Fourteenth looked at the Japanese when he finally managed to pull away. He licked his lips, but – surprisingly – didn't smile. "I forgot Kanda likes to bite."

The Noah had no idea if it was something he said, but next thing he knew, he was being shoved away with a force so strong that he almost fell down the bed.

"What's wrong now?" He asked immediately, trying to suppress his anger. He didn't have patience for any hesitation issues anymore.

_Everything's wrong. _Kanda answered in his mind, frowning at the bastard before him. He made his mind up, justified his actions, and yet... it felt wrong. Kissing this bastard felt plainly _wrong._

This was fucked up. Even though it was Walker's body, it wasn't him. Beside his physical appearance – eye color aside – everything about him was different. His way of talking, his gestures, and most of all – his way of doing things. They were two completely different people that happened to look the same.

Kanda would be an idiot if he were to fall for looks alone. Who the hell did that bastard think he was? And giving in, he almost felt like some kind of goddamn cheater–

_Wait, what? _

Since when– Since when did he even _start_ to think like that?

He despised Walker for everything he was. The naive little boy who always wanted to save everyone, with a messed up concept of reality. Allen tried saving him, too – and one could think he even managed, be it back at the Ark, or be it back at the Order, once his Innocence did some crazy shit to him. But for the longer run, those things meant little.

In reality, Kanda was too fucked up to be saved from what he really needed saving from. And maybe, just maybe, he saw a part of himself in that naive little boy, otherwise he wouldn't be able to notice this in the first place: Allen needed saving as much as he did. Only that, unlike in regards to himself, he liked to believe there was still a some hope left for the boy.

Maybe that's the reason why he grew so protective of him. Maybe he wanted Walker to prove him that all the things he kept fighting for were really worth fighting for, because he lost hope in them a long time ago. Maybe he wanted to defend the boy, because he didn't want him to go through the same shit he once did. Allen wasn't weak, but he was still frail and easy to break.

And those eyes. Those goddamn eyes – the eyes of his _enemy_, a fucking _Noah_ – they screamed of mockery and experience while staring at him, deprived of any traces of innocence. Maybe Allen wasn't innocent either – not anymore – but at least he had some fucking _values_, no matter how stupid and naive they were. As much as Kanda hated to admit it, he must have grown fond of these values – or maybe he just grew fond of Allen himself – and...

He wanted to protect him from the Fourteenth.

Maybe that was the actual reason why he wanted to do this. He needed to hurt Allen first in order to save him from harm later.

...Or maybe that's what he wanted to believe, justifying his selfish actions.

_Fuck this._

"You'll regret messing with me, you asshole." Kanda suddenly warned, his voice full of anger – and there was no doubt that the sudden remark startled the Noah greatly. Though his surprise changed to amusement in a matter of moments.

"Oh? Was that a '_I'll fuck you till you don't know where's left or right anymore'?_" There was a note of mockery in the Fourteenth's voice. "Whatever made you change your mind all of a sudden?"

"I wonder." The dark-haired sounded too serious for it to be anything suggestive.

"Well, I'm thrilled, nevertheless." The Noah licked his lips again, his gaze turning dark.

And as Kanda caught the boy by the wrist, yanking him back towards himself, he repeated the very same words the Fourteenth directed to him during their first meeting:  
"Be careful what you wish for, _brat._"

* * *

The Fourteenth purred in delight as Kanda trailed his tongue along his neck, occasionally leaving small bites here and there. Sitting back in the other's lap, the Noah didn't even try to hide how much he enjoyed the physical contact, secretly amused how the sounds leaving his lips didn't leave the dark-haired unaffected, either. It was a matter of moments before he could feel something hard and warm pressing against his thigh.

Which, of course, seemed like a brilliant excuse for starting a conversation. "Does Allen attract you this much?"

Kanda had to wonder if pissing him off was some kind of messed up hobby of his. "Shut the hell up."

"Touchy subject, I see." The Noah smirked at the man. "Well, your body tells me more than I need to know."

The white-haired leaned in, trying to kiss Kanda again, but the Japanese didn't let him, aiming back at his neck. The Fourteenth didn't protest, taking what was being given to him, though he had to wonder why the sudden aversion. Did Kanda realize that the gesture felt too intimate for him?

_Heh. Stupid boy. _"Hey, Kanda..." The Noah purred, his voice thick with lust by now. "I found something nice in the bathroom today. And I'm sure you'll like it." He assured, brushing his lips against the dark-haired's earlobe. "It's on the cupboard behind us, though, so be so nice and help me get it."

A displeased growl was his immediate response. "You and your fucked up ideas. What did you come up with this time?"

"It will make you enjoy this more." The Fourteenth assured, purring into the other's ear seductively. "Come on... the experience might come in handy for you later. And seeing as you never got to use it with Allen, you don't know what you're missing on."

The Japanese had an idea what the Fourteenth could be talking about by now, but... Why was he mentioning Walker so much, when he seemed averse to the sole mention of him during their small ordeal earlier?  
"Stop acting as if you gave a damn about either of us."

"And here I was, trying to be nice." The Noah deadpanned as he leaned back, giving Kanda even more access to his exposed neck.

"Sure you were." The Japanese didn't sound impressed.

"Mm..." Another purr left the boy's lips as he felt another bite. He ended up tangling his fingers in the long strands of black hair, pressing his body to the other man's even harder. "Come on, help me get the lubricant."

"What if I don't want to use it?"

"Well... Allen will be the one feeling the consequences, not me."

And there he went – mentioning the brat yet again. What the fuck was he trying to accomplish with this?

...But it was enough of a good reason, he guessed.

"Unless you want to be on the receiving end, but I doubt you do." The Fourteenth added, slight amusement in his voice.

Kanda stiffened at the words, momentarily pulling away, seeming offended by the mere thought. "Don't even _dream_ about it." He hissed angrily.

"Well, like I said, I figured as much." The Noah looked at him, smiling mischievously. "But why the sudden anger? Does it step on your pride, Kanda? Surely I don't need to remind you that you let yourself be taken by Allen once–"

A smack to the face shut him up.

"Are you trying to piss me off on purpose?" The Japanese growled, threatening to get violent.

The Fourteenth simply smiled back at him. "You're more fun when you're angry."

Kanda was at a loss for words.

* * *

"...Come on."

They were a pile of tangled limbs by now and Kanda couldn't help but feel some type of morbid satisfaction as the Fourteenth grew more and more impatient underneath him. He caressed the boy's chest with his fingers, trailing circle-like patterns along his hardened nipples. His hands soon traveled lower, to his hips, and to his thighs.

The little moans and hisses that escaped the Noah's lips every time he touched him the right way didn't leave the Japanese unaffected either, though. The desire in him grew so much, he felt as if he'd go crazy any minute. And the brat's occasional brushes–

"Come on, stick them in me already." The Fourteenth ordered between heavy pants, his voice thick with lust. "Or do you want me to do it myself?"

Kanda tried to shake off the visions that suddenly appeared in his mind, pretty certain that Walker would never act like this in front of him.

Pouring some of the lubricant they fetched earlier onto his hand, the Japanese didn't dwell on anything anymore, his own need making it hard to think straight. And with one go, he slipped a finger inside the white-haired, not expecting for it go in this smoothly. Only more sounds escaped the Noah's lips as he started to stretch him.

"Oh yes... Just like that..." The Fourteenth purred.

"You seriously have no shame."

"Doesn't it turn you on?" The boy asked, catching a fistful of Kanda's long hair again, only to yank him closer, getting a chance to whisper into his ear. "All this dirty vocabulary... And this delicious voice..."

The Japanese shoved the brat back to the mattress, telling himself that the voice he was hearing right now sounded anything but the boy's he knew. He continued where he left off, when–

"Come on, give it to me."

This was sick. Was this bastard really so oversexed and shameless that nothing else mattered to him anymore? Getting involved with him was starting to make Kanda feel bad with himself.

All of it just felt so fucking wrong.

"...Impatient brat."

Taking a moment more to prepare the boy, he pulled his fingers away, only to replace them with something bigger, just like the bastard wanted. The feeling of his member inside that tight warmness was nothing to be compared with, and he didn't want to dwell on how-s and why-s any longer, because nothing that involved the Fourteenth had any actual meaning in his eyes anymore.

"Oh… yes…" The Noah moaned in delight at the intrusion, tangling his hands in Kanda's hair yet again. And as the man started to move, he yanked on the long strands spontaneously, losing himself in the moment.

"Watch it." The Japanese hissed, displeased with the fact that anyone was trying to play with his hair.

"Ah… Harder, Kanda… Harder…!" The Fourteenth seemed ignorant of the threat, as he started to rock his hips against the man's in a matching rhythm, seeking something even more intense.

"Shut the fuck… up…" All the talking was seriously starting to piss Kanda off.

But he kept moving and his breathing became louder and louder as they went on, slowly losing themselves in the pace. The Noah didn't mind expressing his delight in the form of shameless moans, and even though the Japanese felt the urge to smack him one over the head and shut him up, he couldn't hide the effect the sounds had on him. It was a matter of moments before the dark-haired felt himself reaching the edge.

But he managed to restrain himself and stop.

"…At the edge already?" Surprisingly, the Noah's voice didn't sound mocking. "…It's okay. We can always go for another round."

The man felt like he'd die if he didn't continue the next second, but– "…What if I'd like to have my revenge right now?"

He could feel the boy underneath him stiffen at the words.

Only for the surprise to turn into a fit of escaping laughter the moment after.

Oh, how he hated that bastard.

"…What the hell's so funny, brat?"

"Oh, Kanda… I really like you." The Noah wiped away a tear that appeared at the corner of his eye – from the laughter, apparently. "That would be definitely an interesting turn of events."

The Japanese stared at the boy with displease written all over his face. "What the hell have you been taking, you goddamn lunatic?"

"Though I wonder who would suffer more had you stopped now." The white-haired smirked at him teasingly, ignoring the last comment.

"I wonder as well." Kanda tried to act as if it was nothing.

They kept staring at each other, almost as if they wanted to prove something. Then the Fourteenth moved, pushing his hands against the man's chest, as if to make him pull away.  
"…I'll show you something fun."

A suspicious look was all he got, but Kanda let him change their position as he understood that the brat wanted to get on top of him. The change in initiative wasn't something that was bound to go to his liking, but he could overlook that as long as he stayed on the giving side.

Also, now that he thought about it, it would only add points to his advantage. He needed to save energy if he wanted to bring his plan into motion.

A choked hiss escaped his lips as the white-haired boy lowered himself on his hardened length without warning, enveloping him whole. The Noah facing him, he had to sit up and catch the boy in his lap by the hips, trying to get some control of the pace in which the other started moving. Already at the edge from their previous round, Kanda had to close his eyes at the feeling that got only more and more intense, and any moment now–

The Fourteenth suddenly pushed him down to the mattress, the Japanese's mind going totally alert as he suddenly felt a pair of hands clenching his throat – what the fuck, was this bastard trying to choke him? – though the boy didn't even stop moving as he did it. Kanda caught him by the wrists out of reflex, trying to yank the brat away, but the latter only smirked at him cunningly, a weird fascinated glimpse in his eyes.

He could swear he was at the edge of suffocating when his orgasm suddenly kicked in, and it felt so intense – intense like nothing he ever experienced before – that he couldn't stop a moan escaping his lips, his back arching violently. It was after a few more seconds of overwhelming bliss before the boy on top of him released him from his grip.

For a moment there, Kanda had slight comprehension problems, but as soon as the intense feeling subsided and he managed to catch his breath again… he felt like killing somebody.

"Enjoy?" The Noah asked him, staring at him with a proud smirk.

The Japanese punched him in the face.

* * *

"…You really are a dirty whore." Kanda couldn't help but comment, panting, laying on top of the boy, his member still inside of him. Just how shameless was this guy? And which round was it again?

Surprisingly, the Fourteenth let out a mocking laugh. "Earl's one and only."

That the dark-haired seemed taken aback by the words would be an understatement. "...What?"

"Just a small joke you won't get." The Noah shrugged it off as if nothing. He wasn't really in the mood to talk about any of his past love affairs. "Well... you, on the other hand, are perfect lover material, Kanda."

The Japanese stared at him as if he were some kind of idiot. "Come again?"

"You seek physical contact, because you enjoy it, but that's all you want it to be." The Fourteenth explained with a straight face. "You don't let any feelings get involved. You have good looks. You're well endowed and you're good in bed, though you still lack experience."

"…Flattery will get you nowhere."

"It's not flattery. I almost regret we didn't get to meet... under different circumstances."

"Don't tell me you've fallen for me now." Kanda mocked.

"No, don't get me wrong. I'm just saying that we'd enjoy our company a lot, had we not met like this." The golden-eyed straightened out. "You see, unlike Allen, I don't let feelings get the best of me, either. And for someone who seeks only physical comfort, a person like you is a perfect match."

"Alright, I've had enough of your bullshit–"

"Don't deny it, Kanda." The Fourteenth cut the other off in a voice so serious that the Japanese couldn't recall him ever using it before. "I know what you want."

"You know shit about me–"

Next thing the dark-haired knew, the boy's face was just inches away from his. At least the bastard knew better as to try kissing him again by now, though he wondered what he was trying to accomplish with the sudden closeness.

"You like it like this, don't you?" The Noah crossed his legs behind Kanda's waist, pulling him closer, making them press to each other more. The seriousness never left him.  
"Wouldn't you like to have this as many times as you wanted?" He continued, suddenly leaning in, and the moment Kanda wanted to push the bastard away, he stopped, their gazes locked.  
"Kanda... I can give you so much more than Allen ever would."

Something twirled inside of the Japanese at the unexpected words, and... he suddenly couldn't believe how stupid all this actually was.  
"Is this what all this theater is about?" The man snorted, almost in amusement. "Either you have a fucking inferiority complex or you're totally obsessed with him."

A heavy silence fell between the two, as they kept staring at each other, neither moving. Kanda wondered if he had hit the nail on the spot.

"It's neither of that." The Fourteenth denied. And both his voice and face expression turned so dead serious that the Japanese couldn't help but feel taken aback by it. "I'll tell you what it is about, if you're so eager to know. The knowledge won't help you anymore, anyway. Just answer my question first. Honestly."

The dark-haired frowned at this, uneasiness assaulting him. Something felt wrong about the Noah underneath him all of a sudden.

"If you could choose... would it be Walker or me?"

_...What the fuck? _Kanda couldn't hide his astonishment as he wondered what that goddamn lunatic wanted to accomplish this time. "...What the fuck are you asking me?"

The Noah just kept staring at him in silence, as if the question never left the Japanese's lips. But then... then the corner of his mouth twitched, his lips forming into a crooked smile.

Suddenly, he burst and started to laugh out loud and it confused and pissed Kanda more than ever.

"Dear Lord, I can't believe this!" The Fourteenth went on between fits of laughter. "You're fucking _hesitating!_"

The dark-haired swore he'd kick the bastard's ass if he didn't shut up this instant. "The fuck are you–? I'm not–"

Only more laughter reached his ears.

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Oh, my dear Kanda..." The Noah finally started to calm down, opening his eyes, looking back at the man. "You seriously can't give me a straight answer."

"Because it's none of your fucking business."

"I beg to differ."

"You really are obsessed with him, you sick bastard."

The Fourteenth kept staring at him with that goddamn smile of his and it pissed Kanda beyond comprehension by now. He watched as the Noah sighed, closing his eyes, a satisfied look on his face. "It's not obsession. It's a measure."

"Measure?" The dark-haired didn't follow.

"For gaining control."

The words made the Japanese's heart stop for a longer moment, and as much as he wanted to hide it, he couldn't restrain the shock and horror that suddenly plastered themselves over his face. Contrary to this, the Fourteenth seemed completely calm and composed, and Kanda couldn't help but hate him for it. He had a feeling – no, he _knew_ that he was about to hear something he definitely didn't look forward to.

If all of this…

"And so far you've fallen into my trap nicely. The both of you." The boy continued in a serious tone. "Or actually, I should be including Lenalee as well."

"What the hell did you..."

"The truth is... that I wouldn't be here if Allen really didn't want me to." The Noah explained. "The problem is that the boy _wishes_ he could simply disappear sometimes. He feels helpless. He feels unneeded. He feels like he's in the way. He's afraid that those dear to him will start to prefer the Noah inside of him over himself. He even feels hated. ...Now who's fault is that, what do you think, Kanda?"

The dark-haired man simply stared at the boy under him in horror, deep inside wishing all of this was some kind of bad dream. This...

"I use all of these doubts to get through. A mentally weak Allen is even easier to get a hold of than a physically weak one." There was not a note of remorse in the Fourteenth's voice as he went on. "And how do you think he'll feel tomorrow when he wakes up next to you?"

Silence enveloped the room, as Kanda tried to get over the weight of the situation that suddenly fell upon his shoulders like a ton of iron. His gaze traveled downwards, strands of hair falling over his eyes, as he stared before himself absently.

So that's what this was about, huh? This bastard wanted to seduce him from the very beginning for this purpose only, and he's fallen into the trap like a little bitch. In addition, his ingenious plan of wanting to help Walker did... the exact opposite.

All of this was his fault to begin with...

Kanda couldn't even start to name the emotions that suddenly assaulted him – guilt, regret, disappointment, anger – but all of it turned to one thing in the end.

Rage.

"...You goddamn bastard." The Japanese hissed through gritted teeth, his voice silent and thick with restrain.

The Fourteenth only smirked at this, apparently finding amusement in the reaction. "I wasn't the one who did this to myself."

Suddenly, the dark-haired was gripping the Noah by his arms, threatening to get violent.

This bastard was just so full of himself... And apparently he forgot who he was actually dealing with! Kanda was more than fed up with this brat's bullshit – acting as if he owned the goddamn place. Was manipulating others so fun? So confident of himself, wasn't he? Well, Kanda would be more than willing to wipe that Noah's smile off of his fucking face.

"You goddamn…_ bastard!_" The Japanese snapped, yanking the Noah forcefully. "I'll make you regret you ever tried to mess with _either_ of us!"

The Fourteenth didn't even fight back, looking totally unaffected by the other's outburst. "What can you possibly try to achieve now? The truth is that you pushed Allen away and fucked with me instead." He looked the man straight in the eyes, his words deprived of any emotion. "I already can't wait to see his reaction in the morning."

Something inside of Kanda snapped at the words and he got furious to the point he didn't know what he was doing anymore.

* * *

"No… N-No more…"

The dark-haired man suddenly heard something that wasn't a scream or a moan, and he realized how that rusty and broken voice made him feel some morbid satisfaction, because he thought he'd never hear it the end of it. Finally. _S_omething was _finally_ getting through to this goddamn bastard.

"Agh… K-Kanda… enough already…" The Fourteenth pleaded, having a hard time catching his breath between all the heavy pants. "I can't… anymore…"

The Japanese had enough himself, dead tired, his body aching all over, and by now he even lost count how many times he's taken the bastard over and over again. But it didn't matter, for teaching the Noah a lesson he was more than willing to push his body to the very limit, even if he were to faint of exhaustion.

Catching a fistful of white hair, he yanked the boy's head backwards – the golden eyed's back meeting his chest – as he tried to look into those pools that were hazed and deprived of comprehension.

"What happened to that goddamn eagerness of yours?"

The Fourteenth tried to pull away, but the Japanese held him firmly in place, and his immobilized hands weren't making things any easier. Kanda never imagined he'd be using the belts of their pants as means for tying someone's wrists to the bed post, but hey. Life was full of surprises.

"Ugh… no more… I can't… anymore… ah…" The Noah sounded like a broken record.

"That's not what I heard from you two hours ago." The dark-haired spoke as if nothing, trying to hide the strain in his own voice. He didn't stop.

"Eugh–"

"Why not be a selfish bastard, run away and leave Walker to deal with this mess?"

"Ugh… haa… N-No…"

Kanda started to get even more violent, his limbs threatening to give out on him, as he pushed in and out of that hot tightness.

"Nhn… ah… aagh–!" The Fourteenth suddenly came with a broken moan, his body shaking and spasming around him, and Kanda had to hold him in place, not letting the bastard to give out and fall to the bed. He wasn't even intending to wait for the brat to get down from his high before he continued thrusting into him again.

"No– N-No more– Stop–" The Noah's pleads were choked and desperate. "Stop… Stop… Please, stop…! Kanda, ugh…!"

Kanda didn't fail to catch how the other's voice seemed to be cracking up. "Don't tell me you're going to cry now." He mocked.

The Japanese picked up the pace as he felt himself reaching the edge this time, ignorant of the other's moans, screams, and further pleads. And for the n-th time during that night, he left a part of himself inside the boy, a low growl escaping his lips as that pleasurable feeling kicked in, overwhelming his senses.

Fuck, he had enough…

Totally spent, he reached for the Fourteenth's wrists and untied his hands – one at a time – noticing the red marks and bruises the rough material left on his skin. Without bothering to pull out of the boy just yet, he flipped him over on his back, so that he could loom over him and get a decent view of his face.

Slightly parted lips, cheeks damp with tears, and the golden eyes staring at him seemed so glazed and distant that Kanda had to wonder if the Fourteenth was even still conscious, but the moment he cupped him, the boy arched his back and caught the dark-haired's hand in helpless panic, his mouth opening in a voiceless moan.

"Please, no…"

The Japanese stared at him with contempt. "Look at you now."

"Kanda… please…"

"What happened to that cocky attitude of yours, brat?"

"No more…"

"Che." The dark-haired figured that idiot wasn't even getting anything he was saying to him anymore.

With a sigh, he let the other go and pulled out of him, watching all the blood and semen leak out into the bed sheets, and together with both of their earlier releases, the whole place was one dirty mess.

Falling onto his side next to the boy, Kanda looked at the Fourteenth's face, but he had his eyes already closed – he must have either fainted or fell asleep. And just now, after all was said and done, the weight of the situation seemed to have dawned upon him.

He thought that he'd at least feel satisfied after such an amount of sex, but to his dissatisfaction, nothing of the sort came. He felt physically spent, sure, but the only feelings that he recognized feeling as he stared at the boy before him… were emptiness and regret.

"God, I must have hurt him…" Kanda whispered to himself as he suddenly reached for the boy's face without even realizing it, brushing a strand of white hair to the side. And as he stared at that sleeping face, only more mixed feelings assaulted him.  
"Moyashi…"

The Japanese figured he'd at least clean him up properly.

* * *

"Hn…"

Allen suddenly purred and the sound made Kanda go alert, lifting his head up. And as the boy slowly opened his eyes, the Japanese never imagined he'd feel relieved to see those silver pupils of his. Well, both relieved and… nervous?

What the fuck, was he seriously feeling nervous right now?

"Kanda…?" The white-haired asked uncertainly, blinking at the other man as he noticed his presence.

"…We need to talk."

"Talk? What–" Confused from Kanda's sudden words and behavior – was that uncertainty flashing through his face? – Allen tried to sit up, only to wince with a loud yelp. Eyes wide in shock, he somehow managed to support himself, feeling how his insides burned, his muscles hurt, and how bruised he actually was. And naked. And–

The Japanese was naked as well, huh, go figure. And what the hell was up with that pitied look he was giving him all of a sudden?

Allen's heart sank at the whole realization. But he showed none of it – not in front of this asshole, who… who…

"What the hell have you been doing?" Walker suddenly snapped, seeming to have startled Kanda even more than he surprised himself with his sudden outburst. But, oh _God_, how he wanted to do something drastic right now. He and the Fourteenth – how could have they–

Dear Lord. He could get over everything but this. _Everything_ but this.

…It hurt. It hurt so fucking much–

"Walker, calm down…"

Allen smacked the other's hand away as it reached for his shoulder without thinking twice. Calm down? What stupid kind of argument was that?

"First you push me away and then you sleep with that asshole?" The white-haired's voice was full of hurt, disappointment and anger. "I'm not some kind of toy for your self-pleasure!"

Kanda frowned at the words, though guilt never left his face. He had a feeling Walker would start overreacting like this, but he didn't think it would be _this_ bad. The boy needed to calm down before they started getting anywhere else with this.

"…I regret it." The Japanese had to look away as he admitted it, hoping that Allen would chill out a bit. Unfortunately…

"Oh, _now_ you regret it." Walker snorted in a mocking tone. "That makes me feel so much better."

That said, the boy got to his feet – the occasional wincing aside – and started to collect his clothes. Fuck, he though his first time was painful, but this went totally over the edge. What the hell have those two been doing with each other, he didn't even want to know–

"Listen to me–"

"No, you listen!" Allen cut the other off, pulling his pants on hastily. "The Fourteenth can think what he fucking wants – this is _my_ body and I forbid this!"

"Walker–" Kanda went alert as the boy started to advance in the direction of the door, and his immediate reflex was to pursue him. "Where the hell are you going–?"

"Shower." The white-haired threw at him without even bothering to look at the man anymore, as he opened and whammed the door behind him.

The Japanese stood there, not moving an inch, staring at the closed door with a sheepish expression. Well… maybe the shower would make him calm down a bit, and they could talk properly once Walker returned.

Clinging to that thought, Kanda returned to bed and fell down on top of it, trying to clear his thoughts. Fuck, he didn't get even a minute of sleep during the whole night, so it wasn't really surprising that he felt like shit. All of this seemed to have affected him more than he assumed it would.

Walker's reaction only added fuel to the foul feeling in his gut. They seriously needed to talk.

* * *

The dark-haired man went alert as he heard the sound of opening doors, followed by a wham and hasty footsteps at the corridor. Allen was apparently finished with his shower.

Sitting up, Kanda looked at the door, waiting for them to open any second.

To his surprise, time passed and nothing happened, and the footsteps got only more and more silent – soon changing their sound and pace, as if someone just reached the stairs.

"Walker?" Kanda asked in confusion, as he threw himself in the direction of the door without thinking. A glimpse of the boy's silhouette disappearing at the inn's exit was all he managed to catch. "_Oi_, Walker!"

The man cursed out loud, pissed at himself that he didn't get dressed while he still had the time. Back in the room, it took literally a moment to slip his pants on, catch Mugen and his coat, intending to put it on on his way – but it also took a moment to lose another person in pursuit.

Before he rushed out of the room, he also noticed that Allen left his communication earring behind.

"Fuck."

* * *

Dashing out of the inn, Kanda looked around nervously, and as he feared – Walker was nowhere to be seen anymore. He could only hope that idiot wouldn't do anything stupid. And that he'd find him soon enough.

God, he felt as if he was taking part in some kind of fucked up soap opera.

"Poor Allen, it's no wonder he ran away."

The Japanese had to thank his reflexes as he drew Mugen out of its sheath without a second of thought, directing the sword at the person who suddenly appeared behind him. Who was–

Oh shit, this was _bad_.

"But seeing as this is our last chance to strike before you guys become a serious threat to us… we can't sit back and watch anymore, now can we?" Road spoke with a note of remorse.

"You bitch, have you been spying on us?" Kanda hissed, keeping his guard up. "Where's Walker?"

The Noah stared at the man curiously, as if she wanted to figure something out. "He ran… in that direction." The girl pointed to the road running east from the inn, as if giving Kanda such a clue was the most natural thing to do. "Though catching him isn't my objective." Her face expression suddenly turned serious. "You see, the Earl wants to see him. And my task…"

The Japanese jumped away from a dozen of sharp candles that suddenly flew in his direction.

"…is to keep you away from him for the time being!"

"Che."

This was just fucking brilliant. As if things weren't bad enough as they were.

The dark-haired cut a few of the missiles with ease, but more and more came flying, and he had no other choice but to dodge them. This was so goddamn pointless–

He ended up at some nearby alley, hiding behind a wall.

Showing a tail wasn't the way he did things, but he could make an exception, since he – let's face it – wasn't really in the condition to fight. Besides, he had other things to worry about than playing with that little bitch. He could only hope that the Noah wouldn't find Allen before he did.

Fuck, from one mess to another.

"_Oi_, you guys there?"

He decided this was the most reasonable thing to do.

"Yuu?"

"Oh, is that you, Kanda?"

The Japanese couldn't believe how glad he actually felt from hearing the Usagi's and Lenalee's voice. Those stupid earrings were of some help, after all.

"What's up?"

"…Did something happen?"

"Listen to me and don't interrupt." Kanda cut the two off, trying to stay quiet. "Walker went missing and the Noah are after him."

"What?" The two asked in disbelief at the same time.

"It would be nice if you _stepped on it_."

* * *

**Nayru's Note:** God, I feel so bad for writing this chapter… But _the great plot bunny_ insisted. If you want to blame anyone – blame him.

/goes emo in the corner/ ; - ;

But things need to go wrong first in order to go right later on, yes?

Love you for the wonderful reviews, guys. /hugs you all/


	19. Somewhere beyond happiness and sadness

**Nayru's Note: **For those of you that read the previous chapter right after I posted it – I edited it a bit and added one more scene two days after the post. It's not much and doesn't really have an influence on the plot, but feel free to have a look if you're interested. Personally, I hate the previous chapter with passion and I don't know what could convince me to go back to it.

Other than that, enjoy.

**Warnings: **Overload of angst, the usual bad language, violence, blood like WHOA (swords are sharp thingies, you know?), character death (hoho!)... did I mention angst yet? And, um... is that _fluff _I see?

* * *

**~Gone Forever~**  
**Chapter 19: Somewhere beyond happiness and sadness**

**

* * *

**

Allen leaned against a cold, brick wall, trying to catch his breath.

Okay, sex. As much as he was aware of first times being painful, this was _fucking ridiculous_. What the hell have Kanda and the Fourteenth been doing for him to feel_ this _bad? He could hardly walk, let alone run. He had no idea how he managed to get away so fast and so far in his state in the first place. And how he managed to get away from the dark-haired successfully for that matter.

Once the emotions and adrenaline faded, however, the ache in his body intensified up to the point he thought he was going to die.

He had to stop, because he felt his muscles would give out on him any second if he didn't cease to run as if his life depended on it. Thankfully, there was some narrow alleyway between two neighboring houses right next to him and he figured it would do for a hiding spot for now. It didn't seem like Kanda was following him to begin with, anyway...

Maybe Allen was being an idiot. Maybe he was overreacting. But he didn't want to deal with Kanda right now.

_"…We need to talk."_

The Japanese's words echoed in his mind, as he closed his eyes shut. Talk? What the hell could the dark-haired possibly want to tell him after sleeping with the Fourteenth? That he's taken a liking to his alter-ego? That he should disappear and leave them be? That he didn't need him anymore? That he hated him, still does, and always will?

He'd cry. He'd surely start crying once they started talking, and Allen wanted to avoid that at all costs. He wasn't going to weep in front of that asshole because of something stupid like this.

Because it was stupid... _Stupid, stupid, stupid... _The white-haired boy repeated the word in his mind like a mantra, trying to convince himself of the fact alone. ...And failed badly.

"Kanda, you jerk..." A choked sob escaped him suddenly. Allen covered his face with a hand instinctively, as tears started to leak down his cheeks. He could feel a lump appearing in his throat, making it hard to swallow; hard to breathe. "You stupid jerk..."

He sat down, because he felt his legs would give in under him were he to stand any second longer. With his back pressed against the wall, he embraced his lower limbs and buried his face in his knees, trying to calm down and get a hold of himself.

God, he felt so pathetic and miserable. Why the hell did it have to hurt this much? He knew that he and Kanda... hell, what _were_ they, anyway?

They weren't friends; he couldn't even imagine Kanda considering him a friend. They weren't lovers. They weren't even sex friends, even though they ended up in bed a few times.

How messed up was this?

He remembered it like it was yesterday. How Kanda told him not to let things get to his head. He understood that the Japanese didn't want to get involved with him emotionally. That sex was just that – sex. Physical contact they could enjoy, a simple stress relief. Allen understood that people of their kind didn't have the time nor space for relationships. Especially when it came to Kanda. And he knew that once he would start to develop feelings for the Japanese, he'd sooner or later become a burden to the man. So he told himself he never would.

When the hell did it even start to go wrong? When did he get these stupid ideas? When did he start to have hope that maybe – just maybe – there could actually be something more than simple comradeship between them?

When did he grow to believe there was some kind of unspoken promise between them? That Kanda noticed and knew of his affection for him and didn't mind, but didn't want to admit it out loud?

When did he fall for Kanda even though he tried so hard not to?

_Great, I'm seriously in love with that jerk... _Allen snorted to himself through his tears, trying to sound amused. _There's no other way to explain it. I am. I really am... God, of all the people..._

And of all the people, the Fourteenth had to show him how mislead and naive his hopes were. And in such a way, too.

The Noah was nothing more than a manipulative bastard and a dirty liar. He was mad at himself for ever wanting to trust him. And– Him and Kanda, the sole thought, it was–

_God, why does it hurt so much...? Why, why, why–_

"Hey..."

Allen looked up in panic, as if struck by some kind of lighting, hoping that the voice he's suddenly heard was his fucked up imagination.

How–? When–? Why–?

Dumbfounded, eyes wide, he stared at the person that was standing right before him, forgetting how miserable his face must have looked from all the tears he shed.

He wanted to disappear from the surface of the world, for his current worst fear was becoming reality.

...How did Kanda find him here?

"...Go away." The boy ordered, unable to look the Japanese in the eyes, as he buried his face back in his knees. By now Allen was positive that God had hated him. Was even getting some damn time alone was too much to ask for?

He heard Kanda sigh.

"Listen..."

"No, leave me alone." Allen cut the other off, trying to sound confident, but his voice was starting to crack up. "I don't want to deal with you... right now."

He couldn't stop the current of tears yet again, so he tried to wipe them away desperately. But only more and more kept flowing.

"Damn it..." The white-haired cursed under his breath. He didn't even want to imagine what Kanda thought of him now, seeing him in such a miserable state.

He wanted to run away, somewhere – anywhere – where the dark-haired wouldn't be able to witness his misery. And as Kanda simply stood there, not saying anything, the boy figured he might as well use the opportunity.

Why the hell did this prick follow him here in the first place? Did he miss the Fourteenth already?

"...I hate you." Allen hissed as he suddenly stood up, his face full of anger. If sadness was making him miserable, then anger was giving him strength, so he might as well force the latter out. Maybe he'd convince Kanda to leave him alone that way. "I hate you for what you did." The boy repeated, clenching his teeth, praying for those stupid tears to finally stop. "And I regret we didn't return to the Order when we had the chance. If only..."

Kanda didn't seem to be affected by his words in the slightest, however.

Allen's gaze fell to the ground, before he advanced in the opposite direction of the main road, ready to smack the Japanese in case he tried to stop him. And displeasure hit hard, as he was being caught by the arm firmly, but–

"–Allen."

The white-haired froze at the word, breath stuck in his throat. He couldn't believe his ears.

Kanda never...

The boy was even more taken aback when the man suddenly yanked and pulled him closer into a tight embrace. The white-haired stiffened like a log, dumbfounded, torn between shoving the other away or burying his face in the man's shoulder.

...What was Kanda–?

"I'm sorry."

And again, Allen couldn't believe his ears. The Japanese never apologized to him openly for anything. In fact, it was the first time he's heard the man apologize to _anyone_, _ever_, let alone him...

"Don't say such things if you don't mean them." The boy sobbed, deciding to damn it all to hell.

He clenched Kanda's coat with his hands tightly, trying to get a bit of warmth that was being offered to him. He didn't even realize how cold he was till now. Well, it was December.

And burying his face in the man's shoulder–

His mind froze.

Because the person that was holding him... didn't smell like Kanda at all.

_This... This isn't Kanda..._

Once Allen gave sign of his realization by tensing up despite himself, he knew that was the biggest mistake he could make. He didn't even get a chance to react as he was pushed and rammed against the wall behind him, and he winced from the sharp pain struck his left shoulder a second after.

It wasn't Mugen, but a katana nevertheless, that he received a stab from, and the boy was positive that getting cut by it felt as much as painful. Goddamn piece of metal barely passed his collarbone, thankfully, but his muscles weren't singing in joy, either.

Mad at himself for getting cut off-guard so easily, Allen grit his teeth and finally reacted, shoving the impersonator away from him violently. Wasting a short glance at the sword in his shoulder, the white-haired figured the handle was too far to reach, so he caught the blade with his left hand.

One swift move, and the katana fell to the ground. The boy caught himself by the shoulder, trying to ease the pain and the fastened flow of blood. The bastard must have hit a nerve, because he could feel a faint numbness appear in his muscles.

Allen wondered why the 'Kanda' wasn't attacking him anymore, as he just stood beside him and stared at him like nothing had happened. The indifference confused him.

"Who..."

"You seem to know each other too damn much." There was no emotion in the person's voice. There probably hasn't been any from the very beginning.

If only he paid better attention to his surroundings instead of whining over a broken heart, maybe he'd notice how fake his 'Kanda' actually was. Aside from the difference in swords and his way of talking, there was also something else that was different from the Kanda he knew.

The emotion he could always read in the dark-haired's eyes – whether it was hatred or something else – it was missing. Kanda never stared at him with such indifference before.

Allen had an idea who the impersonator could be. But if his guess was correct, then he was in some real trouble right about now. Same went for Kanda. Maybe that was the reason he didn't follow him?

_Oh God, I'm so stupid... _The boy cursed at himself, wishing he'd never ran away from the dark-haired to begin with. They needed to regroup, and do it _fast_.

Taking battle stance, Allen activated his–

Horror came over him when he understood why the impersonator was taking his sweet time in attacking him again like this.

He couldn't activate his Innocence. And the numbness in his muscles was only getting worse... Was the blade of the katana greased with some kind of poison?

The fake Kanda was apparently waiting for the drug to work all along, because the moment he noticed the boy's unease and confusion, he advanced towards him, kicking the white-haired straight in the stomach.

"Gha–!" Allen fell to his knees, clenching his sides, coughing. Through the corner of his eye, he noticed the impersonator picking up his sword and sheathing it.

"You're coming with me, _boy_."

Well, that was _definitely_ not the tone Kanda usually spoke to him in.

Allen started to fear the worst.

* * *

"Need a hand, Road?"

Kanda tried to catch his breath, wiping a trail of blood away from his lips, as he watched how Mikk appeared right next to his opponent. Fucking candles. As if they alone weren't bad enough.

There was no way he would be able to take on two Noah in his current condition.

"He's my toy. Find your own." Kamelot replied as if she wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. Deep inside, Kanda was slightly relieved to hear this, but also a bit pissed. A toy, now was he? He'd show that bitch where her place was!

"Kids these days..." Tyki sighed, as he watched the dark-haired Exorcist advance towards Road, threatening to cut her to pieces. It didn't seem like his niece had trouble evading or deflecting his blows, though.

The tan-skinned man took out a cigarette and lit it. This was way too easy...

"Kanda!"

Surprised by the sudden yell, Tyki's gaze travelled upward in the direction of the sound's source, noticing some dark-haired female floating in mid-air. Oh, he recognized the lady, even though her hair was way shorter the last time he's seen her. Was backup there?

"Kanda, leave them to me!" Lenalee dashed to the man's side, interrupting the fight. "Go look for Allen!"

The male Exorcist ceased his attack, and joined the girl back to back, keeping his battle stance. "There's no way I'm letting you fight them alone."

"I'll be fine. Lavi will join me in a minute." Lenalee insisted. "Go look for Allen. Please."

"Go look for him yourself!" Kanda hissed, anger in his voice. Allen, Allen, did the whole world revolve around him now? He wanted to find the boy more than anything else, true, but he wasn't _that_ stupid. "You're faster than I am."

"You were the one who lost him! Take responsibility!" Lenalee yelled, convinced that Allen would prefer for Kanda to go after him, not her. He needed to understand.

_**You really are stupid, aren't you?**_

The dark-haired Exorcist frowned in confusion, positive that the voice he's suddenly heard belonged to Road. But she just stared at him with that piercing gaze, she wasn't even opening her mouth, how could she–

_**I was going easy on you all this time, and now even your friends give you the opportunity to leave. How many chances do you still want to waste? Stop being so damn stubborn and don't let Allen fall into the Earl's hands.**_

_What...?_

_**Yes, I'm speaking to you through your thoughts. And I can hear yours. Deal with it.**_

_...You bitch, what are you trying to pull?_

_**I know you won't trust me. Hell, I can't blame you for that, now can I? But I have some unfinished business with the one you call the Fourteenth, and once the Earl gets his hands on him, I won't get a chance to even talk to him anymore. You can believe as much, can't you?**_

Kanda narrowed his eyes, far from ready to buy any of that. Even if Road was telling the truth... did she think _they_ would let them talk? Fucking Noah scum was not to be trusted. And did this mean that the girl was going against the Earl as well? How loathsome. Her and the Fourteenth, they were both worth each other, it seemed.

"Che." Kanda clicked his tongue, deciding to damn it all to hell. "Just don't get yourself killed." He directed at Lenalee, and taking the girl's nod for an answer, he took off.

Only to get stopped by Mikk with a clash of weapons.

"Where do you think you're going, lad?" Tyki smirked at him dangerously, and Kanda decided that he hated the look in his eyes. It reminded him of someone.

"I'm your opponent now!"

Kanda jumped to the side as he heard Lenalee yell, giving her a perfect opening to strike. And she did, her Dark Boots swift as ever. The impact sent Mikk flying a few meters back.

"Go!"

The Japanese didn't need to be told twice. But the moment he wanted to take off again, Road was suddenly in his way this time.

_You call this cooperation?_ Kanda mocked, ready to attack.

_**I can't let Tyki see I'm not trying. Come on, show me what you got!**_

"Che." Kanda swung his sword swiftly, but Road didn't seem to have a problem in dodging. So he went all out on her, giving her no rest whatsoever. And they kept dancing like that, while the Japanese advanced, and the Noah only backed away. Maybe the girl really was going easy on him, since she didn't really do anything beside evading his attacks. But for all Kanda knew, this could also be some kind of trap–

_**Remember, don't let Allen fall into the Earl's hands under any circumstances. Once that happens, it's over for all of you.**_

"Yuu!"

The dark-haired Exorcist ceased his attack once he's heard the familiar voice. "Stupid rabbit, you're late!"

"I'm flattered you're so glad to see me." Lavi sighed with a note of sarcasm. And here he was, hoping to hear at least a small 'thanks'. Some things just never changed... "I've heard the plan, so _shoo_."

Road took a few seconds to watch as Kanda finally made his escape and she could only regret he didn't do it before Tyki joined them. Things would have been way easier then, for the both of them.

Suddenly, her gaze travelled back to her new opponent, a wide grin plastering itself along her face. Oh, but the boy wasn't looking at her. Maybe he learned something from their previous encounter, after all.

"Bookman Junior. It's been a while."

A slight smile appeared at the red-head's lips, as means to hide his nervousness. "Yeah, well, it's not like I missed you, really."

That said, Lavi lowered his headband to cover his left eye with one swift move, taking battle stance. He was more than aware that a hard battle awaited him, but he decided that fighting with Road without his sight was still easier than having to fight her in that messed up dream world of hers. He was positive that the only way she could drag anyone into that place was by eye contact.

It was needless to say that both Lavi and Lenalee were relieved to notice Marie and Miranda join them in the fight. With their powers combined, maybe they had a chance against the two Noah.

* * *

Lenalee leaped into the air, high into the sky, intending to attack Tyki with the help of her Dark Boots' acceleration, when she suddenly noticed someone in the far distance. It were two people, and she was positive one of them had light hair. ...Was it Allen? Did Kanda manage to find him?

But the longer she stared at the two, the more she was convinced something was off about them. It almost seemed as if they were fighting, but...

"Guys, I'll be right back!" The female Exorcist yelled to her comrades from above. "I think I found Allen!"

"Leave them to us!" It was enough for Lavi to assure her.

* * *

With the help of her Innocence, it took literally a few seconds for Lenalee to approach the people she spotted. Once on the ground, she advanced towards them, as they were still a couple of meters away. But then she stopped in her tracks.

It was Allen and Kanda, indeed. But she failed to understand what the Japanese was doing to her white-haired friend. For whatever reason, the younger boy seemed to have trouble standing, and the other was yanking him along the ground forcefully. Wasn't he hurting him like this?

It seemed so wrong…

"Kanda? What are you doing?" The female Exorcist asked, unsure, and judging from the older man's reaction, she figured he didn't notice her presence before. He seemed... panicked, as he yanked Allen to himself, turning in her direction. It only confused her more. "Hey, let Allen go!"

"That's not–" The white-haired yelled, his voice strained, before he got cut off by Kanda's arm pressed against his throat.

Lenelee could notice the fear in Allen's eyes as he suddenly directed his gaze at her. Horror and worry assaulted her big time.

"Kanda... What are you doing?" The girl asked in confusion as she took a step forward.

"Stay back!" It wasn't Kanda's yell that paralyzed her, but the sight of his sword suddenly pressing to the white-haired boy's throat. "One wrong move and the boy dies!"

Lenalee couldn't believe her eyes or her ears as she stared at the two before her in complete shock. Was Kanda seriously out of his mind? God, what was he...

"This isn't Kanda, Lena–" And again, Allen got cut off.

"What..."

God, if only he wasn't so stupid, they wouldn't end up in such a situation. The poison managed to spread throughout his whole body nicely by now; Allen felt so numb, it was almost as if half of his body became paralyzed. He couldn't activate his Innocence and he even had a hard time walking, let alone fighting back. The impersonator was dragging him like some kind of bag of potatoes, and even though he tried to give him a hard time while at it, it was as much as he could do. He hated being so hopeless.

And now even Lenalee was being dragged into all of this–

Allen had no idea if he should be glad or not when the _real_ Kanda suddenly joined them, making the female Exorcist confused beyond reason. Hell, the Japanese seemed confused as well the moment he noticed the boy in the arms of... himself?

"What the fuck...?"

Lulubell apparently figured that there was no use in her tactic anymore, as she turned back into her original, Noah self, while keeping Allen firmly in place.

And suddenly, everything made sense.

Kanda's immediate thought was to yell at Walker for getting into such a mess – what the hell was he doing? – but then he figured he couldn't blame him. Allen was in an even worse condition than he was after what he's done to him. Not everyone had regenerative abilities like he had, mind you. Moreover the fact that the bitch approached him with his appearance. This was no time to be angry and finding anyone to blame.

What was important right now was the fact that Allen's life was on the line. The Japanese wasn't sure what Lulubell was capable of. And there was no place for mistakes.

Trying to look completely calm, Kanda slowly advanced in the direction of the two.

"Stop." The Noah warned. "One more step and I'm cutting this boy's throat."

"Kanda!" The Japanese stopped, already regretting the fact that Lenalee was here.

"What the hell do you want from him?" Kanda asked, not bothering to hide the anger and displeasure in his voice.

"Our Lord wants to see him."

Road's previous words echoed in the Japanese's mind. And he could only conclude: "So you need him alive."

Lulubell's response wasn't what he would like to hear, though. "If the boy doesn't cooperate and we fail to retrieve him, we have the order to kill him." The Noah hissed, malice flowing from her words. "He will be too big of a threat to us later on!"

Hearing this, Kanda locked his gaze with Allen's, almost as if wanting to give some message across through eyesight alone. The white-haired boy seemed to be calm on the outside, but the Japanese didn't fail to catch the uncertainty and the fear that twirled in those silver pools like a storm.

He couldn't let the Moyashi fall into the enemy's hands. Even if Allen's life was on the line, and it was a win or lose situation, he had to take the risk. If he didn't save Walker now, he probably wouldn't get the chance ever again, anyway. He doubted the Earl would keep him alive. And if what Kamelot said was true...

Kanda couldn't let this happen. And when worst did come to worst...

Allen wasn't sure what to think when he saw the Japanese unsheathing his sword, but... he needed to trust him. It's not like he had any other choice.

"Don't test my patience, Exorcist!" Lulubell hissed, yanking her hostage forcefully to herself.

"Kanda!"

"Shut up!" The dark-haired male yelled at Lenalee, fed up with her constant whining. She didn't need to tell him better. "I know what the fuck I'm doing!"

_**Lulubell honey, do you know what's going to happen right now?**_

The female Noah narrowed her eyes, recognizing the familiar voice that echoed inside her head all too well.

_**…You're going to die.**_

She grit her teeth together tightly, already set on an answer.

..._Then I'm taking you with me!_

Everything happened way too fast from that point on.

Allen caught a glimpse of Kanda dashing in his direction.

He felt a sting in his throat.

A shove.

Intense pain.

And–

"Allen-kun!"

Blood...

Kanda managed to catch him once he was on his knees, bringing him to the ground. The boy clenched his neck, noticing the red liquid on his hands and his clothes. Oh God, there was so much of it already...

"A-Allen-kun..."

Was this it? Was he going to die like this, without apologizing to Kanda first? Was this how their story was bound to end?

"Kan–"

"Don't speak." The Japanese ordered, gritting his teeth. The white-haired boy caught sight of the man's face right above him. And for the first time in his life, he could read the emotions in Kanda's gaze like from an open book.

Fear, confusion, panic, regret, _concern_ – it was all there.

_Shit. _Kanda cursed at himself, watching the state Allen was in. _At this rate, he'll bleed to death in a couple of minutes._

The older man took one last glance at the body that lay a few feet away. Well, he was positive that Lulubell wouldn't come back to life after the wound she received anytime soon, so he might as well... They had no time to lose.

Lenalee approached the two, tears in her eyes. How could this–

"Kanda, what are you–" Lenalee yelled in shock and watched in horror as the Japanese brought Mugen to his wrist, slitting it across with one swift move. And if the girl was taken aback, then Allen seemed bewildered beyond all reason.

"K-Kan–?"

Kanda was aware that his healing abilities grew slower over the years, but it was his only hope. It worked with Marie once, so it had to work with Allen as well. He wasn't letting Walker die on him now, not here, not like this. They still had stuff to talk about. And–

The white haired only watched in confusion as the older man's blood dripped down to his wound, more and more, and soon he found himself with Kanda's hand against his throat, pressing to the cut tightly.

_Heal. Come on, heal... Heal, heal, heal! _The Japanese grit his teeth in concentration, as he tried to speed up the process of his healing ability, hoping that it would affect the boy as well. It had to work, it had to fucking work–

His vision suddenly got blurry and he lost balance, letting Allen go and pressing his hands to the ground for support. Or rather the pool of blood that was surrounding them. Fuck, was there so much of it already?

Without thinking twice, Kanda cut himself again and repeated the process, ignoring the yells and sobs Leanlee was letting out next to him.

_Heal, you goddamn... piece of...!_

The Japanese cursed it all to hell when he felt that his body was giving up on him. His earlier activity, the lack of sleep, his fight with the Noah, the loss of blood, the overall strain and fatigue – they were making themselves apparent in the worst possible moment.

Before Kanda knew it, everything went black.

* * *

The dark-haired Exorcist opened his eyes to find himself in a room. An overall white and clean room that made him conclude he was in a hospital. The sunlight was breaking through the pale curtains, dazzling his eyes, so he looked to the side.

And found a mop of white hair right next to him.

Kanda sprang up to a sitting position as if he were suddenly struck by lightning, the memories of the events that apparently led him here flowing back to him at the speed of light.

Walker was sitting on the floor, with his hands and head laying on the bed, and the Japanese didn't even think before he reached for the boy, moving strands of white hair aside hastily. He needed to see his neck.

It was wrapped up in bandage.

"Hn..." The younger Exorcist purred, opening his eyes. "Kanda...?"

Relief washed over the Japanese the moment he saw the boy direct his gaze at him. Did his healing ability really work on the boy? "...You alright?"

"...Yeah." A weak smile appeared on Allen's face. "…Thanks to you."

Silence enveloped the two, as they kept staring into each other's eyes. There was so much they wanted to say, but neither knew where to even begin with.

The white-haired was the first to look away.

"I... I didn't know you could heal others like that." Allen started.

"Well, it was an emergency." The Japanese tried to sound indifferent. "It's not like I go around and share my life energy with just anyone."

"Your..."

"Forget it. And don't expect to see such kind-hearted stuff from me ever again." Kanda crossed his hands and closed his eyes in annoyance, hearing Allen chuckle. And for a moment more, the silence continued.

"I, um... I wanted to apologize."

The older man opened his eyes and looked at the boy, noticing his sudden change in mood. Allen was staring elsewhere, playing with his hands nervously. But what made Kanda feel bad was the hurt he could see on the white-haired's face.

"I mean... I overreacted there a bit... Sorry for running away like some kind of idiot. I..." Allen blinked, as he went on, his voice torn by uncertainty. "I know that the Fourteenth probably provoked you, so... You're only human, and... I shouldn't put the blame on you–"

Allen thought he'd jump and ram his head against the ceiling, when he suddenly felt something brushing against his skin. But it was just Kanda's hand, squeezing him firmly by the wrist, almost as if telling him to stop there and shut up.

For whatever reason, the Japanese seemed pissed, as he stared into his eyes with an intensity he couldn't recall ever seeing before. When the grip on his wrist loosened, and Kanda looked away, he wondered whether Kanda was fighting with himself about something.

"No... I should be the one who's sorry." The Japanese admitted, his voice low and sincere, and the white-haired wanted someone to pinch him, because he was positive he was dreaming by now. He's never heard Kanda apologize to _anyone_, _ever_… "None of this would have happened to begin with, if I didn't give in to that asshole... _What?_" The dark-haired suddenly demanded, seeing as Walker stared at him as if he's just seen some kind of ghost.

"Allen-kun? Kanda? I've heard voices, are you awake?" The older of the two drew his hand back quickly the moment he heard the door opening, both his and Walker's heads turning in the direction of the entrance.

Way to go for Lenalee and her perfect timing to interrupt things.

"...Oh, did I interrupt something? Sorry about that." The girl looked apologetic.

"No, it's okay." Allen gave her an assuring smile.

"Well, it's good to see you awake and well." Lenalee suddenly smiled at her two friends cheerfully. "And we have a surprise for you!"

...What the hell was up with this woman sometimes, Kanda failed to understand that.

"Guys!"

But then, the Japanese himself felt taken aback as he saw the people appearing inside the room, one after another. It was a goddamn flood, and suddenly, Marie was there, and Miranda, and Krory, and Komui... along with Reever and the _whole fucking_ science department, and Bak along with that retarded China branch trio, and... Nurse?

Now Kanda was the one who looked as if he's just seen a ghost (because words couldn't describe Allen's bewilderment anymore), as he noticed someone he never expected to see joining their messed up third front adventure.

"...Old man?"

Tiedoll only gave his pupil a genuine smile.

"Everyone..." Allen didn't even bother to hide his shock. This was probably one of the best surprises he's got in his entire life. Although... wasn't there someone important missing?

"Come back here, you idiot!" A sudden yell could be heard from somewhere outside the room. "You can't just go and neglect your vow like that! I'm going to kill you for this!"

Everyone turned silent as a number of unidentified sounds followed. Then a particular red-head suddenly burst through the door, running with his dear life and hiding behind Lenalee as fast as he could. "Help! The old man panda is going to kill me! Help a poor Bookman apprentice in need!"

Allen had no idea if the overflow of tears was serious or if Lavi was just acting retarded.

Kanda only stared at the nonsense with a 'what the fuck?' expression. But then he'd heard a laugh.

A laugh that belonged to Walker, and yet, it sounded so different, so _real_, like he's never heard him laugh before. The Japanese blinked when the boy directed his gaze to him, saddening for a brief moment. But then he smiled again.

And the smile he gave him was so sincere that he swore he could see Allen's eyes glittering with joy.

Kanda wondered if it was because of all the people present in the room that it's suddenly gotten so hot.

* * *

**Nayru's Note:** I think I can die happy now, even though the story isn't finished yet.

Allen, the poor thing, not only is he suffering in the manga, but in fanfiction as well. Why does everyone like to torture him so much? xD

I'm planning to concentrate more on the game I'm making together with Erendyce and a1y_puff from now on (if you haven't heard about it yet, you can find the info on my Live Journal page), so I have no idea when the next update will be. I hope you enjoyed the chapter, though. :)


	20. Hide and seek

**Warnings: **Some wicked plot bunnies going loose and leaving things unanswered, bucketfuls of blood (not that it's anything new in this story by now) and character death.

* * *

**~Gone Forever~  
Chapter 20: Hide and seek**

**

* * *

**

"First of all – what the hell was that all about?"

It was the very first thing to leave Kanda's mouth after everyone finally left the pretty much cramped hospital room. Well, everyone beside himself, Walker and a certain female Exorcist, which he couldn't help but find mildly annoying in the past few days.

He had no idea what the deal was, but he found himself annoyed with Lenalee more than he ever used to – and for no apparent reason whatsoever. Or maybe the only reason that he could think of was far from satisfying – or logical – in his eyes.

And what the hell was supposed to be so funny about his question that she had to chuckle at it, he seriously failed to understand that.

"Well, the moment you contacted us, Lavi and I already managed to reach Headquarters and talk to my brother..." Lenalee stared to explain. "And as you can – _could_ – see, even more people than we expected seemed to be fond of your idea." Then, her lips formed into a smile. "So... Everyone you just saw decided to leave the Order as well. And join us."

Both Kanda and Allen seemed surprised by the words and the girl couldn't really blame them. She was in a similar state once she got to witness the occurrence herself.

"You have to be fucking kidding me..."

"I kid you not." Lenalee only smiled at the dark-haired man genuinely.

"But... Just like_ that_?" Allen blinked at her female friend in bewilderment. "Wow... I never imagined... so many people would–" He trailed off, trying to find the right words. Because, really? What were the odds? "This... This feels almost too good to be true."

"Yeah, that's cool and all, but how the hell are supposed to even move in such a large group now?" Kanda suddenly added as if siding with Allen's point of view.

"My brother's already working on that."

"On what?"

"On finding us a new Headquarters." Lenalee stated assuredly and continued in a more serious tone. "For now, most of us will be staying at an inn not far away from here. You two will be staying for the night here. The Head Nurse already talked with the hospital's staff, so everything's taken care of. You're welcome to rest here and none of the doctors here will bug you."

Both of the boys were relieved to hear this – well, for reasons more than one. If anyone from the outside were to examine them, things could get awkward. Especially for Allen, with his left hand and his stigmatas and... well, then there were also the obvious traces of abuse thanks to his last night (not that he remembered it). But once they were to notice that, Kanda would get in trouble, too.

All in all, the boy was glad that he didn't pass out from all the blood-loss like the dark-haired did, thus ending up in the care of someone without his consent.

"We'll come and pick you up in the morning. Things will probably get busy from that point on, so please get some rest. We shouldn't stay here long, seeing as the Noah could come back at any time."

This in turn, made Kanda want to get an answer to the other questions that were boring holes in his brain ever since he woke up.

"Okay, speaking of which – what happened to them?" The Japanese asked, trying to recall their whole fight earlier.

Right, he had fought with Road. And had a weird conversation with her, for that matter. Then there was also Tyki. And... Lulubell.

He had stabbed her, hadn't he? Whether such a blow killed her or not, he had no idea. Though he assumed the latter, since those Noah scum didn't just die that easily.

But what about the other two?

Well, he kind of _did_ pass out in the middle of a battlefield, trying hard to save _someone's_ life.

"Where the bloody hell even are we? And how long was I out?"

"They retreated shortly after. It's only been a couple of hours." Lenalee answered, and the dark-haired was relieved to hear the news.

So it was still the same day, and considering that their small ordeal took place in the morning, now it was probably past noon or something. When Kanda woke up and noticed the sun outside, for whatever reason, he had a feeling that he was out for longer than that.

"And we're at one of London's hospitals – it was the nearest we could find after you passed out on us." The short-haired girl went on, suddenly an angry frown appearing on her face. "And _that_– Do you know how worried we were? Allen freaked out so much we couldn't calm him down."

"L-Lenalee–" The white-haired boy flailed between the two in embarrassment. Kanda didn't need to know _that–_

"I never want to see you act so reckless again, either of you." The girl warned. "But especially you, Kanda."

The dark-haired growled, far from pleased where this conversation was going. Lenalee and her motherly speeches. Honestly, didn't she have better things to do?

"Allen was on the verge of–" She didn't finish the sentence, not even wanting to say the dreadful word out loud. "And you could have died as well, Kanda!"

"I saved him in the end, didn't I? What more did you want me do?" God, this girl was seriously too overprotective sometimes. Not to mention _annoying_. "And I haven't died, so get over it already."

The two were starting to talk as if Allen weren't there, and the boy couldn't help but feel kind of ignored while listening to it all. He decided to wait it out patiently, though. It wasn't like he really minded, anyway.

"Just because you have those healing powers of yours doesn't mean that you can get yourself hurt so carelessly." Lenalee went on, unwavering. "Besides, my brother warned you not to overdo it, didn't he?" This made Kanda's eyes widen, however– "If you keep on going like that–"

"Shut the fuck up!" The sudden yell startled even Allen, but the dark-haired man couldn't care less at the moment. Instinctively, he threw the bed cover away, shifting to sit at the edge of the creaky piece of furniture.

He didn't want to get violent – especially when it came to Lenalee – but that did it – that _seriously_ did it. Kanda was fed up with this shit. Why did this woman know _any_ of that–

He was going to fucking _kill _Komui for letting this slip to anyone. Sister or not.

Maybe it was a good thing that Allen was in his way right now.

"And mind your own fucking business!" The Japanese roared, but he simply couldn't control himself anymore. "If you have the decency to whine, at least try doing something yourself for a change! I don't want to hear any of that from you!"

Okay, fuck it if Lenalee knew – that was the least of his worries right now. He didn't want Walker to find out about any of this. Not in such a stupid way. He was positive that once the boy learned about the drawbacks of his healing abilities, he'd never hear the end of it.

"The fact _is_ that this idiot wouldn't be here anymore–" Kanda pointed to Allen while still throwing daggers at the girl. "–had I done nothing back then! Get that into your stupid head!"

"Kanda..." Allen suddenly spoke, wanting to calm the man down, but his voice came out more puzzled than angry. He was too taken aback by the other's outburst to actually say anything more. Because seriously? He's never seen him so infuriated with Lenalee before, what has gotten into him all of a sudden? Even if he and the Japanese tended to fight a lot, her female friend wasn't used to such things, was she?

And the way Lenalee suddenly looked away, hurt and guilt appearing on her face, Allen couldn't help but feel sorry for her.

"You... are right, of course. I'm sorry." Lenalee apologized, her voice turning quiet. She couldn't look back at Kanda anymore. "It's just..." _How could I be so stupid... Of course you haven't told him about it..._

"You're just worried about us, aren't you?" The white-haired boy was finally the one to speak this time, his voice genuine. "You've said nothing wrong, Lenalee." He tried to reassure her as softly as he could.

Though he was curious what the girl actually had in mind before...

"Kanda, stop being so rude, will you?" Allen turned to Kanda more confidently, intending to distract the Japanese and calm him down somehow as he gave him an angered look.

The Japanese clicked his tongue and looked away in irritation. "Get lost."

Well, Allen figured his plan had worked (at least to some extent) so... "He's so charming, isn't he?" He asked a bit sarcastically, letting out a soft chuckle as he turned back to Lenalee.

The pretty much unexpected comment made the female Exorcist lift her head again. And for a moment there, she couldn't help her bewilderment, as she stared at Allen in awe.

It was really astonishing how her friend learned to deal with Kanda by now.

"_Oi_, brat, you having a death wish?" The older man warned, though Lenalee could tell that there was no real malice in his voice.

"Look who's talking."

And at that point the short-haired girl could see it clearly. Kanda really did hold a completely different attitude when it came to Allen. They still seemed to bicker at every possible opportunity, true, but their fights weren't like they used to be.

She couldn't quite explain it, but... It almost seemed as if they were trying to test each other out. To see what kind of reactions they would get, depending on the question or comment offered. The two almost seemed... curious about one another.

What's more – there seemed to be this astonishing aura of understanding between them.

There was just no way that Allen could be indifferent to Kanda. How could the boy even think otherwise?

_"He treats you differently from everyone else."_

_"Different doesn't mean better. You've seen how we jump to our throats all the time."_

Or was there something behind the whole picture that she wasn't aware of, after all?

"...Why were you even apart?"

The question that suddenly left her was directed to Allen, though she wouldn't mind hearing an answer from the Japanese as well. Kanda was the one who contacted her and Lavi, after all. However it came to all that mess, she did have the right to know, didn't she? It involved all of them.

The question did catch the boy a bit off-guard, as expected, though.

"Uh... Well, we got into a fight..." Allen explained, trying to be careful with his choice in words. Lenalee would definitely be better off without knowing some things. "But it was mostly my fault, so..."

"No, it wasn't." Kanda cut him off angrily, which in turn made both him and the girl direct his attention to the dark-haired.

"But I was the one to–"

"Shut up."

Lenalee just blinked at them, amazed all the more. But in a good way. Just then, realization about something hit her, too, however. She interrupted them before, didn't she?  
"Um, I... I'll leave you two alone, then. You still need to sort some things out, it seems."

"Ah, no– it's not like–" Allen tried to be polite, but the short-haired girl knew better by now.

Lenalee was already opening the door, intending to leave, when–

"_What's that_?" A sudden, unexpected voice reached everyone's ears from somewhere around the hallway. "_Did I just hear right? Was that the voice of a particular boy who's supposed to be laying in bed right now?_"

It was pretty easy to conclude who it was. The three Exorcists present in the room couldn't help but stiffen at the words, a chill running down their spine.

"_Allen, I believe your room is one floor below._" The Head Nurse's voice sounded threateningly low.

"Oh? Well... Haha..." The youngest of the four tried to shake his nervousness off. "I'm alright now, so..." He smiled, trying to convince the scary-looking woman. "If it's okay, I just wanted to have a word with Kanda and I'll be right–"

"_What was that? I think I didn't hear right._"

Allen gulped, trying not to panic as he felt a murderous aura right next to him. "Uh... _please?_"

"You're far from alright, boy." Nurse started, suddenly all serious. "That wound is far from healed – and it's actually a miracle you didn't lose your voice because of it."

This, however, made Allen direct his gaze to the floor, while Kanda's and Lenalee's shifted to him – both surprised and concerned.

"Save your voice for now. Go get some rest. You need it. _Now_."

A second of silence passed before Allen lifted his head and directed his gaze to the Japanese, giving him an apologetic look. And without saying a word more, the boy advanced towards the room's exit, leaving quietly. The Head Nurse stayed behind, while Lenalee followed her snow-haired friend.

"Allen-kun..."

"...I'm sorry it turned out like this."

"No, _I'm_ sorry." The girl insisted, not understanding what the boy wanted to even apologize for. "You probably wanted to talk to Kanda in private, didn't you? And I interrupted you like that... And now Nurse won't–"

"Lenalee." Allen cut her off confidently. "It's okay. Don't worry about it. Besides, it's not like... Kanda will run away anywhere, right?" Or maybe he tried to reassure himself of the fact alone. Leaving the Japanese's side right now was the last thing he wanted to do... somehow. "I'll talk to him tomorrow, see? No harm done."

"Still..." Lenalee looked worried.

Her friend was just saying that, wasn't he? There was nothing wrong in acting selfish from time to time and she couldn't help but wonder whether Allen would ever toss his polite mask aside. She wanted him to be more honest with her.

For now, she decided to concentrate more on what she could do. "Oh, I'll show you to your room. This place is a little big, so it's easy to get lost."

Allen was a bit taken aback by the sudden eagerness. But still, it was a welcomed change.

"Oh, that would be much appreciated. Thanks."

* * *

During the whole walk to Allen's room (which was on the 2nd floor) the atmosphere was pleasant. Lenalee didn't ask anything about Kanda, and the younger boy didn't ask anything in return. They just joked about some things, which were hardly related to any of their current problems.

"This is it." The female Exorcist exclaimed, pointing to a door they just came across. And without putting any thought to it, she reached for the handle and opened the door, entering the room. Allen followed, acknowledging the small piece of space.

"Okay, thanks." He smiled.

"I'll come for you in the morning." Lenalee smiled in return. "Rest well."

Allen only gave a slight nod. But then, right when the girl was about to leave, her smile faded.

"Say, Allen-kun..."

The sudden change in mood didn't leave the white-haired unaffected either, his face softening. "Hmm?"

"Between... you and Kanda..." Lenalee started, her words uncertain. "Did... something serious happen?"

Allen just kept staring at her, blinking, before he looked away, not sure what to say. Hell, what was he supposed to say, even?

That the Noah in him was starting to go out of control and that he apparently has taken a liking to Kanda? That – apparently – Kanda had taken a liking to the Fourteenth as well? That they–

"I won't push you if you don't want to talk about it." His female friend added at the lack of response, bringing Allen's attention back to the here and now. "Just... you know... if you ever feel like talking to someone... I'll listen."

Allen closed his eyes at the words, inhaling softly. Well, he knew that by now. But as much as he wanted to believe in Lenalee and take her offer on, he couldn't help but doubt whether she was the right person he could cry his heart out to. If Lenalee liked him, then she'd only worry more. And also, because of this simple fact – that she saw him as someone more than just a friend – he couldn't tell her everything. It would be too painful for her.

The boy needed to approach the matter differently.

_Lenalee... What do you think about the Fourteenth?_

He wanted to ask, but at the same time, he knew that Lenalee wasn't the person he wanted to ask that question to. He already had a vague idea of what an answer he'd get, anyway, and that wouldn't really convince him of anything. He didn't feel like boring into the matter at the moment, anyway.

"I'll keep it in mind. Thanks." Allen decided to leave it at that.

But the moment he suddenly felt a hand pressing to his head, ruffling his hair playfully, he couldn't help but give the girl before him a startled and confused look.

"Well, whatever it is, don't let it get to you." Lenalee smiled at him again, giving him a reassuring look. "Kanda isn't easy to deal with, we both know that. He can be a real jerk sometimes... well – okay – most of the time." A chuckle escaped her. "But deep inside, he cares. I know he does."

As sappy as the words were... they actually did make Allen feel a bit better. And he smiled, even though it was a slightly sad smile. "Thanks."

"You plan to sneak into his room later, do you not?"

Now this time Allen was bewildered beyond belief, his eyes widening, as he started at his friend, who... looked like the most innocent person in the whole wide world. "Huh?"

"I knew it. Just be careful and don't let Nurse catch you."

And with that, Lenalee was already behind the door, and it's when she closed it, did the boy realize that his mouth was agape. And... his cheeks warmer than they should have been.

"What... Wait, _what_–" The words left him, even though there was no-one left to hear them anymore.

Did Lenalee seriously say that just now? _The_ Lenalee who always seemed to be bashful about these kind of things–

For a moment there he seriously had a feeling he was talking with Lavi. Because the red-head would definitely joke about it in such a way, had he only been here. What's more, where did Lenalee even get such an idea from–

_...Was it really that obvious?_

_

* * *

_

"Road, what the hell are you doing?"

"Isn't it obvious? I'm keeping watch."

"That's not what I meant and you know it." The other person went on. "You thought I wouldn't notice?"

The eldest Noah fell silent.

"The shadows of your past might kill you someday, you know?" A cigarette was being lit, a drag taken. "Especially when it comes to him."

A soft breeze left her hair dancing, as Road lifted her head and looked at the night sky. "I'm just doing what I think is right."

"…You just can't let go, can you?"

The girl kept still for another short moment. "If I don't do anything… we'll die, Tyki."

"I don't get it. Why are you putting so much confidence in him?"

…_I know his power, Tyki. I know what he's capable of. I even made him grasp some of my abilities. He knows our weaknesses now. And he knows my_–

The question lingered in the air unanswered.

"Whatever I say won't change your mind, won't it? Just– Road, whatever you do, don't let the Earl notice."

"He knows."

"…Knows what?"

"That I'm planning to bring him back." It sounded as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "And that I'm doing things my way."

"But you don't really plan to–"

"Shh." Road pressed a finger to her lips, the motion silencing the other Noah. "Just trust me on this one, okay?"

* * *

Allen opened his eyes only to find himself enshrouded in darkness.

He lay down shortly after Lenalee had left, and even though he intended to wait – not fall asleep like he apparently did – the fatigue in his body must have won over his whims. It was true that he felt sore and tired. It was true that talking alone felt slightly painful to him now and he hoped that Nurse wouldn't actually mention it in front of his friends. He was good at ignoring the ache and he didn't want either of them to worry about it.

He knew that his body would be better off if he went back to sleep. But right now– right now Kanda was more important than that. He couldn't understand the logic in his priorities, but he simply felt like he wouldn't be able to rest properly until he faced the Japanese and the… particular problem that was eating him alive by now.

And the totally worst part– The totally worst part was that he couldn't help but miss Kanda, being here on his own like this. He really had no idea when did he become so emotionally unstable and fragile, but the sole fact that he couldn't be by the dark-haired man's side right now felt as if a part of his soul had been ripped apart and taken away from him. He simply didn't have the opportunity to notice it before, because they were practically together till this point on.

But it was just one stupid night. One short night and they would be able to talk about it freely later on, whenever they got the opportunity to be alone. It was only logical.

And yet, Allen didn't want to listen to logic.

Even if it was stupid, and even if it was true that Kanda wouldn't run away anywhere and they could talk in peace later– he just couldn't let it go. This feeling couldn't let him go. He wanted to talk to Kanda. He wanted to see him. He wanted to know the truth, even if… even if the truth would be painful.

He needed to know why Kanda did what he did.

Talking with the Fourteenth was also an option. But in all honesty? That bastard would probably tell him everything beside what he really wanted to know. As things stood, he didn't even want to look at the Noah right now.

"Screw this…"

Deciding not to bore any more into the matter, the white-haired boy moved from the bed, getting to his feet. On a whim, he moved to the window of the small room and took a peek outside.

The view was directed at the hospital's garden – if one could call it that – with the majority of grass and tall, leafless trees covered by a thin layer of snow. Everything was illuminated by the moonlight, making it more or less easy to recognize the surroundings. From the number of rooms Allen was able to see from where he was, he could conclude that most of the people in the hospital were already asleep.

The less people there were, the easier it was for him to act freely.

He wondered whether Kanda would be already asleep, too.

_Wouldn't it be funny if he were to barge into my room right now? _The boy thought to himself amusedly. Then sighed, resigned. What was he even thinking? _That would never happen and I know it…_

Just when he was about to turn around and leave, something flashed before his eyes.

Suddenly alert and intrigued, Allen stared at the garden, observing it intently. He could swear there was some kind of movement there before. But he waited and waited, and everything was still now. Maybe it was just his imagination after all–

Okay, apparently it wasn't. There really was something behind one of the trees, moving. Or rather – _someone_. And the moment Allen recognized the features of his intrigue, he thought that his heart would jump to his throat, his insides twirling in a fit of panic.

"Oh crap…"

* * *

Allen was outside the room faster than he knew it, thanking the heavens that the light in his room wasn't turned on when he stood in front of the window a few minutes back. He wanted to run like a maniac to one place only – but he was painfully aware that right now he needed to proceed in caution. Nurse was the least of his worries, though.

What was _Crow_ doing here–?

He could hear whispers.

Whispers and footsteps that were only getting louder, and Allen couldn't help but thank his instincts which told him to hide inside one of the wardrobes in an unoccupied open room which he managed to stumble upon along the way.

He couldn't see them, but he knew they were there.

Members of Crow have gotten into the hospital, and Allen could only guess what they were doing here.

It was stupid of them to have been worried about the Noah alone. Why didn't he think of this before? It was only logical that Central would try to pursue them. In all honesty, it wasn't daily occurrence for most of the Exorcists to leave the Order of their own free will like that (without an explanation, for that matter). It was natural that the higher-ups weren't pleased and would try to do something about it.

The question was: how did they manage to trace them here? Were they raiding the hotel as well?

The silent footsteps were getting nearer and nearer, and the moment Allen could tell the people were inside the room containing the wardrobe he locked himself in, he held his breath.

If they found him, it was over. It was bloody over, because– dammit, he didn't even tell any of his friends that he _still_ wasn't able to activate his Innocence after what Lulubell did to him. He was as helpless as a mouse right now, and he felt cornered like one. If a fight was bound to start here–

Hell, they couldn't put the hospital's patients in danger. Was Crow stupid? Would they really do a bloody massacre here once push came to shove? Or–

Or were they aware that Allen would surrender in exchange for the lives of all the innocent people here? Was that their tactic?

Damn it all, why didn't he think to ask for a second communicator from his friends before they had to split up? He would at least be able warn them about–

"Let's go."

Allen stiffened at the unexpected voice, but soon relaxed as he could hear the footsteps resuming and getting more and more silent. Well, by the sounds they made, he could conclude that two people just passed him. But who knew how many more Crow members were actually inside the hospital?

When the white-haired boy figured that the coast was finally clear, he decided to move. Leaving the wardrobe as silently as possible, he made his way back to the corridor.

The hallway was silent, dark and empty, and Allen had to thank his well-developed night vision to come in handy at such a time. Now if only he remembered where Kanda's room actually was. He tried hard to remind himself of the way Leanlee escorted him along a few hours earlier.

* * *

"Allen Walker!"

_Shit– shit– shit– shit– _

"You treacherous fiend!"

The white-haired boy accidentally ran over a bucket full of water, making the liquid spill all over the floor. "Ow–"

"I knew you couldn't be trusted!"

That was far from stopping him in running for his dear life, though. Or rather for his mental health. God, was this guy's voice _intimidating_–

"We should have disposed of you the moment you raised suspicion!"

Not only wasn't Kanda in his room the moment he had finally managed to reach it–

"You're a disgrace to all the Exorcists!"

–what the bloody hell was _Rouvellier_ doing _here_, _too_, of all _places_?

"Heresy!"

And he just needed to be the one to spot him, didn't he? Life would just be too easy otherwise.

"The Vatican will have your head for this!"

And did those red-cloaked pawns have to make their _hocus-pocus_ and seal his hands? It's not like he could use his Innocence in the first place and– goddamn was this shit _heavy_. It looked like a few simple, thin paper cards with some weird drawings on them that surrounded his limbs. And yet, an item so trivial infested with magic could do such wonders. He had trouble walking with this, let alone run–

"A God's servant turning into a Noah! Pah! And not only that!"

Allen crashed into a locker this time, and whatever there was that was standing freely on top of it – bottles, glasses, and other medical stuff he failed to even care to name at the moment – all of it fell to the floor, splattering all over it loudly. So much for keeping the hospital quiet – not that he gave a damn anymore.

"You stained everyone else with your unholy deeds! Heresy I say!"

He was more worried about himself now, the crash making him clench his side from the sharp pain. But he didn't cease to run, because stopping was really the last thing he wanted to do right now.

The locker did hinder his movement for a short while, though, and Rouvellier didn't fail to notice it. Or to use it.

It was a very loud, numbing noise. A gun shot that he remembered hearing coming from his Master's weapon that just rang in his ears, making him stop immediately.

Slowly, Allen turned to the side, noticing the hole that just appeared in the wall right next to him. And then, he turned in Rouvellier's direction, for the very first time, establishing eye contact with that senile man.

"The next one won't miss, I assure you."

Great, so the Hitler-dude even had a firearm with him. And the white-haired boy already feared the worst, helplessly observing as Rouvellier approached him, that cursed weapon pointed at him the whole time.

Allen only took a few steps back before his back collided with a wall.

"You don't have to do this, you know." The young Exorcist threw confidently, trying to hide all the nervousness and the fear that was twirling in the pit of his stomach.

"Silence!"

Worst case scenario– no, he didn't even want to think of worst case scenarios as he felt the tip of the gun being pressed to the underside of his chin. If Rouvellier was senile enough – which he most probably was – he'd shoot him here and now. There wasn't much point in keeping him restrained inside the Order now, was there?

"Allen Walker!"

The boy's heartbeat quickened as he stared into the eyes of a madman. He knew that it would be it if he didn't do something right about now, but he also knew that one wrong move would most likely get him killed.

"You will die here like the scum you are!"

In the end, fear paralyzed him. The moment Rouvellier screamed the words in his face, Allen shut his eyes tight, bracing himself for what was about to come.

Stupid restrains on his hands, if only they weren't there. If only he could activate his Innocence, none of this would have happened. He wouldn't be pressed to the wall so helplessly, with a gun in his face. He wouldn't be in the good graces of someone who obviously wanted him dead. And he wouldn't blame himself for not acting more confidently and convincing Nurse that his talk with Kanda really couldn't wait.

And the worst part was probably the fact that he already managed to escape death once not long ago. Hell, it happened in the bloody same day! He didn't want Kanda's efforts to go to waste… not like this– not when– not now–

_Kanda, I..._

_**BANG!**_

Something warm splattered onto his face.

"Headshot!"

And that Allen felt like freaking out was an understatement. But as milliseconds passed by, thousand of questions kept assaulting him – starting on the one if he was already dead, because he couldn't even feel any pain. But then he heard a noise, of someone falling, then of _something_ falling, and... Now he must have been really hearing things, because he could sweat that the voice that just–

The boy opened his eyes and the first thing he could see was _red_. Crimson blood was splattered before him – bucketfuls of it – surrounding the body that lay just next to his feet.

Rouvellier was... missing his head.

It took a second for the white-haired to comprehend that the hell had actually happened as he noticed someone else standing in the doorway.

"Damn, I wanted to do that for _ages_."

A few feet away from him, there was a certain red-head, standing there and blowing on his gun with a wide smirk on his face.

"M-Master?" Allen tried to reassure himself he wasn't hallucinating or something, and that he really was still alive, because... hey? What crazy shit was there still bound to happen?

"Sorry for being late, kiddo." Marian spoke, entering the room, approaching his pupil. "Well, at least this motherfucker won't be getting in our way anymore." For the hell of it, he kicked Rouvellier's limp body, almost as if trying to see if he was really dead. But then, Allen's lack of response worried him a bit. "Hey kid, you alright? You don't look too good..."

Well, considering that he probably suffered from some kind of trauma right now and that he was more red than he was usually _white_...

"Oh wait, I think I forgot about something."

Cross suddenly turned away from him, directing his attention to one of the Crow members that were still together in the room with them. Allen had to wonder if they had been there, following him and Rouvellier this whole time, because he hadn't even noticed that. Or maybe he hadn't really paid attention as he ran for his dear life.

"Your boss kicked the bucket as you can see." Marian started, pointing his weapon to the two red-cloaked people. "And now you have two choices. Option one: you get in our way and die. Option two: you scram and leave us the fuck alone." A short pause followed. "In case you're wise enough and decide to choose option two, I'll consider not blowing your goddamn heads off."

To Allen it was really astonishing how Cross could say it all so easily, acting as if nothing had really happened here mere seconds ago.

"But before you decide whatever, be so kind and lift that spell." The red-head pointed in the younger Exorcist's direction. "The boy will still be needing his hands, mind you."

Crow did as Marian ordered and soon Allen felt a ton lighter.

Then the Order's pawns left the room, and the boy felt like he could finally relax a bit, the whole tension flowing out of him like water. His mind was still in one big mess, but his Master was now here with him, so–

Loud screams suddenly reached them, making Allen stiffen in shock again. But then, soon after that–

Kanda rushed into the room.

"Oh well, I tried to be nice for nothing." Cross commented, understanding to whom the screams actually belonged to now.

"You..." The Japanese seemed a bit startled as he noticed the red-headed general. But then, something else caught his attention, and Allen couldn't help but wonder if that was worry in Kanda's eyes that he was seeing just now.

"Shit, Walker..."

Okay, that the dark-haired seemed worried was an understatement. 'Freaked out' was probably a more fitting word. But for a moment there, the boy couldn't understand what made Kanda look so... "Huh? ...Oh, this?"

He looked at his hands, at his feet, at his shirt... all bloody-red. Well...

"I'm okay! It's not my blood..." Allen trailed off, as he shifted his gaze to the headless corpse in front of him. He actually wasn't sure whether to feel sorry for Rouvelier or not...

"Okay, I'd love to let you guys get all lovey-dovey–" Cross suddenly interrupted the white-haired's train of thought. "–but this place is still crawling with Crow and we need to move. Just get your ass cleaned or something, because I'm not running around the town with a death wish."

"Um..." The white-haired boy had no idea why, but he had some serious problems with catching on.

"Come on." Kanda suddenly caught his attention, as he pulled him to his feet (uh, when did he fall to the floor to begin with?) and started to yank him to the side.

"Yeah, there's a sink in there. Now step on it. I'm having the hallway covered."

* * *

It took a moment for Allen to realize that Kanda dragged him into a bathroom (which was apparently connected to the room they were just in). And somehow, the boy had a serious case of deja vu.

"Clean your face. Just remember to use cold water."

Clenching the sides of the sink that Kanda left him at, Allen inhaled and tried to concentrate. He needed to get a hold of himself. For whatever reason, his head was spinning and his vision was blurry. Whether it was because of the spell that was cast on him by the Crow, or because of his clash with Rouvellier, or because of a whole different reason he failed to think of at the moment all together, he had no idea, but he was being delirious.

Trying to occupy his mind with something else (like Kanda's order, for instance) he splashed cold water into his face. The stench of blood intensified, making him want to vomit, but the boy just coughed before he repeated the process.

"Clean myself up..." He mumbled under his nose when he started to feel a bit better. "How the hell am I supposed to clean this up? It's a white shirt, for hell's sake–"

"We'll get you a new one." Kanda cut him off, already searching through the drawers which stood at the other end of the bathroom.

Well, there were no clothes they could use in there, unfortunately, but at least there was a massive amount of towels. The Japanese threw a bunch of them in Walker's direction before he advanced to the next piece of furniture.

Picking up the soft material that appeared by his feet, Allen buried and rubbed his face in it, trying to get himself dry. Somewhere at the back of his mind, he was glad that Kanda had found them and that the Japanese was giving him a hand with all this. Things just happened so fast that he didn't get the chance to think about it till now.

Kanda really did seem to be worried about him, didn't he...?

The younger Exorcist stared at the towel in his hands, which was still clean and white just mere seconds ago. Such a sharp contrast, compared to his left hand...

Then Allen's gaze shifted to his right limb – or rather to the dark piece of cloth that was still wrapped around his palm. Somehow, he forgot that it was even there. But now it was all dirty as well, so he probably should take it off and clean it, too…

The boy seriously started to wonder if he was getting as delirious as he thought as he kept staring at his exposed hand, free from the cloth now. His gaze shifted to the mirror automatically a moment after. Allen observed his reflection in the reflective surface intently, trying to ignore how horrid he looked with all the traces of blood smeared along his white hair.

"Kanda..." Allen suddenly started, a bit unsure. He knew that it was nor the time or place to ask such a thing, but... "What... what did you do with the Fourteenth... exactly?"

"What?" Naturally, the Japanese seemed confused by the sudden question, as he ceased his search and turned in the younger boy's direction. "...What do you mean?"

Allen blinked at the mirror before him for a moment more. He really tried to put two and two together as he asked himself... why hadn't he noticed it before? Did it happen... just now? But... why? _What the hell?_

"He's not there." The white-haired finally answered, his voice puzzled. "The Fourteenth's gone."

* * *

**Nayru's Note:** Looking at the time and effort this whole chapter took me to write, I think it sucks ass from a straw. I'm so unsatisfied with it that I want to cry every time I re-read it, but all my attempts at trying to fix it failed badly.  
"It was needed for the plot" – that's what I keep telling myself, and I guess I'll stick to that (for reassurance's sake).

What do you guys think about the chapter, though? Was it as bad for you as it was for me?

But yeah, beside all that, it's the 20th chapter, woo! When I started to write this story... almost 2,5 years back (omg, it's been so long already?) I never imagined it would become so long. My Yullen passion hasn't faded during all this time even the tiniest bit (I'm surprised by the fact myself, really) and I'm happy that I can continue this for you guys (even though I'm slow with it). And looking at all the plot I've already planned out, there's stil like 10 more chapters or something to go. xd


	21. Friend or Foe?

**Warnings: Behold, for this chapter consists of plot. You've lived to the day in which a lot of your questions will finally be answered! (Or at least I think they will.)**

* * *

**~Gone Forever~**  
**Chapter 21: Friend or foe?**

* * *

"What do you mean he's gone?" Kanda asked again, sounding as puzzled as Allen himself. It was a matter of seconds before the dark-haired approached the boy, giving him a suspicious yet curious look.

"Exactly what I mean... he's gone." The younger of the two repeated, though the voice which left his lips was full of uncertainty and hesitation. "I can't see him in the mirror anymore... And look," then he raised his right hand in front of them both. "The stigmatas... they're gone, too."

Out of sole reflex, the Japanese caught the wrist of the hand that was being offered to him, only to pull it closer and inspect it more thoroughly.

It was just as Allen claimed - the palm of his right hand was free from any kind of wounds. There was no cross-shaped mark etched into the flesh, contrary to what Kanda had seen appearing with his own eyes just a longer while ago. There wasn't even a scratch.

"And your feet?" The older Exorcist asked automatically.

Understanding the intent of the question immediately, the boy kneeled down, reaching for one of his shoes. And after the layers of fabric were gone– "...Not even a trace."

The older man watched Allen rearrange himself in silence, his thoughts running in circles. "...How?"

"That's what I want to know." Walker spoke a lot more confidently this time. "That's why I've asked you what have you done to him. He wouldn't just... disappear without a reason like that, would he?"

Back at eye-level with the Japanese, now Allen looked like he wanted to bore himself into Kanda's soul with the intense gaze he was giving. Silence fell upon the bathroom as the two kept staring at each other intently.

But truth to be told, the older man was confused. Surely, whatever it was that happened to occur between him and the Fourteenth wouldn't have such an influence on the bastard? Was it their last night? ...Or was it something entirely different?

Whatever the case, things would be too easy if the Noah disappeared for good, just like that. Somehow he had a hard time believing that was the last they would see of him.

Still, was there something he had missed?

"Hey ladies! Step on it, will you!" A sudden yell startled the two. And both were pretty convinced it belonged to a certain red-headed general which they almost forgot about for a moment there. "You're not making out in there, are you!"

Allen had the sudden urge to facepalm himself. And get the hell out of the bloody bathroom as fast as possible for that matter. His Master was seriously impossible sometimes.

* * *

The snow-haired boy regretted the lack of a scarf and gloves as he finally took a step outside the building together with his two companions. He was thankful that they at least managed to find some kind of old jacket in a cramped hospital closet (which, to his satisfaction, was even hooded - perfect for the traces of blood that were still left on his white locks). But even with the thick wear, the frosty air was already starting to give him a hard time.

He had no idea where they were even supposed to go, and the snow that was falling into his face and disturbing his vision as he stopped in his tracks wasn't making things any better. Let alone the fact that it was night, and the streets weren't that brightly lit, either.

Well, there was also something else he wanted to know.

"Master, how did you find us here?" Allen turned to Cross, acknowledging his figure properly for the first time since they met that night.

"Well, there's something you apparently forgot." Marian answered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, suddenly reaching for his pocket. Moments later, a golden ball with wings flew into the air, tackling the youngest Exorcist on the spot.

"Oh my God, Tim..." The boy gasped in bewilderment, catching the golem in his hands. And just then it hit him - when was even the last time he's seen it? How could he forget about his pet? They were still together by the time-

...By the time Kanda had found him?

"Come on, we should step on it." Cross suddenly exclaimed. "God only knows if Crow isn't hanging somewhere around here, too-"

The General stopped in his tracks when the sound of a sword being unsheathed reached his ears. Much to Allen's own horror.

"K-Kanda-?"

And Marian didn't really seem that surprised from his apprentice's shock and the thing behind its cause. The moment the red-head turned around, there was a katana pointed in his direction.

"I'm not following you anywhere before you give me some answers." Kanda hissed, holding his weapon confidently. "And I think that this brat here would want to have some questions answered as well."

Cross appearing out of nowhere like that? Especially when it was convenient for him? He wasn't buying any of it.

"Ehh... as stubborn as always, I see." Marian sighed, pulling a cigarette out and taking a drag while lighting it. "I had a hunch this would happen."

"Why did you run away from the Order? Why the hell have you been accused of treason in the first place?" The dark-haired demanded. "What the fuck is your relationship with the Noah?"

Cross took another drag, closing his eyes, looking perfectly calm. "You see, that's something I'd like to explain once we're gathered with everyone else."

That said, the General tried to move, only to get stopped by Kanda yet again.

"Don't give me that shit. Hell if I know you won't make a run for it the next moment we get our eyes off of you. Just like you did back at the Order, not giving a damn about anything. Did you ever stop to think how your disciple felt about that? And what your actions have caused-"

The Japanese got cut off by a whistle and a smirk that implied something that made his blood boil. Oh, how he hated that implying look on this jerk's face. "He really did hook you around his little finger."

"Why you son of a-"

"Can you two stop it?" No matter how grateful deep inside Allen was for Kanda being so unusually considerate of him, he had to interfere and catch the other's blade - with his left hand, of course - hindering the man's movements as he turned to him intently. "They might really find us here if we stay here any longer-"

"So what, you want to blindly follow this prick again?" The dark-haired tried yanking Mugen away, anger in his voice. "Your constant trust got us nothing but trouble till now, Walker!"

Ignoring whatever words of complaint that Cross mumbled behind him, the youngest Exorcist looked away, making Kanda wonder if it was hurt that flashed through Allen's face for a split second.

The Japanese didn't mean any harm, really. He didn't. He just wanted for Walker to learn. To look back at his own mistakes. To make him understand what situation they were in; what could they afford risking and what they couldn't.

They were... they were in this together now, weren't they?

"Okay, I don't mean any harm, but Kanda is right." Allen closed his eyes for a short moment and sighed, as if finally making his mind up and ready to side with his companion's point of view.

The moment he turned back in Cross' direction, his eyes were full of determination.

"Master, what is going on? Tell me, please."

And that maybe did take the red-headed general a bit off guard.

"Since you insist that much..." Marian took yet another drag, looking a bit less pleased with the situation. "Just... can you listen to me while we walk, at least?"

* * *

"Truth is, I've wanted for Rouvelier to disappear from the picture for a longer while now. I assume I don't need to voice out the reasons, do I?" Cross stopped for a moment, even though the question was pretty much rhetorical. "Central or not - that guy seriously went over the line. Somebody needed to put a stop to that. I simply used every opportunity I could to get near him."

"Then..." Allen trailed off, trying to get his words together while giving his Master a slightly worried look. He was aware of Kanda's presence; the Japanese was following them both closely behind. "When the Order accused you of attacking Central together with the Noah..."

"Yes, that might have seemed a bit ambiguous from the outside." Marian admitted. "I've never joined them for real, though. I mean, seriously - who do you hold me for? We just made a small deal. Or an exchange, you could say."

"Exchange?" The white-haired boy repeated, curious.

"Rouvelier's head." Cross deadpanned. "For you."

"What?" Walker shrieked, feeling a sudden dark aura appearing at his back.

"It was all but a bluff, of course." The General assured as if it was obvious, shaking his hands in front of him, gesticulating for his companions to chill. "Once they would help me kill Rouvelier - since we kind of did have similar targets at the time - I wouldn't let them get their hands on you, anyway."

"...That's dirty, Master." Allen just had to comment on it, as he let out a sigh. Well, Cross would probably always be Cross.

"Hey, I had no idea they were stupid enough to go along with it in the first place." The red-head shrugged, as if not understanding the blame that was put on him. "Those twins really weren't the brightest bunch. It was the loli-girl's fault for leaving me with those two idiots."

This seemed to have caught Allen's attention, however, his eyes going wide in surprise. "Loli-girl?" Did his Master mean Road? "Wait, the twins were alive?"

"Yeah, _were_." Cross emphasized the past tense, implying the obvious. "And yes, a creepy-looking loli-girl. And a dude with curly hair. And some chick with a stick up her ass. Those three Noah found me first, but they apparently had some other business to take care of."

"Road Kamelot proposed the idea?" Surprisingly, the one who asked this time was Kanda.

"Jesus, those kids have fucked up names." Marian commented more to himself. "If that's how the loli-girl is called, then... wait, why do you ask?"

"No reason." The Japanese shrugged.

This, however, made the general turn his head in the dark-haired Exorcist's direction, their gazes locking. And behind the serious look that Kanda received, he was positive that there was something left unsaid there.

Did Road try to cooperate with Cross, just like she tried helping him back then? What the hell was up with that? And if that really was the case, then why was this bastard trying to hide it?

"Well, anyway," Marian suddenly continued, changing the topic. "As you probably already concluded, the whole plan failed. And since the fucker I wanted dead was still alive, I had to take compensation and shot these two Noah instead. At least they seemed to have died good." He pointed out in a cocky tone. "Things got a bit messy after that. So I made a run for it."

"So... You killed those two Noah." Allen murmured, almost as if talking to himself. "And it happened when the evacuation order was given."

"Yeah, I think someone mentioned something about that during the whole commotion." Marian deadpanned, not sure what was supposed to be so interesting in that fact.

"Okay. This might be just a guess... And I might assume things on my own, but... I've wanted to make sure of something for a while now." The youngest Exorcist paused for a moment, turning to the dark-haired this time. "Kanda, you remember that time when you found me in the bathroom?"

The Japanese seemed a bit taken aback when Allen suddenly turned around and looked in his direction, but shortly, his expression softened. "Considering all the theater that you caused."

The white-haired boy smiled weakly to that, if not a bit apologetically, though Kanda wasn't sure why. "I can't quite explain it, but... I think the Fourteenth... felt that they died, somehow." He paused yet again, as if trying to sort his thoughts out. "How should I put this..."

"Basically, you mean to say that when those two Noah got killed, the Fourteenth inside of you reacted to that and affected you along with it?" Cross offered his help.

"Yes, exactly! It was as if sorrow suddenly flew inside of me out of nowhere and I couldn't control any of it..." The boy started enthusiastically, but then trailed off again. "Though I have no idea how the Fourteenth could have known about anything happening with another Noah just like that."

"It's all in the genes." The general answered without a hint of hesitation. "The Noah can do that. Feel each other's presence and whatnot. And they can't control it. One of them dies and it affects the rest of the clan, whether they want it or not. It's not the person they're mourning, but the Noah inside of them. And it's the Noah that mourn, not the people - assuming they don't have any emotional ties with the person in question."

The overflow of information was unexpected for both Allen and Kanda.

"Basically, it means that the Fourteenth felt sorrow because of another Noah's loss simply because he was _programmed_ to do so. It wasn't something he had influence on. And he probably was pissed at the sole fact himself." Cross paused for a short moment, but then continued before any of the other two asked him the question he already knew would come flying. "How do I know this? I've seen it happen. More than once, actually. And let me leave it at that, at least for now."

Allen's mouth was already open, the thing he wanted to ask stuck at the edge of his tongue. He wanted to - _no_, he _needed_ to know this. His Master owned him an explanation - a proper explanation about himself and the Noah and whatever it was that went on between them. And yet, the moment Marian beat him to it and went all preventive, he hesitated.

Was it really not the time and place to ask? Was it because of Kanda? Or was Cross planning to clear this up when they met with the others (somehow he had a hard time imagining it could be this option, but then again who knew). Whatever the case, Allen had no idea, but he was sure of one thing - we wouldn't let his Master get out of this one again.

"Okay." The white-haired boy said, determination written all over his face. There was also one more thing that intrigued him in regards to his new revelation. "So does this mean that Lulubell is still alive?"

Because if what his Master said was true, he would be aware of her death.

It intrigued Kanda as well.

* * *

It was far from what they had imagined. Or at least from what Allen had imagined. When Cross mentioned something about preparing a hideout for them, he kind of expected to see a run-down basement of sorts. Best case scenario - an abandoned inn.

But this?

The three Exorcists entered the building - the house - which to Allen's surprise wasn't run-down at all. Quite the contrary. He almost couldn't believe his eyes as he went past the entrance, then the wide corridor, only to reach a hall the size of... one fourth of their previous training grounds, maybe.

Big windows with gathered curtains decorating the walls, a fancy staircase granting access upstairs, thick carpets covering the floor, various wardrobes, shelves, tables - that and so much more surrounded a couple of sofas standing in the middle of the hall, right next to a burning fireplace.

It was a bloody _mansion_.

When Allen's bewilderment finally faded, he was able to notice two people on one of the sofas. Lenalee lay curled up with the tip of her head placed neatly in Lavi's lap, while the future Bookman was sitting with his head thrown back against the backrest. Both of them were apparently asleep.

Well, _were_ being the keyword, as they suddenly started to stir, most likely having woken to the sounds of three people entering their new base.

"Since we're already gathered here," Cross interrupted whatever words of greeting Lenalee wanted to say upon recognizing both her white-haired and Japanese friends. "I'd like us to form a meeting and have a small talk. So that everything's clear from the beginning. I know it's the middle of the night and you're probably tired, but I'd like to get this over with as fast as possible."

The female Exorcist stood up, adjusting herself. "Alright, we'll go get my brother and everyone else, then." And that said, she advanced together with Lavi upstairs, Allen's gaze following them both as they moved.

Then the boy's attention went back to Cross. "Master, don't mind me asking, but... what is this place and who does it belong to?"

Much to Allen's surprise, the red-headed general smirked to that. "Let's say that all of that debt-collecting of yours didn't go to total waste."

* * *

"Okay, now that we're all gathered, let me begin." Cross exclaimed, his voice loud and clear in the spacious but currently cramped hall.

Allen, Kanda, Lavi, Lenalee, Marie, Krory, Miranda, Tiedoll, Bookman, Head Nurse, Bak, Lou Fa with her two other friends (whose names the white-haired boy failed to recall at the moment), Komui, Reever and a few other people from the science department - all of them were present. The place might have been big, but over twenty people weren't a small number in one room.

Still, everyone's attention turned to the red-headed general immediately the moment he spoke.

"The fact that you're here must mean that you weren't particularly fond of the Order's way of doing things - and bless you all for it. Welcome to a better place." Marian exclaimed enthusiastically before adding in a more quiet tone: "...Well, we still have no cook, but that's not something that can't be taken care of."

That seemed to have lighten the mood and tension a little, some laughter and giggles coming from the listeners echoing throughout the hall.

"I know you might have questions you'd like to ask me, but please try to bear with them and wait till I'm finished with what I have to say first. I'm going to start with a few facts regarding our new base."

Cross stopped for a moment, then, content with the silence, continued.

"This is a two-story building on the surface, not including the roof. The floor which we are currently on has a big-ass kitchen, but probably all of us won't fit there at once, so either we sit and eat there in turns or simply take the food elsewhere - I don't really care as long as you don't leave a mess after yourself. There are six rooms on the first floor - each one of them a double. We already took the courtesy of assigning everyone to their place, but since you two weren't there when it happened," Marian pointed out in Allen's and Kanda's direction as he said it, "I'll go over it again."

The two mentioned boys' curiosity seemed to have intensified.

"First room on the left - Head Nurse; second room on the left - Marie and Krory; third room on the left - Lavi and Bookman. And then, there's the first room on the right - Tiedoll; second room on the right - Lenalee and Miranda; and finally the third room on the right - you two. We're kind of low on space and I figured you two wouldn't mind staying in one room, anyway. In case you _do_ have a problem with it, pretty-face here can always go and share a room with Tiedoll."

Allen blinked in slight surprise at the info, but then his gaze turned to Kanda when Cross mentioned the last option.

To his biggest surprise, the Japanese man didn't even comment on the nickname he received. He was already looking in his Master's direction. The older man waved his hand cheerfully in return, a huge and genuine smile on his face. The white-haired boy wondered if the "che" and the immediate look to the side meant that Kanda figured the first option wasn't so bad after all.

Without waiting for an answer, Cross continued where he left off. "Past the corridor with all those rooms is the staircase leading to the roof. There's nothing interesting there, but if anyone's desperate enough, they can train there. Fresh air and stuff. Anyway, there's also a bathroom on each floor. Four in total - one to the right when you go up the stairs, one near the kitchen and two down the basement."

Somewhere at the back of his mind, Allen wondered why anyone would put a bathroom - let alone two of them - in a basement. But then again...

"The basement is what's tricky about this mansion, I suppose. What's in the basement? The proper training grounds - not as big as the ones we had, but I doubt you'll complain at lack of space - and the science department lab - that place is almost three times as big as the rest of this mansion. Enjoy it to your heart's content."

Marian paused, pointing in the direction of a corridor - the one which stretched along the right wing from the mansion's main entrance.

"That's how you can get there. And finally, along the way, there's also my room and Komui's room - more to that shortly. One last thing that needs pointing out in regards to the structure of this mansion - in case you were wondering - there's a barrier set around it. I've been upgrading it for several years, and I can assure you that no Akuma will notice us here nor be able to enter this place. The Noah shouldn't feel our presence either, so as long as they don't see us come and go, we should be safe here."

Then, the general stopped for a short moment.

"Well, in regards to the base - I think that's more or less it." Suddenly, there was a cigarette making its way to the red-head's lips, pulled from one of his pockets.

Taking a drag after it was lit, Marian closed his eyes, blowing out a cloud of grey smoke.

"...Now for the harder part of our conversation."

For whatever reason, a slight feeling of dread appeared somewhere at the pit of Allen's stomach. Whether it was just anticipation or something else entirely, he couldn't tell.

"First of all - and I'll be straight to the point - Rouvelier's dead."

"...D-Dead?" Lenalee was the one to mutter, cutting through the commotion that broke out.

"I know it might be hard to believe, but I'm serious. That asshole won't be getting in our way anymore, rest assured." The red-headed general smiled at the female Exorcist. "If you want witnesses, go ahead and ask Allen."

Everyone turned in the boy's direction - well, everyone beside Kanda. The Japanese could tell that Allen wasn't happy with the topic that's been brought up without even looking at him.

He'd bet that the idiot even felt bad for that jerk's death, just because he was soft and naive like that. Had the circumstances been different, he'd rub it in Allen's face. And bring up another issue which was tied up in all of this mess - right now, however, it would do nothing but make Walker's mood worse. Maybe he'd ask Cross about this later, in private. For now, he was content with the fact that they got rid of one of their biggest enemies, and he was set on leaving it at that.

"Are remnants of his guts splattered all over me enough proof?"

The way Allen asked it made Kanda look at him immediately. He could swear that for a split second there was something odd about the boy - the Japanese had no idea what it was, but it made him confused.

"Yes, I've seen Rouvelier die before my very eyes. I didn't kill him - my Master did. And, in fact, he probably saved my life while he was at it." Walker explained in a serious tone, though Kanda couldn't rid himself of the weird impression of how hollow and morbid his voice had sounded. "And I'd be grateful, really, if it weren't for one small detail."

Grave silence cut through the room, and to Kanda's utmost surprise, even Cross seemed far from comfortable.

Had Walker noticed it, too?

...Maybe he wasn't as naive as he held him for, after all.

"Master, were you the one who lured Rouvelier and Crow into the hospital?" The question fell like a ton of iron.

Allen didn't want to ask this, he really didn't. But now that he thought about it, he had all the rights to be suspicious. He knew coincidences could be crazy sometimes, but still.

It wasn't even all that much about him. It was mostly about Kanda.

"True. It's just as you say." Cross suddenly admitted, for once, both sounding and looking guilty. "I planned it all out beforehand, and I knew what kind of risk it involved. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that."

There was a short pause.

"But you need to understand that if I hadn't done that, Rouvelier would be still alive and breathing, trying his best at making our existence miserable."

Well, Allen was at least glad that his Master didn't try to lie himself out of it.

"I don't mean that what you did was wrong - you did do it for the greater good, after all." He admitted him right. "But because you didn't warn us beforehand, you placed both mine and Kanda's lives in danger." And after a short pause of intense staring, he added: "I just hope you're aware that I won't be able to follow someone I can't trust."

The moment the white-haired finished his sentence, the silence stretched further. And now even Kanda was surprised from the boy's words.

"What I mean to say is..." Allen sighed, suddenly resigned, all the tension finally leaving him. "Promise us not to plan anything behind our backs anymore, okay? I'm not really mad at you or anything. If Kanda won't hold a grudge against you, then I won't, either."

The Japanese man seemed even more taken aback from the sudden mention, though he didn't show it for long.

"Che." He shook his shoulders, as if not really giving a damn. "I'm not the type to hold grudges."

Allen only smiled weakly to that. "Alright. We forgive you, then. Please go ahead and continue where you left off, Master."

Kanda had to vaguely wonder if the kid's masks were always that obvious to distinguish, or whether he simply spent so much time with Walker that he learned to read him like an open book.

* * *

That Cross proposed to be the leader of the group didn't really come as a shock to Allen - and he doubted it was a surprise to anyone else present in the mansion, actually. His Master did plan for most of this to happen, after all. Out of all of them, he was the person who was most aware of the situation.

He also was the one who made all the necessary preparations way before any of them even stopped to think about the necessity of them. He did find this base. If it weren't for Marian, they wouldn't even have a proper place to stay in. Not only that, it seemed that their financial problems weren't that big of a deal now, either. Allen was surprised to hear that Cross kept gathering money for this purpose precisely - and that he did it for the four past years.

Maybe the general wasn't lying when he said that Allen's debt-collecting didn't go to total waste, after all.

Cross wanted Komui to be his second in command - and there didn't seem to be anyone who was not content with the idea. Marian then explained, that their former supervisor would be in charge of everything most of the time, anyway. The red-headed general warned that he still had a lot of things to take care of and that he'd be on the constant run, leaving them here on their own. Him being the actual 'leader' was just formal stuff, a type of precaution. Something that would prevent power to fall in the wrong hands, just like it happened back at the old Headquarters, courtesy of Rouvelier.

But there was also one major reason behind the fact why Marian wanted to become the leader. He was nothing like the Hitler-dude, nor did he want to become someone like the tyrant. Much to Allen's satisfaction, the general wished for this 'third front' to become something akin to a _home_. A home for those who needed it, a place where they could feel safe and _happy_, away from Central's one-sided ideas and prohibitions.

It went along with one major rule - a rule not all of the Exorcists might be content with at first. There were always advantages and disadvantages when it came to those, and as much as the white-haired boy could side with either point of view in regards to the matter - this single rule might have been the key to make him feel as if he really belonged here for what he was.

"There's one major difference in the Order's way of doing things and my way of doing things, and I want you to be aware of this."

Everyone listened to Cross as he spoke, not a single person daring to interrupt him.

"Whether you have some kind of special power or not, whether you're a Finder, an Exorcist, an Akuma or a Noah - I don't give a damn _who_ or _what_ you are. As long as you have the willpower and willingness to fight the Earl, everything's fine - you're welcome here."

The words stirred a flood of whispers throughout the room. And Allen couldn't help but wonder... was this his Master's way of making everyone accustomed to the fact that... they had a Noah with them in the party as well now? Of course, beside Kanda, Lavi and Lenalee, none of his companions were probably even aware of the fact yet.

How could he even forget such a thing?

"If anyone's against having a Noah in the party, then he's welcome to leave. I won't try to hold you here against your will, of course." Cross assured. "Just let me tell you that this is the main reason why I went against Central. Those imbeciles aren't even aware of how the relationship between the Noah and the Earl works."

The whispers turned louder and louder with each passing sentence that left the red-headed general's lips.

"You hold them for enemies just because the higher-ups never let you think otherwise. I have reasons to believe that the Noah can become one of our greatest assets in this war, if only we can make them cooperate."

If there was previously a flood of whispers, then now it was a bloody commotion. And Allen, too, was confused from his master's words. What was he saying? Was he out of his mind for suggesting them such things in the open? Did he mean all the Noah?

...Or was there really something they weren't aware of, after all, just like the general claimed?

_'There's another side to this war. Don't die before it's over this time.'_

The words echoed in his mind over and over again. Suddenly, his heartbeat increased and something twirled inside of his stomach, the feeling of realization hitting him hard.

His Master had meant the Noah.

The Noah were the third front he was talking about all along.

"Master."

The word left him before Allen even stopped to think about it, the whole room suddenly going still and quiet. He had no idea when he even stood up, but there he was, everyone's attention turned to him and waiting.

"Master," The boy repeated, his voice firm, his gaze intense and confident. "What is your relationship with the Fourteenth? ...Or with all the Noah, actually?"

Marian didn't seem to be that taken aback by the sudden questions.

"I trust the Fourteenth. And I believe he can help us win this war."

The white-haired boy couldn't recall seeing his Master more honest than he was now.

Allen wanted to trust the Fourteenth as well. But, given the circumstances, he simply couldn't do that. Not after what he did - both to him and to Kanda. But maybe he could trust Cross instead. He wanted to believe in this plan with everything he got.

The boy moved from his spot, advancing towards his Master, then turned in everyone else's direction with a weird glimmer of determination in his eyes. "There's something that I need to tell you all."

The room waited in silence, Marian had apparently no intention of stopping him, and somewhere at the corner of his vision, Allen could notice Kanda narrowing his eyes in slight worry. But he needed to get this out of his system, and now was a good time as any.

"There's… a Noah inside of me." The gasps coming from the people that didn't know of this yet weren't really surprising. "This is the precise reason why I left the Order on my own. And this is probably the reason why my Master told you what he did."

The white-haired boy turned in Marian's direction, watching as the other man took another drag of his already ending cigarette in stoic calmness.

"But let me promise you this." Allen went on. "No matter what happens, I won't let him hurt any of you. In case it turned out that he would pose a threat - I will be the one to leave this place. I want you to feel safe here."

"I'm signing my name under that promise as well." Marian suddenly exclaimed, startling the boy a bit. "And Allen," the general went on, something suddenly changing in his eyes. "There's also a role I'd like you to take up in this group."

Allen blinked at his Master in both confusion and anticipation.

"I want you to be our tactician."

A moment of intense silence passed before the white-haired boy got over his shock and comprehended what the red-head actually meant by that. And somehow, the young Exorcist just had to ask the question which was boring itself into his mind mercilessly, and which also worried him beyond comprehension.

"...Do you mean me?" There was a strange note of guilt present in those words. "Or do you mean the Fourteenth, Master? …Because we might have a problem in case it's the latter."

Any further questions and explanations were left unsaid, because suddenly a loud noise echoed throughout the hall.

It was the Mansion's door bell.

"What the-" And assuming from Marian's face expression, he wasn't expecting any guests in the middle of the night, either.

Did Crow managed to follow them here, after all?

"Stay put", Cross threw and advanced in the direction of the entrance, his Innocence already prepared at his side. Allen followed his Master out of reflex, noticing how Kanda did the same, both ready to fight in case of need.

Not five seconds have passed before they were in front of the door, swinging it open, their weapons pointing in the direction of the unknown guest.

"Please wait." It was a girl's voice. "I'm not here to fight."

Road Kamelot stood before them, her hands lifted up in the air. The rest of the people present on the other end of the hall observed them in readiness and concentration.

Cross raised an eyebrow, acknowledging the girl's figure, but he still wasn't convinced to put his weapon down.

The Noah didn't look the same as he remembered her. Her dress was different, now a solid white with pointy edges, together with some dark stockings and long gloves - both with countless, large holes. Not really his taste when it came to garments, but he had to give the girl credit that she did look a whole deal older than she did previously.

While Allen's confused "Road?" wasn't really surprising to hear, Cross made a mental note that Kanda's ability to greet people went way below the edge.

"What the fuck do you want?"

Yes, that definitely needed some work.

"I need to admit that you're pretty brave for coming here on your own like this." Cross admitted, Kamelot's gaze locking with his. "So, what brings you here, miss?"

Road kept silent for a short moment, then turned in Allen's direction, careful not to change her stance. "You can do with me what you want, I don't care. But I need to have a word with Nea."

"Nea?" Allen asked, confused.

The dark-skinned girl blinked at him, slightly surprised. "Oh? He hasn't told you his name yet?" Walker's eyes widened like two silver coins. "Yes, I mean the Noah inside of you, Allen."

"And your business is?" Kanda hissed, almost sounding defensive.

The white-haired boy gestured for the Japanese to calm down, suddenly lowering his left hand.

"I'm afraid... that's not possible." His voice sounded apologetic. And before Road got to ask any further. "He kind of... disappeared. Though I'm not sure how or why."

"Disappeared?" The girl repeated, unable to hide her bewilderment. "As in gone? Nea's... gone?"

Well, both Road and Cross were kind of out of it. He didn't get a chance to explain this to his Master yet, considering he got kind of interrupted in his attempt.

But truth to be told, Allen silently wondered whether Kamelot would be able tell him something about the Fourteenth's disappearance. It was kind of worrying to figure out she had no clue about this, just like he himself hadn't.

"That's weird." The female Noah seemed thoughtful. "Well, whatever happened to him, he'll come back eventually. That I'm sure of."

Well, at least Road could tell him this much.

"But this is interesting." The girl seemed to get lost in thought. "No, actually... if that's the case, then that even makes things better for us at the moment."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Allen, I need to talk to you." A chill ran down the boy's spine from the intense gaze that he's suddenly received. "In private."

"You wish-"

"Kanda, wait!" Walker acted even before the Japanese moved, already aware what the man's reaction would be. Thankfully, the dark-haired man let himself be stopped in his attempt at attacking the enemy.

"What?" Kanda hissed, staring bloody murder at the younger Exorcist, as he tried yanking his sword from the other's tight grip. "You don't think I'll leave you alone with the Noah of Dreams in one room just because you're stupid enough to fall for-!"

"Kanda." Allen's voice was surprisingly firm, the conviction even making the Japanese go still. "I'm glad that you're worried about me, but please, let me do this."

"What the f-" He probably hesitated for a second too long, because next thing he knew, Walker was already looking back in the Noah's direction.

"Road?" The white-haired got the girl's attention, his voice genuine. "I trust you. Okay?"

"This is fucking brilliant." They could all hear Kanda curse under his breath, as he sheathed Mugen, advancing back inside the mansion with a killer's aura surrounding him. "Just don't go running back to me when that bitch eats your brain."

Even Allen went slightly dumbfounded at that comment. "Uh... don't mind him. He's always like that."

"Hmm." Road smiled to that, a weird kind of glimmer in her eyes. "I kind of noticed."

"Okay, I don't mean to ruin the party or anything." Cross interrupted the two, finally letting his guard down as well. "And I can't say that I'm content with the way you're trying to do things right now, Allen." The general threw his disciple a suggestive look. "But I'll let it slip this once and let you kids settle this on your own. Just don't put the house on fire."

Allen nodded to that, content. Then, turned back to Road.

"You can lower your hands now."

And so, the girl did, giving the boy before her a genuine smile.

"Come inside." The white-haired gestured, showing that it was okay. And the moment he moved, taking a step in the direction of the hall-

"Allen."

He turned around to look back at the female Noah, her smile even wider than before.

"Thank you."

* * *

**Nayru's Note: Tu-dum-dum-dum. And the plot thickens (NOT). **

**First of all, sorry for taking so long to update.**** College literally killed me this semester. Beside that I had some serious problems with plotting everything out for this chapter so that it would actually WORK - so yeah. **

**I'm aware that you're probably disappointed from the lack of Yullen in this chapter (I am, too). But be assured, for there will be lots next time. **

**Till we meet again! C:**


	22. Kanda's decision

**Warnings: Lots of angst, suspense, blood, violence, bad language (as usual), a bit of crack (omg) and plot revelations that might make you go **_**squee**_**. Yes, this chapter might be even more plot-revealing than the last one. Enjoy!**

**

* * *

**

**~Gone Forever~  
Chapter 22: Kanda's decision**

* * *

When Allen entered the kitchen together with Road (since that was the place where they decided to have their conversation), something immediately caught his attention. Since the lights were on, and it was dark outside, he could see his reflection in the windows of the room clearly.

But it wasn't _his_ reflection that he found so surprising.

The Fourteenth was there again.

What confused Allen, though, was the fact that the other's reflection wasn't as clear as he remembered it being. It was the shadow, the faint outlines of that creepy-looking figure, which he witnessed for the first time in the Musician's Room, back at the Ark. It was looming behind him, smiling at him with that croissant-shaped mouth.

The white-haired boy had to wonder, was the shadow there the whole time, even when he was in the bathroom's hospital together with Kanda, only that he failed to notice it in the darkened room? Or did the Fourteenth appear again just now?

Why did he disappear in the first place–?

"All-en!~" It was Road's cheerful voice that tore him out of his thoughts, followed by a weight clinging to his shoulder.

"R-Road?" Even though it wasn't the first time the girl threw herself at him, it still caught him a bit off-guard.

"You seemed lost in thought." The female Noah spoke, her smile fading. "Are you really that convinced I have no ill intentions towards you?" The question came with a deadpan. "…You shouldn't let your guard down in front of your enemies, Allen."

Surprisingly, the white-haired boy didn't even budge. "Well, are you after my brain, just like Kanda claimed?" He asked almost jokingly.

Road couldn't help but chuckle to that.

And without any further comments, she let the other go, then took a step forward, so that she was facing Allen with her back, her hands tangled together behind her.

"To make things easier," she started, her voice confident, "I overheard your whole conversation earlier."

The young Exorcist seemed startled, although he knew he should have seen something like this coming from miles away. "The one when Master–?"

"Yes." The girl's voice was firm. "Part of it was actually the reason I decided to come and talk with you in the first place." Road's voice turned confusedly serious as she went on. "What I'm about to tell you, and what I'm about to do, will probably cost me my life someday, but I made my decision – and I'm not planning to turn back anymore."

"Road…?" Now Allen couldn't help but feel worried, the promise of something heavy about to fall on his shoulders making him nervous.

"The Noah and the Earl, we all were like a family." She started. "He gave us a place we could belong to. He gave us a home. Because of that kindness, we wanted to repay him in any way we could. So we did. But whether we obeyed his orders or not, it all depended on us. We weren't forced to do anything."

After that, Road stopped for a moment, turning back in Allen's direction. And looking him straight in the eyes, she gave him a sad smile.

"At least that's what we thought all along. Somehow it never occurred to us what would happen once we disagreed with the Earl, because neither of us ever found the need to."

The boy furrowed his eyebrows, his fists clenching the tiniest bit. He could notice the strain and hurt in Road's voice as she said it. He knew where this conversation was going by now. And the fact that the female Noah was telling him this–

"Nea was the first who had the guts to stand against the Earl. Do you know what he did?" The question was rhetorical; Allen just waited for Road to continue. "He refused to kill someone who The Earl ordered him to kill. He refused to kill a person who was very dear to him. …You knew that person, Allen."

The boy averted his gaze to the ground. Somehow, it was hard to imagine that a person like the Fourteenth could have done something like that. That Nea had someone he cared so much for that he could go against the world in order to keep that person safe. After what the boy had the opportunity to experience while being involved with the Noah… It was really hard to believe.

But Allen knew all too well who that person was.

"…Mana."

The tan-skinned girl nodded. "That decision had cost him his own life, as you may already know. But for a Noah, that wouldn't really be that heavy of a price to pay. We are what you could call immortal – we can't exactly die, since we reincarnate sooner or later in different hosts. We may posses different bodies, but our souls stay the same."

That made Allen look at the Fourteenth's reflection in the window glass, before his gaze traveled back to Road again, their gazes locking.

"Because of what Nea has done, he's going to be threatened by the Earl for all eternity – up to the point till he finally decides to come back and swear loyalty to him again. If he doesn't… Well…" The girl suddenly trailed off, her face softening. "Because of Nea, I understood… I realized that we are nothing more than the Earl's tools, that it's our job to obey him, and that disagreement or betrayal means something far worse than death."

Suddenly, the female Noah moved from her spot and advanced towards Allen, stopping right before him. Then, she lifted her right hand before her, with her palm directed upwards, and waited, staring at the boy intently.

Did Road want him to take her hand?

A bit confused, the white-haired placed his own limb in the girl's hesitantly. The girl squeezed his palm tightly, holding their hands before them.

"Allen…" She started, her voice firm, though Allen could swear there was also a note of something else in it. "The Earl ordered us to kill you."

The boy's eyes widened, the hand in the Noah's grasp suddenly going stiff despite himself.

How the hell was he supposed to react to _that_? What was he even supposed to expect–

In return, the girl squeezed his hand even tighter.

"But I won't. And nor will Tyki." Road assured, as honestly as she could. "The other Noah are still too stupid and blind to see what will-less dolls they have become, wanting to hunt down Nea for what he has done just because The Earl has ordered them to… But me and Tyki, we won't do you any harm. We're fed up with this. We don't want to follow the Earl anymore."

Allen tried to relax at that, though… Everything that the Noah before him explained so far sounded so… surreal. Then again, if what Road was telling him was really true, it actually made sense.

The fact that Road declined her order meant that Allen could at least trust her, couldn't he? But–

He didn't expect this. The Noah were actually victims in this whole war. Maybe even bigger victims than the Exorcist themselves.

_Wait–_

"You and Tyki? Wait, but– If the Earl finds out about this–"

"I'll be careful and pray that won't happen." The girl cut him off. "But yes, if he _does_ find out, I'll probably join Nea's fate."

"Road, but you–"

"There's also another reason I wanted to come here and talk with you." The girl went on, releasing Allen's hand as if nothing. Seconds later, she was sitting on one of the kitchen's tables, swinging her legs occasionally, her gaze set on her knees. "You already know that Nea wants to kill the Earl, right?"

The white-haired watched her for a moment, not sure what to think from the sudden change of topic. "…I figured as much."

"I believe he can do it. Or rather, you both can do it. You see, the Earl is wary of Nea for a reason. Every Noah has a special ability, as you already know – for instance Tyki's ability to pass through things on will, or Lulubell's ability to change form. Nea is the Noah of Creation, and thus, he can create something from nothing. This ability is… it could be limitless. We're not even sure in what directions it can expand. And what makes it so special and fearsome for the Earl…"

Road paused for a moment, falling backwards to the surface of the table. And she kept laying there as her gaze became glued to the ceiling, her legs still hanging at the edge. For whatever reason, she suddenly smiled to herself.

"Nea is even capable of learning new abilities. Way back, when we were still under good terms, I tried teaching him one of mine…"

And as if to amplify what she was about to say, she closed her eyes, her face relaxing.

"…I have no idea if he used it on you or not, but he's able to manipulate people's dreams when they sleep."

_**Road…**_

Allen almost jumped away in shock when the girl before him opened her eyes and sat up as if she were struck by some kind of lightning. The boy really had no idea what was going on, seeing Road suddenly breathing in heavy gasps, her eyes wide. She seemed as if something's just scared her shitless.

"Road? …Are you okay?"

Concerned, Allen approached the female Noah and caught her by the shoulder.

She was shaking.

"…Road?" Allen tried again, trying his best to be soothing.

The girl brought one of her hands to her face, wiping away the cold sweat that appeared on her forehead. She smiled, though Allen could tell she didn't calm down entirely just yet. "Sorry. I'm fine. It's nothing…"

What was it that gave Road such a scare? Did The Earl try to communicate with her just now or something? Or…?

"And here I was, wondering why you weren't scared of me…" The eldest Noah tried to chuckle, but there was no real amusement in her voice. "When I'm the one doing in my pants in front of Nea here."

Allen stared at her intently for a moment, before finally letting her go. "…You're scared of the Fourteenth, Road?"

The girl averted her gaze to the side, the question making her uncomfortable. "…I have a reason to be wary of him." A sigh left her lips. "…Nea knows my true form. He could kill me without even trying."

This startled the white-haired yet again. "Wait, but if you want to go against the Earl as well, doesn't that make you allies? Why would he want to… kill you?"

As if to calm Allen down, Road suddenly took his face in her hands, staring him in the eyes intently. "That's the whole problem – I don't know. I have no idea what really goes on in that head of his." She explained. "What I do know, though… Is the fact that there's something he wants from me. And before he manages to get it, he shouldn't want to get rid of me… or at least that's what I hope."

"Something he wants from you…?"

"…That's why I wanted to ask for your help, Allen."

"My help?" Allen asked, confused. "…What do you want me to do?"

"There's something more behind Nea's wish to bring the Earl to his demise." Road sounded really convinced about what she was saying. "I want you to find out what Nea's true intentions are. I think that information could prove useful to all of us…"

Okay, so if even the Noah had doubts about the Fourteenth's intentions, there needed to be something behind the whole picture. Now Allen was suspicious of his Master's trust in regards to Nea even more than before.

"In order to do that," the girl continued, bringing the white-haired out of his thoughts, "I'm going to teach you something useful."

"Uh… You teaching me?" Allen couldn't hide his bewilderment. "As in… a Noah skill? Is that even possible?"

Road had to smile to that. "Nea can see into your mind, can't he?" The boy only blinked at her in confusion. "Don't you think it's kind of unfair that he always knows what you're doing, but you don't know what he's doing when he takes over your consciousness?"

"You don't mean–"

"Yes, I want to teach you how to read Nea's mind, Allen."

* * *

"How long are they still planning to stay in there? For fuck's sake–"

"Ne, Yuu, calm down…" Lavi tried to assure his Japanese friend that it was okay, that no harm will be done to Allen (hopefully) and that–

"How many fucking times have I told you not to call me that!"

–well, some things just never changed.

"Guys, it's five in the morning, please, try to keep it down." Lenalee complained, yawning. "We're all worried, but some people already fell asleep here, you know?" She looked to the side, acknowledging some of the other Exorcists that were already in horizontal positions on the sofas – or even on the floor – gathered around them. "It's been a busy day and we're all tired–"

"Shut up."

The female Exorcist frowned to that. "You're even more grumpy than usual today, I swear."

But then again, she knew the reason behind Kanda's current bad mood, and it kind of made her want to smile. He really was worried about Allen, wasn't he?

"Okay, this is really starting to get boring."

It was Cross' voice that interrupted them. The red-headed general suddenly approached the group of friends and threw something on the table in the center.

It didn't take long for either of them to figure out what it was.

"Let us kill some time with a round of poker, shall we?"

"You shouldn't teach them such inappropriate things, Master."

The familiar voice caught everyone's attention, making them turn in the direction of the sound's source.

Allen had just left the kitchen, closing the door behind him.

Everything would have been fine if he didn't look as if he hadn't slept for a week straight.

"Allen-kun, are you all right?" It was Lenalee who approached him first, giving the boy before her a worried look. "…Where's Road?"

"She already left." The white-haired answered immediately, though his voice was silent. "…Here."

None of them expected to see Timcanpy fly from somewhere behind Allen, flapping its wings in the air, before it settled itself on the table, right next to the deck of cards which were left there by Cross mere seconds ago.

Then, without even a word, Allen advanced towards one of the sofas. "I need a nap or I'm going to fall asleep while standing any second…"

"Oi, Walker, what the hell–" Kanda was the one to complain. The brat wasn't planning to just fall asleep on them now without giving them any kind of explanation after spending an hour in one room with a Noah, was he?

"Tim recorded our conversation…" Allen mumbled under his nose, looking already half-asleep as he sat on the couch. "…Watch it."

* * *

"…_You don't want to?"_

_Allen looked at Road, her question bringing him out of his thoughts yet again. "No, it's not that. Just… Are you positive this is something just anyone can learn?" _

_Somehow, he always took for granted that the ability of the Fourteenth being able to read his mind was tied to the fact that he was a Noah, and the fact that he was bound to become his vessel. _

_Who would have known that this ability was also something that Road had taught him? _

"_How long can this take?"_

"_It can even take up to a few days." The girl replied honestly. "But–" All of a sudden, Road smiled at him, something dangerous in her eyes. "Practically, we can do it in a few minutes."_

"_Huh?" Now this got Allen confused._

"_I've never used this skill on you before, so you might not know…" She started, vaguely recalling her encounter with Lavi on the old Ark. "But you'll need to trust me on this one again, okay?"_

_Well, what other choice did he have?_

"_Look me in the eyes."_

Lenalee gasped when Allen suddenly fell forward like a lifeless corpse, though Road managed to catch him before his knees collided with the floor. Everyone just stared at the recording in silence, watching how the two figures stayed motionless for a couple of good minutes.

"Hey, she did the same to me." Lavi was the one to suddenly break the silence. "Lenalee, you should remember it. Back at the Ark, yeah? When we were fighting Road and Tyki?"

The female Exorcist looked at the Bookman apprentice with worry in her eyes. "You mean… when she manipulated you to…" She didn't finish her sentence, not even wanting to remember those horrible things that happened right before her eyes when she was trapped like a helpless mouse in a glass box.

Lavi noticed her discomfort, so he decided to end the topic as fast as possible. "Road can bring anyone into her world through eyesight alone. It's… a different dimension of sorts, one which exists only in your mind." The red-head explained. "Looking at what Road said, time must flow differently there. She must have dragged Allen in there in order to teach him that skill she was talking about."

Despite himself, Kanda turned to look at the sleeping figure of Walker who lay not so far away from him.

"_Well, it's not easy. You did your best." _

The familiar voice made the Exorcists look back at the projection again.

"…_Sorry for forcing you to do this in such a state."_

_The person before her didn't move._

"_Hey, Allen… you okay?" Road asked with slight concern, looking at the boy she still held curiously. _

"_Yeah, just… tired." Allen assured her, finally getting to his feet on his own. And when he got up, his legs gave up on him the tiniest bit, making him sway to the side. He caught his head, giving the impression as if he were dizzy._

_The female Noah took a step backward, crossing her hands behind her again. "You're still tired from yesterday, aren't you? I'm really sorry…"_

"_No, it's okay." The boy smiled at her, though she could tell the gesture was forced. "…Truth to be told, I'm curious what's going on in Nea's head as well."_

_Road smiled to that in return. "Okay. I think I'll have my leave, then." The girl exclaimed. "Oh, and…" She suddenly turned to the side, extending her hand in the air. "You can come out now."_

"_Huh?" Intrigued, Allen followed the Noah's hand with his gaze, suddenly noticing a golden ball with wings sitting neatly on top of one of the shelves which were hung on the wall._

"_Your Master's too predictable sometimes." Caught red-handed, Timcanpy flew into the air, flapping its wings in panic._

"_Wait, you knew Tim was here all along?" The white-haired asked, startled._

"_It's not like I had anything to hide." Road smiled when the small golem flew closer to them. "Besides, this will make things easier for you and your friends."_

_That said, the girl took a few steps away from the boy._

"_Rest well, Allen." As if out of nowhere, suddenly a bizarre-shaped pair of doors appeared right beside her. "I'll visit you again when I find the opportunity."_

_The boy nodded. "Okay. You too – take care."_

"_And if I…" Before entering the passage, the female Noah stopped for one more short moment, looking back in Allen's direction. "If I don't manage to come and see you again, after all…" She hesitated. "Can I have a request?"_

_The young Exorcist blinked at her, wishing worst wouldn't come to worst. "What is it?"_

"_I know you aren't under the best of terms after what happened during the whole war, but…" Road trailed off, her voice softening. "If I get killed, please… save Tyki."_

_The white-haired frowned, looking to the side._

_It was true that Tyki did things some of them could never forgive him for. He killed many of the Exorcists, hell, he even tried killing Allen himself, and almost managed at that. But now that the boy thought about it, Mikk was just following orders given by the Earl… wasn't he? The boy wasn't really the one to hold grudges. When he looked at it that way…_

_But what was Road actually expecting him to do?_

"_I'm not sure if I'll be able to convince my friends of this." Oh hell, he could already imagine Kanda going all bloody murder at him… "But when it comes to me… Alright. I'll do everything I can to help him. I can promise you as much."_

"_Thank you, Allen…" All of a sudden, Road looked as if she were to burst out in tears any second now. "Tyki is a very nice person deep inside, you know? I'm sure you'll get along just fine if you get to know each other a bit better."_

And with that, the projection was finished. Silence fell upon the room.

"…What the fuck?" Kanda was the first to break the spell in his usual manner. Okay, so what he saw in the recording answered a few of his questions – the thing with the dream manipulation being number one – but–

"…Tyki?" Both Lavi and Lenalee asked at the same time.

"Hmm… This is interesting." Cross spoke under his nose, looking lost in thought.

"Interesting?" The Japanese man asked as if he couldn't believe this. "You're not right in the head. This whole situation is fucked up."

"Kanda, please, mind you manners." Lenalee lectured.

"You're seriously starting to piss me off–"

"Whoa, whoa! Time, time!" Lavi yelled, trying to calm the two down.

Was it just him or did Kanda seriously have an ever bigger stick up his ass lately? What the hell was up with him?

"We need to approach this carefully, yes?" The Bookman apprentice went on. "I must admit, I didn't expect Road to overflow us with such crucial information…" He trailed off, getting lost in thought. "There needs to be some kind of catch in all of this."

"Yeah, all she said is really hard to believe…" Lenalee seemed thoughtful as well. "What's more… Allen seems to trust her a real lot…"

"Because he's a naïve idiot." Kanda exclaimed without a moment of hesitation, sounding far from amused – and it wasn't really surprising for anyone. "A few sweet words and he'll believe fucking _anyone_. I swear, if he brings Mikk in here, I'll–"

"Yes, yes, we get the picture, Yuu–" Lavi deadpanned, before he noticed that the Japanese stood up, reaching for his sword. Sudden panic assaulted him. "I'm sorry– I'm sorry– I'm sorry–!"

"What I'm more worried about…" Lenalee's sad voice made both of them stop. "What could have happened in Road's world with Allen? Surely, it didn't end with just her teaching him that skill…" The female Exorcist turned to look both at Lavi and Kanda, uncertainty in her eyes. "Seeing as they didn't talk much after Allen returned, they needed to have continued their conversation there."

This, indeed, did intrigue Kanda more than he wanted to let on. Lenalee had a point. A big fucking point, and he didn't like it. For all he knew, Kamelot and Walker – hell, maybe even Kamelot and the Fourteenth – could have plotted something behind their backs and they wouldn't even know of it.

"That's true." Lavi admitted. "But what more can we do beside asking Allen directly about it?"

Everyone's gazes turned to the sleeping boy in question.

"If Road told him something important, I'm sure he'll tell us about it tomorrow."

Lenalee yawned at that, noticing just now how sleepy she actually was. "_Today_, you mean..." She corrected her friend, looking in the direction of the windows. It was already starting to get bright outside. "I think we all should go get some decent rest for now."

* * *

When Allen opened his eyes, he found himself in an unfamiliar room.

A small, but neatly decorated and tidy room with two separate beds, two wardrobes and a little table with a chair. The wide window on the opposite wall of the entrance was hidden behind a thick curtain, hindering rays of the sun to get inside entirely.

Was this his and Kanda's shared room? Though he couldn't remember getting here on his own...

"Third room on the right…" He mumbled under his nose as he took a step outside. And once he was at the corridor, he got convinced that it was indeed the room he was thinking about.

He wondered where Kanda was.

* * *

"Uh…" That Allen was bewildered when he entered the kitchen would have been an understatement.

"Oh, Allen-kun, you're awake!" Lenalee chirped at him, though that wasn't what had caught the boy that off-guard. "Please, have a seat! It may not be what Jerry used to cook but– _Waah_!"

Allen watched in horror as Miranda dropped something to the ground right next to the Chinese girl, the sound of glass breaking echoing throughout the whole place.

"I'm sorry! I'm a disgrace to all the Exorcists!" The older woman started to yell in misery.

"It's okay, Miranda, don't worry about– _Waah_!"

"_I'm so sorry!_"

"Uh…"

Dear Lord, Lou Fa was also there…

"Hey, Allen!"

Thank God, Lavi was there to save him…

The white-haired boy went further into the kitchen, acknowledging his red-headed friend, Marie and Krory sitting by the tables. He joined the Bookman apprentice.

"Check this out, the girls decided to cook for us!" Lavi chirped as if the best thing in the world was about to happen to him.

"That's… nice." Though Allen wasn't sure if he shared his friend's enthusiasm. Rather quite the opposite. What happened there at the other side of the kitchen seemed… dangerous.

But then again, the boy was so hungry, he was about to eat literally _anything_ that would be served to him. He felt as if he hadn't eaten in ages. When _was_ the last time he's eaten anything, anyway?

"…Do you know where Kanda is?" Allen didn't even think before he asked, figuring that some kind of conversation would make the wait for the food less painful.

"Oh? Do you miss him so much already?" Lavi asked in a playful manner, poking the boy with his elbow as if to imply something.

But to the red-head's surprise, this seemed to have a completely different effect on his friend than what he expected to evoke.

Where was the blush? Why did Allen seem… pissed all of a sudden?

"Don't be stupid." The younger Exorcist just threw at him, looking to the side. "There's just…" And as he trailed off, the Bookman apprentice didn't fail to catch the slight waver of uncertainty in the other's eyes. "…There's something I need to talk to him about."

Lavi blinked at his friend, the seriousness of the situation sinking into him as well. "You didn't… cheat on him with Road… did you?"

Now the question seemed to have led Allen totally out of track as he turned to look back at Lavi with eyes so wide, they threatened to fall out of their sockets. "…What?"

For whatever reason, the red-head almost found it kind of cute. "Just joking, just joking! Haha…"

When the white-haired calmed down, he raised an eyebrow to that. But then, he looked away again, the seriousness back tenfold. "Hn. Maybe I should have."

The red-head was even more dumfounded than before. Did his always-innocent and bashful friend… seriously say that just now? "…Allen?" The name made the other look at him. "You know what… You seem… kind of different." Lavi observed.

"Different?"

"Yeah, like… I can't quite put my finger on it, but…" The red-head tried to find the right words. "Something's changed in you." _You almost seem kind of… more mature._

Somehow, Lavi got really worried about Allen's trip to Road's dream world.

But it wasn't really surprising to see the boy shake it off, putting a smile on his face as if nothing had happened.

"It must be your imagination."

* * *

He knew Lavi would start to ask him questions any minute now. Or maybe he was waiting for Lenalee to join them, and then he'd do it. They still didn't get to talk about anything in regards to Road's visit, after all.

Well, he couldn't blame them. They _had_ a lot to talk about.

Though Allen didn't get it. If the Fourteenth really was on their side, just like his Master and Road have claimed… why was he doing this to him and Kanda? Why was he being such a manipulative bastard, such a jerk, such a goddamn liar all along?

Just what was Nea really planning…?

_"Say… Kanda." The white-haired spoke in a calm tone, almost a whisper, getting closer and closer. The Japanese's frown grew as the boy snaked his arms around his waist, pressing a cheek to his chest. "What do you really think about me?"_

Allen suddenly jumped in his seat, fisting a hand in his hair in horror.

What the hell… was that? What was–

Was this what Road had meant when she said that he could keep on recalling bits of memories at random moments? Was that the Fourteenth's–?

"Allen?"

"Allen-kun, is something wrong?"

He looked at his friends; both seemed worried sick. Hell, who was he to blame them, when–

_Oh, shit… No, not this again…_

The boy mustered up the strength to smile as naturally as he could, trying his best not to freak out here and now.

"Sorry guys, I just remembered something I needed to do. I'll be back later… okay?" And with that he took off, leaving the kitchen as fast as he could.

"…Something's seriously up." Lavi commented, concerned. "Should we go follow him?"

As if on call, Kanda suddenly appeared at the opposite entrance of the kitchen. And the red-head didn't need to think twice.

"Hey, Yuu… Allen just took off without a word." He told the Japanese, who turned to look at him immediately. "…Something happen between you?"

Surprisingly, even the dark-haired seemed concerned. "What the hell?"

But to both Lavi's and Lenalee's satisfaction, Kanda went after him.

* * *

Well, it wasn't that hard to find Walker, considering Kanda could see him the moment he left the kitchen. Though what was the brat doing half-way on the flight of stairs leaning against the wall with his shoulder was beyond him.

"Moyashi?"

"What?" It was almost a hiss, as if Allen wanted to ask what the other's problem was. "You're not going to call me by my surname anymore?" When the boy turned to look at him, the Japanese could notice the pain in the younger boy's eyes. He was breathing heavily while clenching his right limb tightly.

Just then did Kanda notice the blood dripping onto the rug underneath him.

"Walker, you–" Eyes going wide in shock, Kanda reached for him, when–

A chuckle reached his ears.

"I get it now…"Allen said between pants as he slid down to the floor. "I get it now…"

It only confused Kanda all the more.

"I know why the Fourteenth disappeared…" Through all the pain, the boy smiled to himself, looking at the Japanese through hazy eyes.

The dark-haired was torn between listening to him and getting him to a bathroom as fast as possible. He was already making a bloody mess here. Which should have been the least of his worries now, really, but–

"The Fourteenth disappeared… because the stigmatas disappeared." The white-haired went on, clenching his wound even tighter. "And the stigmatas disappeared… because of your blood, Kanda."

The older man stilled like a rock. "What?" Soon, realization was hitting him hard. "You… You can't be serious–"

"Yes, the stigmatas healed because of your powers–" Allen hissed in pain. "You tried to heal my throat back then, but you also healed _these_–" He flinched again, looking at the cross-shaped wound that was getting wider and wider on his palm. "–along with it. And now that your powers have faded…"

Walker _was_ serious. Damn it all to hell, why didn't he think of this before? "Then all of this is my fault–"

"I wouldn't be here if you hadn't done that, remember…" The boy forced himself to smile.

"But– Shit." …Why the hell was he panicking, anyway? He needed to calm down. And bring Walker into a fucking bathroom– "Wait." Kanda stilled yet again as another realization hit him. He stayed motionless for a moment before turning to look at the younger male…

Allen failed to read the expression on the other's face.

"We could…"

And during that single moment, the white-haired understood what Kanda had in mind, no words needed.

"No!" The younger Exorcist yelled, eyes wide. "N-No… I don't want that." He calmed down a bit when he was convinced the other wouldn't do anything stupid. "If you do that now, the stigmatas will heal, but they'll come back again after a while. I don't want that…" Allen's gaze fell to the ground. "I don't want to go through this again…"

When Kanda kept staring at him in uncertainty, he smiled and added:

"Besides… didn't you tell me you wouldn't be so kind-hearted to share your life energy with me again?"

* * *

While bursting into the bathroom upstairs together with Moyashi in his arms, the Japanese had a serious case of déjà vu. But this was no time for unnecessary reminisces. They needed towels. And if possible–

"Kanda… what do you think about the Fourteenth?" The other breathed against his neck. "Do you… prefer him… over me?"

Oh, yeah, a brilliant moment to ask such things, really, Walker– "Don't even try comparing yourself to that son of a bitch."

This seemed to have shut Allen up. But then again, the taller Exorcist should have known better.

"Kanda… can I trust you?"

What did this kid come up with now? Was he even aware of what he was muttering or was he simply being delirious? "What?"

"Tell me… can I trust you?"

The older man had no idea why Walker was asking him this all of a sudden, but somehow he remembered yesterday's conversation with Road and it immediately made his blood boil. "And what? If I say 'yes', you'll believe me, just like that–?"

Allen was seriously fed up with this shit.

The Japanese's eyes widened in horror as he saw the boy before him falling to his knees, coughing as if he's just gotten a tuberculosis attack, desperately clenching his chest. Not a few seconds have passed before there was a pool of blood underneath them, the white-haired boy unable to catch a single breath properly.

All of a sudden the stigmatas became the least of his worries.

"Walker, what the hell just–?"

"–You _idi__**ot**__!_"

Even the unexpected yell caught Kanda off-guard – why the fuck was the kid's voice tangled with someone else's? – but he held onto the hand that was clenching his so tightly by now, the blood circulation in his fingers got cut off.

"D**o**n't… _**do**__ th__**at**_! **You**'ll– _**lose**_ your**self**!"

Another cough followed by a streak of crimson liquid pouring onto the already red ground made the dark-haired start to seriously freak out. He had no idea what was going on anymore– What was happening with Walker all of a sudden–?

Something snapped inside of Kanda when the boy turned to look at him with a pained expression on his face.

But it wasn't because of the pain, no.

–The brat's eyes were gold.

Suddenly, it was as if all reason had gone for a walk and the Japanese had to fight with the sudden urge of shoving the bastard before him to the ground and simply _strangling_ him. He forced himself to listen to the silent voice which echoed at the back of his head that no matter who the person before him was… this was still Walker's body.

He had to be content with just pulling the Noah to his feet and ramming him against the wall, keeping him firmly in place by clenching at his shirt's collar.

The Fourteenth was seriously out of it, his breathing ragged and heavy, eyes hazed with pain. Just then when Kanda got a proper look at him, he noticed something worrying on the other's skin, in the regions of his neck.

A tan-colored patch was stretched along it, apparently originating from the spot where the Noah was clenching at – being the area of his heart.

"…What the hell happened?" Kanda demanded.

Nea stared at the Japanese but didn't speak, his heavy breathing echoing throughout the bathroom.

"Answer me!"

"…Remember when you– _ugh_… asked me to let Allen handle the pain you inflicted on me…?" The Fourteenth asked, trying his best to get things together. "This is exactly why I didn't want to do it…"

The dark-haired stared at the other, uncertain. Did the Noah mean… that time when they spent the night together?

"Allen just tried to force me out…" Nea went on, trying to suppress the pain. "And we can't swap when we're not concentrated properly…" He explained, his voice raspy. "See what happens when Allen tries to force me out in a state of panic? He doesn't know when he crosses the border like this… Once over the line, one of us could disappear for good–" A cough cut him off. "And as much as I'd like Allen to force me out for good… this body would… have a small problem in handling it–"

More coughing interrupted the Noah and Kanda finally let him go, the boy immediately falling to his knees, pressing a hand to the floor, the other still clenching at his chest.

"Tyki… I'll kill you for this one day…"

Mustering up the strength, the Fourteenth closed his eyes and tried to concentrate. And bit by bit – also to Kanda's satisfaction – the dark stain on his skin started to withdraw, slowly, slowly, before it was finally nowhere to be seen again.

The boy inhaled, trying to catch his breath after the task was done.

"Bring Walker back."

The Fourteenth looked up at Kanda, a frown on his face.

"Bring him back or I'll make you." The Japanese hissed, not taking 'no' for an answer.

"Make me?" The other snorted, almost sounding amused.

"Those stigmatas are a piece of cake to heal." The dark-haired exclaimed as if it were nothing, and he didn't fail to catch the millisecond in which a bolt of uncertainty – or was it fear? – flashed through the brat's eyes.

"Oh?" Though Nea apparently still wanted to play tough, showing the other man that cocky smirk. "What about your life energy?" The question edged with sarcasm. "You want to sacrifice your life for this brat?"

Kanda had to wonder how the Fourteenth knew any of that – and how much he actually knew and how much he _pretended_ to know, for that matter. But then again, if this bastard could influence people's dreams and read Walker's mind, he wouldn't be really surprised if he could do the same with others.

Fucking asshole, invading people's privacy without shame.

"He's not that bad company compared to you."

He wanted to break him.

He wanted to let him taste the despair he's been inflicting on others all along.

He wanted to show him how it felt to be _helpless, unneeded _and_ hated_ – just like Allen had felt because of this fucking bastard – bound to become trapped in a prison with no way out.

Kanda didn't hesitate when he reached for his sword.

He knew Walker would be pissed at him. But he needed to do this. He _wanted_ to do this. If this was the only way to keep this asshole at bay, even if it would cost him his own life one day– It was worth it. It was so fucking worth it.

"You're aware that you're running out of time, already?" Nea warned, anger in his voice. "If you start doing this, you'll kick the bucket even faster–"

"Then go ahead and kill me." The Japanese seemed far from moved. "But as long as I live, this brat will keep on being himself. And you will stay where you fucking belong."

The Fourteenth watched Kanda in silence, startled. But as realization hit him, he was pretty certain what was about to happen next.

A slight smirk made its way to Nea's lips.

"Heh… It seems that I lost, after all."

* * *

**Nayru's Note: And the reason behind the Fourteenth's disappearance got finally revealed. :D**

**I hope you appreciate this because I sacrificed three nights straight in order to bring you an update so soon. xD *goes to sleep, because she needs to wake up in two hours***


	23. Broken Mirrors

**Warnings: Angst, violence, blood, possible OOCness, some**** wicked Kanda/14th action and… are you ready for some Yullen talk?**

* * *

**~Gone Forever~**  
**Chapter 23: Broken Mirrors**

* * *

_"What is Allen to you?" The white-haired asked with morbid curiosity, getting dangerously close again._  
_"…Why the fuck do _you_ care?"_  
_"Do you really hate him as much as you claim to?" A hand was placed on the older man's upper part of the chest and started to slide lower, very slowly. "Because if you do… then maybe the two of us could hook up sometime."_

Allen sat up with a start – breathing ragged and heavy, eyes wide – as if he's just woken up from a nightmare.

"Allen-kun!"

Almost at the same moment, the white-haired Exorcist yelped, instinctively catching his head as a sharp headache assaulted him. An unknown vision of a memory was fresh on his mind, only adding points to his confusion.

Sudden dizziness made the world before his eyes swirl, almost making him fall back to the... sofa he was apparently sitting on, but– Something – no, _someone_– hindered him from doing so. He realized that a pair of hands appeared on his sides, keeping him firmly in place.

A second later, Allen acknowledged Lenalee kneeling in front of the piece of furniture, her face showing signs of worry – which wasn't really that big of a surprise. Lavi was sitting on the other couch just a bit further away. And the supportive person behind him – to both his surprise and relief – was none other than Kanda.

He was in the mansion's main hall surrounded by his friends.

* * *

Kanda wasn't sure what he should make of the Fourteenth admitting defeat all of a sudden, but then again, nor did he want to know what was going on in that messed up head of his. All that mattered was that he had him cornered. Everything else be damned–

"Wait– Stop." The Fourteenth suddenly breathed while still kneeling on the floor, as the Japanese took a step forward. "Don't do it."

Though Kanda seemed unwavered and apparently had no intention of listening to the bastard as he pressed Mugen to his wrist. He's made his mind about this. He very well knew what was needed to be done. This brat _wasn't _stopping him.

"Kanda." The white-haired boy called his name, his voice surprisingly firm and serious. "_Don't_. You can't waste your life energy like this."

"Watch me." The older man was still far from impressed. "And stop acting as if you gave a damn. It's fucking over."

"I just think it's stupid to–"

"I don't care what you think."

"Wouldn't it be wiser to go on an agreement with me?" The Fourteenth kept going on persistently. "Just think about it. You already have me cornered–"

"Making deals with _you_?" Kanda snorted in fake amusement. "No, thank you."

After that, Nea fell silent, and the Japanese wondered if that was the last of his futile attempt at trying to change his mind.

Then again, things with the Fourteenth never went that easy.

"What about Allen?" There was something dangerous in the white-haired boy's eyes all of a sudden. "You think he'll be okay with you sacrificing your life for him? Don't be selfish." The last sentence came with a hiss.

"Even if," Kanda deadpanned, slight anger in his tone. "It's _none_ of your goddamn _business_. Get the _fuck_ out of Walker's life–!"

In that single moment, Mugen was suddenly being kicked out of the Japanese's hands and sent flying a few meters back to the floor, accompanied with loud clinging noises. Kanda immediately cursed himself for being so careless – but that still didn't stop him from taking further action.

Moments later, the Fourteenth was standing at the other end of the bathroom, the sword now in his hands.

The dark-haired didn't really care about that, though. He's taken a different approach.

Kanda could see the uneasiness forming on Nea's face as he quickly closed the door, cutting off the only way out of the small bathroom. After that, he confidently – albeit cautiously – slipped the key into the pocket of his pants.

Seriously though, the dark-haired had to wonder. Wasn't the brat unable to even _move _from all the blood-loss and pain just a few seconds ago? How did he managed to move that swiftly all of a sudden?

Either way, the Fourteenth was fucked. He needed to be careful not to hurt – or more accurately, not to _cut_– the Japanese, since now he knew what Kanda's blood was capable of doing. In all honesty, the dark-haired had no idea how the brat intended to fight him like this.

"You won't win this war without me, Kanda." The Fourteenth exclaimed, the words sounding more like a threat than anything else.

"We'll do just fine without you." The taller man countered, still unimpressed. "Now give that back. You're going to hurt yourself with it."

Surprisingly, the Fourteenth did sheath the sword. But insted of handing it back, he Leanem it against his shoulder, still having the guts to smirk. "Come and get it."

* * *

"How are you feeling?" The female Exorcist was the first to speak, her voice soft.

The boy was slightly startled from the apparent amount of worry in the question. "What... happened?" Still a bit out of it, Allen managed to pull away from Kanda's grip and lean against the backrest of the couch on his own.

It was just then that he realized that a blanket was covering him. And his right hand seemed to be wrapped up in a thick layer of bandage.

_Oh._ Right– The Fourteenth. The stigmatas. Kanda. The bathroom – it all came flowing back to him now.

"You were, uh..." Lavi was the one to speak this time, though he seemed rather confused about what he was actually supposed to say. "Well, you got into a fight with Yuu in the bathroom. And..." The Bookman apprentice scratched his head, looking uneasy. "A mirror came crashing down on you somewhere during the whole thing. Wasn't a pretty sight, yeah? But at least Yuu also had the heart to carry you out of there."

Immediately, Allen looked in the Japanese's direction questioningly, but the other male had his eyes closed and sat there with his hands crossed as if nothing.

"...Kanda?"

It wasn't the problem of not remembering what happened, though. Was his red-headed friend telling the truth? ...Or was that what the Japanese had actually made them believe? Because – as much as he could conclude from his friends' behaviour so far – Kanda apparently kept the fact that the Fourteenth resurfaced a secret.

"Don't force yourself." Lenalee cut the other's train of thought, patting the boy on the shoulder softly. "Give me a minute, I'll get you something to drink."

"Um..." The white-haired only watched as the female Exorcist got to her feet and went ahead with her intention, shortly disappearing by the kitchen's entrance.

Allen's confusion didn't fade the tiniest bit, though. The girl acted way too concerned for him to feel comfortable with it. Did something... bad happen during his absence or something? What's more – for whatever reason – once Lenalee was gone, Lavi's mood seemed to make a one hundred and eighty degree turn, almost as if he was waiting for them to be left alone all along.

"So... what was the fight about this time?" The red-head suddenly asked both of his remaining friends, his voice unnaturally serious. "Because honestly, Yuu, you went over the edge this time."

Allen blinked before his gaze wandered to Kanda yet again, though the other still didn't budge, nor did he give an answer. The silence stretched as the boy waited for some kind of reaction, wondering if he should say anything himself. Though he wasn't sure what.

But then, finally, the Japanese opened his eyes, his frown deepening, and once his gaze jumped to the youngest Exorcist–

"Well, it was mostly my fault." Allen suddenly exclaimed, turning back to Lavi. "I got under Kanda's skin – not like that's anything new," the white-haired pointed out, sounding as if it were no big deal. "We got into a fight and... yeah, the mirror was an accident. No harm done." Right then did the boy turn back in the Japanese's direction, poking him on his side with a finger. "Right, BaKanda?"

Allen was proud of his improvisation abilities sometimes. Though he dearly wondered if Lavi would actually buy any of the bullshit he just came up with – he was a Bookman apprentice after all, and those were hard to deceive, as far as the boy was concerned. And most importantly... would Kanda actually go along with this or not.

The dark-haired man was unwilling to react to anything ever since Allen woke up, and the latter could only wonder what was the reason behind the whole silent treatment. He needed Kanda's cooperation for this, otherwise the boy wouldn't be able to fool the red-head on his own, considering the circumstances.

"There, I said it was an accident." The Japanese grunted, closing his eyes in irritation. Then he caught the youngest Exorcist's hand, holding it still. "Stop poking me, you idiot."

Allen couldn't help but smile, relieved to learn that Kanda was still the good old Kanda after all. He ignored the warm feeling that ignited in his chest as he started poking the Japanese with his other free hand as well.

"Oi–"

Lavi, however, sighed at their behaviour, shaking his head. "...You guys are amazing, really."

"What–"

"So, Allen," The red-head cut Kanda off before the curses managed to even start. "Would you mind telling us about your trip to the dream world with Road?"

The two bickering boys stilled, while the white-haired boy turned in Lavi's direction, blinking.

"Before Lenalee comes back – come on."

Allen wasn't sure why Lavi wanted him to keep anything secret from their female friend, really.

* * *

_"Road..." The young Exorcist brought the Noah's attention to himself again, looking her straight in the eyes. _

_He wondered if he should ask this, since he wasn't sure he even wanted to know the answer, but it was just nagging him at the back of his mind. Well, he had a hunch already, anyway, but_–

_"What is Nea to you?"_

_Because no matter how he looked at it, Road's actions were irrational. The sole fact that she was risking her life in order to simply help them... or to help Allen in particular _–_ it was confusing, to say the least. There needed be some other reason behind all this. And as far as the boy was concerned, feelings could have been good enough of a reason._

_His question was left unanswered, though. But an answer wasn't really needed. The way Road looked at him, giving him a delicate, genuine smile _–_ which in Allen's eyes seemed also a bit melancholic _– _it __told him more than any words ever would._

* * *

"So, basically, you didn't manage to learn that skill which Road wanted to teach you... probably because you were too exhausted to do it." Lavi summed things up. "But because of the sole fact that you tried... you now keep recalling some of the Fourteeth's memories at random moments?"

"Yeah." Allen admitted. "That about sums it up."

"Is that all that happened?" Lavi almost sounded disbelieving.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you know... like..." The white-haired had really no idea what was it that the other was trying to imply. "How long have you been in there, anyway?"

The boy took a moment to think about it. "I'm not sure. A couple of hours. A day, maybe." Then again... "Maybe two."

"Whoa, talk about losing track of time."

"Well, that world of hers is a little bizarre." Allen stated as if it were obvious. "You of all people should know that."

"Yeah... unfortunately." Lavi scratched the back of his head before he turned to look back at his friend again, all business. "...But seriously – nothing else happened?"

"I don't understand what you're trying to get at." The boy was slowly starting to get irritated by the other's questions by now.

"Like... didn't Road try anything with you?" The Bookman apprentice finally got to the point. "Cuz'... you know... she seemed pretty interested in you when she appeared here yesterday."

Allen frowned at that, averting his gaze to the floor.

Why was Lavi asking him such a thing?

"...Allen?" The red-head fished the young Exorcist out of his thoughts, a bit confused by the lack of answer.

"It's not me." The boy finally said, sounding slightly irritated. "I take it has to do with the Fourteenth. There's... probably been something going on between Road and Nea in the past. Though I'm not sure what kind of relationship they actually had."

"So that's the case, huh?" the red-head seemed thoughtful all of a sudden. "Is that why she kissed you back at the Ark?"

"Lavi!" Lenalee was the one to interrupt the pretty much awkward conversation. She was finally back from the kitchen, a pair of mugs present in her hands. The scent of something sweet reached Allen's nostrils almost immediately.

"Huh?" Though Lavi didn't seem to get what the problem was. "Oh, right. Yuu wasn't there when it happened. I forgot."

The dark-haired girl handed one of the mugs to Kanda, which – much to the receiver's satisfaction – was filled with green tea. Allen, in turn, got a cup full of hot chocolate, which he accepted gratefully.

The Japanese man tried to look uninterested in the whole conversation that had just taken place, but still, he asked: "At the Ark?"

"Yeah, when you split up from us and stayed to fight with Skinn Bolic– Hey, no drink for me?" Lavi jumped from one thing to another as if nothing, sounding disappointed all of a sudden.

"I lack an extra pair of hands, you see." The female Exorcist smiled at him sweetly, though there was something dangerous in her expression as well. "Come and get it on your own." And with that, she caught the Bookman apprentice by the arm and started yanking him away from the sofa.

"But I still haven't–"

"_Lavi._" Her voice sounded threatening all of a sudden, making the red-head swallow hard and obey.

Allen only watched his two friends in slight confusion. But then, realization hit him, and somehow, it made him unbearably nervous.

He was being left with Kanda. Alone.

* * *

"What the hell were you trying to do?" The girl whispered, all angry.

"Hey, I was just trying to make Yuu-chan jealous."

"Well, you're doing it wrong. You were tormenting Allen there, I swear." Lenalee poked Lavi on the forehead. "Stop making things even more complicated for those two."

"Why are you rooting them so much on, anyway?"

"I just want to help, okay?"

"Why?" Lavi asked, surprisingly angry all of a sudden. He knew he might regret what he was about to say, but... "You like Allen, don't you? Why are you letting go of him this easily?"

The red-head pretty much expected for the female Exorcist to sadden at his question, as she averted her gaze from him elsewhere. "...Because I'm not the person Allen likes."

The Bookman apprentice sighed. "Does he even know about your feelings?"

The girl nodded, albeit hesitantly.

"Oh." Lavi blinked. Truth to be told, he wasn't really expecting her to have had the guts to actually tell the white-haired boy about it. "Well, this _is _a crappy situation."

"And precisely because of this fact– the fact that I like Allen... I want him to be happy." Lenalee explained. "...Is that too much to ask for?"

What more could the red-head do but smile to that?

Albeit the smile was forced.

* * *

Sure, he wanted to talk with the Japanese for a longer while now. But something just always had to get in the way – either they got interrupted by others or were forced to stay apart in different places. And now that it actually came down to it, and Kanda was finally within his reach... Where was he supposed to even start?

Was the dark-haired man even interested in talking with him to begin with? Then again, it didn't seem like Kanda had the intention of leaving anywhere just yet. Which was a tad reassuring.

Though the silence kept on stretching further.

Allen took a sip from his chocolate, hoping it would distract or make him chill out somehow.

"Are you interested in that girl, Walker?"

The boy blinked, more than surprised with both the question and... the sole fact that the other male was the one to start this conversation. And ask him such a thing to begin with.

For a moment more, Allen stayed quiet.

"No. I'm not." When the white-haired finally gave an answer, his voice was honest and surprisingly calm. "...Are you interested in the Fourteenth, Kanda?"

He needed to ask this. He needed to know the truth, even if the truth would turn out to be painful. This issue was eating him alive by now and he knew he simply wouldn't be able to go on if he didn't know what he was standing on.

Allen gritted his teeth, awaiting an answer as the silence stretched further. Kanda's lack of response was really disheartening, making him believe he was making himself false hope all along. But– no, this was no time to be feeling down about any of it. He wanted to have a normal and honest conversation with the Japanese, and he was going to get one.

His needed to push his feelings to the side for now.

"Tell me the truth, please." The boy demanded, trying his best to stay calm.

To his surprise, Kanda sighed, then made a weird face. And to his even bigger surprise–

"I hate him more than I hate you." The Japanese threw at him, his voice tinted with irritation. But then, his features softened all of a sudden, as he looked away, almost as if hesitating. "I mean... I don't hate you. Not anymore."

Allen couldn't help but gape at him, startled beyond reason. "Do you really... mean that?"

Was the disbelief in his voice even surprising? Because seriously, Kanda admitting not to hold feelings of hate for Allen?

The Japanese turned to look at him, their gazes meeting. And just then, when he finally got a better view of the other's face, did the boy notice... the gash on the older man's right cheek.

"Kanda, you're hurt..." He said without thinking and reached for the wound subconsciously. How did the cut get there, Allen could only guess. But just before he managed to reach it–

"You don't remember a thing that happened in the bathroom, don't you?"

The boy hesitated, staring at the other for a moment. "No... care to fill me in?"

Kanda sighed at that, closing his eyes. "Untie your hand."

Allen's mind stilled. It didn't take long before it hit him what the other man could have wanted to get at with that.

* * *

It wasn't that Kanda wanted to underestimate him again. The problem was that it was still Walker's body, and said body was already enough damaged as it was. Maybe it was easy for the Japanese to dodge the other's attacks – the Fourteenth said it himself before, he was nothing more than a weak sixteen-year-old, unable to use Allen's Innocence, nor his own Noah abilities like this – but since the dark-haired didn't want to go on offensive himself, he needed to wait for some kind of opening.

Kanda ducked and stepped back, evading the two consecutive swings that came at him with ease.

He had to give Nea credit, though – the brat knew his way in handling a sword pretty well, as surprising as it was.

All of a sudden, the Fourteenth faltered on his toes, covering his mouth with his free hand as he started to cough – and the Japanese far from hesitated to use the opportunity. By the time Nea's back collided with the wall behind him, the taller male was already by his side, tightly squeezing the limb which held Mugen, hindering any further movement.

As the Noah kept on coughing, Kanda yanked the weapon out of his hand.

"Hey, that's unfair..." The Fourteenth complained, letting his head fall and press against the Japanese's chest. Desperately, he tried to even out his breathing.

"Like you're the one to talk." Angry, the Japanese yanked the other boy's right hand up, pinning it to the wall above his head. Playtime was over–

"And you fell into my trap yet again." Nea smirked at him all of a sudden and Kanda had to seriously fight his urge not not bang that bastard's head into the wall.

Oh, how he _hated_ that crooked smile of his. What the fuck did this bastard come up with this time?

The Noah's smile grew only wider when a faint cling of metal hitting against tile reached the Japanese's ears, catching his attention without fail. It was then that the older man understood that the noise was brought up intentionally, much to Kanda's growing irritation.

The brat had the bathroom key in the hand he had just pulled his sword away from.

* * *

Kanda wasn't even sure when it came down to it – the moment he had noticed the stolen item in Nea's hand, a joke of a playful display – things that happened afterward were like in some kind of haze. A reach here, a swing there, a few shoves and kicks, and the moment the bastard managed to snake his way behind him, something inside the Japanese snapped.

The want to hold himself back went straight to hell as he caught the Fourteenth by the end of his sleeved shirt in the last second before he managed to run for the door, the goddamn key went flying somewhere he gave little shit about, shortly followed by the white-haired boy himself, as he collided with the nearest wall.

And for the first time ever, Kanda could actually tell from the look he's received that the Fourteenth was genuinely _pissed_ at him – the carefree and playful attitude were _finally_gone.

The sole sight filled his heart with some kind of morbid satisfaction.

But it didn't stop Nea from fighting back – next thing Kanda knew, he was the one being rammed into the wall himself. It made him wonder where the brat got all of his strength from yet again.

The struggle went on and on, before finally – much to Nea's horror – he didn't notice that the spot he pushed Kanda against this time had a mirror hanging on the wall. With a loud noise of breaking glass, the two fell to the floor – or more like the impact sent the Japanese flying, making him fall on top of the other, pulling him down with him.

The Fourteenth only watched in silent horror as the bigger pane of the mirror – minus the hardly important broken bits – followed them shortly after, breaking into dozens of small pieces when colliding with Kanda's back and the floor.

Somewhere at the back of his mind, the dark-haired man was glad that he thought about closing those goddamn doors. He definitely didn't need any idiots running in here, alert from the sudden commotion.

The Noah's eyes widened even more, noticing the cuts that appeared on Kanda's shoulders and arms and– He needed to get away from him, _fast_.

"_Ack_–!" A splatter of the mirror got in his way when he tried to press his hand against the floor for support, making him look around in panic.

He was surrounded by sharp, broken pieces of glass – and trapped underneath Kanda's weight.

"_Ngh_–!" Another sting greeted his shoulder as he tried to move yet again.

"Stop moving." Kanda demanded all of a sudden, his voice firm and calm. He caught the Fourteenth's already injured hand and tried to hold it in place, squeezing it tightly. He seriously didn't want the idiot to hurt himself more than he already did.

"_Ugh_– Let go–"

"You don't seem to be that good in handling pain compared to me." The Japanese observed.

"Well," Nea hissed, not ceasing in his attempt to yank himself free. "If I had healing abilities like yours, I wouldn't worry about getting hurt – just like you don't."

"Worrying about pain and handling it are two different things, brat."

"…True, after what they made you go through, it's no wonder you're so immune to it."

Kanda stilled for a glimpse of a moment. But the hidden message behind the comment was more than apparent.

It made his blood boil.

"Enjoy reading people's minds, asshole?" The Japanese hissed, pressing the other's limb down to the floor, triggering a pained yelp. "Tell me, what the fuck are you trying to accomplish?"

* * *

Moments later, his right hand was free from the bandages – and Allen's fears got only confirmed.

The stigmatas were gone.

"_Kanda!_" The boy yelled at the other, angry that he didn't even look at him anymore. "What– Why the hell did you do this?" He didn't even think before he caught the Japanese by the collar.

Though the older man wasn't intending him to have any of it. He yanked Walker's hand away with ease, gripping the boy's wrist tightly. "Calm the fuck down."

"I told you not to... Why did you–"

"Do you still remember the promise I made to you?"

This in turn apparently did the trick, making Allen go still. "Huh?"

"You asked me yourself." Kanda started, his voice surprisingly calm all of a sudden. "That if the Fourteenth manages to take over you after all, and he proves to be a threat to the Order... You asked me to kill him."

The white-haired's eyes widened at that. "But that was still before−"

"Before _what_?" The Japanese cut him off, angry. "He _is _a threat to us, Walker. I can tell as much from today's encounter with him."

"But... Then..." Allen was seriously confused by now. Then why did his Master say all those things about trusting Nea? Who was he supposed to believe? "How's the Fourteenth supposed to... help us like this?" He was still the only one who could provide them with information in regards to their enemies... or was he not?

"Help us?" Kanda's voice was full of mockery. "He's brought us nothing but trouble so far, Walker."

The white-haired fell silent at that, trying to get his thoughts together and approach the whole matter logically.

"Okay, look. How much time has it passed since you healed my throat to the Fourteenth's awakening?" Allen asked, though he already knew the answer and just wanted to make a point. "A day! You honestly can't expect us to–"

"First of all, I didn't heal your stigmatas directly before." The older man cut the boy off yet again. "And second – are you convinced that your trip to Kamelot's world didn't have any influence on this?"

The younger Exorcist frowned at that, perplexed. Maybe Kanda did have a point... and Allen couldn't really argue with that, since he indeed had no idea how those two things could have affected the healing process of his wounds.

But that still didn't mean this was a good idea. Far from it, actually.

"...What if you're not there when it happens again?"

Surprisingly, the Japanese didn't wait long to give an answer to that. "We'll just have to stick together."

That Allen didn't expect to hear something like that would have been an understatement. "...And you're suddenly okay with us sticking together."

The Japanese sighed, irritated by now. "Walker, what is it that you really want?"

"Huh?"

"What the hell happened to your determination?" The dark-haired man almost sounded accusing. "Are you content with that jerk stealing everything away from you?"

Allen's gaze fell to the floor at the questions, and seeing as the boy saddened, Kanda continued in a softer voice.

"Don't you see that this is the way? We can get rid of him like this." He assured, before asking: "Why won't you let me help you?"

The question made the boy look the Japanese in the eyes for a brief moment again, albeit his gaze showed signs of uncertainty.

Was Kanda seriously...?

"Because... Surely, this doesn't go with no consequence to you... does it?" There was hesitation in his voice, his vision glued to his lap this time. "So... why? Why are you willing to do this for me?"

Allen really didn't expect the Japanese to go ahead and catch him by the chin, forcing his head up, making the boy look him back straight in the eyes. Moreover...

He didn't expect for the older man to suddenly get so close, either.

"And you?"

The white-haired could feel Kanda's breath brush against his lips, and– God, what the hell was happening? The way his heart started to thunder inside of his chest, the way something swirled inside of his stomach, the way he suddenly felt weak and exposed – it was too much. He had a feeling he was going to die any second now.

He had wanted this so much, and yet, he feared it at the same time.

"Why can't you be selfish for once?"

Before Allen even got the chance to comprehend the meaning behind Kanda's words, his mind froze.

Suddenly, there was a pair of lips on his own.

* * *

**Nayru's Note: Oh, cliffhangers, don't we love them all. xD**

**As you can probably guess, both the bathroom action and the talk aren't finished yet. This could be actually considered as half of a two-part chapter or something, because it would be too long for a whole. You'll have to be patient with the continuation, though. :(**

**Also, I wanted to thank Musical Caffe for willing to translate my story into Spanish! (You can find it on her profile page.) I was really surprised that someone liked my story enough to want to translate it into a different language! Thank you very much! :D**

**And I wanted to thank for all the encouraging reviews I got from you guys! Thanks for reading my retarded story! :D I'm glad you enjoy it so much! :D**


	24. Trust me

**Warnings: Angst like WHOA,**** slight violence, Kanda's usual foul language, possible OOCness (blame the Fourteenth and his fucked up influence on the characters), Allen going emo, some serious, angsty Yullen talk and... omg, fluff that will make you get cavities, wtf. D:**

* * *

**~Gone Forever~****  
****Chapter 24: Trust me**

* * *

The Fourteenth inhaled, trying to ignore the goose bumps that appeared on his skin. The bathroom floor that he was pressed up against was cold, and the thin white shirt he was wearing – which Allen always wore – wasn't really helping much.

The unpleasant sting in his shoulder intensified as Kanda forcefully moved his limb, but he wasn't about to show too many signs of his physical discomfort. The cards have been played, the game was on, and there was no room for mistakes anymore.

Or was there?

"Haven't you figured it out yet?" Nea smirked at the man above him, that cocky aura returning to his features as easily as it had disappeared a mere moment ago. "I think I gave you enough hints."

"I'm fucking _sick_ of you." Kanda hissed, pissed beyond all reason by now. "If this is going nowhere, then _fuck you_– I'm ending this here and now."

The Noah observed as the Japanese reached for one of the mirror's pieces which lay right next to them. He knew very well what the dark-haired was about to do with it, so – as if out of defeat – he dropped his head to the floor effortlessly and sighed, closing his eyes in the process.

"People are so easy to manipulate." The Noah said it more to himself, but the remark was loud enough for the Japanese to hear.

The next moment, Kanda was clenching the brat's throat with his other hand. And the gesture – much to the Japanese's satisfaction – apparently wasn't expected and had caught the Fourteenth very much off-guard.

"And apparently your understanding of _'not to piss me off' _is still lacking."

Eyes wide, Nea tried to catch his breath, digging his fingers in Kanda's arm in a fit of panic.

"...What if– pissing you off... was precisely– my goal?" The Fourteenth managed to ask, his voice strained. And then, with a smirk, he added: "...Kanda dear."

The dark-haired gritted his teeth, trying his best not to snap and end up doing something drastic. "Stop with this shit–"

"...Common enemies– force you to work together."

The taller man raised an eyebrow to that, ready to laugh in the Noah's face. "Che. Now just go ahead and tell me that you've been playing the bad guy all along." The sentence edged with sarcasm. "Don't make me fucking laugh."

"Believe what you want, Kanda– but the fact is, that you realized how much Allen actually means to you... precisely because of me."

* * *

Allen was torn. He didn't know if he wanted to push Kanda away or return the kiss that was being offered to him as if it were the only thing he was waiting for in his entire life.

He was still confused. He had no idea what was going on through the dark-haired's head, he had no idea what he was standing on, and he had no idea where he fit in all of this with the Fourteenth on top. For all he knew–

"_Mm..._" A purr escaped the younger boy when Kanda suddenly pressed on, making his train of thought stop dead in its tracks. The moment the man's tongue brushed against his own, thousands of butterflies burst and swarmed inside of Allen's stomach for a split moment, but it was more than enough to take his breath away.

Though the boy didn't get it. This wasn't anything new – _shouldn't_ have been anything new to him. They've kissed a couple of times before, so... why? Why was he feeling this nervous all of a sudden? Why did he feel so out of it, so caught off-guard, not knowing what to actually do?

The white-haired Exorcist closed his eyes and clenched a fist shakily in the older man's shirt as he started to answer the gesture, though still a bit unsure. And the swarm of feelings only intensified.

Why did it feel so raw and so overwhelming, as if it were his first kiss ever?

Was it tied to the fact that he had some real feelings for the Japanese now, unlike during those few times it had happened earlier? Or was it because of the fact that Kanda was actually the one to kiss him of his own free will this time?

Now that Allen thought about it, he was always the one who had started it. Be it their first time, be it their confusing encounter in the Japanese's room, be it that one time he got drunk... It was always a one-sided thing; it was never something mutual.

It had never... meant anything.

This... This wasn't just another meaningless kiss this time, was it?

"...You taste sweet."

"Huh...?" The white-haired blinked, trying to comprehend what was happening all of a sudden. He got so lost in his thoughts and in the feeling of it all that he didn't even notice when the older man pulled away from him.

"From the fucking chocolate."

As the meaning of the words sank in, Allen just stared at the other, slightly dumbfounded, wondering if he should... laugh or cry.

Honestly, if there was ever a contest in the ability to ruin the mood, Kanda would definitely score first place, no doubt about that.

"...Blame Lenalee." The boy couldn't help but remark in a playful tone, praying that his face wasn't as read as it felt hot.

Well, he had to at least give the man credit for it being a good tension breaker. Because, honestly...

It was a matter of seconds before the weight of the situation fell upon him again, though, making him sadden almost immediately.

"...Why did you do that?" The younger Exorcist asked, his voice soft.

"What?"

Allen's gaze dropped back to the floor. "Why did you... kiss me?"

Kanda stilled for a blink of an eye. "Why did you let me kiss you?"

"...I asked you first."

For a longer while, silence fell upon the room. But then**–**"Because I wanted to."

Allen's mind halted as he wondered what he was supposed to make of the other's answer.

Well, it could have meant a lot of things. And no matter how much the boy wanted to believe otherwise, he couldn't get rid himself of the feeling that he knew what could be the real meaning behind Kanda's words and actions.

Because... That kiss couldn't have had anything to do with Kanda actually... liking him, could it? There was no way the Japanese saw him... that way...

In his eyes, this could have meant only one thing.

"...Do you want me to repay you like this? For your blood?" Allen asked softly, not even daring to look at the other man. This was no big deal – that's what he kept telling himself. Even though it did make him nervous. "...With sex, I mean."

To the white-haired's surprise, Kanda growled at that. "No, you idiot." And he sounded really pissed, to boot. "God, you're so dense sometimes."

"Excuse me?" The younger male frowned, suddenly irritated from the remark as well. "Well, hey, then explain this to me. Because I'm seriously confused now. Ever since you..."

Whatever the boy intended to say further, all of it died in his throat the moment the Japanese leaned closer in his direction again.

Seriously, just what was Kanda–

"...You're in love with me, aren't you?"

Allen swore that time had gone still, because– he suddenly forgot how to breathe. Unable to find his voice, he kept on staring at Kanda with wide eyes, aware of only one thing: his heart threatened to burst out of his chest and leave him to die.

All of a sudden **–** as if to the young Exorcist's rescue **– **an unexpected cough reached both of the boy's ears.

"You two." The white-haired looked around in panic, only to notice... his Master standing right _there_ behind him. "I don't intend to interrupt, but walls have ears, and you kind of _do_ have a room upstairs."

Allen blinked at Cross, hoping that he didn't look as terrified and out of it as he felt being.

It was Kanda that reacted first, however, standing up in a fit of anger. "Fuck this shit**–**"

Before Walker knew it, he was being caught by the hand and yanked to the side forcefully, shortly realizing that the Japanese guided him in the direction of the staircase. "K-Kanda?"

Marian only watched them go.

"General..." It was Komui that appeared beside him all of a sudden.

"Leave them be." The red-head exclaimed before starting to head in the opposite direction. "I'll talk to them in the morning."

* * *

If Kanda were to look back on everything that happened during the past month, from the point on all of this had started to begin with, he'd say Walker was an idiot.

On further thought, he'd conclude both of them were idiots.

It had started with... Allen's stupidity. Or was it his own? He was the one who wanted to become stronger, ignoring all principles and throwing himself into an experiment that was bound to go wrong. He was the one who didn't care about the danger it involved, the one who had wanted to force his Innocence to evolve, even though he very well knew from bloody experience that the godly substance was not to be toyed around with.

But unlike all the other times it had happened, almost – almost – bringing him to his death bed, this time the outcome was different. It made Kanda lose himself, deeming him totally unaware of his actions, even though his body was far from unconscious.

Later on did he learn that in order to get him out of that state, Allen let himself be literally _fucked_by him. The sole information made him furious. Furious up to the point that he damned it all to hell and burst into Walker's room without thinking, intending to strangle the brat for his stupidity.

But when all the negative feelings faded and he could look at it all from a more fresh point of view, he understood that Walker didn't know that Kanda wouldn't be able to die because of something like that. Or better yet – that he wouldn't be able to die at all. It wasn't like he explained how his healing abilities actually worked and what kind of price they went along with to anyone inside the Order – save for Komui, but that was a whole different issue. It wasn't something he was particularly proud of.

He should have been grateful for Allen's sacrifice, he knew that. But somehow, he simply couldn't get along with the thought. And every time he thought about the brat's careless actions, it made his blood boil.

It might have started with Walker's stupidity, but it was followed by his own.

Kanda knew that Allen was an idiot when it came to a lot of things, but he simply couldn't understand how one could volunteer to go through something like that for someone that's been so rude towards him ever since they've met. Comrade or not, it was too much. It made no fucking sense.

But for whatever reason, Kanda felt bad about it, and he wanted to make it up to the boy somehow.

That's when his stupidity came in.

...Or was it curiosity?

He had told Walker not to let things get to his head; he had told him that it meant nothing as he let them engulf in this forbidden passion a second time. How stupid was he not to realize that Allen wasn't as apathetic as he himself was to be able not to give a damn and control it. The kid was too young and too inexperienced for those things to not affect him and get emotionally attached.

He could see it in the brat's behavior, even though the other tried his best not to show any signs of change.

But what pissed the Japanese off even more was the fact that Walker's behavior had affected Kanda to some extent as well.

Thus – before things even got the chance to get any worse – he started ignoring him as means of defense. He hoped that if he kept showing Walker a cold shoulder, the boy would grow distant and – at some point – get over it.

Kanda hoped that they could simply forget that anything happened. As Exorcists in the middle of a war, there was no room for unnecessary attachments that would make their lives only more complicated.

Then they had to leave the Order's walls because of an apparent unexpected enemy attack, but Walker was nowhere to be found. Kanda had no idea what drove him into looking for the brat, but he simply wasn't able to turn a blind eye and ignore it. And once he found Allen inside the bathroom – emotionally torn – his chest tightened in a very unpleasant way. He wasn't supposed to give a damn.

And yet, he did.

What irritated Kanda the most, however, wasn't the sole fact of Walker's sudden disappearance thereafter, no – it was the fit of anger that the disappearance had caused. The Japanese had no idea why, but he felt both pissed and– _disappointed_– that Allen left on his own without so much as a word of explanation.

Komui ordered for the Exorcists to find Allen, and the dark-haired kept telling himself that it was just another mission which he needed to fulfill.

In reality, he used it as a perfect excuse for his want to find Walker more than anything else.

His disappointment and longing pissed the living shit out of him – it was a weakness that was never supposed to exist; was never supposed to invade his system to begin with.

He was forced to deal with his fucked up feelings for over two bloody weeks.

And then, once he finally managed to find the brat, all of his pent up frustration went loose. He turned it into anger, because he had no idea how to deal with it or how to control it otherwise.

He wanted to drag Walker back to the Order simply because he wanted to keep him on a fucking leash, tied to the duties and promises he himself loathed ever since he could remember. He wanted to keep Allen there so that he wouldn't run away without a word anymore.

It was after they have beaten the living shit out of themselves, the pent up frustration finally lessened, and he could get a hold of himself again, that Kanda realized... how much of a coward he actually was. He couldn't believe how untrue in reality he's been to himself all along.

Allen had thought that he's manipulated Kanda into staying with him with a sad excuse of fulfilling a requirement for his mission.

How was Kanda supposed to tell him that he has wanted to ditch the Order ever since he could remember, only that he was too scared – yes, _scared_– to do it on his own? How was he supposed to tell him that he's been looking for someone like Allen ever since...

...ever since he had killed Alma.

Things have gotten complicated after the Fourteenth appeared in the picture, but... It wasn't like Kanda didn't have his flaws. They were both fucked up in more ways then one, and in reality – no matter how much the Japanese wouldn't want to admit it – very similar in a lot of ways.

It only made Kanda want to protect Allen more.

And the biggest irony of it all? The fact that – yes, the Fourteenth was right and he knew it – Kanda managed to realize how much Allen had actually meant to him... precisely because of that fucked up asshole.

* * *

The Japanese finally stopped in his tracks the moment he entered their shared room, making the boy he dragged along with halt as well. Allen only stared at the man's back in silence, before he realized that the other still didn't let go of his hand yet.

"Kanda..."

"Aren't you?"

The dark-haired repeated the end of the question that he got himself to ask downstairs, cutting off whatever it was that Allen wanted to say. And still not letting go of the boy's hand, he turned around, only to look Walker straight in the eyes.

The younger Exorcist struggled with himself to stay calm and not look away, but the piercing gaze of the Japanese was too disconcerting, and soon, the white-haired found his vision glued elsewhere, his heartbeat fastening yet again.

What was he supposed to say? He couldn't just go all _'yes, I'm in love with you, are you happy?'_ because that would be the stupidest thing he could do. Kanda would never...

Then again, if the older male asked him such a thing to begin with... he must have noticed or suspected _something_. He couldn't just... keep on denying it anymore.

"You're using too strong of a word... Kanda." Allen gave the best answer he could think of, his voice soft and uncertain.

"A crush, then." The Japanese concluded almost immediately.

"You seem to be knowledgeable about the difference." The white-haired remarked in a surprisingly angered voice, throwing the older male an irritated look. But then, his gaze swayed to the side again, the uncertainty returning. "Sorry, just..." Allen continued with a tint of sadness. "I know you told me not to get involved. This... doesn't have to change anything. It's something I have to deal with on my own."

Silence fell upon the room after the boy's confession, and the younger Exorcist could swear the air has gotten heavier than ever.

...Maybe he had said too much, after all.

Instinctively, he tried pulling his hand away– only for Kanda's grip to tighten an hinder him from doing so.

"...I'm partly at fault here." The Japanese finally spoke. "So I can't just... tell you to get lost."

The white-haired lifted his gaze, uncertain. "...But you'd like to."

"No." Kanda denied, and now it was his turn to look away. "I... I don't mind." He exclaimed, before squeezing the boy's hand a bit tighter, as if to amplify what he was about to say. "I don't mind us being... like this."

Allen couldn't help but blink in shock, wondering if he went totally insane and was starting to imagine things. But Kanda's hold on his hand was solid and firm and–

Allen's enthusiasm faded as fast as it had appeared.

"Then... explain this to me." The boy frowned. "...Why did you sleep with the Fourteenth?"

He still didn't get an answer to this, and– He had the right to know. He needed to know. And now was probably the most appropriate time to ask.

When Kanda released his hand a took a few steps further into the room, Allen got only assured of the fact that this indeed wouldn't be an easy issue to get past through.

"This might sound weird." The Japanese started, taking a seat on one of the room's beds. "But I wanted to teach him a lesson." He paused, as if getting his thoughts together. "I did... something horrible to him. Twice now. It's just that... I snap sometimes. You already know this, since Kamelot was the one who told you – that asshole is able to read other's minds. That's why it's so easy for him to get under my skin."

Allen listened in silence as he moved from the spot he was standing from as well, soon joining the other male on the bed, deciding to sit a bit further away.

"I snap to the point I forget that it's your body I'm dealing with sometimes." The Japanese continued, his voice becoming more and more uncertain by each passing word. "If you ever figure out what actually happened during those times..." He trailed off, suddenly looking the boy in the eyes. "I don't want you to get scared of me."

The white-haired stared at him, seeming perfectly calm, considering the information he's just received. "Then tell me." Allen exclaimed softly. "Tell me what happened. ...I want to hear it from you."

A sigh left the dark-haired's lips, his frown deepening. "When he was interested in sleeping with me so much... and he was so damn persistent about it, I figured I'd show him what he's asking for. I was... so violent and forceful up to the point till he begged me to stop."

For a moment Allen stayed silent, as if taking in what Kanda had said. "I figured you had a violent encounter, considering I could hardly move in the morning." He concluded, still surprisingly calm. "And I assume I'm alright now because you... healed me in the bathroom again." He continued, a bit less certain.

He had wondered about it ever since he woke up. Kanda had healed his stigmatas again, and thus, his throat didn't hurt anymore, nor did any other part of his body. If a mirror had crashed down on them, then surely he'd have cuts or something – and yet, there was nothing. Even Kanda had a cut on his face–

Which was gone by now, too. _Right._

"...Was the mirror a lie?"

"...No." The Japanese denied. "We both got pretty messed up in there. That asshole held it for granted that I won't hurt you, so he kept on provoking me on purpose... And..." Kanda sighed deeply again. He could leave the details out of it, really. "I almost drowned him." There was a note of regret in his voice. "… I almost drowned you, Walker."

Allen looked the older male in the eyes, their gazes meeting, and– Truth to be told, the boy wasn't sure what he was supposed to say to that. "...But it's the Fourteenth you wanted dead, not me, right?"

"Which doesn't change the fact that I almost killed you–"

"You saved my life, too, you know." The snow-haired boy interrupted the other immediately. "And if you really plan on helping me, like you said... Not that I'm okay with it, still." He added in a quieter voice. "Then you really have no right to feel guilty about it, _BaKanda_."

The insult apparently didn't go ignored, and despite the heavy topic, their serious mood turned a one hundred and eighty degree in a single second. "Che. Stupid Moyashi."

"It's Allen, you dimwit." The boy sticked his tongue out at the other.

"Mo-ya-shi." Kanda deadpanned.

"Prick."

"Old man."

"Flat-chested girl."

"Try saying that to me when we're in bed."

"Wh–"

Before Allen even got himself to ask, he was being pulled and shoved, falling straight on top of the bed's mattress.

Caught off-guard, his body alert, he tried pulling himself back up immediately on his elbows and hands, but Kanda beat him to it. Before the white-haired boy knew it, the older man was hovering above him, making him freak out all the more.

"_Hey–_I didn't give you permission to–"

"Shut up."

"Kan– _mphm–!_"

Any further protests were sealed off. And even though Allen was set on fighting back, the moment Kanda's lips had landed on his own, his mind swayed and his body went weak. The other man's tongue demanded entrance almost immediately, and the boy couldn't help but give in, the feeling once again taking his senses for a heated ride.

While parting his lips, a muffled yelp escaped him as Allen could suddenly feel Kanda's body weight press against him, making him sink into the mattress even more. All he could do was flail – but even that went lost and forgotten very shortly.

The feeling of the Japanese's tongue – firm and demanding – brushing against his own sent consecutive chills down his spine; it was making his stomach swirl. He had no idea what drove Kanda to do this, but if it went on, Allen was positive he would loose himself in the moment and damn all reason to hell.

The older male had suddenly pulled away, however, and the boy found himself totally out of breath, cheeks flushed, and his heart was racing as if he were about to die any minute now.

"...And you say you're not in love with me."

The words made the boy come back to reality, and suddenly, all the feelings that were starting to harbor... turned into sheer anger. Allen was certain that the Japanese could feel how his heart hammered in his chest because he held his hand on top of it, and... Was causing such a reaction his intention all along?

Did Kanda want some proof of his feelings? So that he could rub it in his face? So that he could– Was he trying to toy with him now?

"Get off." Allen hissed through gritted teeth, suddenly all defensive as he tried yanking the other's hand away.

The dark-haired man frowned, apparently not expecting such a reaction. "Calm down." He ordered, starting to struggle with the boy himself. "I didn't say it was anything bad."

"_Get off–!_" The younger Exorcist demanded, getting even more violent, trying to push the other down from himself, when– Kanda started to kiss him yet again.

Already out of breath, the boy began to trash about and try to get away from the contact in a desperate attempt. But his already shaking hands were no match for Kanda's strong grip, and all he ended up with was getting pinned against the bed as the other kept on invading his personal space.

...It made his chest tighten in an unpleasant, foul way, suddenly making it hard to breathe.

He had no idea which it was – his trembling lips or his sudden lack of resistance – but it made Kanda stop and pull away. And this time, uncertainty was present in the Japanese's eyes – though Allen observed it for a split second before his gaze traveled elsewhere.

He not dared looking the man in the eyes anymore.

"Why... What are you trying to pull?"

So what if his voice was cracking? So what if his vision was starting to get blurry?

"I hate you... I hate you for doing this to me– And you're so– so..."

So what if he was shaking all over by now? He couldn't control his pent up emotions anymore–

"Do you have any idea... how much this... _hurts..._"

If Allen were to look at Kanda's face in that moment, he'd witness an expression torn by a mixture of irritation and regret. "...You idiot."

Next thing the snow-haired boy knew, the weight that was pressed against him this whole time lessened, and he was suddenly being pulled up by his sides. Shortly after he found himself sitting, partly in the Japanese's lap, held in a tight embrace.

He wasn't really in the state to argue or fight back, so he just fisted his shaking hands in the older man's back and buried his face in the other's shoulder, trying to get a hold of his trembling body and the sobs that were already escaping him despite his will.

"Calm down." Kanda spoke in a surprisingly soft tone. "It's okay."

"Nothing's– _okay_." The white-haired choked out. "I don't want to become a nuisance to you... And–"

"Will you shut up with that already?" The Japanese asked with a tint of irritation this time.

Save for the occasional sobs, Allen fell silent at the question – or more like at the demand.

And shortly, Kanda let out a deep sigh.

"You're so convinced that I have no feelings for you." He stated, sounding pissed. "I wouldn't kiss you out of nowhere, you goddamn idiot. And I wouldn't decide to sacrifice my lifespan for you if you hadn't meant anything to me."

"Your... lifespan?" The boy asked, a bit out of it. "Wait, this is actually shortening your life?"

Oh, what the hell, hadn't he mentioned it before?

_Don't tell me he didn't catch this before_... And– What the fuck, that wasn't the most important part of what he had just said!

"Start complaining on how '_I can't do it' _and I'm going to punch you." The older man threatened. "Healing a scratch or two from time to time won't affect me that much, Walker."

"But–"

"If you're too much of an idiot to accept it freely, then fine – pay me back for it." Kanda growled, fed up with this shit by now. If there was really no easier way– "If I told you I wanted sex from you in return, then you'd accept it?"

The Japanese could feel how Allen tensed at the question, though such a reaction wasn't really what he wanted to stir up. Suddenly, he regretted to have asked such a thing to begin with, even though– the kid was the one who had come up with it in the first place.

"Listen..." Kanda sighed, set on changing the topic. "Back inside the bathroom, you asked if you could trust me."

"...But I meant it in regards to the Fourteenth." The boy's voice sounded sad and uncertain.

"Then trust me." The older Exorcist went on. "I want you to trust me."

Further lack of reaction from Allen made the dark-haired pull away and press his forehead against the younger boy's, a hand traveling up to his cheek.

"Walker." He called, wanting to get the other's attention.

Their breath mixed together in the stillness of the room.

"...Okay." The younger of the two whispered, finally giving an answer. "...Okay." And with that, a slight smile appeared on his face. "...I'm going to trust you, Kanda."

In return, Allen lifted his own hand and placed it on the dark-haired's cheek before pressing his lips against the other's himself this time.

* * *

**Nayru's Note: ****Dear Lord, my fucked up Yullen couple is FINALLY getting together– *tears of joy* **

**Other than that, I suck. I seriously suck. I've been bringing myself to write THIS ONE lemon since three chapters back– AND I STILL FAILED TO DO IT. **

**FUCK YOU, PLOT DEVELOPEMENT, FUCK YOU.**

**Okay, I know plot is good and it's what makes this story going, but... RAWR! **

**NEXT CHAPTER ****– IT'S GRANTED. YESSS– *is shot***

**I'm brining you this chapter**** in such a form mainly because of the fact that it's my last day of holidays (and I'm already out of time), and I promised myself that I would update it, because even I don't know when will be the next time I'll be able to write. So, consider it as a kind of bonus, because it could have not gotten here to begin with. Nevertheless, I hope you'll enjoy it for what it is.**

**And yes, I decided not to include the conclusion of the bathroom scene yet, because I came up with a more exciting way of doing it at a later time. Besides– yeah, you already should have a slight idea of what happened in there from Kanda's explanation.**

**Thank you for all the encouraging reviews, as always, guys! And see you (hopefully) soon~ :D**


End file.
